The Hawaiian alphabet only has 12 letters...
Well this one just so happens to be true...just ask the people at Campbells soup factory...what a nightmare it was releasing a 26 letter alphabet soup to an island nation...that's right I said island nation...depending on your understanding of the definition of 'legal' statehood...whose inhabitants could only relate to 12 of them...the native Hawai'ian language does only consist of 12 letters...5 of which are the alphabet...leaving a total of 7 consonants to play with..H, K, L, M, N, P, W....however the actual language spoken by the islands native populace these days is referred to as 'pidgin'...and consists of a compilation of languages used at will be the orator to get their point across...at any given time you can be verbally engaged in English...Hawai'ian...Japanese...and Samoan...within the first 6 words of a sentence...and lemme tell ya it would behoove you turn adapt your ear to it quickly if you intend to spend any significant amount of time on the islands...nothing says "tourist" like matching Hawai'ian ensembles and the dazed look of not understanding when being spoken too...and just a word of advice...if you're a pasty blond...or a ghostly red head...don't go...you'll never BLEND in...you'll end up standing out like a Q Tip at a tampon convention... nowhere near capable of handling the ebb and flow of island life or language...I always enjoyed listening to the islanders when they spoke...it's funny how having one person say something...can mean something else not even remotely close when uttered by a second or third individual...deciphering the meaning behind the words...taking into account...tonal inflections...gender...and mood of the individual speaking...depth of volume with which the speaker bellows...location of individual when speaking...and last but not least...to whom the individual is speaking...for instance take the phrase..."Hey Brah I going kick your ass!" If it's 2 natives speaking to each other chances are it's all in fun...there's no action to be seen here...move along...if however it's an islander speaking to an absence of color American...chances are there is going to be one helluva mess...up to and including funeral arrangements...depending on the swiftness with which said white person is capable of generating once grasping the gravity of the situation and attempting to get his feet to catch up with the rest of his body as he desperatley tries to escape his current location without regard to pride or dignity...you must also be as equally attentive and careful when attempting to speak 'pidgin' in order to try and integrate yourself in the Hawai'ian culture...uttering the phrase 'Kamanawanaleia' if spoken under the right circumstances could become very fortuitous...however...mumble it to the wrong wahine...who has brothers...sisters...aunts...uncles... nieces and nephews who are all twice your size... if they're 3 feet tall... and you could find yourself running your very own little witness protection program...and should you ever hear the words..."Hey Haole Mahu you got beef"...RUN FORREST RUN...do NOT look back...don't even give your feeble little mind the opportunity to formulate the necessary linguistic connections required to translate those words into pictures you can understand...if you have the same desire most people do...to wake up the following morning...keep your feet pumping...lose all excess baggage...purses...shoes...sunglasses...wallets...rings... jewlery...backpacks...small pets and children...and RUN like a class 5 river...just as rapidly as you can...don't worry they don't hurt animals or small kids...if they can't keep up they'll be fine...don't get me wrong it's a beautiful place...especially if you're in need of a diet...or exercise program...and you weren't very attentive during English class...all you hafta do is relocate to one of the islands...and piss off just one of the locals...you're ass'll get in shape so damn fast you'll start wondering how Wixson's Hawai'ian Diet and Exercise Program hasn't been marketed worldwide!!! Think I'm joking...you'll notice I took the liberty of making these comments from the safety and security of my domicile in frigid northern Michigan...not the wide open salty air of a beach on Oahu!!! LOL!!!
