Idk if any of you have ever been to North Dakota...I was unfortunate enough to spend 4 years of my life in that flat frozen tundra...and I can assure you...NOBODY in North Dakota has EVER had the idea of laying down...shoes on or off...to take a little afternoon nap...winter there lasts FOREVER... and summer months last about an hour and a half towards the end of July and the beginning of August...then it gets cold again...I wouldn't even recommend traveling through that state...avoid it at all costs...if you find yourself in North Dakota...you are LOST...your ONLY hope is that you have enough gas to make it to Montana or Minnesota...depending on your current route of travel...do yourself a favor...DON'T STOP...if you are traveling west to east you have the benefit of a tail wind to help you make your escape...if you are goin' east to west...the head winds will deplete your current gas supply significantly quicker...in other words...you be f**ked...I'll tell ya...I've been through all 50 states...may not have actually taken up roots in them but I've at least driven through them on the way to the next stop...and as much as my taste for Northern Michigan has soured...I wouldn't trade this little spot on the map for the whole state of North Dakota...you know what they have in North Dakota..SAND...and...SNOW...and plenty of wind to push it around...ya know what they don't have...EVERYTHING ELSE...maybe a few fields of winter wheat...ass load of good that'll do ya... hell they're probably still importing Christmas trees from other states during Christmas...I know you think I'm jokin...but I'm NOT...the ONLY trees growing in this frozen region of the planet are planted by home owners...they align the west and north side of the residence to serve as a wind block...you don't see them growing out in the wild like ya do in other places...I'm surprised anyone in North Dakota even has shoes...musta stole them from somebody that ran out of gas...ya know what they manufacture out there in North Dakota...DIRT...by the bucket loads...I don't wanna say the place is flat...but the ONLY place they have hills left is in areas where they have done excavation...the hills are leftover dirt from the new HOLE in the ground...ya know what my favorite thing to do was while I was stationed there during Desert Storm...go on VACATION...to other states...where there were people...hills...and trees...ruined my taste for the USAF I can tell ya that much...because any Dept. of Defense related entity that thinks burying big ass bombs in the frozen underground chambers...commonly called missile silos...of a forgotten patch of land...hasn't much use for a logical thinker like me...our ideas of fun didn't quite jibe with one another...they found it funny to launch war games in the middle of winter...when it was -100 below with the windchill...the only problem with that was the fact that they wanted to stick Airmen Wixson on the watch with an M-16...in bunny pants...a parka...mukluks...and mittens so ignorantly enormous you hadda better shot at beating somebody to death than ya did of ever getting off a shot...and that in itself posed a very serious issue...at least for me...because LOGICAL people...FRIEND OR FOE...have NO desire to attempt to steal bombs during a f**kin' blizzard...it causes too many logistical complications...such as...it's a f**kin' BLIZZARD...(I know what you're thinkin'...well Kevin...they didn't put you out there to STOP logical thinking people...it's the illogical idiots they were trying to prevent from procuring primary Weapon's of Mass Destruction)...RIGHT...listen...ass slappin' silly sons-a-bitches from Siberia wouldn't walk the winter wonderlands of North Dakota lookin' for a nuke...especially when they can get them from third world countries...where it is significantly WARMER...and closer to home...it's so cold up in those parts...people that don't fall asleep with their shoes on...run the risk of waking up with frozen feet...I know several of you are laughin' your asses off thinkin'...Kevin must be crazy...far from it...I've actually seen guys walk around outside in the winter for 10-15 minutes...hop back inside a warm building and WIPE their moustache right off their lip...I've personally taken part in frozen pissin' contests...if you're brave enough to let little willie out of the cage long enough to piss outside...on the side of a brick or metal building...it will freeze upon contact and sometimes it doesn't reach the ground until the Spring thaw...which occurs the third week of June...I've been to some of the most amazing places this country has to offer...and NONE of them were located in North Dakota...hell up until I joined the service it was probably the only state I had NOT been in...since I became honorably discharged I have NEVER been back NOR had the desire...the whole rest of the country could be overrun by little Mandarin speakin'...close-eyed munchkins...leaving ND all alone for the rest of us...and ya know what...I would learn to like Szechuan...now I'm NOT sure about the shoe sleeping policy of the people in North Dakota...what I can tell you is that during the winter months it is illegal to pass a stranded motorist...or at least it was...and why on Earth would you do that...because it is TOO F**KIN' COLD to leave people in a vehicle that doesn't work...but it was OKAY to leave them walkin' around aircraft that were undergoing SIMULATED uploading of nuclear weapons...I know...NEVER made sense to me either...that's why I got the hell outta there while I could...seems reasonable and logical to me...that if you are going to SIMULATE the nuclear weapons being present...you can SIMULATE my ass walking around the aircraft...leave me in bed with my boots on in case the SIMULATED bad guys come...I'll be the first one to pop a cap in someone's ass with a thumb and forefinger gun!!!
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
BRITISH POUNDS A PLENTY!!!
In Britain, banks are required to accept any check that's correctly made out, no matter what it is written on -- even the side of a cow...
...and they wonder why Scotland Yard has such difficulty detecting forgeries...must be a bitch when anyone with a branding iron and a bank account can pay a bill...I do have one question though...what happens to the written article...is there a special cancelling process for accepting payment...that say comes on a side of pork...does the bank have a special slot in their check cancelling machine that they can slip a few cattle through...highly doubtful...who dreams up this dumb shit...do you have any idea how hard it would be to verify the authenticity of a signature slapped on the side of a cow...you can't correctly make out a check on a side of beef with your garden variety ball point pen now can ya??? No...it takes special equipment like branding irons and hot coals...and how much more expensive is that shit than the check that's being written...a pretty pound or two I'd warrant...this DUMBASS actually had it goin' on there for a moment...then he had to go and add the final six words to the tidbit and destroy any possibility of saving face...one glaring fact in modern society causes me to have doubts about the veracity of this author's content...BRITAIN is still a country...if this little tidbit were true...at any point in the history of mankind...either everybody before me was a complete idiot ...or BRITAIN would be somebody's BITCH...because you don't write checks...on the sides of cows or otherwise...that your ass can't cash...had this been even remotely true for a day...BRITISH people wouldn't have a schilling in their socks...let alone a pound in their pocket...they'd be a buncha farthing-less freeloaders lookin for more handouts...and where do ya think they would turn...that's right...to the people that fled that little rock...oh so long ago...in search of anything that wasn't BRITAIN...US...in the U.S....that's where they would turn...to the rabble that has kicked their ass and kept them company since the good old glory days of RWI...(that's Revolutionary War I)...for all you confused offspring from the pebble in the pond just off the coast of Europe...kinda sucks that we hafta babysit these little BRITISH bastards for all of eternity...talk about Empirical mismanagement techniques...holy crap in a kraut helmet BATMAN...ya know whatcha get if you combine U.K. Armed Forces and the French Foreign Legion don'tcha??? Rear echelon baggage handlers for the greatest fighting force on the planet...hey...we saved them...we gotta make use of them somehow...because if we allow them to go it alone...they're as dead as a slow movin' squirrel across 8 lanes of traffic at rush hour...I mean...IDK mean to point fingers and call QUITTERS...QUITTERS... but sometimes when the shoe fits...ya shove it up somebody else's ASS...don't get me wrong...I don't have anything against BRITISH or FRENCH people...they make great cannon fodder...the ONLY reason they occupy so much of the ancient history books is because we weren't around back then...I mean seriously...what chance do they have when the FINAL WORLD WAR breaks out between US & CHINA...I gotta feelin' when the dust settles...we're gonna let those little countries learn Mandarin...long before we jump on the Rosetta Stone bandwagon...I'm just sayin'...these people couldn't fight back a wet fart with a properly inserted butt plug...to say their banking techniques are a little outta whack...focuses attention to the lesser problematic areas of a crumbling Atlantic Kingdom...Monarchy...Malarkey...call it whatcha want...I'm always surprised when the BRITISH are given credit for anything other than TEA...or the FRENCH for anything other than CREPES...the two major contributions they've given to humankind...DRY HUMOR...and ATTITUDE...respectively... being the only other things they excel at...I wish it were true about their little banking fiasco...I'd forge checks so fast...Usain Bolt would hand me his Gold!!! On a side note...Lemme be the first to say CONGRATULATIONS TO SMOKES & THE TIGERS for winning the first back to back DIVISION TITLES since BEFORE WWII...GOOD LUCK IN THE GAMES THAT WILL MATTER MOST!!! For those that went to bed late...the YANKEES pulled it out in the bottom of the 12th last night to remain 1 game ahead of the ORIOLES...I didn't even know they still had a team...I thought they quit when Cal Ripken hung up the cleats...but with one game left in the season...and the PLAYOFF PICTURE not yet set...I for one am hoping the ORIOLES get a mysterious case of BALTIMORE BIRD FLU and fall off the block tonight!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)