A San Diego man sued the city for emotional trauma during a concert when he saw women using the men's rest room
There are 3 things that stand out immediately about this little tidbit...A) Women in San Diego must pee standing up, you can't sit in a urinal...B) At least one guy in San Diego is appalled enough by the site of this he took action...and C) At least one of these women had a damn tree growin where there shouldn't be nothin but wetlands...if either A or C are wrong, then this guy is a peter puffin, knob gobbler who volunteers to be the pivot man at the weekly rainbow warriors circle jerk session...c'mon, what kinda Ken doll lovin queer is this little light in the loafers lollygagger...I can't think of anybody I hang out with who wouldn't, immediately upon seeing several women utilizing the mens room, snap pics, text them to attending friends with directions...(mens room upper bowl section 12F) and then litter their facebook wall with evidence that they're the best photographer Hustler's Hometown Hotties had ever seen!!!
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
An To Ti Another Today's Tidbit
Scientists have determined that Los Angeles, CA is moving east at a rate estimated to be about one-fifth an inch per year.
1/5 of an inch per year - SERIOUSLY!!
Well that explains it all...more of our taxpayers money put to good use...the illegal immigrant infestation problem in Southern Cali has gotten so bad that the land itself is making a run (in millenial terms) for Arizona...unfortunately as slow and lazy as our siesta taking global siblings of the south are, they should be in Flagstaff and/or Phoenix by the time L.A. gets there in the year 12,356...these dumb assed data gatherin expeditions need to start being independantly funded...do you wanna know when the next Tsunami is gonna hit...build your house on a mountain and you won't hafta concern yourself with giant walls of water inundating your living room...how long before the next earthquake swallows my house...if ya live in L.A. I wouldn't worry about it, you're all on the move to safer soil, just bare with it a couple hundred generations...what a bunch of brainiacs these scientists...12 years of college and all the sudden L.A. is the only thing movin...what effin part of the continental shifting of plates did your ass sleep thru...hey I never went to college but thru the magic of eyesight and cognitive thinking I have determined that water levels in Lake Michigan are rapidly declining...'But Kevin...(you might ask)...how can this be so, there hasn't been any scientific finding posted explaining this huge loss of water...how can you be so sure' well my friends it's simple...we have beaches where there used to be boat launches...DUH!!!
1/5 of an inch per year - SERIOUSLY!!
Well that explains it all...more of our taxpayers money put to good use...the illegal immigrant infestation problem in Southern Cali has gotten so bad that the land itself is making a run (in millenial terms) for Arizona...unfortunately as slow and lazy as our siesta taking global siblings of the south are, they should be in Flagstaff and/or Phoenix by the time L.A. gets there in the year 12,356...these dumb assed data gatherin expeditions need to start being independantly funded...do you wanna know when the next Tsunami is gonna hit...build your house on a mountain and you won't hafta concern yourself with giant walls of water inundating your living room...how long before the next earthquake swallows my house...if ya live in L.A. I wouldn't worry about it, you're all on the move to safer soil, just bare with it a couple hundred generations...what a bunch of brainiacs these scientists...12 years of college and all the sudden L.A. is the only thing movin...what effin part of the continental shifting of plates did your ass sleep thru...hey I never went to college but thru the magic of eyesight and cognitive thinking I have determined that water levels in Lake Michigan are rapidly declining...'But Kevin...(you might ask)...how can this be so, there hasn't been any scientific finding posted explaining this huge loss of water...how can you be so sure' well my friends it's simple...we have beaches where there used to be boat launches...DUH!!!
An To Ti Another Today's Tidbit
Alexander the Great was an epileptic.
Is that what made him great?
As a matter of fact it is what made him Great...can you imagine rising to power thru the magic of fits and seizures...I mean even as a child on the playground little Alex must have struck fear in the hearts of his friends, enemies, and the lunchroom bully when he would just flip wig and start floppin around like a fish out of water...later in life as he grew into power and started conquering the world, the epileptic fits and seizures served him well, especially on the field of war, mid battle you drop to the ground as if wounded, arms and legs flailing, foaming at the mouth, just as your fellow soldiers and enemies stop to watch you perish, you hop back up and take them by surprise...it was at this time Alex began to attempt nicknames...Alex the epileptic...Alex the Elusive...Almighty Alex...Spastic Al...Xander the Zippy...The Magnificent Macedonian...as you can see most of the nicknames didn't stick and for good reason...none of those strike fear into the hearts of enemies...hell most of them sound like cheap parlor trick magician names...but Alexander the Great now thats just downright intimidating...follow that up with a little episode that looks like a combination of a 2 year old throwin a tantrum and a woman table hoppin from a mouse...Scary!!!
Is that what made him great?
As a matter of fact it is what made him Great...can you imagine rising to power thru the magic of fits and seizures...I mean even as a child on the playground little Alex must have struck fear in the hearts of his friends, enemies, and the lunchroom bully when he would just flip wig and start floppin around like a fish out of water...later in life as he grew into power and started conquering the world, the epileptic fits and seizures served him well, especially on the field of war, mid battle you drop to the ground as if wounded, arms and legs flailing, foaming at the mouth, just as your fellow soldiers and enemies stop to watch you perish, you hop back up and take them by surprise...it was at this time Alex began to attempt nicknames...Alex the epileptic...Alex the Elusive...Almighty Alex...Spastic Al...Xander the Zippy...The Magnificent Macedonian...as you can see most of the nicknames didn't stick and for good reason...none of those strike fear into the hearts of enemies...hell most of them sound like cheap parlor trick magician names...but Alexander the Great now thats just downright intimidating...follow that up with a little episode that looks like a combination of a 2 year old throwin a tantrum and a woman table hoppin from a mouse...Scary!!!
An To Ti Another Today's Tidbit
On average, half of all false teeth have some form of radioactivity.
That's why the Cheshire cat's teeth glowed in the dark!!
Well that only makes sense...gotta have some glow in the dark material in it somewhere...can't have a bunch of old gummies on crutches runnin round the nursin homes at night lookin for their teeth...or for that matter grabbin the wrong set...mmmm...TAS TEE!!! Probably causes that stuff....whassit called...ummmm...where ya can't remember stuff...I forget...oh yeah...Alzheimers...which is great news for me, Imma buy a set whether I need em or not, that way I can flip shit on the nurses I don't like, and flirt with the ones better lookin...maybe I'll even get them gold plated with diamond accents...BLING BLING...I'd come up with a hip hop nickname...let's see...Ol Dirty Bastard has already been taken....maybe....Ol Crippled Crabass...my wheelchair will be set on 22's with low profile Pirelli's...we'll bump to the Black Eyed Pees (thats right Pees, they'll change their name to fit their age and habits) everyone do the Quasimoto Kick...(its a two step tango....step, drag, step, drag), flash your best glow in the dark grin, grab a wrinkled bag of skin (partner) and do the Walker Waltz!!!
That's why the Cheshire cat's teeth glowed in the dark!!
Well that only makes sense...gotta have some glow in the dark material in it somewhere...can't have a bunch of old gummies on crutches runnin round the nursin homes at night lookin for their teeth...or for that matter grabbin the wrong set...mmmm...TAS TEE!!! Probably causes that stuff....whassit called...ummmm...where ya can't remember stuff...I forget...oh yeah...Alzheimers...which is great news for me, Imma buy a set whether I need em or not, that way I can flip shit on the nurses I don't like, and flirt with the ones better lookin...maybe I'll even get them gold plated with diamond accents...BLING BLING...I'd come up with a hip hop nickname...let's see...Ol Dirty Bastard has already been taken....maybe....Ol Crippled Crabass...my wheelchair will be set on 22's with low profile Pirelli's...we'll bump to the Black Eyed Pees (thats right Pees, they'll change their name to fit their age and habits) everyone do the Quasimoto Kick...(its a two step tango....step, drag, step, drag), flash your best glow in the dark grin, grab a wrinkled bag of skin (partner) and do the Walker Waltz!!!
An To Ti Another Today's Tidbit
You lose enough dead skin cells in your lifetime to fill 8 five-pound flour bags.
EEEEE-WWWWW!
Whats with the numbers game here...if I shed 8-5lb sacks of cells...is that the same as 1-40lb sack, or 16-2.5lb sacks??? Honestly tho where do they come up with this number...there are far too many factors involved with the computation of this formula for it to be accurate...are you tellin me that 500lb Fried Chicken eatin Freida is gonna shed no more dead cells than Eddie the Ethiopian who's belly gets full on a grain of rice...I don't think so...I doubt old Larry the Leper is just gonna stop sheddin flesh @ 40lbs...or how about 80yr old Charlie who walks around lookin like a commercial for Cornflakes gone Crazy...some of the flesh this guys flakin off his forehead hafta weigh 5lbs each...and I'm just guessin here but they say the act of sex causes a person to burn up to 300 calories...which would lead one to believe that the friction from fornication would result in a 5lb deposit...in flesh alone...somewhere...and you thought the wet spot was sick...lol
EEEEE-WWWWW!
Whats with the numbers game here...if I shed 8-5lb sacks of cells...is that the same as 1-40lb sack, or 16-2.5lb sacks??? Honestly tho where do they come up with this number...there are far too many factors involved with the computation of this formula for it to be accurate...are you tellin me that 500lb Fried Chicken eatin Freida is gonna shed no more dead cells than Eddie the Ethiopian who's belly gets full on a grain of rice...I don't think so...I doubt old Larry the Leper is just gonna stop sheddin flesh @ 40lbs...or how about 80yr old Charlie who walks around lookin like a commercial for Cornflakes gone Crazy...some of the flesh this guys flakin off his forehead hafta weigh 5lbs each...and I'm just guessin here but they say the act of sex causes a person to burn up to 300 calories...which would lead one to believe that the friction from fornication would result in a 5lb deposit...in flesh alone...somewhere...and you thought the wet spot was sick...lol
Strange Law Archive SLA
From the archive of strange laws:
In Atlanta, Georgia, it is illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.
LOL!!
You know...that law doesn't surprise me...what is shocking tho is that at some point in time, the elected officials of Georgia (pronounced by its peachy people as Jah - Jah), felt it necessary to pass a law requiring telephone poles and lamp posts to be free of of the old African Longnecked Humpless Camel...or Giraffe as its more commonly known today...which means that at some point in the history of the deep south...Atlanta to be exact...or the A T L for all you hip hop hoodrats...one of these redneck, hickabilly, moonshine makin, inbred swine came up with the brilliant idea of hitchin his pet Rubbernecked Rhino (Giraffe) to a lamp post or telephone pole, and if that weren't bad enough, he apparently made such a habit of it that they had to pass a law in order to prevent it from happening again...ona positive note...at least now we know where the ancestry of the American Carnie began...hotdogs...peanuts...cotton candy...whirly twirly rides only a droolie would find amusing...and drunk hickabillies paid to tend aminals all began with some gin soaked Cracker in Jah-Jah
In Atlanta, Georgia, it is illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.
LOL!!
You know...that law doesn't surprise me...what is shocking tho is that at some point in time, the elected officials of Georgia (pronounced by its peachy people as Jah - Jah), felt it necessary to pass a law requiring telephone poles and lamp posts to be free of of the old African Longnecked Humpless Camel...or Giraffe as its more commonly known today...which means that at some point in the history of the deep south...Atlanta to be exact...or the A T L for all you hip hop hoodrats...one of these redneck, hickabilly, moonshine makin, inbred swine came up with the brilliant idea of hitchin his pet Rubbernecked Rhino (Giraffe) to a lamp post or telephone pole, and if that weren't bad enough, he apparently made such a habit of it that they had to pass a law in order to prevent it from happening again...ona positive note...at least now we know where the ancestry of the American Carnie began...hotdogs...peanuts...cotton candy...whirly twirly rides only a droolie would find amusing...and drunk hickabillies paid to tend aminals all began with some gin soaked Cracker in Jah-Jah
An To Ti Another Today's Tidbit
The little lump of flesh just forward of your ear canal, right next to your temple, is called a tragus.
Just thought you might need that little bit of information!
This was an ingenious evolutionary occurrence, whether by design or pure happenstance, depending on your present belief system...so many things can be done with the Tragus...as little kids you can put a finger on each Tragus and rapidly push and release...makes a neat little wah wah sound...awful entertaining...for a 3 year old...(get your fingers off your tragus' readers...its a story...not pictionary)...as you get older and start dating the tragus becomes a nice place to spill your secrets to your significant other...it will only be after you leave each other that you will wish he/she had been makin the wah wah sound instead of listening to every word you said...at some point during the know-it-all teenage years, and the early adulthood years, the tragus becomes a symbol of toughness amongst the body for a pin cushion crowd, and becomes a pedestal for piercing...in your late 20's to early 30's reality sets in, the piercing stud is removed, and career paths are chosen...somewhere along the line the Tragus becomes a hitching post for earphones or bluetooth devices...then in your early 40's it miraculously springs to life in a vibrant hue of black and gray hairs...here on this tiny atoll of otherwise useless flesh sprouts a forest so dense very little survives in it...even sound...theres no echo...you hafta pull out the tweezers and get to clearin the forest in hopes of once again hearing...eventually you give up trying, and resort to hiding a miniature megaphone amongst the branches, hopin to pick up even the remotest of noises...hearing nothin more than a rambling stream of gobble dee gook, which in turn causes you to utter the ever so famous WHA WAS THAT...or COME AGAIN...SAY THAT AGAIN YOUNG WHIPPER SNAPPER...wherd would we be without the Tragus...up to our eyeballs in useless inventions...like bluetooth headsets and tweezers thats where!!!
Just thought you might need that little bit of information!
This was an ingenious evolutionary occurrence, whether by design or pure happenstance, depending on your present belief system...so many things can be done with the Tragus...as little kids you can put a finger on each Tragus and rapidly push and release...makes a neat little wah wah sound...awful entertaining...for a 3 year old...(get your fingers off your tragus' readers...its a story...not pictionary)...as you get older and start dating the tragus becomes a nice place to spill your secrets to your significant other...it will only be after you leave each other that you will wish he/she had been makin the wah wah sound instead of listening to every word you said...at some point during the know-it-all teenage years, and the early adulthood years, the tragus becomes a symbol of toughness amongst the body for a pin cushion crowd, and becomes a pedestal for piercing...in your late 20's to early 30's reality sets in, the piercing stud is removed, and career paths are chosen...somewhere along the line the Tragus becomes a hitching post for earphones or bluetooth devices...then in your early 40's it miraculously springs to life in a vibrant hue of black and gray hairs...here on this tiny atoll of otherwise useless flesh sprouts a forest so dense very little survives in it...even sound...theres no echo...you hafta pull out the tweezers and get to clearin the forest in hopes of once again hearing...eventually you give up trying, and resort to hiding a miniature megaphone amongst the branches, hopin to pick up even the remotest of noises...hearing nothin more than a rambling stream of gobble dee gook, which in turn causes you to utter the ever so famous WHA WAS THAT...or COME AGAIN...SAY THAT AGAIN YOUNG WHIPPER SNAPPER...wherd would we be without the Tragus...up to our eyeballs in useless inventions...like bluetooth headsets and tweezers thats where!!!
An To Ti Another Today's Tidbit
The song with the longest title is "I'm a Cranky Old Yank in a Clanky Old Tank on the Streets of Yokohama with my Honolulu Mama Doin' Those Beat-o, Beat-o Flat-On-My-Seat-o Hirohito Blues" - written by Hoagy Carmichael.
Thats just crazee...those effin rednecks will do anything to get noticed...I am glad Momma posted this, because for the longest time I thought the song with the longest title was 'My baby done left me, she runned off with my best good friend Skip, he was the most awesome blue tick hound I ever saw, think I'll drink my sorrows away, its quittin time in Kentucky maybe I'll get lucky and meet a gal who likes Skoal more 'n I do, Bubba says I'm beautiful when my truck breaks down and I fire up the tractor and daydream of farm animals as I drive to work...SUE SUE SUEY!!!' written by Ol Side Saddle Slew...and put ta music for your listenin enjoyment by Shep, Shamus, and the Soggy Bottom Bunch, the first Irish Country band, so thanks for clearin that up Momma...now on a side note...Why I am so depressed...Over 5000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, 'Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land' Nearly 75 years ago (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said 'Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, light up a camel, this is the Promised Land' Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land. I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc...I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...folks we're fucked!
Thats just crazee...those effin rednecks will do anything to get noticed...I am glad Momma posted this, because for the longest time I thought the song with the longest title was 'My baby done left me, she runned off with my best good friend Skip, he was the most awesome blue tick hound I ever saw, think I'll drink my sorrows away, its quittin time in Kentucky maybe I'll get lucky and meet a gal who likes Skoal more 'n I do, Bubba says I'm beautiful when my truck breaks down and I fire up the tractor and daydream of farm animals as I drive to work...SUE SUE SUEY!!!' written by Ol Side Saddle Slew...and put ta music for your listenin enjoyment by Shep, Shamus, and the Soggy Bottom Bunch, the first Irish Country band, so thanks for clearin that up Momma...now on a side note...Why I am so depressed...Over 5000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, 'Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land' Nearly 75 years ago (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said 'Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, light up a camel, this is the Promised Land' Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land. I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc...I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...folks we're fucked!
An To Ti Another Today's Tidbit
in the 1700's, in London, England you could purchase insurance against going to hell.
Oh Boy!!
Oh Boy is right...lemme see if I understand this correctly...are you suggesting that in England during the 1700's it wasn't enough to simply attend church, confess your weekly sins, make a donation based on income (called a tithing) and say a few Hail Mary's or Our Fathers thereby saving your soul from the fires of eternal damnation, but that you were also presented with the opportunity to purchase insurance too!!! What was it called Comprehensive Confessional and Condemnation...was there a sliding Dante's Deductible scale...kinda like a cuss jar...probably had neat little advertising jingles too...Break a Commandment for a Schilling...Fornicate with thy Neighbors wife for a Farthing...Poke a Prostitute for a Pound...the real genius is in the man who capitalized on this idea...can you imagine selling an idea to an enormous amount of people...having their collective conscience buy into the notion that for a mere pittance of the weekly paycheck they could insure their souls from the deepest depths of Hades...thats just an abomination...duping people into believing in something that doesn't exist, and then exacting a financial stipend from those believers, by playing on the simplest of fears...Hey...wait a damn minute...didja say England during the 1700's??? I'm almost certain something very similar is happening this coming Sunday in some of the wealthiest Non Profit Agencies around the world...now being a quick study and also eager to jump on the 'Pay the Piper' bandwagon I will be selling Apocalyptic Annunaki Insurance from now until halfway thru Hannukah next year...if by chance you are abducted, anally probed, or otherwise impregnated by 10' tall Aliens from the Planet X, on or about Dec 21st 2012, we'll reimburse any wages lost in the failed Hellfire and Brimstone Insurance scam of the late 1700's
Oh Boy!!
Oh Boy is right...lemme see if I understand this correctly...are you suggesting that in England during the 1700's it wasn't enough to simply attend church, confess your weekly sins, make a donation based on income (called a tithing) and say a few Hail Mary's or Our Fathers thereby saving your soul from the fires of eternal damnation, but that you were also presented with the opportunity to purchase insurance too!!! What was it called Comprehensive Confessional and Condemnation...was there a sliding Dante's Deductible scale...kinda like a cuss jar...probably had neat little advertising jingles too...Break a Commandment for a Schilling...Fornicate with thy Neighbors wife for a Farthing...Poke a Prostitute for a Pound...the real genius is in the man who capitalized on this idea...can you imagine selling an idea to an enormous amount of people...having their collective conscience buy into the notion that for a mere pittance of the weekly paycheck they could insure their souls from the deepest depths of Hades...thats just an abomination...duping people into believing in something that doesn't exist, and then exacting a financial stipend from those believers, by playing on the simplest of fears...Hey...wait a damn minute...didja say England during the 1700's??? I'm almost certain something very similar is happening this coming Sunday in some of the wealthiest Non Profit Agencies around the world...now being a quick study and also eager to jump on the 'Pay the Piper' bandwagon I will be selling Apocalyptic Annunaki Insurance from now until halfway thru Hannukah next year...if by chance you are abducted, anally probed, or otherwise impregnated by 10' tall Aliens from the Planet X, on or about Dec 21st 2012, we'll reimburse any wages lost in the failed Hellfire and Brimstone Insurance scam of the late 1700's
An To Ti Another Today's Tidbit
Flamingo tongues were a common delicacy at Roman feasts.
Yum Yum Yum
Yeah because as we all know Flamingo's infest Italy and its Carribbeanesque tropical temperatures...so much so theres a Roman Shrimp Shortage...causing such an outrage that a special hunting season has been suggested...several Roman warriors and Praetorians are ecstatic...looking forward to Gladiator Games @ the Coli, featuring such rare delicacies as Flamingo Feet Fettuccine...Royal Pink Flamingo Ravioli...and of course lets not forget the Flamingo Tongue Tortellini...seriously...the Flamingo is a Tropical bird, and even if by some chance it strayed off course and landed in Italy...can you possibly imagine how many Flamingo Tongues it would take to feed a family of four...let alone it being a delicacy for a Royal Feast...I apologize for sounding skeptical...but this sounds about as feasible as Penguin Beak Aphrodisiacs are to the Greeks...unless there were a few lost Roman ships, and a couple lost chapters in history regarding Rome conquering Florida or Cuba, I find it highly unlikely Romans even know,Flamingoes have tongues!!!
Yum Yum Yum
Yeah because as we all know Flamingo's infest Italy and its Carribbeanesque tropical temperatures...so much so theres a Roman Shrimp Shortage...causing such an outrage that a special hunting season has been suggested...several Roman warriors and Praetorians are ecstatic...looking forward to Gladiator Games @ the Coli, featuring such rare delicacies as Flamingo Feet Fettuccine...Royal Pink Flamingo Ravioli...and of course lets not forget the Flamingo Tongue Tortellini...seriously...the Flamingo is a Tropical bird, and even if by some chance it strayed off course and landed in Italy...can you possibly imagine how many Flamingo Tongues it would take to feed a family of four...let alone it being a delicacy for a Royal Feast...I apologize for sounding skeptical...but this sounds about as feasible as Penguin Beak Aphrodisiacs are to the Greeks...unless there were a few lost Roman ships, and a couple lost chapters in history regarding Rome conquering Florida or Cuba, I find it highly unlikely Romans even know,Flamingoes have tongues!!!
An To Ti Another Today's Tidbit
From the strange law archive:
In Turkey, during the 16th & 17th centuries, anyone caught drinking coffee was put to death.
Good Lord - what did they think was in that coffee???
Have you ever had Turkish coffee??? That junk looks like Shrek Shit and Swamp Mud...one cup of that crap probably keep ya bug eyed and bushy tailed for weeks...its no wonder they'd put ya to death...can't have wide awake ultra alert men runnin around, they'd end up seeing all those ugly ass unibrow wearin, hairy necked heifers runnin around and they'd go runnin and screamin for the hills and the sheep...banning coffee was a surefire way of helping populate the country...I mean seriously...take one look at the missing link, Cro-Magnon crossbreeds and you can see why they needed help...this is one country you never wanna see the towels come off the facial area...live free and look like bandits I say...just keep it covered for the love of Allah...buncha damn foul smelling Camel jockeys anyway...whadda they all live in mangers!!!
In Turkey, during the 16th & 17th centuries, anyone caught drinking coffee was put to death.
Good Lord - what did they think was in that coffee???
Have you ever had Turkish coffee??? That junk looks like Shrek Shit and Swamp Mud...one cup of that crap probably keep ya bug eyed and bushy tailed for weeks...its no wonder they'd put ya to death...can't have wide awake ultra alert men runnin around, they'd end up seeing all those ugly ass unibrow wearin, hairy necked heifers runnin around and they'd go runnin and screamin for the hills and the sheep...banning coffee was a surefire way of helping populate the country...I mean seriously...take one look at the missing link, Cro-Magnon crossbreeds and you can see why they needed help...this is one country you never wanna see the towels come off the facial area...live free and look like bandits I say...just keep it covered for the love of Allah...buncha damn foul smelling Camel jockeys anyway...whadda they all live in mangers!!!
Strange Law Archive
In some states it is now required by law:
On the handle of a hammer: "Caution. Do not use this hammer to strike any solid object."
On a butane lighter: "Warning. Flame may cause fire."
Seriously???? DUH!!
You can thank the helmet heads they pooled as a jury during the McDonalds hot coffee lawsuit...awarding one person millions of dollars for purposely buying a cup of hot brewed liquid and then accidently pouring said contents on themselves in a rather sensitive area...what a fustercluck country we live in where common sense can be trumped by the absence of an unnecessary warning label...I mean seriously...now everytime we buy somethin we hafta pay extra because the company selling it feels the anal probing need to overspend on packaging in order to ensure all warning labels are legible and spelled out in great detail...I feel bad for these guys...there should only be one warning label needed...KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN AND ALL INBRED NOSE PICKIN DROOL BUCKET WEARIN HALFWITS!!!
On the handle of a hammer: "Caution. Do not use this hammer to strike any solid object."
On a butane lighter: "Warning. Flame may cause fire."
Seriously???? DUH!!
You can thank the helmet heads they pooled as a jury during the McDonalds hot coffee lawsuit...awarding one person millions of dollars for purposely buying a cup of hot brewed liquid and then accidently pouring said contents on themselves in a rather sensitive area...what a fustercluck country we live in where common sense can be trumped by the absence of an unnecessary warning label...I mean seriously...now everytime we buy somethin we hafta pay extra because the company selling it feels the anal probing need to overspend on packaging in order to ensure all warning labels are legible and spelled out in great detail...I feel bad for these guys...there should only be one warning label needed...KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN AND ALL INBRED NOSE PICKIN DROOL BUCKET WEARIN HALFWITS!!!
An To Ti Another Today's Tidbit
Influenza got its name from the fact that people believed the disease was because of the evil "influence" of the stars!
The evil influence of the stars eh??? Hell if the stars were evil...how, pray tell, did they view the moon??? Not only is this thing responsible for creating high and low tides...it also conjurs images of savage, hairy, growling, howling, man-eating, moon loving beasts, that only come around once a month as the moon cycles...and then theres werewolves, who, altho scary in their own right, can't hold a candle to the Midol Munching, Cramp Catching, Bigfoot of Bloating and Irritability...a true Medusa of mind your own damn business mentality...the modern woman...and don't....whatever you do...allow more than one mature one to occupy a single dwelling...be forewarned, if you overpopulate an area smaller than 2500 sq ft, with more than one of these lip snarling...scowling...female praying mantis' of menstruation, they possess the inate ability to communicate telepathically and attune their bodies so that they may howl, scream, burst ear drums, decapitate the heads of all non moon worshipping tripeds (men), or otherwise make existence for said beings more miserable and depressing than that of a diehard Lions fan!!! Watching these female species in full cyclical change in accordance with orbit of our planets moon is it any wonder where the word 'lunacy' came from ???
The evil influence of the stars eh??? Hell if the stars were evil...how, pray tell, did they view the moon??? Not only is this thing responsible for creating high and low tides...it also conjurs images of savage, hairy, growling, howling, man-eating, moon loving beasts, that only come around once a month as the moon cycles...and then theres werewolves, who, altho scary in their own right, can't hold a candle to the Midol Munching, Cramp Catching, Bigfoot of Bloating and Irritability...a true Medusa of mind your own damn business mentality...the modern woman...and don't....whatever you do...allow more than one mature one to occupy a single dwelling...be forewarned, if you overpopulate an area smaller than 2500 sq ft, with more than one of these lip snarling...scowling...female praying mantis' of menstruation, they possess the inate ability to communicate telepathically and attune their bodies so that they may howl, scream, burst ear drums, decapitate the heads of all non moon worshipping tripeds (men), or otherwise make existence for said beings more miserable and depressing than that of a diehard Lions fan!!! Watching these female species in full cyclical change in accordance with orbit of our planets moon is it any wonder where the word 'lunacy' came from ???
An To Ti Another Today's Tidbit
In the Durango desert, in Mexico, there is a creepy spot called the "Zone of Silence." You cannot pick up TV or radio signals and the locals say fireballs appear in the sky.
Really??? Lemme get this straight...you want me to believe that a desert...in Mexico...doesn't get radio or tv signals...for real yo...thats whack...you mean to tell me that in the middle of an enormous sand covered area there isn't any radio or tv available...I am just flabbergasted...Idk what to say about this Zone of Silence....its the desert people...and guess what I'm pretty sure that right here in the good old US of A we have a dead spot or two down around Death Valley, or out in Arizona...now maybe if sound was completely absent...no echo...no reverberation, that would be amazing...be alotta unhappily married men movin to Mexico I can tell ya that....oh...oh...oh...this just in...breaking news...cell phone companies...as well as tv and radio stations have just announced they have been negligent in the erection of broadcast towers in the following areas...all deserts, where there is more sand than plant, animal, or alien life forms...all ice encased land masses, like the poles for instance, and all areas made up mostly of slippery wet stuff like oceans...apparently some idiot savant in charge has determined that cell, radio, and tv signals aren't required in areas where there are no people who possess cell phones, radios, or tvs...BRILLIANT!!! As for the fireballs in the sky...hello??? Desert...cactus...blue agave...tequila...if you had no tv...no radio...no cell phone and were in the desert what would you do??? Thats right...get blind drunk on tequila til ya danced with the worm beneath 'fireballs' in the sky...sounds like an old Marty Robbins tune...Fireballs in the sky...it never ceases to amaze me the things educated people can't seem to figure out...Maxwell Smart had a Cone of Silence...didn't work out so well for him either...lmao!!!
Really??? Lemme get this straight...you want me to believe that a desert...in Mexico...doesn't get radio or tv signals...for real yo...thats whack...you mean to tell me that in the middle of an enormous sand covered area there isn't any radio or tv available...I am just flabbergasted...Idk what to say about this Zone of Silence....its the desert people...and guess what I'm pretty sure that right here in the good old US of A we have a dead spot or two down around Death Valley, or out in Arizona...now maybe if sound was completely absent...no echo...no reverberation, that would be amazing...be alotta unhappily married men movin to Mexico I can tell ya that....oh...oh...oh...this just in...breaking news...cell phone companies...as well as tv and radio stations have just announced they have been negligent in the erection of broadcast towers in the following areas...all deserts, where there is more sand than plant, animal, or alien life forms...all ice encased land masses, like the poles for instance, and all areas made up mostly of slippery wet stuff like oceans...apparently some idiot savant in charge has determined that cell, radio, and tv signals aren't required in areas where there are no people who possess cell phones, radios, or tvs...BRILLIANT!!! As for the fireballs in the sky...hello??? Desert...cactus...blue agave...tequila...if you had no tv...no radio...no cell phone and were in the desert what would you do??? Thats right...get blind drunk on tequila til ya danced with the worm beneath 'fireballs' in the sky...sounds like an old Marty Robbins tune...Fireballs in the sky...it never ceases to amaze me the things educated people can't seem to figure out...Maxwell Smart had a Cone of Silence...didn't work out so well for him either...lmao!!!
Strange Law Archive SLA
From the archive of strange laws:
During WWII, bakers in the U.S. were ordered to stop selling sliced bread. Only whole loaves were sold to the public. It was never explained how this action helped the war effort.
As we all know WWII was a troubling and difficult time for this country...the government ignored numerous warning signs about Evil Empires in the East and Diabolical Dick-taters in Europe...most new inventions were compared to sliced bread..."that's the greatest thing since sliced bread"...most bakeries were owned by people of the Jewish persuasion...the original Body of Christ Biscuit bakers...as America entered the war in both theaters most of it's citizens feared the worst...a war on 2 fronts couldn't possibly end in our favor...we were almost assured of having to deal with a losing effort in one campaign or the other...the US Gov't feared that bakery owners...the Jesus Slayers in other words...would all unite for a common cause...to join the Service and fight the Nazi's...in doing such they would take with them all the bread slicing machines of the day...knives...thereby leaving a country just out of depression without the single greatest inventor of all time...the Bread Slicer...you may have seen him in Inglorious Basterds...he carried bats for the Bear Jew...had the US Gov't not banned the sale of sliced bread, the Bread Slicer would've had to stay here, and Aldo the Apache, Hugo Stiglitz, and the Bear Jew would've just been another band of Cross Carryin Christ Killers...we woulda lost the war in Europe...Hollywood would be showing shit movies like Nation's Pride and deli's around the country would have bigger ovens and tastier bread...and that my friends is why the sale of sliced bread was banned!!!
During WWII, bakers in the U.S. were ordered to stop selling sliced bread. Only whole loaves were sold to the public. It was never explained how this action helped the war effort.
As we all know WWII was a troubling and difficult time for this country...the government ignored numerous warning signs about Evil Empires in the East and Diabolical Dick-taters in Europe...most new inventions were compared to sliced bread..."that's the greatest thing since sliced bread"...most bakeries were owned by people of the Jewish persuasion...the original Body of Christ Biscuit bakers...as America entered the war in both theaters most of it's citizens feared the worst...a war on 2 fronts couldn't possibly end in our favor...we were almost assured of having to deal with a losing effort in one campaign or the other...the US Gov't feared that bakery owners...the Jesus Slayers in other words...would all unite for a common cause...to join the Service and fight the Nazi's...in doing such they would take with them all the bread slicing machines of the day...knives...thereby leaving a country just out of depression without the single greatest inventor of all time...the Bread Slicer...you may have seen him in Inglorious Basterds...he carried bats for the Bear Jew...had the US Gov't not banned the sale of sliced bread, the Bread Slicer would've had to stay here, and Aldo the Apache, Hugo Stiglitz, and the Bear Jew would've just been another band of Cross Carryin Christ Killers...we woulda lost the war in Europe...Hollywood would be showing shit movies like Nation's Pride and deli's around the country would have bigger ovens and tastier bread...and that my friends is why the sale of sliced bread was banned!!!
An To Ti Another Today's Tidbit
"When hooked up to an EEG machine, a bowl of lime Jello exhibits the identical brain waves of a healthy adult."
I think we all know some people with jello brains!!
That's just what I wanted to know...somewhere in history somebody who was apparently in the medical field, used their extensive college education to hook an EEG machine up to a bowl of lime green jello and came to the conclusion that the readout was identical to that of a healthy adult...probably a better than average chance this individual still walks among us... still in debt up to their eyeballs with a plethora of unpaid student loans, that continue to burden society, and bankrupt our economy, all in the name of better 'tasting' medicine... This Med School graduate had a Tommy Chong or 2 as frat brothers...you know this is one of my biggest fears...I'll get one of my kids thru college...years of student loans to pay back...a degree in a chosen career field...only to find out my little genius wasted several years conducting experiments to end up with his ignomious results posted in one of grandma's daily tidbits...Research has shown that if you snort a limp noodle doused in hot sauce thru a straw it has the same narcotic effect of cocaine...it'll cross your eyes...numb the back of your throat, and have ya pukin in no time...or Didja know that sniffing airplane glue while in flight has the exact same effect as a dog stickin its head out the window...your ears are likely to flap around uncontrolably, and the passengers sitting behind you are gonna needa towel to wipe all that drool off...Didja know if you get a blond a hunting license...give them a gun...send them into the woods to look for tracks, they'll eventually find and follow the tracks right up to the minute the train runs them over...lol...My favorite experiment is the one where you throw a piece of glass, some old shoe leather, an asshole, and a southern accent into a blender...you end up with a draft dodging, window lickin, helmet headed moron with political ambitions named Dumbya...I'm just thankful the ignorant bastard didn't have any male athletes amongst his little swimmers at the Olympics of Conception...we don't ever need to hear the name BUSH associated with anything outside of baked bean commercials!!!
I think we all know some people with jello brains!!
That's just what I wanted to know...somewhere in history somebody who was apparently in the medical field, used their extensive college education to hook an EEG machine up to a bowl of lime green jello and came to the conclusion that the readout was identical to that of a healthy adult...probably a better than average chance this individual still walks among us... still in debt up to their eyeballs with a plethora of unpaid student loans, that continue to burden society, and bankrupt our economy, all in the name of better 'tasting' medicine... This Med School graduate had a Tommy Chong or 2 as frat brothers...you know this is one of my biggest fears...I'll get one of my kids thru college...years of student loans to pay back...a degree in a chosen career field...only to find out my little genius wasted several years conducting experiments to end up with his ignomious results posted in one of grandma's daily tidbits...Research has shown that if you snort a limp noodle doused in hot sauce thru a straw it has the same narcotic effect of cocaine...it'll cross your eyes...numb the back of your throat, and have ya pukin in no time...or Didja know that sniffing airplane glue while in flight has the exact same effect as a dog stickin its head out the window...your ears are likely to flap around uncontrolably, and the passengers sitting behind you are gonna needa towel to wipe all that drool off...Didja know if you get a blond a hunting license...give them a gun...send them into the woods to look for tracks, they'll eventually find and follow the tracks right up to the minute the train runs them over...lol...My favorite experiment is the one where you throw a piece of glass, some old shoe leather, an asshole, and a southern accent into a blender...you end up with a draft dodging, window lickin, helmet headed moron with political ambitions named Dumbya...I'm just thankful the ignorant bastard didn't have any male athletes amongst his little swimmers at the Olympics of Conception...we don't ever need to hear the name BUSH associated with anything outside of baked bean commercials!!!
An To Ti Another Today's Tidbit
A 20 year old protester was arrested after he assaulted a congresswoman from Iowa with a salmon.
The mental picture makes me laugh out loud!
Idk but I think I'd be pretty embarassed if I got my ass handed to me by some young, fresh, fish flinging constituent, on the other hand the 3 'F' rule does apply to all members of congress...'F'uck em and 'F'eed em 'F'ish, I'm a little surprised by the choice of Salmon as the instrument of assault, especially in the corn farming mecca of Iowa...one would think an ear of corn would be a handier, less slimy and slippery weapon of choice, besides the mental image of a member of congress beat up and bent over shootin popcorn outta their keister is far funnier than a fish in the face anyday, and just let me say that 20 yr old protestor should be worshipped as a hero in his community, hell if I had the money I'd start up the Idol of Iowa Cereal Company and paste this kids face on a box of Congressional Cornflakes...complete with Calcium and Confusion...or Dumbass Donut Holes for that future Delegate you may be harboring...they'll taste like unleavened cornbread and shitty ideas....or how about some Greedy Government Grits...guaranteed to make one loose as a goose while Congress is in session...White House Wheaties, comes with a Secret Service Decoder Ring in every box, you can use it to decipherate the oralificationic clues left behind by Dumbya as he attemptifies his hand @ the locationism of Where's Waldo!!!
The mental picture makes me laugh out loud!
Idk but I think I'd be pretty embarassed if I got my ass handed to me by some young, fresh, fish flinging constituent, on the other hand the 3 'F' rule does apply to all members of congress...'F'uck em and 'F'eed em 'F'ish, I'm a little surprised by the choice of Salmon as the instrument of assault, especially in the corn farming mecca of Iowa...one would think an ear of corn would be a handier, less slimy and slippery weapon of choice, besides the mental image of a member of congress beat up and bent over shootin popcorn outta their keister is far funnier than a fish in the face anyday, and just let me say that 20 yr old protestor should be worshipped as a hero in his community, hell if I had the money I'd start up the Idol of Iowa Cereal Company and paste this kids face on a box of Congressional Cornflakes...complete with Calcium and Confusion...or Dumbass Donut Holes for that future Delegate you may be harboring...they'll taste like unleavened cornbread and shitty ideas....or how about some Greedy Government Grits...guaranteed to make one loose as a goose while Congress is in session...White House Wheaties, comes with a Secret Service Decoder Ring in every box, you can use it to decipherate the oralificationic clues left behind by Dumbya as he attemptifies his hand @ the locationism of Where's Waldo!!!
An To Ti Another Today's Tidbit
The King and Queen of the Gypsies are buried in Rose Hill Cemetery in Meridian, MS.
Really??? King and Queen of the Gypsies eh??? Buried you say...and there was no heir to this most coveted throne??? Were they the only 2 Gypsies without the ability to procreate??? Was there only one family of Royalty among the Gypsies??? Whaddaya think woulda happened if the Royal Gypsy family had married outside the clan??? Most early Gypsies were coppersmiths, I'm curious...if the Prince of the Gypsies had eloped and married a Jewish Princess would they have started their own sub clan...the Jewsies...maybe they founded New Joysey...you know how copper wire was invented...a Gypsy and a Jew playin tug of war with a penny!!! On a side note I am a huge Cowboys fan...just ask my Momma...let me go on record and say my beloved Cowboys will NEVER win a Super Bowl with Romo the Homo @ quarterback...this guys sucks like a broke whore on nickle night...and you can bury him backside up right next to the Gypsies for all I care...this effin idiot makes me wanna watch the Lions, and I'd normally rather watch elephants fart ina muddy pool...lol
Really??? King and Queen of the Gypsies eh??? Buried you say...and there was no heir to this most coveted throne??? Were they the only 2 Gypsies without the ability to procreate??? Was there only one family of Royalty among the Gypsies??? Whaddaya think woulda happened if the Royal Gypsy family had married outside the clan??? Most early Gypsies were coppersmiths, I'm curious...if the Prince of the Gypsies had eloped and married a Jewish Princess would they have started their own sub clan...the Jewsies...maybe they founded New Joysey...you know how copper wire was invented...a Gypsy and a Jew playin tug of war with a penny!!! On a side note I am a huge Cowboys fan...just ask my Momma...let me go on record and say my beloved Cowboys will NEVER win a Super Bowl with Romo the Homo @ quarterback...this guys sucks like a broke whore on nickle night...and you can bury him backside up right next to the Gypsies for all I care...this effin idiot makes me wanna watch the Lions, and I'd normally rather watch elephants fart ina muddy pool...lol
An To Ti Another Today's Tidbit
Dating back to the 1600's, thermometers were filled with Brandy instead of Mercury.
And the reason would be?
Well now that makes perfect sense...dating back to the Cro Magnon/Neandrathal days weather forecasters have been guessing at the weather from inside the cave...honestly I don't get it, that has got to be the biggest waste of time and money to go to school to learn how to predict the weather...voodoo witchcraft classes would be more beneficial. I personally have never attended a single second of a weather predicting class...yet with the simple effort of lifting my gaze to stare out the window I can comfortably enlighten you as to current conditions in my general vicinity...It's partly cloudy (which could be loosely interpreted, or at the very least, taken to also mean and include, partly sunny)...according to the trees itsa bit breezy...now if I want further detail I need not turn on a radio, a TV, or even consult a weather app on my smart phone...no folks all I need do is put forth a bit more effort, rise from my seat, and walk a mere 20 feet, open a door, and Viola'...my own centrally located thermometer kicks in...on a day such as this in Northern Michigan, my thermometer, which is neither filled with Mercury or Brandy, immediately tells me today is brisk, the temperature is indicative of fall, and a sweater may be appropriate if an extended stay in the outdorrs is imminent...'but Kevin how is this possible?' you might ask...its really very simple actually...being a member of the commando crew, as soon as I elect to step out into the open air, the twig and berries temp taker is instantaneous and always spot on...this morning the reading came back...slightly shriveled with a leaner, hence the explanation of fall in the air, had it came back hibernating and tucked away, a winter coat may have been in order with long johns...had it come back with a reading that sounded like I had a mouthful of marbles and hadn't reached puberty yet, one could determine that full blown winter was upon us, and that neither me nor my thermometer were very happy. I believe thermometers of the 1600's were filled with Brandy instead of Mercury because Brandy tasted better, and since most weather predicting inventions didn't work, they may as well serve some function...I know me and my thermometer enjoy a shot of Crown Royal on a cold night...about the only site I've found that was worth a damn at telling the weather can be found by following this link... http://www.thefuckingweather.com/ Accurate...Direct...and to the point...and now for Kevin's 24/7 forecast no matter where in the world you happen to be... it's gonna be mostly cloudy with possible partly sunny conditions...chance of rain, sleet or snow...50/50...Tornadoes, Hurricanes, Cyclones, Typhoons, Earthquakes, Volcanic Ash Spewing Eruptions, Tsunami's and other really bad shit could happen anywhere at anytime, don't panic that's what happens on this rock, if you start running around all willy nilly spouting end of the world shit everytime the skies turn black I'm gonna kick you off this planet...it's night...happens once every 24 hours, grab a pacifier and blankie and stfu the rest of us hafta work tomorrow!!! Weathermen...thats a profession in deseperate need of an on call proctologist...a bunch of dumbasses sittin around in a windowless brick building staring at radar screens to determine whats going on outside that damn building...they're kinda like the colostomy bag of the nightly news...full of useless shit that nobody wants to look at!
And the reason would be?
Well now that makes perfect sense...dating back to the Cro Magnon/Neandrathal days weather forecasters have been guessing at the weather from inside the cave...honestly I don't get it, that has got to be the biggest waste of time and money to go to school to learn how to predict the weather...voodoo witchcraft classes would be more beneficial. I personally have never attended a single second of a weather predicting class...yet with the simple effort of lifting my gaze to stare out the window I can comfortably enlighten you as to current conditions in my general vicinity...It's partly cloudy (which could be loosely interpreted, or at the very least, taken to also mean and include, partly sunny)...according to the trees itsa bit breezy...now if I want further detail I need not turn on a radio, a TV, or even consult a weather app on my smart phone...no folks all I need do is put forth a bit more effort, rise from my seat, and walk a mere 20 feet, open a door, and Viola'...my own centrally located thermometer kicks in...on a day such as this in Northern Michigan, my thermometer, which is neither filled with Mercury or Brandy, immediately tells me today is brisk, the temperature is indicative of fall, and a sweater may be appropriate if an extended stay in the outdorrs is imminent...'but Kevin how is this possible?' you might ask...its really very simple actually...being a member of the commando crew, as soon as I elect to step out into the open air, the twig and berries temp taker is instantaneous and always spot on...this morning the reading came back...slightly shriveled with a leaner, hence the explanation of fall in the air, had it came back hibernating and tucked away, a winter coat may have been in order with long johns...had it come back with a reading that sounded like I had a mouthful of marbles and hadn't reached puberty yet, one could determine that full blown winter was upon us, and that neither me nor my thermometer were very happy. I believe thermometers of the 1600's were filled with Brandy instead of Mercury because Brandy tasted better, and since most weather predicting inventions didn't work, they may as well serve some function...I know me and my thermometer enjoy a shot of Crown Royal on a cold night...about the only site I've found that was worth a damn at telling the weather can be found by following this link... http://www.thefuckingweather.com/ Accurate...Direct...and to the point...and now for Kevin's 24/7 forecast no matter where in the world you happen to be... it's gonna be mostly cloudy with possible partly sunny conditions...chance of rain, sleet or snow...50/50...Tornadoes, Hurricanes, Cyclones, Typhoons, Earthquakes, Volcanic Ash Spewing Eruptions, Tsunami's and other really bad shit could happen anywhere at anytime, don't panic that's what happens on this rock, if you start running around all willy nilly spouting end of the world shit everytime the skies turn black I'm gonna kick you off this planet...it's night...happens once every 24 hours, grab a pacifier and blankie and stfu the rest of us hafta work tomorrow!!! Weathermen...thats a profession in deseperate need of an on call proctologist...a bunch of dumbasses sittin around in a windowless brick building staring at radar screens to determine whats going on outside that damn building...they're kinda like the colostomy bag of the nightly news...full of useless shit that nobody wants to look at!
An To Ti Another Today's Tidbit
Time slows down near a black hole; inside time stops completely.
I'm not sure why we need to know this, but I'm sure Kevin will enlighten us!!
How many of you have been inside a black hole??? And NO I'm not
referring to the Brillo Pad Betty your boys pitched in on to rid you
of your virginity on your 28th birthday! I am always amazed and the
absolutely outrageous and unfounded theories put forth by the
scientific community...time slows down as it approaches a black
hole...once inside time stops completely...lets consider for a moment
that 'time' isn't an actual physical entity...it is in fact an
idea...you can't reach out and touch it...smell it...taste it...hear
it...nor can you see it...scientists, who one would assume know more
about physics than some cell phone salesman in the hinterlands of
Northern Michigan, put forth a theory having you believe that 'time'
is capable of motion and therefore stoppable...personally I think the
black hole lies somewhere between the ears of the genius who
hypothesized this theory in the first place...scientists also claim
anything approaching a black hole gets caught in the hyper vacuum it
creates, from which even light is inescapable...well duh dumbass it's
called a 'black hole'...not a foggy hole, or a hazy hole...time
doesn't stop for anyone or anything...especially some George Lucas
script..."Time and the Black Hole"...I don't know what happens in or
around a black hole for certain...probably because the nearest one is
so many light years away it would take 4 generations to get to, and
that alone should enlighten you to the simple fact you can't believe
everything you hear comin out of the over educated, misinformed
scientific community...good lord...a black hole causing time to slow
down and come to a stop...hey genius...if time functions as a
constant...meaning it flows at the same rate continually...until it
approaches the black hole and then begins to slow down until it
finally enters the black hole and then it stops...what happens to all
that fast moving time that is still on its way...does it bottleneck at
the gaping entrance to the black hole...because one would be safe in
assuming that if time stops still, all time that follows would
eventually stop due to a logjam at the exit ramp of outer
space...whadda they think theres an unfound 'White Hole" at the
opposite end that sucks up all this stopped time and spits it back out
at twice it's normal speed?? Look my ass has a black hole, and quite
honestly nothing...not even time slows down or stops when it's within
a few feet of my miniature space replica...as a matter of fact it's
usually quite the opposite...until they send a space craft occupied or
otherwise directly into the heart of a black hole, I'm gonna go out on
a limb and suggest that a black hole is still an unknown
phenomenon...you know like when the Lions win a game...or the Tigers
wake up every few years and flirt with the notion of kickin everyone's
ass and claiming the Crown...LMAO!!! Have a Great Weekend
I'm not sure why we need to know this, but I'm sure Kevin will enlighten us!!
How many of you have been inside a black hole??? And NO I'm not
referring to the Brillo Pad Betty your boys pitched in on to rid you
of your virginity on your 28th birthday! I am always amazed and the
absolutely outrageous and unfounded theories put forth by the
scientific community...time slows down as it approaches a black
hole...once inside time stops completely...lets consider for a moment
that 'time' isn't an actual physical entity...it is in fact an
idea...you can't reach out and touch it...smell it...taste it...hear
it...nor can you see it...scientists, who one would assume know more
about physics than some cell phone salesman in the hinterlands of
Northern Michigan, put forth a theory having you believe that 'time'
is capable of motion and therefore stoppable...personally I think the
black hole lies somewhere between the ears of the genius who
hypothesized this theory in the first place...scientists also claim
anything approaching a black hole gets caught in the hyper vacuum it
creates, from which even light is inescapable...well duh dumbass it's
called a 'black hole'...not a foggy hole, or a hazy hole...time
doesn't stop for anyone or anything...especially some George Lucas
script..."Time and the Black Hole"...I don't know what happens in or
around a black hole for certain...probably because the nearest one is
so many light years away it would take 4 generations to get to, and
that alone should enlighten you to the simple fact you can't believe
everything you hear comin out of the over educated, misinformed
scientific community...good lord...a black hole causing time to slow
down and come to a stop...hey genius...if time functions as a
constant...meaning it flows at the same rate continually...until it
approaches the black hole and then begins to slow down until it
finally enters the black hole and then it stops...what happens to all
that fast moving time that is still on its way...does it bottleneck at
the gaping entrance to the black hole...because one would be safe in
assuming that if time stops still, all time that follows would
eventually stop due to a logjam at the exit ramp of outer
space...whadda they think theres an unfound 'White Hole" at the
opposite end that sucks up all this stopped time and spits it back out
at twice it's normal speed?? Look my ass has a black hole, and quite
honestly nothing...not even time slows down or stops when it's within
a few feet of my miniature space replica...as a matter of fact it's
usually quite the opposite...until they send a space craft occupied or
otherwise directly into the heart of a black hole, I'm gonna go out on
a limb and suggest that a black hole is still an unknown
phenomenon...you know like when the Lions win a game...or the Tigers
wake up every few years and flirt with the notion of kickin everyone's
ass and claiming the Crown...LMAO!!! Have a Great Weekend
An To Ti Another Today's Tidbit
In 1911, a dog was killed by a meteor in Nakhla, Egypt. The unlucky canine is the only creature known to have been killed by a meteor.
So the BIG BANG theory??? Out the window with that one ay??? Dinosaurs were actually aliens who left of their own accord...is that what I'm hearin??? I knew it...all the dinosaur bones found at museums like the Smithsonian are a hoax...carved, chiseled, and otherwise created by archaeologists, out of stone...claimed to be petrified fossils...all a big sham...next you'll tell me we didn't land on the moon...the flag photo was staged...probably by the same school of scientists...whats next...I mean holy asteroid belt batman...am I gonna find out that after years and years of study...countless millions of dollars in research...a thousand different published opinions and theories...that the Mayan calendar actually and accurately depicts the exact date the Detroit Lions clinch their next division title...instead of the end of the world??? I mean altho that event isn't in the bible or ancient hindu text...dead sea scrolls...or the koran, I could see how that might be misconstrued as an End of Days event...or maybe...just maybe you're gonna tell me that we have proof of extra terrestial intelligent life and that we have one in residence on our planet...that it is a big eared, helmet wearin, window lickin, paint chip eatin, short bus captain...goes by the mexican name of Jorge...and his greatest skill are all the new words he madeified up for the english linguisticalismination society...at least then I could rest easy in the fact that all those redneck abduction/anal probing stories were made up, and were in fact the direct result of some drunken hickabilly's midnight redevous with that other hairy assed creature everyone mistakes for Sasquatch...his sister with a strap-on!!!
So the BIG BANG theory??? Out the window with that one ay??? Dinosaurs were actually aliens who left of their own accord...is that what I'm hearin??? I knew it...all the dinosaur bones found at museums like the Smithsonian are a hoax...carved, chiseled, and otherwise created by archaeologists, out of stone...claimed to be petrified fossils...all a big sham...next you'll tell me we didn't land on the moon...the flag photo was staged...probably by the same school of scientists...whats next...I mean holy asteroid belt batman...am I gonna find out that after years and years of study...countless millions of dollars in research...a thousand different published opinions and theories...that the Mayan calendar actually and accurately depicts the exact date the Detroit Lions clinch their next division title...instead of the end of the world??? I mean altho that event isn't in the bible or ancient hindu text...dead sea scrolls...or the koran, I could see how that might be misconstrued as an End of Days event...or maybe...just maybe you're gonna tell me that we have proof of extra terrestial intelligent life and that we have one in residence on our planet...that it is a big eared, helmet wearin, window lickin, paint chip eatin, short bus captain...goes by the mexican name of Jorge...and his greatest skill are all the new words he madeified up for the english linguisticalismination society...at least then I could rest easy in the fact that all those redneck abduction/anal probing stories were made up, and were in fact the direct result of some drunken hickabilly's midnight redevous with that other hairy assed creature everyone mistakes for Sasquatch...his sister with a strap-on!!!
An To Ti Another Today's Tidbit
Beer is made by fermentation caused by bacteria feeding on yeast cells and then defecating. In other words, it's a nice tall glass of bacteria doo-doo!
I'm changing to wine!!
Change to wine all you want...its just French bacteria thats more full of shit than American beer bacteria...it must be a necessary ingredient our ancient alien forefathers included in our DNA..."every so often these humanoid offspring need to ingest enough bacteria dung to have an out of body experience, that's the only way we will be able to show up unannounced, abduct Bubba, teach him the rules of the donkey while we 'pin' his tail on, and get away with it" Most research suggests that alcohol...or as we like to call it...cell mutating bacteria caca...sounds more sophisticated...anyway, in moderation it appears to have healthful effects on the human body...and as is always the case some of the human lab rats are always eager to impress, so they are subject to the overimbibification ...(trust me it's in Dubya's Dictionary for Dummies Revised Post Presidential Edition Vol. 5)...process just to see how much an alien abductee can withstand having phalangetically inserted in his backwoods ass rectal compartment, once his cranial intelligence capacitator is removed...ever notice you never see Koreans drunk or professing alien abduction, yet they seem to live long healthy lives...they eat Kim-Chee...and if you think yeast cell consumption by bacteria in beer is bad...you need to get a whiff of this stuff...its gotta be the equivalent of bad Mexican food and horse laxatives for the bacteria...this stuff smells like an all night prison bitch buffet...a million nervous sweaty swamp asses suffocating in the stench of methane, burning rubber and vaseline...and yet considered not only consumable but also a delicacy...so eat up, drink up, and be healthy!!!
I'm changing to wine!!
Change to wine all you want...its just French bacteria thats more full of shit than American beer bacteria...it must be a necessary ingredient our ancient alien forefathers included in our DNA..."every so often these humanoid offspring need to ingest enough bacteria dung to have an out of body experience, that's the only way we will be able to show up unannounced, abduct Bubba, teach him the rules of the donkey while we 'pin' his tail on, and get away with it" Most research suggests that alcohol...or as we like to call it...cell mutating bacteria caca...sounds more sophisticated...anyway, in moderation it appears to have healthful effects on the human body...and as is always the case some of the human lab rats are always eager to impress, so they are subject to the overimbibification ...(trust me it's in Dubya's Dictionary for Dummies Revised Post Presidential Edition Vol. 5)...process just to see how much an alien abductee can withstand having phalangetically inserted in his backwoods ass rectal compartment, once his cranial intelligence capacitator is removed...ever notice you never see Koreans drunk or professing alien abduction, yet they seem to live long healthy lives...they eat Kim-Chee...and if you think yeast cell consumption by bacteria in beer is bad...you need to get a whiff of this stuff...its gotta be the equivalent of bad Mexican food and horse laxatives for the bacteria...this stuff smells like an all night prison bitch buffet...a million nervous sweaty swamp asses suffocating in the stench of methane, burning rubber and vaseline...and yet considered not only consumable but also a delicacy...so eat up, drink up, and be healthy!!!
Strange Law Archive SLA
From the strange law archive:
Mailing an entire building has been illegal in the U.S. since 1916 when a man mailed a 40,000 ton brick house across Utah to avoid high freight rates.
Come on!!
Welcome to America...land of the strangest laws known to man...you can't mail an entire building across the country, but what you can do is mail white powder anywhere in the country and scare the living hell out of a few thousand people...start an anthrax scare...shut down whole sections of government...if you work for UPS you'll undoubtedly remember the United Pot Smugglers incident...they were without a doubt one of the biggest marijuana traffickers in their heydey. I love this country...it's apparently been illegal for anyone coming here...anyone living here...or anyone wanting to seek refuge here to do so with a lick of common sense...mailing a 40,000 ton brick house across Utah in 1916...a mere 8 years after an assembly line was invented for the production of automobiles...so lemme ask you...do you think it's likely...or even possible...that in a mere 8 years our country built its first automobile plant in Michigan...producing such an enormous amount of vehicles that the Mormon tyranny of Utah took it upon themselves to started paving roads and building interstates wide enough to carry a 40,000 ton brick house on a flatbed??? Chances are if you had mentioned a flatbed back in 1916...in Utah...you probably woulda gotten some funny looks form Brigham Young and his 40 wives...nope the fact that there were even 40,000 tons of bricks in the whole state of Utah in 1916 is suspect...it's not like the Salt Flats were the shipping Mecca of the untamed West! No sir this country is a hotbed of the dumbest...least thought out...anal retentive laws a person could think of. It has always struck me odd that our forefathers came here to escape the living conditions they were 'subject' to back in the old countries. Is it just me or is the government really just a cesspool of intellectual aomeba's...mindless, spineless jellylike creatures!! You think this Utah thing is crazy...have you ever stopped to consider that the 2 most addictive substances known to man...alcohol and tobacco...are available over the counter to anyone of age...and yet anything else that cause a craving is subject to the scrutiny of the blandest most tasteless group of people on earth, government employees...but Kevin there are for more addictive substances out there, surely alcohol and tobacco can't be the cream of the "I need a drink and some nicotine before I behead somebody" crop...and right you would be...but no two other cash cows are produced on the enormous scale that these are...no my friends...mailing an entire building to avoid high shipping freights wasn't the issue in 1916 Utah...the fact that the government couldn't figure out how to spread a .04 cent stamp thin enough they could all take a bite was more likely the culprit...here's a neat little tidbit on how to mail something for free...not that anybody uses the USPS for anything anymore...but should you ever find yourself in need of mailing a letter, a package, or anything under 40,000 tons shaped like a house...place the item inside the envelope...place your name and address in the middle...where you would normally place the addressee information...then in the top left corner of the envelope write the address of where you actually want the piece of mail to end up...do NOT put a stamp on it...walk to your closest mailbox, and drop it in...the post office will notice there isn't a stamp, mark it return to sender...and viola'...package delivered free of charge, courtesy of your overpaid...tax thieving government!!
Mailing an entire building has been illegal in the U.S. since 1916 when a man mailed a 40,000 ton brick house across Utah to avoid high freight rates.
Come on!!
Welcome to America...land of the strangest laws known to man...you can't mail an entire building across the country, but what you can do is mail white powder anywhere in the country and scare the living hell out of a few thousand people...start an anthrax scare...shut down whole sections of government...if you work for UPS you'll undoubtedly remember the United Pot Smugglers incident...they were without a doubt one of the biggest marijuana traffickers in their heydey. I love this country...it's apparently been illegal for anyone coming here...anyone living here...or anyone wanting to seek refuge here to do so with a lick of common sense...mailing a 40,000 ton brick house across Utah in 1916...a mere 8 years after an assembly line was invented for the production of automobiles...so lemme ask you...do you think it's likely...or even possible...that in a mere 8 years our country built its first automobile plant in Michigan...producing such an enormous amount of vehicles that the Mormon tyranny of Utah took it upon themselves to started paving roads and building interstates wide enough to carry a 40,000 ton brick house on a flatbed??? Chances are if you had mentioned a flatbed back in 1916...in Utah...you probably woulda gotten some funny looks form Brigham Young and his 40 wives...nope the fact that there were even 40,000 tons of bricks in the whole state of Utah in 1916 is suspect...it's not like the Salt Flats were the shipping Mecca of the untamed West! No sir this country is a hotbed of the dumbest...least thought out...anal retentive laws a person could think of. It has always struck me odd that our forefathers came here to escape the living conditions they were 'subject' to back in the old countries. Is it just me or is the government really just a cesspool of intellectual aomeba's...mindless, spineless jellylike creatures!! You think this Utah thing is crazy...have you ever stopped to consider that the 2 most addictive substances known to man...alcohol and tobacco...are available over the counter to anyone of age...and yet anything else that cause a craving is subject to the scrutiny of the blandest most tasteless group of people on earth, government employees...but Kevin there are for more addictive substances out there, surely alcohol and tobacco can't be the cream of the "I need a drink and some nicotine before I behead somebody" crop...and right you would be...but no two other cash cows are produced on the enormous scale that these are...no my friends...mailing an entire building to avoid high shipping freights wasn't the issue in 1916 Utah...the fact that the government couldn't figure out how to spread a .04 cent stamp thin enough they could all take a bite was more likely the culprit...here's a neat little tidbit on how to mail something for free...not that anybody uses the USPS for anything anymore...but should you ever find yourself in need of mailing a letter, a package, or anything under 40,000 tons shaped like a house...place the item inside the envelope...place your name and address in the middle...where you would normally place the addressee information...then in the top left corner of the envelope write the address of where you actually want the piece of mail to end up...do NOT put a stamp on it...walk to your closest mailbox, and drop it in...the post office will notice there isn't a stamp, mark it return to sender...and viola'...package delivered free of charge, courtesy of your overpaid...tax thieving government!!
Strange Law Archive
From the strange law archive:
Women in Florida may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
As well they should...the average age for a Floridian is 84...allowing them to sleep beneath a hair dryer leads to all kinds of societal problems...young kids being dragged to the salon or past the salon might mistake the patron for being dead...tug on their parents sleeve and point at the old blue hair baking beneath the upside down toilet...the parents call 911...police and ambulances show up to perform life saving techniques...scaring all the other citizens who bare witness along the way...the child develops post traqumatic stress disorder from the incident...her parents pay for years of therapy...the child grows up and invents the HDAS...Hair Dryer Alert System...which once installed sends an electic jolt thru the body of the octogenarian occupying the seat...thereby waking them/stunning them back to life...the parent who placed the 911 call not only pays for all those years of therapy for the child, but must also pay for a false response by first responders originating from the phone call...they face charges of obstructing justice...and public nuisance...they are offered a plea deal of attempted second degree murder and domestic terrorism, which they get railroaded into accepting by their first rate court appointed attorney who is running for the Prosecutor's chair come next election...they're sentenced to 40 years in prison...where they get a job on the inside sweeping up hair at the Prison Bitch Boutique...by the time they get out for good behavior new laws have been passed and because of their current age they hafta choose where they wanna live Florida or Arizona...they get a job at a local salon with a cattle prod...because by now the HDAS their daughter invented has been outlawed as cruel and inhumane...the salon owner involved at the beginning had to close up shop after all the bad publicity surrounding the incident...earning a reputation as a Holocaustic Hairdresser...the old blue hair who was mistaken for dead has become very well preserved...the decades beneath the sun...countless hours of fake baking up north during the winter and the weekly hair dryer treatment has left Granny lookin like a petrified leather skinned mountain apple with a head of hair now deemed to be the only completely bullet proof follicle forest in Florida...the first responders that day have long forgotten the events of that fateful day when they almost had to strip old blue hair bare ass naked and perform CPR...so as you can see...a little afternoon nap beneath the blue hair bucket might seem as harmless as a toothless heel hound...but the whirlwind of wild ass things that eminated from that one little close eyed nod have catastophic capabilities...so maybe just maybe there was some thought behind this law...or as is most often the case when it comes to the writing and interpretation of laws there isn't an ounce of common sense involved by anyone participating and our country is doomed...as a matter of fact it gets so bad they change the name of one of the biggest beauty pageants the world has ever seen to Miss Leading America...you hafta be able to confuse yourself along with anybody watching to win...blondes are exempt from this contest as that would give them the unfair advantage...waking up seems to be about all they can handle on a daily basis without disrupting their liitle barbie doll existence...so do yourselves a favor...do NOT fall asleep at the salon...help save us all...
Women in Florida may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
As well they should...the average age for a Floridian is 84...allowing them to sleep beneath a hair dryer leads to all kinds of societal problems...young kids being dragged to the salon or past the salon might mistake the patron for being dead...tug on their parents sleeve and point at the old blue hair baking beneath the upside down toilet...the parents call 911...police and ambulances show up to perform life saving techniques...scaring all the other citizens who bare witness along the way...the child develops post traqumatic stress disorder from the incident...her parents pay for years of therapy...the child grows up and invents the HDAS...Hair Dryer Alert System...which once installed sends an electic jolt thru the body of the octogenarian occupying the seat...thereby waking them/stunning them back to life...the parent who placed the 911 call not only pays for all those years of therapy for the child, but must also pay for a false response by first responders originating from the phone call...they face charges of obstructing justice...and public nuisance...they are offered a plea deal of attempted second degree murder and domestic terrorism, which they get railroaded into accepting by their first rate court appointed attorney who is running for the Prosecutor's chair come next election...they're sentenced to 40 years in prison...where they get a job on the inside sweeping up hair at the Prison Bitch Boutique...by the time they get out for good behavior new laws have been passed and because of their current age they hafta choose where they wanna live Florida or Arizona...they get a job at a local salon with a cattle prod...because by now the HDAS their daughter invented has been outlawed as cruel and inhumane...the salon owner involved at the beginning had to close up shop after all the bad publicity surrounding the incident...earning a reputation as a Holocaustic Hairdresser...the old blue hair who was mistaken for dead has become very well preserved...the decades beneath the sun...countless hours of fake baking up north during the winter and the weekly hair dryer treatment has left Granny lookin like a petrified leather skinned mountain apple with a head of hair now deemed to be the only completely bullet proof follicle forest in Florida...the first responders that day have long forgotten the events of that fateful day when they almost had to strip old blue hair bare ass naked and perform CPR...so as you can see...a little afternoon nap beneath the blue hair bucket might seem as harmless as a toothless heel hound...but the whirlwind of wild ass things that eminated from that one little close eyed nod have catastophic capabilities...so maybe just maybe there was some thought behind this law...or as is most often the case when it comes to the writing and interpretation of laws there isn't an ounce of common sense involved by anyone participating and our country is doomed...as a matter of fact it gets so bad they change the name of one of the biggest beauty pageants the world has ever seen to Miss Leading America...you hafta be able to confuse yourself along with anybody watching to win...blondes are exempt from this contest as that would give them the unfair advantage...waking up seems to be about all they can handle on a daily basis without disrupting their liitle barbie doll existence...so do yourselves a favor...do NOT fall asleep at the salon...help save us all...
If you were born in Los Alamos, NM during the Manhattan Project (they made the atomic bomb), your birth place is listed as a post office box in Albuquerque!
Boy did my Momma hit the nail on the head with that one...Los Alamos New Mexico circa 1950...middle of the desert...southwest quadrant...US of A...population...3 lost souls, a dog...a couple scorpions...maybe a snake...and a beat up cactus plant...I kinda doubt they had a zip code let alone a Post Office to stick a box in...lol...why would they list your POB as a...P.O.B...hmmm...Place of Birth...Post Office Box...who the hell was born ina Post Office Box...Tiny Tim...Tom Thumb...Thumbelina...probably not...have ya ever seen The Hills Have Eyes...that's Los Alamos...Nuketown...Retardville...buncha real winners there...looks like the Elephant Man and the guy from Goonies tag teamed the chick in the picture attached. Idk about you guys...but if I could have my birthplace listed as a P.O.Box in New Mexico I think I would petition the U.S. Government to declare my lily white ass a piece of male (it's not misspelled...it's a pun) and then anytime I wanted to go somewhere I'd just show up at the post office dressed in a white T-shirt...buck naked from the waist down...with an address on the back of the shirt and an oversized Elvis stamp stuck to my forehead...that's right...you wanna guinea pig nuclear (or nucular as some of the more radiated people used to say when they's in office) weapons on me the least you can do is provide me with cheap airfare...what the hell were they thinking...did they really think they could just mail all the egg headed embryo's to an imaginary Post Office in the middle of the New Mexico desert and nobody would catch on??? Hello??? McFly??? You'd think the mailman would be the first to figure it out...I mean how many times does a guy hafta drive down some dusty 2 track to the middle of a bomb crater before he starts settin off the geiger counters back at headquarters...I'm actually kinda glad the government in this country elected to engage in the various degrees of dumbass testing with atom bombs and hydrogen bombs...and "F" bombs...way back in the '50's...I mean hell if they hadn't figured out how to produce somethin that could get into the wrong hands and wreak havoc throughout the Terrible Towel Head Territories...where would we be today??? Would we be waterboarding people for answers...in a prison cell...somewhere tropical like say...Cuba...just far enough away from American soil to allow our government plausible deniability??? I think NOT!!! We would probably be minding our own damn business instead of running around preaching Democracy and then shoving our way of life down other people's throats...but Hey...who am I to judge...maybe there were WMD (Weapons of Moronic Debate) in Iraq and our re-invasion of a country...proven to be a buncha Shame faced Sunni Shit talkers...was justified...then again maybe it was all about what Ol' Jed liked to call Texas Tea...either way...next time you happen to be travelling thru New Mexico...Los Alamos to be exact...which I've learned is an old Mexican phrase meaning "nuke me til my asshole falls out everytime I stand up"...take a peak up into the rocky hills as you pass by and give a heary salute to the Humpback Hillbillies who made government guinea pig testing such a successfull endeavor!!!
Boy did my Momma hit the nail on the head with that one...Los Alamos New Mexico circa 1950...middle of the desert...southwest quadrant...US of A...population...3 lost souls, a dog...a couple scorpions...maybe a snake...and a beat up cactus plant...I kinda doubt they had a zip code let alone a Post Office to stick a box in...lol...why would they list your POB as a...P.O.B...hmmm...Place of Birth...Post Office Box...who the hell was born ina Post Office Box...Tiny Tim...Tom Thumb...Thumbelina...probably not...have ya ever seen The Hills Have Eyes...that's Los Alamos...Nuketown...Retardville...buncha real winners there...looks like the Elephant Man and the guy from Goonies tag teamed the chick in the picture attached. Idk about you guys...but if I could have my birthplace listed as a P.O.Box in New Mexico I think I would petition the U.S. Government to declare my lily white ass a piece of male (it's not misspelled...it's a pun) and then anytime I wanted to go somewhere I'd just show up at the post office dressed in a white T-shirt...buck naked from the waist down...with an address on the back of the shirt and an oversized Elvis stamp stuck to my forehead...that's right...you wanna guinea pig nuclear (or nucular as some of the more radiated people used to say when they's in office) weapons on me the least you can do is provide me with cheap airfare...what the hell were they thinking...did they really think they could just mail all the egg headed embryo's to an imaginary Post Office in the middle of the New Mexico desert and nobody would catch on??? Hello??? McFly??? You'd think the mailman would be the first to figure it out...I mean how many times does a guy hafta drive down some dusty 2 track to the middle of a bomb crater before he starts settin off the geiger counters back at headquarters...I'm actually kinda glad the government in this country elected to engage in the various degrees of dumbass testing with atom bombs and hydrogen bombs...and "F" bombs...way back in the '50's...I mean hell if they hadn't figured out how to produce somethin that could get into the wrong hands and wreak havoc throughout the Terrible Towel Head Territories...where would we be today??? Would we be waterboarding people for answers...in a prison cell...somewhere tropical like say...Cuba...just far enough away from American soil to allow our government plausible deniability??? I think NOT!!! We would probably be minding our own damn business instead of running around preaching Democracy and then shoving our way of life down other people's throats...but Hey...who am I to judge...maybe there were WMD (Weapons of Moronic Debate) in Iraq and our re-invasion of a country...proven to be a buncha Shame faced Sunni Shit talkers...was justified...then again maybe it was all about what Ol' Jed liked to call Texas Tea...either way...next time you happen to be travelling thru New Mexico...Los Alamos to be exact...which I've learned is an old Mexican phrase meaning "nuke me til my asshole falls out everytime I stand up"...take a peak up into the rocky hills as you pass by and give a heary salute to the Humpback Hillbillies who made government guinea pig testing such a successfull endeavor!!!
Today's Tidbit 10/03/2011
Sixty-nine percent of Americans believe they will go somewhere after death.
Only 69 % of you believe they'll go somewhere after death eh??? So what about you other 31%...you dumbasses think what??? NEWS FLASH...death is permanent...rotting flesh and decaying bodies tend to stink up a place...YOU'RE ALL going somewhere when you die...trust me...either into a big ass oven to be cremated or into the ground to be feasted on by little slimy crawly things...but it's 100% certain your ass isn't gonna just sit around drawing flies! Now I could be wrong...I've only been here on this planet for a little over 40 years...however I haven't once read an obituary or attended a funeral and then stopped at the local watering hole a week later and had a drink with the deceased...people don't run into each other at the Hardware store and greet each other with "Hey...just saw Clyde...he looks great since climbin outta the coffin"...so unless you 31% have an Invisibility Cloak you stole from Harry Potter or one of his little Hogwarts hellions...I'd jump on the bandwagon of belief and start gettin used to the idea because like it or not life is one steady march towards impending doom and certain death...there is no Fountain of Youth...the last Pirates movie was a fantasy...Now some of you are wondering what happens after the cremation or burial...where do we go from there...I don't have all the answers...if I did I'd be the richest man in the world because I would charge for everything that came outta my mouth...but if you're wondering..."Will I go to Heaven...or Hell?" Personally, I have my doubts...according to Google Sky Maps...and billions upon billions of NASA related data...and every known telescope currently available...including Hubble...there doesn't appear to be an actual location for Heaven...as far as Hell...those of you who are married or have ever been married can attest...Hell is a physical and mental side effect of that glorious bond...as far as Purgatory...if you're unhappy with life...YOU'RE in Purgatory...you're either deciding to go thru Hell and get married, or enjoy life to the fullest which means staying single...and is as close to Heaven as you'll ever get!!!
Only 69 % of you believe they'll go somewhere after death eh??? So what about you other 31%...you dumbasses think what??? NEWS FLASH...death is permanent...rotting flesh and decaying bodies tend to stink up a place...YOU'RE ALL going somewhere when you die...trust me...either into a big ass oven to be cremated or into the ground to be feasted on by little slimy crawly things...but it's 100% certain your ass isn't gonna just sit around drawing flies! Now I could be wrong...I've only been here on this planet for a little over 40 years...however I haven't once read an obituary or attended a funeral and then stopped at the local watering hole a week later and had a drink with the deceased...people don't run into each other at the Hardware store and greet each other with "Hey...just saw Clyde...he looks great since climbin outta the coffin"...so unless you 31% have an Invisibility Cloak you stole from Harry Potter or one of his little Hogwarts hellions...I'd jump on the bandwagon of belief and start gettin used to the idea because like it or not life is one steady march towards impending doom and certain death...there is no Fountain of Youth...the last Pirates movie was a fantasy...Now some of you are wondering what happens after the cremation or burial...where do we go from there...I don't have all the answers...if I did I'd be the richest man in the world because I would charge for everything that came outta my mouth...but if you're wondering..."Will I go to Heaven...or Hell?" Personally, I have my doubts...according to Google Sky Maps...and billions upon billions of NASA related data...and every known telescope currently available...including Hubble...there doesn't appear to be an actual location for Heaven...as far as Hell...those of you who are married or have ever been married can attest...Hell is a physical and mental side effect of that glorious bond...as far as Purgatory...if you're unhappy with life...YOU'RE in Purgatory...you're either deciding to go thru Hell and get married, or enjoy life to the fullest which means staying single...and is as close to Heaven as you'll ever get!!!
Today's Tidbit 10/04/2011
The official soft drink of the state of Nebraska is Kool-Aid
Really??? And hear I thought it was a Jonestown exclusive...hell I even caught wind there was a coupla new flavors comin out...Guyana Grape...cures Gout, Gonorrhea, and Getting up the next day...then thats gonna be followed by Jim's Jungle Juice...a hallucinatory concoction...Cherry flavored...with just a hint of suicide...how the hell did Nebraska lay claim...I mean what the hell...did Jim Jones run a Cornfed Countryfuck Camp outside of Lincoln back in the day to recruit his Kool-Aid Kids...909 people...men, women, and children...committed suicide...and I say...GOOD RIDDANCE!!! But Kevin...thats so cold and heartless...(screeching halt sound)...now hold up...wait a minute...lets think about this a second...a huge group of people gathered together and willingly believed in a lunatic and his preachings...so much so they drank spiked Kool Aid to kill themselves...and I'm supposed to feel...what? Sorry for them...show a little compassion...NO...these people did society/civilization a favor...I mean c'mon who wants that shit floatin around the gene pool...NOT I...as a matter of fact I can't wait for Christmas next year...with the whole 2012 End of Days prophecies...can you imagine all the shit thats gonna be left behind??? I'm hopin to claim a few fully furnished homes on my own private island...a huge boat/yacht...I.mean the opportunities should almost be limitless...Christmas next year should definitely be nice for those who have crazy assed cousin fucker cult members close at hand...and just in case I'm wrong and not enough of these...'The End is Near' Neandrathals don't off themselves before Christmas...have no fear...I have a huge punchbowl to bring in the New Year!!!
Really??? And hear I thought it was a Jonestown exclusive...hell I even caught wind there was a coupla new flavors comin out...Guyana Grape...cures Gout, Gonorrhea, and Getting up the next day...then thats gonna be followed by Jim's Jungle Juice...a hallucinatory concoction...Cherry flavored...with just a hint of suicide...how the hell did Nebraska lay claim...I mean what the hell...did Jim Jones run a Cornfed Countryfuck Camp outside of Lincoln back in the day to recruit his Kool-Aid Kids...909 people...men, women, and children...committed suicide...and I say...GOOD RIDDANCE!!! But Kevin...thats so cold and heartless...(screeching halt sound)...now hold up...wait a minute...lets think about this a second...a huge group of people gathered together and willingly believed in a lunatic and his preachings...so much so they drank spiked Kool Aid to kill themselves...and I'm supposed to feel...what? Sorry for them...show a little compassion...NO...these people did society/civilization a favor...I mean c'mon who wants that shit floatin around the gene pool...NOT I...as a matter of fact I can't wait for Christmas next year...with the whole 2012 End of Days prophecies...can you imagine all the shit thats gonna be left behind??? I'm hopin to claim a few fully furnished homes on my own private island...a huge boat/yacht...I.mean the opportunities should almost be limitless...Christmas next year should definitely be nice for those who have crazy assed cousin fucker cult members close at hand...and just in case I'm wrong and not enough of these...'The End is Near' Neandrathals don't off themselves before Christmas...have no fear...I have a huge punchbowl to bring in the New Year!!!
Today's Tidbit 10/07/2011
From the strange law archive:
Snoring is prohibited in Massachusetts unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked. It is also illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath.
And you couldn't have found this out like lets say 10-15 years ago...while Grandma was still rattling glass and sending roof shingles screaming thru the midnight air...course I doubt very seriously that a few closed windows woulda helped much...which is why they probably had to be securely locked also...for fear the neighbors would all gather in the backyard with torches burning...planning to attack the Ogre making that awful bone grinding snore...I love my Grandma dearly but when that lady snored it sounded like a convoy of 18 wheelers jakebraking thru town, a couple dozen jackhammers all pounding away in unison...a parking lot full of top fuel dragsters all firing the engines together...to say the lady snored is an understatement...kinda like sayin...theres sand in the desert...it just doesn't serve it justice! As far as the bathing thing goes...I guess if I were homeless I would exploit this little law to the fullest extent and move my dirty cardboard house carryin ass to Mass...they made the law...they can enforce it...by giving me a free bath every damn day...get a few thousand cardboard corporals to move into Boston...a month of bathin on the states dime I'm pretty sure they'll find it behooves them to change the law rather than pay the water bill...I love these Strange Law archives...it kinda proves my point from yesterday...here we are laughing about the dumb shit they did a few hundred years ago...which are still on the books today! The same people who were in a position to pass these laws...are the same type of people who have me sharing this picture with you today...they're about as brilliant as a bowl of lime green jello...nice and shiny...without the ability to formulate a single thought...lol
Snoring is prohibited in Massachusetts unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked. It is also illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath.
And you couldn't have found this out like lets say 10-15 years ago...while Grandma was still rattling glass and sending roof shingles screaming thru the midnight air...course I doubt very seriously that a few closed windows woulda helped much...which is why they probably had to be securely locked also...for fear the neighbors would all gather in the backyard with torches burning...planning to attack the Ogre making that awful bone grinding snore...I love my Grandma dearly but when that lady snored it sounded like a convoy of 18 wheelers jakebraking thru town, a couple dozen jackhammers all pounding away in unison...a parking lot full of top fuel dragsters all firing the engines together...to say the lady snored is an understatement...kinda like sayin...theres sand in the desert...it just doesn't serve it justice! As far as the bathing thing goes...I guess if I were homeless I would exploit this little law to the fullest extent and move my dirty cardboard house carryin ass to Mass...they made the law...they can enforce it...by giving me a free bath every damn day...get a few thousand cardboard corporals to move into Boston...a month of bathin on the states dime I'm pretty sure they'll find it behooves them to change the law rather than pay the water bill...I love these Strange Law archives...it kinda proves my point from yesterday...here we are laughing about the dumb shit they did a few hundred years ago...which are still on the books today! The same people who were in a position to pass these laws...are the same type of people who have me sharing this picture with you today...they're about as brilliant as a bowl of lime green jello...nice and shiny...without the ability to formulate a single thought...lol
Today's Tidbit 10/10/2011
In the kingdom of Bhutan, all citizens officially become a year older on New Year's Day.
Well now isn't that a little odd...everyone turns a year older on New Years Day...I didn't even know there was a Bhutan...let alone that it was a Kingdom...what kinda inbreeding takes place in Bhutan to make them think this was a good idea...these people must make window lickers seem like sages...I mean is this place even taken seriously...do other countries acknowledge Bhutan as a Kingdom...ruled by a royal family? Or is Bhutan a kingdom in the same sense Walt Disney World is...which would make the Bhutanese people akin to Mickey Mouse Club Cadets...ALL HAIL ANNETTE FUNICELLO!!! This may have been a fabulous idea back in the day where the Kingdom of Bhutan was still grass shacks and mud huts but in this day and age one hasta wonder what kinda impact this has on these 'royal' subjects...It would appear the Kingdom of Bhutan's ancient ancestors lacked the psychic ability of their counterparts...otherwise they would have shitcanned this plan long before it became a nightmare for it's citizens...Assuming this 'kingdom' has evolved at pace with the rest of us one can only imagine the horror of a massive New Years Day aging ceremony...if you think standing in line at your local DMV sucks ass...try being Bhutanese on Jan. 2nd...I mean where is Bhutan anyway...right next to the Isle of Idiots? I mean these people must be 3rd generation West Virginia coal miner smart to come up with that intellectual little plan...I mean what's their official Seal...a picture of some big eared Dumbo look a like wearin a cowboy hat on a ranch in Texas...it would explain alot during that 8 year stint of stupidity we had to endure!!!
Well now isn't that a little odd...everyone turns a year older on New Years Day...I didn't even know there was a Bhutan...let alone that it was a Kingdom...what kinda inbreeding takes place in Bhutan to make them think this was a good idea...these people must make window lickers seem like sages...I mean is this place even taken seriously...do other countries acknowledge Bhutan as a Kingdom...ruled by a royal family? Or is Bhutan a kingdom in the same sense Walt Disney World is...which would make the Bhutanese people akin to Mickey Mouse Club Cadets...ALL HAIL ANNETTE FUNICELLO!!! This may have been a fabulous idea back in the day where the Kingdom of Bhutan was still grass shacks and mud huts but in this day and age one hasta wonder what kinda impact this has on these 'royal' subjects...It would appear the Kingdom of Bhutan's ancient ancestors lacked the psychic ability of their counterparts...otherwise they would have shitcanned this plan long before it became a nightmare for it's citizens...Assuming this 'kingdom' has evolved at pace with the rest of us one can only imagine the horror of a massive New Years Day aging ceremony...if you think standing in line at your local DMV sucks ass...try being Bhutanese on Jan. 2nd...I mean where is Bhutan anyway...right next to the Isle of Idiots? I mean these people must be 3rd generation West Virginia coal miner smart to come up with that intellectual little plan...I mean what's their official Seal...a picture of some big eared Dumbo look a like wearin a cowboy hat on a ranch in Texas...it would explain alot during that 8 year stint of stupidity we had to endure!!!
Today's Tidbit 10/11/2011
Before settling on the name of Tiny Tim for his character in "A Christmas Carol", there other names were considered - Little Larry, Puny Pete and Small Sam.
I'm surprised there were only three other selections...no Knee high Nathan...Midget Mike...Four Foot Fred...Halfpint Harry...Shortfuck Phil...sounds like a 1970's one moneyshot wonder from the porn industry...Curb Climbin Cliff...Dime size Darrell...thank god they didn't hafta worry about political correctness back in the day eh...otherwise it very well coulda been titled "A Christmas Carol...starring Vertically Challenged Veronica in the role of Not So Tall Tim"...not that I'm insensitive...well perhaps a little...okay okay honestly maybe what I consider hilarious others may find offensive or insensitive...and to those people...I'd just like to borrow a quote from one of my all time favorite comedic geniuses...Archie Bunker...and say Shut the Hell up ya pinko commie bastards...I may be alone on this matter too but I happen to think political correctness has its place...on the bottom of the ocean just behind most politicians...I'm sick of all this pc bs...Maybe I don't appreciate being labeled White...maybe I wanna be called an Absence of Color American...all these people wanna change the world thru vocabulary...fuckin dumbasses...so much so they'll spend millions of dollars doing it...Have you seen the commercials and ad campaigns "Spread the word to help stop the WORD"...referring to 'retard'...Idk about you folks but I haven't called anybody a retard in years...preferring obviously to attempt my own hand @ what I like to call Kevin's Kalamitous Karousel of Korrectness with terms such as helmet head...chinstrap Charlie...Windowlicker...Shortbus Salutorian...that commercial itself pisses me off simply because the people its aimed to protect more likely than not haven't the proper mental capacity to embrace its message...its like engaging in an entire ad campaign to intiate a cease and desist referrendum to abolish the term 'vegetable' for people who find themselves in the unsavory position of being brain dead...see politician...those people have no idea they're even being referred to...so what if these little Wizard of Oz Munchkin rejects get upset what's the worst that can happen...they band together and kick ya in the shins...I say bring it on ya Goliath of the Grassgrabbers!!!
I'm surprised there were only three other selections...no Knee high Nathan...Midget Mike...Four Foot Fred...Halfpint Harry...Shortfuck Phil...sounds like a 1970's one moneyshot wonder from the porn industry...Curb Climbin Cliff...Dime size Darrell...thank god they didn't hafta worry about political correctness back in the day eh...otherwise it very well coulda been titled "A Christmas Carol...starring Vertically Challenged Veronica in the role of Not So Tall Tim"...not that I'm insensitive...well perhaps a little...okay okay honestly maybe what I consider hilarious others may find offensive or insensitive...and to those people...I'd just like to borrow a quote from one of my all time favorite comedic geniuses...Archie Bunker...and say Shut the Hell up ya pinko commie bastards...I may be alone on this matter too but I happen to think political correctness has its place...on the bottom of the ocean just behind most politicians...I'm sick of all this pc bs...Maybe I don't appreciate being labeled White...maybe I wanna be called an Absence of Color American...all these people wanna change the world thru vocabulary...fuckin dumbasses...so much so they'll spend millions of dollars doing it...Have you seen the commercials and ad campaigns "Spread the word to help stop the WORD"...referring to 'retard'...Idk about you folks but I haven't called anybody a retard in years...preferring obviously to attempt my own hand @ what I like to call Kevin's Kalamitous Karousel of Korrectness with terms such as helmet head...chinstrap Charlie...Windowlicker...Shortbus Salutorian...that commercial itself pisses me off simply because the people its aimed to protect more likely than not haven't the proper mental capacity to embrace its message...its like engaging in an entire ad campaign to intiate a cease and desist referrendum to abolish the term 'vegetable' for people who find themselves in the unsavory position of being brain dead...see politician...those people have no idea they're even being referred to...so what if these little Wizard of Oz Munchkin rejects get upset what's the worst that can happen...they band together and kick ya in the shins...I say bring it on ya Goliath of the Grassgrabbers!!!
Today's Tidbit 10/12/2011
In 1996, Christmas caroling was banned at two major malls in Pensacola, FL. The shoppers and merchants complained it was too loud and the carolers took up too much space.
I personally don't find this the least bit shocking...it's Florida...you hafta be 68 just to buy a house in that state...so I'm not surprised that the Octogenarians of Pensacola banded together to shut down a buncha young whippersnappers and make them stop caroling...Can you imagina a mall filled with people over 80...walkers, canes, wheelchairs all over the place...hearing aids...diapers...bibs...and bad attitudes about the inevitable tick tock of lifes clock running out...I suppose I'd be a little pissed too if I were in that condition...unable to walk by myself at a speed greater than reverse...needing part of a gramophone to use as a hearing aid...pudding falling off my toothless chin onto a bib I have grown accustomed to some little paid caretaker strangling me with every morning...do I wanna go for a push around a mall filled with a buncha other old decrepid souls like me? Hell no! Then you're gonna force me to listen to these hoodlums sing Christmas songs out of tune and so loud they make my hearing aid screech...I'll pass...I don't want what could possibly be my last Christmas to be clouded by the image of Santa's Elves with their pants fallin off their asses singing their version of Christmas Carols...My Homies Fight (Oh Holy Night)...Jingle Bells Prison Cells...Joy to the World (Okay this one's title didn't change but now it's bein sung by a group of heathens who look like Flav-o-flav rejects and the lyrics suggest it has to do with pimpin a young lady named Joy)...Costly the Blowman (A nod to the Cuban Cocaine dealer who lives down the block)...I'm Screamin for Some White Bitches (Another pimped out carol) I'm surprised they even allow people under the age of 40 to visit Florida...those people down there are so old they pass dust instead of gas...and hell with all that sunlight and warm weather over 85% of Floridians elect to have their remains sent to a local Tannery prior to being shipped to the nearest Casketarian
I personally don't find this the least bit shocking...it's Florida...you hafta be 68 just to buy a house in that state...so I'm not surprised that the Octogenarians of Pensacola banded together to shut down a buncha young whippersnappers and make them stop caroling...Can you imagina a mall filled with people over 80...walkers, canes, wheelchairs all over the place...hearing aids...diapers...bibs...and bad attitudes about the inevitable tick tock of lifes clock running out...I suppose I'd be a little pissed too if I were in that condition...unable to walk by myself at a speed greater than reverse...needing part of a gramophone to use as a hearing aid...pudding falling off my toothless chin onto a bib I have grown accustomed to some little paid caretaker strangling me with every morning...do I wanna go for a push around a mall filled with a buncha other old decrepid souls like me? Hell no! Then you're gonna force me to listen to these hoodlums sing Christmas songs out of tune and so loud they make my hearing aid screech...I'll pass...I don't want what could possibly be my last Christmas to be clouded by the image of Santa's Elves with their pants fallin off their asses singing their version of Christmas Carols...My Homies Fight (Oh Holy Night)...Jingle Bells Prison Cells...Joy to the World (Okay this one's title didn't change but now it's bein sung by a group of heathens who look like Flav-o-flav rejects and the lyrics suggest it has to do with pimpin a young lady named Joy)...Costly the Blowman (A nod to the Cuban Cocaine dealer who lives down the block)...I'm Screamin for Some White Bitches (Another pimped out carol) I'm surprised they even allow people under the age of 40 to visit Florida...those people down there are so old they pass dust instead of gas...and hell with all that sunlight and warm weather over 85% of Floridians elect to have their remains sent to a local Tannery prior to being shipped to the nearest Casketarian
Today's Tidbit 10/13/2011
From the strange law archive:
In Denmark, you have to pay a tax to use the back seat of your car for passengers.
Too bad we didn't have that law here...probably woulda cut down on the number of shotgun weddings. Of course if Denmark is like most European countries there aren't alotta backseats to begin with...those lucky enough to have a vehicle have the little 2 seat smart cars as opposed to the luxury model matchbox cars sold at K-Mart. Another interesting note is that in Denmark women outnumber men almost 7-1...so its quite possible that law was passed to attempt a limitation on backseat driving, huh...huh...not such a bad idea when ya look at it that way eh? See if I lived over there and were married, I'd either own a truck or a Cadillac...I'd take everything but the drivers seat out, and she could ride in the wind or the trunk and bitch about stopping for directions all day long...tax free!!! For most Danish families it would be a new twist on modern technology...instead of paying for a Tom Tom you could simply pay the tax and have your very own Backseat Naggravator...complete with Know-it-all Nagging...Turn by Turn fits of frustration...Medusa Map reading with Two block bitch fests...(you gotta turn left ahead...turn comin up...get ready to turn...one more block dumbass...get ready...do you see the turn...put your turn signal on...whaddaya outta blinker fluid...my Mother was right I shoulda married someone else...you missed the turn ya horses ass) Lotta cliffs in Denmark be careful not to drive off one...directions to hell can be even worse!!!
In Denmark, you have to pay a tax to use the back seat of your car for passengers.
Too bad we didn't have that law here...probably woulda cut down on the number of shotgun weddings. Of course if Denmark is like most European countries there aren't alotta backseats to begin with...those lucky enough to have a vehicle have the little 2 seat smart cars as opposed to the luxury model matchbox cars sold at K-Mart. Another interesting note is that in Denmark women outnumber men almost 7-1...so its quite possible that law was passed to attempt a limitation on backseat driving, huh...huh...not such a bad idea when ya look at it that way eh? See if I lived over there and were married, I'd either own a truck or a Cadillac...I'd take everything but the drivers seat out, and she could ride in the wind or the trunk and bitch about stopping for directions all day long...tax free!!! For most Danish families it would be a new twist on modern technology...instead of paying for a Tom Tom you could simply pay the tax and have your very own Backseat Naggravator...complete with Know-it-all Nagging...Turn by Turn fits of frustration...Medusa Map reading with Two block bitch fests...(you gotta turn left ahead...turn comin up...get ready to turn...one more block dumbass...get ready...do you see the turn...put your turn signal on...whaddaya outta blinker fluid...my Mother was right I shoulda married someone else...you missed the turn ya horses ass) Lotta cliffs in Denmark be careful not to drive off one...directions to hell can be even worse!!!
Today's Tidbit 10/14/2011
The term "flying on cloud 9" originated from military flights. Cloud types are classified by numbers . . .with "cloud 9" being a very tall thunderstorm.
Hmmm...that makes perfect sense...since the clouds we were taught about in school were cumulus...stratus...cirrus...nimbus...cirrostratus...altocumulus...nimbostratus...stratocumulus...fair weather cumulus...cumulonimbus... contrails...billow clouds..mammatus...orographic...pileus clouds...and last but not least nubes number novem clouds...or as they're commonly called in the military Etiam adipiscing caelo nubes (that's latin for very tall thunderstorm cloud) Of course having been in the military...in particular the Air Force...you know the ones responsible for airplane flight and pilots...and I remember on several occassions sitting around at the base bar listening to the pilots chatter on and on about cloud 4 incidents and cloud 12 encounters but I don't think I once overheard any of them extrapolate about cloud 9 moments...however I have heard the terrm used and to me it makes no sense...now I know it's not my Momma's fault that a portion of Today's Tidbit is incorrect...that blame goes to the original author and his/her piss poor internet research skills...the term cloud nine is a classification given to very tall thunderstorm clouds but not by military pilots...it actually originated with the U.S. Weather Service...the term..."being on cloud nine" is most commonly used to explain someones blissful reaction to an event...comparing that person to being on top of the world since cloud nines are the tallest of all white puffy sky consuming pillowy things...however very seldom have I seen cumulonimbus (cloud 9) clouds turn into blissful events...they usually end up unleashing a torrent of rain along with thunder and lightning ...a very mood and brooding cloud to say the least...so that in the sentence..."When he proposed to her on bended knee, she immediately accepted and the rest of her day she seemed to float on cloud 9" could mistakenly be misinterpreted that the young bride to be was ecstatic, excited, blissful, euphoric...while in reality it relates a bitter truth...that poor bastard has no idea the life long monsoon of marital madness he is about to endure...the tornado like torrents he must run and hide from once a month...the Hurricane of hell he must abide for making the mistake of leaving the toilet seat down...which is a topic all itself...who in the hell came up with that little 'rule'...here's the deal ladies...if your arms aren't broke you can just as easily lower the seat to use it and lift it when you're done...and don't gimme any of that 'it's a man's duty' mambo jambo we invented the damn things for you...to us they're just a damn nuisance you lady's feel the need to bitch about...you wanted equal rights...raise and lower the damn seat when YOU need to...it'll help keep your ass dry! Now back to those clouds...all too often the english language provides us with these little moments where certain terms and words are improperly defined to mean the exact opposite of what they should...but in this case I think the meaning was actually a cleverly hidden message forewarning all those who seek the 'top of the world ma' status of the catastrophic consequences one is sure to endure when falling from such a height back to reality...marriage isn't all blissful, white, billowing, soft, and caressing...all too often it's like that movie "A Perfect Storm" you ride around the big old ocean in a little ass dinghy...thunder, lightning...monstrous rogue waves...hoping and praying you can hold on long enough for it to end!!!
Hmmm...that makes perfect sense...since the clouds we were taught about in school were cumulus...stratus...cirrus...nimbus...cirrostratus...altocumulus...nimbostratus...stratocumulus...fair weather cumulus...cumulonimbus... contrails...billow clouds..mammatus...orographic...pileus clouds...and last but not least nubes number novem clouds...or as they're commonly called in the military Etiam adipiscing caelo nubes (that's latin for very tall thunderstorm cloud) Of course having been in the military...in particular the Air Force...you know the ones responsible for airplane flight and pilots...and I remember on several occassions sitting around at the base bar listening to the pilots chatter on and on about cloud 4 incidents and cloud 12 encounters but I don't think I once overheard any of them extrapolate about cloud 9 moments...however I have heard the terrm used and to me it makes no sense...now I know it's not my Momma's fault that a portion of Today's Tidbit is incorrect...that blame goes to the original author and his/her piss poor internet research skills...the term cloud nine is a classification given to very tall thunderstorm clouds but not by military pilots...it actually originated with the U.S. Weather Service...the term..."being on cloud nine" is most commonly used to explain someones blissful reaction to an event...comparing that person to being on top of the world since cloud nines are the tallest of all white puffy sky consuming pillowy things...however very seldom have I seen cumulonimbus (cloud 9) clouds turn into blissful events...they usually end up unleashing a torrent of rain along with thunder and lightning ...a very mood and brooding cloud to say the least...so that in the sentence..."When he proposed to her on bended knee, she immediately accepted and the rest of her day she seemed to float on cloud 9" could mistakenly be misinterpreted that the young bride to be was ecstatic, excited, blissful, euphoric...while in reality it relates a bitter truth...that poor bastard has no idea the life long monsoon of marital madness he is about to endure...the tornado like torrents he must run and hide from once a month...the Hurricane of hell he must abide for making the mistake of leaving the toilet seat down...which is a topic all itself...who in the hell came up with that little 'rule'...here's the deal ladies...if your arms aren't broke you can just as easily lower the seat to use it and lift it when you're done...and don't gimme any of that 'it's a man's duty' mambo jambo we invented the damn things for you...to us they're just a damn nuisance you lady's feel the need to bitch about...you wanted equal rights...raise and lower the damn seat when YOU need to...it'll help keep your ass dry! Now back to those clouds...all too often the english language provides us with these little moments where certain terms and words are improperly defined to mean the exact opposite of what they should...but in this case I think the meaning was actually a cleverly hidden message forewarning all those who seek the 'top of the world ma' status of the catastrophic consequences one is sure to endure when falling from such a height back to reality...marriage isn't all blissful, white, billowing, soft, and caressing...all too often it's like that movie "A Perfect Storm" you ride around the big old ocean in a little ass dinghy...thunder, lightning...monstrous rogue waves...hoping and praying you can hold on long enough for it to end!!!
Today's Tidbit 10/17/2011
The roads in Guam are made of coral (mixed with concrete) because Guam has no sand. The beaches are actually ground coral.
Really? Really? No sand in guam...hmmm...Google Images begs to differ...and so do I...sometimes I am just flabbergasted that my Momma is able to single out the one TIDBIT that just absolutely screams right from the get go "I've NEVER been outta Minnesota don'tcha know but I'm gonna use this here CPU to get on the internet and tell people what we learned in Dipshitsville Remedial Scool for the Ignorant today" No sand in Guam...that's like saying it only snows half an inch a year in Alaska...No sand in Guam...it's an island...in the middle of the ocean...and what do oceans do class? They ebb and flow...that's right Johnny...they are constantly shifting back and forth...millions of gallons of water...and SAND...which it deposits on anything and everything it comes across...now the roads in Guam may be made out of crushed coral...never been there personally however I did have a friend of mine while in the Air Force who was stationed at Guam...fantastic tales did he tell...the island is about the size of a boulder...and that most people on Guam ride bikes...it takes about 2-4 hours to ride around the entire island...ON A BIKE...so it's not like there's a need for Superhighways. The beaches are actually ground coral??? Seriously??? Lived in Hawaii for a number of years...CORAL is dangerously sharp...think Ginsu knife kinda sharp...it will slice and dice your ass quicker than Emeril's stoned ass with the munchies...so ground CORAL would be like...anyone?? anyone?? That's right Johnny...like crushed glass...and altho crushed glass may not cut you as quickly or deeply as whole glass...I'd like to see somebody boot scoot boogie their ass across some crushed CORAL...I've walked on Coral...it's notta lotta fun...so beaches being made outta crushed CORAL makes absolutely no sense. Coral provides several necessities for an island's Marine ecosystem...and most if not all are protected...it's apparent that the author either A) has never been to Guam or B) is like so many other flatfoot tourists who visit tropical locations for a 3 day vacation...gullible as hell...to prove a point when our family moved back from Hawaii we shipped our truck to California, naturally it had Hawaii State license plates...we drove across the country sightseeing to North Carolina...along the way I met several skindivers from the shallow end of the gene pool...We were towing our camper during this little excursion...on more than one occassion I recall people at the RV stops asking..."How'd y'all get that there truck here from Hawaiier?" "We drove it across on the Pacific Oceanic Turnpike" (P.O.T.) I would explain...takes alotta gas and there's nowhere to stop and take a pee...on one occassion I had a nice fella show me pictures he had taken while on vacation in Hawaii a couple years back...I'll never forget the nice pineapple trees he showed me...I didn't have the 3 weeks necessary to explain to this plant expert that pineapples don't grow on trees!!
On a side note this years World Series will be battled out between the TEXAS RANGERS and the ST. LOUIS CARDINALS...I'm gonna cast my vote now...GO WINGS!!!
Really? Really? No sand in guam...hmmm...Google Images begs to differ...and so do I...sometimes I am just flabbergasted that my Momma is able to single out the one TIDBIT that just absolutely screams right from the get go "I've NEVER been outta Minnesota don'tcha know but I'm gonna use this here CPU to get on the internet and tell people what we learned in Dipshitsville Remedial Scool for the Ignorant today" No sand in Guam...that's like saying it only snows half an inch a year in Alaska...No sand in Guam...it's an island...in the middle of the ocean...and what do oceans do class? They ebb and flow...that's right Johnny...they are constantly shifting back and forth...millions of gallons of water...and SAND...which it deposits on anything and everything it comes across...now the roads in Guam may be made out of crushed coral...never been there personally however I did have a friend of mine while in the Air Force who was stationed at Guam...fantastic tales did he tell...the island is about the size of a boulder...and that most people on Guam ride bikes...it takes about 2-4 hours to ride around the entire island...ON A BIKE...so it's not like there's a need for Superhighways. The beaches are actually ground coral??? Seriously??? Lived in Hawaii for a number of years...CORAL is dangerously sharp...think Ginsu knife kinda sharp...it will slice and dice your ass quicker than Emeril's stoned ass with the munchies...so ground CORAL would be like...anyone?? anyone?? That's right Johnny...like crushed glass...and altho crushed glass may not cut you as quickly or deeply as whole glass...I'd like to see somebody boot scoot boogie their ass across some crushed CORAL...I've walked on Coral...it's notta lotta fun...so beaches being made outta crushed CORAL makes absolutely no sense. Coral provides several necessities for an island's Marine ecosystem...and most if not all are protected...it's apparent that the author either A) has never been to Guam or B) is like so many other flatfoot tourists who visit tropical locations for a 3 day vacation...gullible as hell...to prove a point when our family moved back from Hawaii we shipped our truck to California, naturally it had Hawaii State license plates...we drove across the country sightseeing to North Carolina...along the way I met several skindivers from the shallow end of the gene pool...We were towing our camper during this little excursion...on more than one occassion I recall people at the RV stops asking..."How'd y'all get that there truck here from Hawaiier?" "We drove it across on the Pacific Oceanic Turnpike" (P.O.T.) I would explain...takes alotta gas and there's nowhere to stop and take a pee...on one occassion I had a nice fella show me pictures he had taken while on vacation in Hawaii a couple years back...I'll never forget the nice pineapple trees he showed me...I didn't have the 3 weeks necessary to explain to this plant expert that pineapples don't grow on trees!!
On a side note this years World Series will be battled out between the TEXAS RANGERS and the ST. LOUIS CARDINALS...I'm gonna cast my vote now...GO WINGS!!!
Today's Tidbit 10/17/2011
The Roar we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but the sound of blood surging through the veins of the ear.
Unless of course you're a bubleheaded beach blonde...in that case it's the wind blowing thru your other ear...cascading off the inside walls of your gloriously empty head...lampposts are brighter than you dear...if I gave you a necklace full of miniature seashells the echo of emptiness would be deafening you mental midget with mammory glands...a deck of cards has a higher IQ...you're the only dumbass @ the beach with your left ear in the water listening for seashells...your mental prowess is unheralded in the annals of ignorancy...when someone says 'null and void' you think they're talking about you and your twin...you probably shouldn't be allowed outside without a leash...you make Simple Simon seem like a rocket scientist!!!
Unless of course you're a bubleheaded beach blonde...in that case it's the wind blowing thru your other ear...cascading off the inside walls of your gloriously empty head...lampposts are brighter than you dear...if I gave you a necklace full of miniature seashells the echo of emptiness would be deafening you mental midget with mammory glands...a deck of cards has a higher IQ...you're the only dumbass @ the beach with your left ear in the water listening for seashells...your mental prowess is unheralded in the annals of ignorancy...when someone says 'null and void' you think they're talking about you and your twin...you probably shouldn't be allowed outside without a leash...you make Simple Simon seem like a rocket scientist!!!
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