The average ear of corn has 800 kernels arranged in 16 rows...
Well now...ain't we all agriculturally smarter...idk about you folks but I often spent countless sleepless nights wondering how many kernels an ear of corn had...and how many rows they were arranged in...who woulda thought all I had to do was ask the Guru's of Google and I coulda been nocturnally nurtured into a mind-numbing version of narcolepsy...I wonder...if...after yesterday's tidbit...the dumber than dirt derelicts who stumble close to stupid come up with this...(our friends @ the Federal Standards of Identity)...seems a bit like stereotyping to me...whats an ear of corn to do...if upon reaching maturity it becomes mobbed after midnight by a bunch of ravenous deer...before it can be harvested...during which it loses...say 30-40 kernels...does it hafta line up with the other half-wit hominy-oids...hop a ride to the horse-food factory...is somebody being employed by Dole or Del-Monte to weed out the un-average ears of corn...what if you have 799 full kernels and 1 runt of the litter...do you still qualify for 'average' status...and by average...do they mean every other ear of corn...because if it isn't split down the middle...50-50...ears with 800...ears without 800...then there isn't anything average about it...one side hasta come out above-average...and one hasta come out below average...on second thought...maybe the Federal Standards of Identity should get involved...if for no other reason than the loosely applied term...'average'...is a misnomer...averages are determined by adding all the variables and then dividing the sum by the set number of variables...and if that's the case...there are 3 variables needed to complete an 'average' assumption about ears of corn and kernel count...X= ears of corn with less than 800 kernels...Y= ears of corn without 800 kernels...and Z= ears of corn with exactly 800...and in order for there to be an 'average' moniker associated with an ear of corn...the formula would hafta indicate that X+Y=Z...highly doubtful considering the complexities of corn cropping...pesticides...animals feeding on them...drought...what the corn is being grown for...attention to detail by the farmer...not too mention that there is NOTHING average about something EXPECTED...take for instance the Detroit Lions...(I know...I'm relentless...I'm also bored...my team didn't make the playoffs)...there's nothing average about winning a Championship once every Mayan Long Count Calendar Cycle...it's more than expected...you may as well etch it in stone...the only way the Lions could even remotely come close to establishing an average is if they win it all this year...because the Mayan Calendar resets prior to next years Super Bowl...and it should be noted that each Mayan Long Count Calendar had approximately 394.3 solar years...which means??? There may not be a Lombardi Trophy in Detroit for several generations...daunting I know...but none-the-less...it remains a stark possibility...which unfortunately translates into several of you departing your earthly shells without ever having witnessed a Detroit Superbowl Victory...and that is disheartening isn't it...rest assured...thousands of like-minded individuals have gone before you bearing that same weight...personally I don't care if an ear of corn attains 'average' status...I have absolutely no desire to sit in the produce aisle while somebody counts the kernels on my ear of corn...by the time they find me enough 'average' ears...I'll have made it home and prepared something less time consuming for dinner...regardless of whether or not an ear of corn has 800 kernels or a mere 48...one thing remains indisputable...ALL corn kernels are undigestible...they go thru the human body much the same way Dubya went thru 2 terms as President...without a fuckin' clue as to what just happened...and how they ended up here...floating around in chocolate colored water with a buncha shit-for-brains for friends...I could just as easily say to you..."On average people with political aspirations are more corrupt than a hard drive with a Trojan virus"...would I be right...or WRONG...(was that too subtle of a hint...using BOLD type to indicate the correct response)...now some of you are shaking your head...what could be WRONG about that statement??? The misnomer's of course...'On average'...and 'people'...both are too general to be used correctly...the sentence in proper grammatically correct fashion should read..."Every single swamp-suckin...toadstool tastin...Cro-Magnon cast-off with a compunction for a career in politics is more twisted than a ternada in Texas durin a terbacky-spittin'...sister-swappin soiree"...here's an average for ya..."On average fucktards who can't fling a football for game-winning TD's last less than one-half of a full-length football game"...TEABAG TONY (that's officially my new pet name for the one previously known as HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED) is therefore an above average fucktard of the highest degree...followed closely by Circle Jerk Champion...Jerry JACK-OFF Jones...who should stand as a Pompously Poignant Pedestial Peckerhead of an example to all other MAJOR SPORTS TEAM OWNERS...you may have the money to buy the team...build a stadium...hire under-qualified employees to draft over-rated players...sign them to contracts so outrageous you make me wanna believify old Dipshit Dubya was actually one of our nation's greatest leaders...THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU A QUALIFIED GENERAL MANAGER...for Pete's sake stick to whatcha know and get your sorry ass back to countin kernels...maybe you oughtta get together with that other corn-fed...kernel countin...countrificational...crackle craniumed...clusterfuck...he used to own the Texas Rangers before subversively stealing the Presidency...you two twitterpated...testicle-saggin...sad-asses could host a morning Sportstalk show in Dallas...call it A DAILY DOSE OF DUMBASS & DIPSHIT!!! (I can't possibly hope to sympathize with LIONS fans...I haven't had to endure decades of disappointment...however I am familiar with the bitter shit tinged aftertaste of piss poor management and I can't for the life of me grasp the year-in...year-out faitful affiliation you embrace for your team...it's only been what...6 years I've had to watch TEABAG torture Cowboy Nation...if he's there another 2 years...I'll go down there and cripple him myself with an above average ear of corn...800 kernels be damned!!!)
