Isn't that odd...Egypt...considered to be a land mass occupied by some of the earliest known humans...forbids the killing of cats...or they did...quite some time ago...NOW I'm NOT one of those braniacs that soaks up information like a dry sponge in a thunderstorm...by any means...but it seems I recall hearing something about the evolution of migration among human beings that basically says that's where we all started...and as we started to become disenfranchised with each other we began to separate and travel...by foot...to other areas of land...until we finally came to a frozen ocean bridge and crossed onto a completely different land mass and soiled it's shores as well...that means that people who cook food in Chinee westawaunts...originally came from Egypt too...didn't they get the damn memo...those bastards serve cat daily...how did that happen anyway...leave Egypt...walk a couple thousand miles or more...settle down...start eating cat...pick up roots and head further east...cross a frozen land mass...and viola'...stop eating cat again...it's either a respected pet...or it's a food source...it can't be both...look around...ya don't see many pet cows do ya??? NO...that's because they're too damn tasty to stroke lovingly at the nape of the neck...why do ya think Buffalo herds were decimated in the olden days...they were tastier than cows and provided more food per animal than cattle did...cats however have NEVER looked tasty in my opinion...we've had several of them as pets when we were younger...and though NOT normally as violently playful as say a Pit Bull or Rottweiler...they can be trained to attack under the right conditions...and believe me...if you piss off the wrong cat...it's like spendin a week in a feminist club during the wrong time of the month...you're likely to get your head separated from your body like some praying mantis prodigy...you're better off avoiding such contact when possible...when unavoidable it is best to skirt around the offended feline at a distance greater than extended claw range...IDK what those damn Egyptians were thinkin' anyway...cats aren't like cows in Calcutta...they aren't worshipped like some demi-god...NOT that I agree with the unnecessary killing of animals that should serve as pets...but let's be realistic...if you let these things run around un-spayed or without being neutered...you're just askin' for more westawaunts than you can shake a stick at...we'll be flooded with cat and pigeon cuisine...I know...I know...you don't believe they use pigeons...ask yourself what is on that stick being advertised as Teriyaki chicken...chicken doesn't look like that...skinned rat does...pigeon parts can also look remarkably like chicken on a stick...smarter advertising is the only thing these establishments have going for them...if they toldja what you were actually eating half the population of China wouldn't even touch it...I have a cat right now...Simba...he's an orange tiger striped tabby cat...he's a mongrel cat if I ever saw one...I think he lives in a couple of different houses as a matter of fact...he often comes home for periods of five minutes...just to say HI...then out the door he goes...off doin what cats do...NOTHIN'...I look at that little bastard sometimes and wonder if he's thinkin' what his eyes are conveyin'..."Hey dumbass...how's life kickin' you in the balls...cuz I'll tell ya what...I've got it made...you idiots feed me...so I don't hafta hunt and fend for myself...I get to come and go as I please...SEX...SLEEP...and EAT...that's all I do...and you morons think you're the smarter race...ya haven't figured out how to live without money yet tho have ya...by the way...I could use a fresh flush at the old water trough...gettin' kinda thirsty and that's the coldest water in town"...Yeah really...that's what I think the little f**ker is sayin' to me every time he looks my way...that's why I mess with him constantly...I'll wait til he is all nice and comfy...sprawled out sleepin on my side of the bed and I'll leap high into the air...land on the opposite side of the bed and send his little ass to Airborne school...paybacks bitch...ya don't carry that kinda attitude around here without payin' a price...here recently he has grown fond of laying at my feet while I am busy working on the computer...a perfect spot to dribble a little water on him while he takes his afternoon nap...and don't feel bad for this pet of mine...we have a reciprocal relationship...he waits until I get laid down for bed and am just about to fall into deep REM before he pounces on my chest and begins meowing until I get up and let him out...and he does it on purpose...if I try to boot him out the door before I go to bed he goes and cries by the window until I let him back in...he hasta be in here long enough to watch me fall asleep before he takes action...so ya see...he deserves the wee bit of torture I subject him to...I'm thinkin' of havin' him stuffed...NOT sure when...might be sooner than he thinks if he keeps givin me cattitude...have a great day folks...enjoy basking in the warm glow of flourescent lighting...while you're cat is home slumbering in the sun!!!
Monday, June 4, 2012
In...3...2...1...WE'RE BACK!!!
In Tennessee it’s illegal for a female to drive a motor vehicle unless there is a man on the hood with a shotgun, which is used to shoot off rounds of ammunition to alert oncoming drivers there is a woman at the wheel...
Because apparently the Big 3 have decided in their infinite wisdom to eliminate the horn feature from all vehicles sold in the great state of CANYASEE...or maybe it's because their women are so PURRRRTY...hair in rollers...30 kids in the backseat from 18 different fathers...that shiny one toothed grin...gleaming like the rusty grill of a long forgotten Cadillac...that beautiful tent dress billowing out the driver's side window...as they bombard their way down the highway...legs and arms of southern fried spawn flailing out of every available orifice on the car...that poor bastard isn't warning oncoming traffic...he's hopin' like hell she will hit somethin' big and put him out of his misery...why do you think they make moonshine in the Tennessee hills...it's so they can cope with these creatures that Bigfoot Hunters can't seem to find with a flashlight and some well placed..."I'mman idiot lost in the woods at night"...howls...I swear...who the hell is in charge at these places of ill refute...like the Tennessee State Senate...you make a guy carry a loaded gun...on the hood of a car...being driven by a woman...and you want him to keep the business end pointed towards the road??? Where the hell didja come up with that one...didn't put a lotta thought behind passin' that little law didja their dildos...I mean are you serious right now...I've ridden in cars with women before...it's not a pleasant adventure...especially if they are stuck in traffic...and the moon is full...if ya get my meaning...HOLY SH*T BATMAN...I'd rather swim in a pool full of razors for half an hour before rinsing off in a shark tank...I hate to say it ladies...but there are times your gender should be subject to house arrest...like every 28 days or so...for 7 to 10 days...MINIMUM...don't gimme that..."I'm not a menstrual monster"...bullshit either...just because you can stand yourself...doesn't mean the rest of us enjoy tolerating those tantrums that quiet the cacophony of a 2 year old in full turmoil...I mean I get the whole equal rights thing...but there are some among you who shouldn't be employed in certain fields...such as law enforcement...where your crazy one week a month ass gets to carry a loaded weapon...it's NOT fair to the rest of us...we're used to looking at disgruntled postal workers...I have a feelin' that any man riding on the hood of a vehicle in Tennessee...with a loaded shotgun...blastin' off rounds...is tryin to STOP the beatin' in his head from the headache caused by a combination of grain alcohol...and 2 and a half dozen screamin' kids that didn't spring from his loins...it has little to do with her ability to drive...that's why man built 4X4 vehicles...so women could just press the gas...and hope like hell they could get to where they were going without much effort in the shape of steering...why do you think the smart men join the military...so they can surround themselves with bigger vehicles that most women aren't allowed to drive yet...we're scared to death of sharing the roadways with you...(and before any of you start saying..."Hold on...one damn second here...women are safer drivers than men")...let me inform you that there are several residents of the Northern Michigan area...or who were present in this vicinity last weekend...(including much younger...and therefore faster...male relatives)...who will testify that my Momma has a lead foot with a 2 ton steel plate attached to the bottom...I don't wanna say she drove over the speed limit...but bullet trains don't travel that fast across Japan...there are still a few uprooted trees and overturned flower pots near a couple of cemeteries in the surrounding area...she did however refrain from committing self inflicted...bug swatting amnesia...so all in all it was a great weekend...we didn't have any toofless hillbillies hood huntin' heifers up here...which is probably a good thing...because these guys up here are always on the lookout for the next great huntin' idea...and the last thing we need in this neck of the woods is more alcohol related huntin' activities...I think a better idea would be to build women their own roads...then you can all zig zag in and out of traffic with your make-up kits out...blue tooth in...Starbucks coffee cup propped on the dashboard...chit chattin' and gettin' ready for work...while the rest of us get safely from one destination to another without having to honk our horns or drive over pedestrians to avoid runnin' into your safe drivin' selves...who wants to take a trip to Tennessee this weekend and make a few civil arrests??? Any takers??? Buncha party-poopers...off to work with ya then...have a great MONDAY MOANIN'!!!
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