03/07/12

The toilet on the space shuttle has a footrest, handholds, a seatbelt and a suction fan...

WHAT???  No 12 billion dollar pen chained to the crapper so they can leave each other lovely little cave drawings...a footrest, handholds...a seatbelt and a suction fan...who knew taking a shit in zero gravity was such a massive undertaking...good lord...I've been constipated before but seldom to the point I would need to utilize a footrest, handholds, a seatbelt and a suction fan...where pray tell does the suction fan eject this poop projectile...into outer space???  I think these engineers are overly obssessed with finding proof of those elusive Black Holes...I get the need for a suction fan...it keeps shit from floating around the shuttle...but what about those poor bastards who have spent their whole lives peeing from a position perpendicular to the potty...whadda they have some sorta automatic milking machine apparatus to keep the urine from misting all over the monitors for Mission Control...and how does this suction fan work...it must create a vacuum when the individual in question pops a squat...otherwise you'd have a commode that slightly resembles a Whack-a-Mole machine at the County Carnival...little brown bastards bouncin around waitin to be beaten back into their hole...so one would hafta assume that the suction is immediate and of an unforgiving nature at the moment of evacuatory exercises...so how much suction is used???  Just enough to leave a hickey on the hiney???  Who guinea pigged this idea???  It sure wasn't any of the Apollo Astronauts...you remember those fella's...the ones who rocketed from earth in an overcrowded capsule...void of any restroom facilities...landed on the lunar surface...conducted several missions over a number of days...and NEVER once found it necessary to relieve themselves...maybe spraying liquified fecal matter all over outer space is the sole reason so many abductees seem to fall back to earth after being fingered...the aliens visiting us are trying to determine who is responsible for these outer space anal offerings...because here's the thing...altho I've NEVER been on a space shuttle...I grew up in a house with 4 other people...and lemme assure you...had we been subjected to using a single toilet without the accompanying sewer capacity required...I woulda been shittin' out in the back yard by Day 2...so unless they have a sewage station floating around that they can dock up to and evacuate their caca compartment accordingly...that shit is floating around somewhere outside the atmosphere...and what about the boys...the berries just below the branch...whaddaya do with those puppies when ya gotta poo...can't just leave them danglin' down there by that suction fan...you might be singin' in a different octave once you find the off button...this little suction shitter is probably one of the reasons we elected to mothball the shuttle program...we're waiting to see what the Russians come up with...like Depends Diapers...simple enough solution...and less costly over the length of the program...sit and shit...then switch your Soilies for some new ones...or here's a novel notion...you're in outer space...zero gravity...right???  Wouldn't it make more sense to mount the caca catcher upside down on the ceiling???  I mean far be it from me to point out the obvious...but that's where I woulda started...and I don't even have a degree in engineering...it doesn't take a rocket scientist to determine that since everything floats in a general upward direction...perhaps the porcelain pedestal needs to be placed in a more appropriate position...I mean holy cow...if ya took that much time designing a comfortable yet confining commode...I can't wait to see the shower...that thing damn near hasta suck the skin right off your skeleton in order to keep your upright walkin ass from drowning in a puddle of your own putrid waste water...and I'll bet they NEVER even thought of using wet wipes for this little task...I'll never...for the life of me...understand the internal thought processes they incorporate when tackling the simplest of situations...let's see...we need a footrest here...some handolds there...throw in a seatbelt for security...and a suction fan for removal of rectal refuse...there...now that we've grossly overrun our projected budget...let's cut some corners and superglue giant blocks of foam down here on the bottom of the shuttle where it comes into contact with the outer atmosphere...it should be fine...a few more sparks upon re-entry but otherwise...as solid as any paper mache project...if you look at NASA's history they don't have a very good track record...lost a coupla capsules early on...followed by a shuttle or two...NOT to mention the lives of those onboard...which makes me wonder...How in the hell did they ever get volunteers???  Missions accomplished have a slight advantage over the ones that failed...I mean these guys fly space ships much the same way I'd imagine a Sasquatch skips boulders across swamp water...without much success...every once in awhile they surprise themselves and all those lookin' on...NOT the best advertising campaign for wannabe astronauts...I mean as much as I would love the opportunity to escape the gravitational forces of earth for an outpost in space...given the half-assed hooligans in charge down there in Texas...I think I'll wait on the Annunaki...because the last thing I wanna hafta utter while sittin' on the shitter during a suction fan malfunction is...'Hey...Houston...we have a problem!!!'

03/06/12

During the time of Peter the Great, any Russian man who wore a beard was required to pay a special tax...

That's odd...I wasn't around during Peter the Great's time...but as far back as I can remember in Russian History...which isn't far...because believe it or not...I think the only thing that saved that country during WWII was...(Ooooh ME...PICK ME...I KNOW THIS ONE)...The USA...and the enormous population they have...which kept them in it long enough for us to draw Hitler's attention away from building strip malls in Siberia...so I hafta admit...I really haven't given a shit about studying Russia's History...I will however say that from what I've seen of them...in those stellar black and white photos in the National Geographic archives...were I Russian...at anytime in it's history...and a lawmaker...I'd be more apt to consider strongly recommending a tax on the women who wore beards...mustaches...unibrows...I mean do you remember Nikita Kruschev...that old lady was as ugly as they come...and she ran the country disguised as a man for how long???  I'm guessin' men with beards during Peter the Greats time...were just trying to fit in with the rest of the population...I mean it would be rather embarassing to be seen walking down the road with your 12 year old bearded daughter... while you're clean shaven and lookin' the fairer of the two...she'll make some beet farmer a nice wife someday...talk about huntin' for Bigfoot in all the wrong places...those idiots on Finding Bigfoot need to make a trip over to this hidden little continent and start DNA testing some of these missing links... good lord...they must bathe like cats...sit around pickin' stuff outta each others fur like a buncha bug infested primates...I mean seriously...how hard can it be...okay...I know...they are still recovering from the effects of hundreds of years under Communist control...but even back then...share a razor...scrub a piece of sandpaper smooth...pluck it with your teeth...do somethin'...ya can't let them run around like that...it's bad for tourism...NOBODY wants to visit a place where the only thing seperating the men from the women is a skirt...because believe me...that ain't attractive neither...you can't paint a purrty picture of hairy female legs...NOT even on a horse...ya know...the Spartans had a cliff they threw their impure infants off of...and an enormous Black Hole surrounded by bricks...that they kicked unwanted or unworthy individuals down...we had Molokai...and now Cuba...where we send individuals we deem unworthy or unwanted by the global society...and we won't even mention who used what in which European countries less than a century ago...and yet the Russians...those brilliant pioneers of pencils in space...let their women run around untaxed and unshaven...I mean the next thing ya know...little Penelope is gonna be starring in a customer service commercial...'Hello...dis is Peggy...how may I 'elp ju?'...bet you'll be one proud papa then...you and the...Mrs...is it???  (Shakes head in acknowledgement)...Good...you and the...eh...eh...Mrs...can go out and celebrate...free Schick Super Squatch Samurai Sharp Seven blade razors for the whole family...a life time of Nair for young Natalie...start using it on her before her 7th birthday and maybe her balls won't drop...whatever you decide...STOP bitching that you're broke if you're gonna keep birthing hairballs...I will say this tho...since the beheading of that bitch...Communism...some sections of the former Soviet Union have embraced sexuality and have charged into the modern era...to say they are without beauty would be untrue...Pamela Anderson is of Russian descent...Mila Kunis...from That '70's Show...also of Russian heritage...so...as you can see...once the 'Iron Curtain' crumpled like the coffee cans it was made from... alot of these women decided come hell or highwater they were going to stand out from the other carpet backed behemoths their ancestry was known for...and they shaved...(according to certain undocumented photographic evidence...it would appear certain individuals from that former Communist Country...consider shaving to be childsplay...and the only hair you'll find on them anywhere is above the eyes...like on top of their heads...the rest is as anatomically barren as a Barbie Doll...or so I've heard)...we need a tax like that here in America...NOT on female facial hair...altho...if you currently have it...don't worry...NOBODY's watching you chew your toenails at lunch either...we need one on stupid people...I don't mean people born with a legitimate learning disability...I mean just plain...fell under the turnip truck which resulted in smarter vegetables falling off of the turnip truck... stoooooo...pid...you know the type...like the ones who decide...right smack dab in the middle of tax season...to UPGRADE their TAX SOFTWARE...(we won't mention any names...but their website is www.irs.gov) ...these people are worse than tyrants like Peter the beard taxing Great...they ought to be included in the phrase...'all enemies foreign and domestic'...I need this organization like i need to suffer an anal wart infected with Elephantitis...what I wouldn't do for a simple beard tax these days...I'd shave down to the skull out of spite...it'd be a helluvalot less hair raising than what we have now!!!