Shit Chute Surprise!!!

If you passed gas consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb...

Yeah...well you're forgettin' one thing there...OH pilot of the poop chute...asshole replacement surgery hasn't been approved yet...that's why some people require colostomy bags...like you for instance...since it seems to have escaped your logical thought processor...that anything capable of passing gas on a consistent and constant gas...would undoubtedly exhaust all such pockets of methane mutation in less than an hour...ending up like a deflated balloon tryin to float down the hallway...you're also dismissing the simple fact that gas passing is an art form...and comes in a wide range of available sizes, sounds, smells and unfortunately at the most inopportune times...my family members have got to be the only non-Mexican immigrants capable of clearing a small tropical rain forest in a single afternoon...buncha bubble-gutted...gas-passin'...ass-fans we are...(I know you think I'm kiddin'...I'll have video footage here in a few weeks...I've taken enough blame for their foul smellin'...after dinner...anal drippings...good lord...the cacophony of caca calls is embarrassing to say the least...and they have NO penchant for protecting the unsuspecting public...they'll just let that silent steamer roll up from the netherlands...destroying nostril hair and eyebrows along it's way...you'd swear some of them sharted along the way...every time they pass by you get a faint whiff of what wasn't on your dinner plate...half the time you can't even keep your food down...it's like raw sushi and sewage...and you can always tell when they're gonna let it flow...they get that look on their face...like...hmm...wonder if anyone will notice this...(RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIP)...and then before ya know it...somebody breaks into a version of their own version of a Josh Turner tune..."There's a long brown stain...runnin' down your thigh...don't look now...I think I'm gonna die!"...we may NOT be able to replicate the energy of an atomic bomb over the course of Memorial Weekend...but I'll bet we could sure scare the hell out of a few Kamikaze's...it's kinda crazy when ya think about it...somebody actually took enough scientific measurements of humans passing gas and formulated a theory on how long it would take to reproduce atomic bomb level energy...and 6 years and 9 months is what they came up with...pretty f**kin' happy this dipshit wasn't in charge of the Department of Defense...we'd all be speakin' Samurai right about now...and suckin' down Sake'...you know what else you can do in 6 years and 9 months...NOTHING...haven't you paid attention...it takes us 10 years to complete a 6 week project...I mean seriously...who needs a bomb when you can't find the damn target...take 13 years and build 2 bombs...maybe we'll have a use for them by then...if you passed gas constantly for more than a day...you'd look like a sundried raisin...wrinkled up and lifeless...your brain would dry up and shitty ideas would tumble from your ass like dominoes...and seriously...what kind of idiot leaves a problem like this unresolved...every math teacher I've ever had would shoot themselves dead if I didn't simplify this equation to it's barest form...it would seem that if it took one person 6 years and 9 months of continuous anal flapping to achieve nuclear fusion like energy...that it would take 2 people 3 years and 4.5 months to accomplish the same feat...if we continue to duplicate this procedure we find that 4 people can achieve this feat in...ANYBODY...NO...okay...4 people = a time frame of 1 year, 8.25 months...which means 8 people can do it in...10.125 months...16 people = 5.0625 months...32 people = 2.53125 months...64 people = 1.265 months...128 people = roughly 18 days...256 people = 9 days...512 ass flappers = 4.5 days...and so and so on...basically what it boils down to is this if ya had a few thousand people standin' around passin' gas for a minute...you probably wouldn't need a match...keep in mind...that this equation only applies to natural born citizens...illegal aliens from south of the Texas border...use a different scale...and drastically tilt the numbers in a more favorable...human to atomic fart ratio...depending on what type of burro meat was in the tamales that day...you might only need juan of these siesta takin' sombrero sportin'...burrito beaters...the fact of the matter is...comparisons such as these are often misguided bits of misinformation...if this IDIOT had spent half as much time stayin awake in class...as he obviously did measuring the flatulence of his frat brothers on drunken nights when the nerds had nothing else to do...we wouldn't be having this discussion right now...and this brings me to the main point of this entry...PARENTS...I CANNOT stress to you enough...if your KID is a solid 'C' student in highschool...DON'T spend your life savings on further education procedures...it is far less expensive and significantly easier to train them to retrieve grocery carts and bag cabbage...MONEY doesn't ALWAYS equal INTELLECT...you can't fix STUPID with a personal CHECK...otherwise little Charlie wouldn't be sittin over there in the corner chewin' on a piece of raw cowhide...droolin all over his shoes...you CREATED it...you CONTAIN it...and please...KEEP them from spillin' their seed...it's apparently contaminating the sewers...and infecting homeless prostitutes...because the problem seems to be escalating...I mean...why have a Silly Season...if ya can't shoot DIPSHITS!!!

Do You Feel Rucky Plunk...Well...Do Ya???

Officials in the Philippines requested a copy of Dirty Harry to use as a training film for their police...

For real...somethin' tells me I'd be alot less intimidated by a 4'-6" Filipino gunslinger...seriously..I know what you’re thinking: "Did he fire six shots, or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I’ve kinda lost track myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: "Do I feel lucky?" Well do ya, punk?...just wouldn't sound the same bein' screamed from the lungs of a pissed off little peckerhead from the Philippines...see the problem is...INTIMIDATION...usually comes with size...this isn't always the case...but 9 times out of 10...tonnage rules...that's why bigger trucks demolish smaller cars...blah...blah...blah...yadda...yadda...yadda...it's not a new invention...these idiots using a Dirty Harry movie to train their police...is like teasin' midgets with tales of Jack in the Beanstalk...you know deep down inside it isn't gonna matter...they're NEVER gonna get taller...but in a cruel way...it can be fun to watch...kinda like seein' a buncha skinny little 30lb brown skinned good Samaritans tryin' to hold up a hand cannon that weighs twice as much as they do...maybe it had NOTHIN' to do with the gun Harry used...historically and theologically midgets use slingshots to slay giants...or so I've heard...and I must confess...I've tangled with a few people shorter than me with negative results, so there are exceptions to the rule...so perhaps it was for the employment of facial expressionism...because as we all know...NOBODY can pull off the Dirty Harry pose quite like Clint...and I can't imagine what a buncha Filipino lookin' Lilliputian Police runnin' around tryin' to pull off that squinty eyed...come f**k with my day...gaze...I think I'd start lookin' for the ghost of Allen Funt...and hidden cameras...not too mention the ROFLMAO...deep...hearty...belly laugh and subsequent snot and tears streamin' down my face...can ya just picture it...they'd yell..."FREEZE PLUNK"...and I'd hear..."Follow the Yellow Brick Road"...it's bound to cause problems...and before ya know it...YOURS TRULY...is starring in his own episode of Locked Up Abroad...10 hours later...after escaping custody...by wading thru a shitload of screamin' meanies...asshole deep...and swimming to safety...hitching a ride with a passing pod of tuna hunting dolphins...landing on the shores of southern Mexico...having to tan for 10 months just to get into America legally by any underground tunnel system...I'll finally get to tell millions of people what a tragic experience I endured...how horrible the conditions were...the cells being to short for me to fit inside...which led to them try and torture transfer me...on some kinda twisted bamboo baton death march...to a larger facility on the far side of the island...it should be a huge hit...especially when I reveal that they stripped me of my clothes during the process...every chachi lovin' Korean will wanna take a look at that...I'll be an International Stupid Star...caught on film laughin my ass off at a buncha wanna be cowboy cops...that can't figure out if they wanna watch Clint's next movie or star in it...I mean what were these guys thinkin'...Dirty Harry drove a 1968 Ford Galaxie 500...and he took up the entire driver's seat...ya know how many...Little People Police...you could fit in one of these big ass metal monsters...you'd only need 2 cars for the entire police force...don't get me wrong...I'm sure some of these people are...VERRY CRAFTY...EVERRYBODY VERRY CRAFTY...probably have some sort of Brazilian Street Fighting/UFC/Wing Chun Kung Fu/Decapitization move that would render me useless...but in a gunfight...the worst that can happen is I get kneecapped with a headshot...this is one of those tidbits I could play with for hours...there's just way too much humor here...I mean considering that the Philippines are loosely associated with prostitution...or lovely ladies who just want to go...'to land of BEEG PX'...one could easily assume that hearing dirty...hairy...and Filipino in the same sentence was a reference to te website of an unshaven...naughty...Filipino floosie...I mean it's a stretch...but then again you probably haven't been to the Philippines or known someone that was stationed there...which brings me to another point...somewhat off topic from the title of the tidbit...but WHY is prostitution ILLEGAL???  If paying for sex is a sin...married men are 10 times guiltier than any JOHN...everything they do is a cleverly disguised pussy plan...(sorry fellas...secrets out)...I know...I know...you think I'm kiddin'...if you're married...look around your house...neat and tidy...right???  He helps out by keepin' the yard looked after...and the garbage taken out...that's what we do...if we can't watch TV when we're inside...why be inside...take a little ladies vacation...leave a few hidden cameras behind...see what kinda heathen you're living with...trust me...WE are entirely different creatures when left to our own devices...if you're expected to be gone for 7 days...NOT a DAMN thing will get done around the house until the 6th day...if your husband cleans each and every day you're gone...there's a little more than a skeleton in that closet over there...if ya know whaddam sayin'...don't be fooled...we all wanna sport the Dirty Harry snarl...quietly and confidently striking fear into the hearts of our foes...truth is most of us even watch a little dirty porn every now and then...NO...NOT while you're lookin'...unless you're into that type of thing...in which case my cell phone # 999 555 1212...please send ratable photos...NOT airbrushed photo shop bullshit either...I can tell...and by dirty porn I don't mean graphic hermaphrodite midget mud wrestlin'...that shits for those Brokeback Mountain Boys...keep it the hell away from me...if you're watchin' that shit you either need to pull the plastic bag tighter around your head...or pull a Carradine Collar down around your neck and do a little danglin' dance...you sick puppies...I know there's a gutter...but there's a sewer below it...keep your standards up...and NOW...like most of you have become accustomed to...comes the moment when we must bid each other such sweet sorrow...until we meet again...SMELL YA TOMORROW!!!   Happy Humpday!!!