02/09/12

There is a particle called tackyon which is supposed to go faster than light. This means if you fire a beam of tackyon it travels before you fire it...

Ladies and Gentlemen...please welcome back to the stage...our 3 time triple champion here on Jeopardy...Phil the pill popping physics professor...you may recall the last time Phil was on our show he selected the category...Studies in Science and remarkably got every last question completely wrong...the only reason he is here with us is because his opposing competitors were former class skipping-nap takers and somehow knew less about trivia than Dubya did about diggin holes in the desert...let's correct something first...the proper spelling of the word is 'tachyon'...and it is a hypothetical subatomic particle...much like the authors intelligence...non-existant except when supposing situations of superior cognitive thinking...let's say for arguments sake that tachyons are possible...(I won't bother reciting the laws of physics it's mere existence would violate...I don't pretend to understand them...neither should you)...before you concern yourself with building a device capable of firing off a tachyon beam...don'tcha think you might wanna invest a few moments to engineer...design...and build yourself some sort of RADAR that can capture the accurate velocity of this faster than light anomaly...that way dumb ass you can successfully engineer...design...and build a contraption capable of emitting said tachyon beam...because with...or without the laws of physics...one thing remains certain...NOTHING travels before you fire it...I'll bet your Aunt Tar-tar's favorite turnip ain't cha boy...if any type of projectile were capable of travelling before it was fired you wouldn't need to sneak up on shit or use a silencer...I love it when these lab rat losers get together and 'hypothesize' about shit like this...how backwards ass retarded can you be???  LIGHT is the fastest thing we can measure given our level of technology and understanding of the universe...all devices used to measure differing speeds of particulate matter are derived with this principle in mind...and therefore are only useful for capturing sub-luminal speeds...NOT to be confused with subliminal speeds...which according to the statement above leads me to believe...wouldn't work on you anyway...the only thing that moves slower than your internal thought processor is the 'hypothetical' time stopping tunnel possibly located at the center of our galaxy...I'm just stupified that they haven't gone so far as to conduct imaginary studies to determine if the almighty faster than light...sub-atomic particle tachyon...possibly the smallest known 'hypothetical' particle known to man...(excluding Dubya's Dust Collecting Mega-Dome)...has the Mercurial speed necessary to escape the confines of a black hole...the only thing I know of in existence that could even be concievably debated to be faster than the speed of light...is a moment of pure inception within a logical sane mind...an idea...it's instantaneous...that's why it is depicted as a lightbulb going off in cartoon illustrations...that was the closest an artists conception could come to relating comparative speeds...ya notice they didn't draw a snail slithering thru superglue to get the point across...I can just picture it...a labratory full of the worlds leading scientific minds...all gathered around the ground-breaking...or should I say lightspeed shattering...gadget at one end of the room...the least intelligent among them is sent to the opposite end of the tachyon beam blasting barn...there are sychronized countdown clocks on the walls above both ends...Standards of procedure dictate the first attempt to fire a tachyon beam will result in the digital display expiring to 00:00...at 00:03 the lone lab rat with leftover tuna salad sandwich on his shirt yells out..."IT'S ALREADY HERE...YOU FIRED TOO LATE"...the countdown clocks are reset to 00:30...and round and round we go...where we stop nobody knows...buncha buttersquash brainiacs standing around scratchin their heads wonderin what to do next...that's where it ends...I swear sometimes it would just be easier if these idiots had LED readouts of their hypothesis' scrolling across their foreheads...gather them all up in an auditorium...let them take a chair and relax...everytime something flashed across their foreheads I could give a good old fasioned Roman Emporer hand signal...thumbs up...you've got a winner...you're excused to go conduct further research...come back with your conclusions and solid evidence to back it up...thumbs down...you get to sit up front...put your Dunce Cap back on dipshit...you're in Theoretical Timeout...3 shitty ideas in a row and they get salt poured in their eyes...NOT too much...just enough to sting...keep them busy for awhile...I can only handle so much STUPID in one sitting...this moron reminds me of the French Health Minister who just this week made a statement offering advice to France's homeless people regarding Europe's frigid ice snap...'Stay inside'...that's right folks...a country's HEALTH MINISTER advises against going 'out in the cold' if you happen to be homeless...so I don't see why any of us should expect anything lucid and logical from the infinitesimal idea integraters in the scientific community...I looked up tachyon...Googlized it...brought up the first result spit out by the search engine gods...Wikipedia...I didn't even hafta read the article in it's entirety...NOPE...all I had to do was scan the blue highlighted letters...and that alone told me all I needed to know about the study of tachyons...the one sentence that stuck out like a pecker at a porn palace...'Some of these authors incorrectly concluded that excitations of a "field with imaginary mass" would propogate faster than light'...REALLY???  I had an imaginary friend once when I was younger...followed me around like a f**kin shadow...he musta suffered from extreme excitations...I couldn't seem to shake the bastard even at bedtime...when it was dark...sonofabitch musta been using tachyon powder in his pajama's...it all makes sense now...I sent him down to Shaniqua's house one day and NEVER saw him again...I guess NOTHING can escape a black hole...except maybe future gangbangers with baggy clothing...if there's a special circle in hell reserved for stereotyping I think I just got offered the key...truthfully tho I am probably the least racist person you'll ever meet...I abhor ignorance with equal enthusiasm regardless of the skin tone embodying it...I can hold court with Kings one day...and appear in court with criminals the next...what I can't do is spend a tachyon of time in the company of empty headed heretics who haven't a clue as to the proper procedure required to postulate a 'hypothesis' regarding distance travelled divided by time taken of a particle NOT yet proven to exist...I mean holy shit people...Pinnochio has more common sense than these scuba diving sewer swimmers...and he was made out of WOOD!!!

02/08/12

Fable writer Aesop married & divorced at least 50 women including his daughter, his sister, and his own mother...

I don't know in what order he married these women...however if he wed his mother first and had a daughter...wouldn't she also be his sister...who knew the birthplace of polygamy was the Pantheon...I had NO idea the Greeks invented Mormonism...Platter Day Saints...(Plato's Prophets)...or perhaps it was the Mesopotamians who migrated to Missouri and began America's own Interstate to Incest...those crazy Greecians anyway...odd what was considered acceptable in the ancient days of Aesop's Adventures...it's NO wonder the guy is credited with so many moral containg fables...I'd think being around that many women in one lifetime would provide a guy with more than enough material to carry on a monologue for a few millenia...I can't possibly imagine what the moral to this multitude of marriages was back in the day...but I know what it would be if it occured in the here and now...Masturbate...it's cheaper than all that alimony and child support...I'd explain it to ya but I'm all out of puppets and crayons...(I actually stole that from a friends facebook post...had to use it)...Do you have any idea how much money that would cost on a monthly basis???  50 seperate alimony payments...not too mention child support...good lord...I'm surprised he didn't have a medical condition named after him...Aesop's Elbow...similar to Tennis Elbow...resulting from signing all those support checks...and scribbling down tall tales in your spare time to sell off and help with the financial woes of womanizing...I mean I suppose I could wrap my head around it if it were 50 unrelated women...but your mother...daughter...and sister...what the hell were you thinking...I'm NO different than the next man when it comes to evaluating the possibility of a sexual escapade with a member of the fairer sex...but come on...NOT even if that thing was plated in platinum...studded with diamonds...and capable of singing me to sleep when the effort had been exhausted would I ever consider sharing a bed with a female member of my immediate family...I don't care if she was some sort of morphed mega model the best of both Megan Fox and Jessica Alba...we ain't seein each other nekkid...NOT even if you offered me my own redneck series on one of my favorite stations...Cockfishin for Crocodiles Sunday mornin on Animal Planet...ain't happenin...love them all dearly...and from a distance...of at least 2 layers of external coverings...preferably Turtleneck MuuMuu Sweaters...and a double down-stuffed XXL Super Size snowmobile suit...50 women...that's alotta afternoons aspirating the after effects of your adventures with early morning alcohol/aspirin concoctions...married and divorced 50 different times...sounds like Ol' One Eyed Pericles the Peloponnese Pocket Puppet wasn't happy pokin around in just one playhouse...coulda made a small fortune as a poster boy for prophylactics just down the road in Troy...course the horse...as well as the condom company...probably didn't arrive on scene til much later...what I wanna know is...how does your name...Aesop...become synonymous with moral revealing fables...it sounds to me like you couldn't locate a moral if it crawled so far up your ass you coughed on it...kinda funny isn't it...how damn near every significant historically identifiable individual is somehow associated with the exact opposite for which they are known...this is why most historically documented 'facts' are erroneous...History...is NOTHING more than His-Story...it is passed on from generation to generation...things are 'forgotten'...memories misplaced...endeavors of enlightenment are embellished...atrocities downplayed...His-Story changes everytime a new reader opens it pages...I find it hard to believe he married and divorced that many women...let's say Aesop got married...for the first time at the age of 20...if he spent a year or less with each reported wife...he would have been 70 at the ceremony for his last wedding...what would be the purpose of punishing yourself further...it's NOT like there's a whole lotta...ass on tap...for the Almost Octogenarian Age...even if there was...whaddaya gonna use...a coupla popscicle sticks and tape to prop that old playhouse puppet up with...because I'm pretty sure that at 70 that soldier isn't gonna stand at attentiona and salute anymore...not without the aid of Viagra...which isn't gonna be available for a few thousand years yet...I'd have no problem believing he slept with 50 women...it was ancient Greece...communal bathhouses...Toga's...and wine...wine everyone...have some wine...take off your towels...Toga's...I meant toga's...hot tubs down the hall to the right...orgies on the left...grapes...wine...and mediterranean marbled manna for everyone...hell 50 women a year was probably an obtainable number...but to marry and divorce 50 women...1 at a time...NOT even a judge likes to be in court that damn much...it wouldn't make sense...think about it ladies...if you were #25 on some guys laundry list of love...are you naive enough to believe...'Oh, he's a changed man...he told me I'm the one'...only if you've been bleaching your hair with peroxide since puberty you parrothead...chances are the minute you hear Ol' Aesop rattle off 24 reasons his past marriages failed you're not even gonna ask for a horse and buggy...you'll be elbow to asshole hightailing it out of there...NOBODIES self esteem could reach levels so low that after # 49 gets kicked to the curb they're thinkin...'ME...OH ME...RIGHT HERE...AESOP...AESOP...PICK ME...I'M THE ONE WHO CAN FINALLY MAKE YOU HAPPY'...Puh-lease...altho I don't encourage acts of incest...I am quite honestly ecstatic about the evidence that presents itself from the information pertaining to Aesops appetites with his mother...daughter...and sister...Hillbillyin' didn't start in the foothills of the Appalachians...it can apparently be traced all the way back to Archidamians like Aesop...damn story tellin' sister f**ker had us all fooled there for a minute...and what's the moral to this story class...it's one that has stood the test of time...You Can't Judge a Book by It's Cover...and covers as I'm sure you all know by now...provide do 2 things...they dress up the dull and mundane...and make you feel warm and cozy...they seldom have anything to do with the underling plot...Caveat Emptor!!!