The Yellow Pages accidentally listed a Texas funeral home under frozen foods...
Presumably because it's so f**kin hot in Texas they hafta put your carcass in a cooler the minute you collapse to keep ya from stain'in up the sidewalk with a nice molten puddle of putrid flesh...I don't see how this was even possible...what was the name of the Funeral Home...or it's motto...Stouffer's Mortuary...you kill 'em...we chill 'em...or maybe it was...Dubya's Den of Death...I'll bore 'em...you store 'em...I just can't believe you could mistake the name of a company that deals with dead people...for a frozen food company...then again I guess it is possible to misunderstand the meaning of a name or a phrase...Disney on Ice...now has two seperate meanings...an escapades show on skates...and a dead body cryogenically frozen for the future...because...HEY...everyone wants to live forever...even when they're dead...but seriously...do you know how abysmally...and morbidly...stifling it is in Texas??? People die in that state when the power goes out for more than 15 minutes...normally in a stampede towards the open refrigerator door for some ghetto fabulous air-conditioning...I've been to Texas...in December...when it's a frigid 85 degrees at night...why do you think that great Charlie Daniels hit is titled...The Devil Went Down To Georgia...because it's too f**kin' HOT in Texas for even the devil to stick around...personally I'm probably les confused about this than I let on...it isn't hard to imagine how a mistake of this magnitude could be made...funeral homes in Texas don't use hearses to transport the dead from one location to another...why??? BECAUSE...it's TOO DAMN HOT...now sit up straight and pay attention...there could be a quiz on this come Friday...take notes...they don't use hearses to transport the dead because of the heat...drivng a hearse in West Texas heat with a decomposing body neatly tucked in the coffin keeper behind the driver's head...requires a vehicle equippped with...AIR CONDITIONING...every vehicle owner in the state rides around with the air-conditioning unit on...and there isn't a single one of them that wants to get out of their nice cool vehicle...for any reason...least of all to play pall bearer for a dearly departed friend or family member...(now believe me...I know most of you are thinkin'...WTF does that hafta do with a funeral home in Texas being listed under the Frozen Food business heading...settle down...lemme finish)...SO...in order to perform a funeral properly... you need the body...in it's casket...placed in the grave...preferably in a timely and professional manner...NOW believe it or NOT...the Journal of Scientific Bullshit has just recently published an article about...Relative Stupidity and How it Affects Humans...in which it basically describes how ignorance is contagious amongst inbred...political puppets and all the people they come in contact with...it used the state of Texas as a case study for this experiment...and the results were quite shocking...were any of you aware that the average IQ of a person living in Texas...PTDA...(that's...Prior To Dubya's Arrival)...was considered 10-15% above the national average...all of these individuals...as well as their offspring...and the other people that move or visit there have suffered tragically in the area of IQ percentages...anybody living in the state...ATUAoD...(pronounced...AH-TOO-WAD...and standing for After The Untimely Arrival of Dipshit)...the median IQ of a Texas resident ATUAoD is...cucumber...that's right folks...those people down there are dumber than a dung beetle peekin' up an elephant's ass for a glimpse at the future...it's a domino effect...whoever comes in contact with BELB...(Big-Ear Little Brain)...instantly becomes dumber...the people they come in contact with become dumber...etc...etc...etc...it's because of the after effects of ATUAoD that Texas residents are easier to fool...and at a funeral you will hafta fool them into getting out of their nice cool as a cucmber vehicle to help you get the decaying flesh bag of a family member out of your damn car before it runs out of gas...the air-conditioning unit shuts off...and you end up passin' out from the raw sewage smell seepin out of the slumber chamberin the back of the wagon...so you can't show up in a hearse or they will know it's you...but if ya play you're cards right and show up at the gravesite...say between high noon...and 2pm...drivin' a big ass truck that looks like the Schwann's man got lost...those silly little pickle headed bastards will jump out of their cars and line up to buy ice cream...open the back doors and let them bear their pall to the point of internment...ya can't help it if one of them works at the publishing company that prints the Yellow Pages...it might NOT be their fault they have this condition...they coould've been born with the side effects of ATUAoD already present...old BELB has been screwin' up the state of Texas...longer than he ever shit on the rest of us...if ou are ever in or near Texas...some of the early warning signs associated with individuals succumbing to ATUAoD are...abnormal facial expressions in conjunction with ignorant comments NOBODY in their right mind would believe...the incessant urge to search for items of a specific nature in areas where they couldn't possibly exist...and last but NOT least the immediate ability to create multifantastical articulationaryisms that every poppy pickin'...Calcutta Call Service Center employee studies to learn good english...Allo...my name eez...Ahchthuwahd...that's AAHAWK THUH WAD...not to bee meestaken for ATUAoD...Ow may I jelp you??? You ever run across these 7/11 Sheik-a-Bob's...Oh Allo...Ow are ju. my friend...I gotta sneaky suspicion...'my friend'...has a whole different meaning over in cow worshippin' country...I've tried to translate it myself...in a number of different languages...Hindu...Sanskrit...Pakistani...you name it...and wouldn't ya know...the term...'my friend'...means the same damn thing in every one of those languages...loosely translated it means...queet makeeng fun of my cousin ju filthy infidel...it eesn't her fault that she leest Friar Feesh Fun(f)eral(l) Home under Frozen Food section...that or it means...'I'll schneeeek eento jor owse and sleeeeet jor throat smiley jack'...I haven't figured out quite which one...but regardless it means more...'F**k you and the frozen funeral food you flew in with'...then it does 'Hey let's have a beer and catch up for a minute...I'm on a five minute break before my next flight...gimme a double scotch...3 shots of tequila and a rum chaser'...keep in mind...ya hafta be some kinda maniacal genius with severe episodic outbursts of rage from momentary lapses in OCD procedures to come up with conspiracy theories like this...that or it could be the onset of early Alzheimer's...my favorite mental disease...see I'm a card carrying medical marijuana patient...that means I already know what Alzheimer's is gonna be like...and you people are in for a BIG SURPIRSE...your mind will make up shit like this so fast our fingers can't keep up with the words sometimes...course for you folks it will be because of your age...for me it's because I NEVER took a typing class and can still punch out 500 words a day...typists will get that joke...others still don't know how we got here from frozen food and funeral homes...neither do I...Medical Marijuana patient...DING...DING...DING...I mean c'mon... haven't ya heard our advertisements...The Alzheimer's Association and the Medicinal Marijana Foundation are proud sponsors of...um...I forget!!!
