12/30/11

The only flying saucer launch pad in the world is located in St. Paul, Alberta, Canada...

Well now that's nice to know...glad our friends to the North have the only existing launch pad for flying saucers...it should come in very useful for their National Space Program...what is it called...Oh that's right they don't have a Space Agency worth mentioning...a launch pad for a flying saucer indeed...more than likely St. Paul...in Alberta Canada is home to the world's largest skeet throwing device...or the world's largest frisbee flinger...either that or Canada is responsible for the whole U.F.O. epidemic...part of their master plan for world domination...dupe all other countries into believing extra-terrestial lifeforms have been coming to our planet...abducting the feeble minded...country bumpkins on every continent...subjecting those poor souls to probings and torture...then releasing them back into the public so they could tell Sally-Jo...and Billy-Bob 'bout them big grey headed aliens and their flyin' saucers...have ya ever noticed that these U.F.O.'s...they kinda take on the progressive nature of other things on our planet...like automobiles...airplanes...trains...mass transit devices in other words...funny when you look back throughout history...recent history at least...depictions of U.F.O.'s in the '50's and '60's included...bright...shiny...gleaming...saucer shaped vehicles...and now-a-days...U.F.O.'s are described as massive triangular shaped objects...with but a few visible exterior lights...outlining an otherwise undetectable...undefineable...flying apparatus...kinda goes hand-in-hand with Hollywoods ever-changing visionary concepts of the future of our little planet...don't it???  Maybe I'm wrong...we'd hafta ask a few Canadian citizens...but just maybe this flying saucer launchpad is a joint operation between our two governments...we maintain...and control access to Area 51...and once we figure out how to unleash the flying saucer(s) we have warehoused there...we'll dismantle them...ship them to Alberta Canada...and the Canadians will finally get to use their much anticipated launch pad...doubtful...but hey...when it comes to crazy ass ideas...it's all too possible...personally I would like to know more about this launch pad...what was used to build it???  Being that there isn't any publically visible evidence that saucers can indeed fly...who is the genius behind it's design???  One would be safe in assuming that it isn't like an airport runway...since saucers wouldn't use tires as a method of motion...it wouldn't be anything similar to the launch facilities of Kennedy Space Center...since saucers aren't shuttle shaped...so what would this thing look like???  A giant slingshot is my best guess...or maybe a catapult...something that uses an external power source...since every U.F.O. sighting...as well as every abduction...that's ever been investigated has NEVER yielded even trace amounts of a fuel source...NO vapor trails...NO burn marks on planetary objects...where they have been witnessed actually landing...NO evidence that they incoporate any of the methods of propulsion that we ourselves have achieved...anti-gravity...fossil fuel systems capable of directional travel are all we are familiar with...magnetic propulsion systems are coming of age...but unless we're gonna start building railroad tracks all over the universe...that isn't gonna fulfill the need for interplanetary space travel...NOR is a Canadian launch pad for flying saucers...those north of the border Neandrathals...who builds something they can't use???  You'll notice the automobile didn't come along until AFTER the wheel...airports weren't built until flight NOT only became possible...but financially feasible as a method of transportaion...where do they get off assuming they have the prophetic foresight to envision a future full of flying saucers in need of a launch pad...or are they hoping that any extra-terrestial tourists visiting our quadrant of the galaxy will take note that they are the sole proprietors of planet Earth's only launch pad designed specifically for their arrival...hell even the ancient Egyptians were smart enough to realize that even if they were able to comandeer a spaceship they wouldn't be able to understand the dynamics of flight...they abandoned any half-ass bonehead ideas about launching themselves into the heavens and stuck to what they knew...erecting pyramids...a phenomenon still debated over to this day...all sorts of ideas abound as to what they are...and why they were built...WELL...DUH...I just explained it to ya...they had no aspirations of obtaining the knowledge needed to master flight...the automobile was still centuries away...so basically the pyramids are our planets first failed space program...a multi-faceted stairway to the stars...hell even ancient artifacts depict flying machines with WINGS...a necessary component to adjusting flight paths accordingly...the only effective FLYING SAUCERS known to exist are manufactured in enormous quantity by the world reknown toy tycoon...WHAM-O...they've been sold in five and dimes for over 6 decades...and even they require an external power source...and without years upon years of perfecting manipulation...this device is incapable of altering it's flight path once released...it is at the mercy and whim of it's launcher...as well as external forces such as wind...trees...neighbors roofs...hell even a woman scorned can't...in her fits of fury...launch a similar object...the family dinner plates...with any hope of pinpoint accuracy...instead relying on the spray and pray method...hoping against all odds that if enough saucer shaped objects are launched during the ensuing rampage...one might connect with the target of choice resulting in the desired effect...I knew there was a reason...beyond frigid weather conditions that I didn't like our neighbors to the north...I think the air is a little thin up in that treeless tundra...these oxygen deprived...dingleberry dipshits are Canada's version of the Detroit Lions fanbase...building a new stadium...complete with trophy case...and for what???  We'll colonize Mars...shuttle back and forth to Saturn for sun-bathing tourist traps...and I'll have grandkids on Nimbus 3 before either the Canadians realize their flying saucer launch pad is as useless as a rudderless boat in a whirlpool...or the Detroit Lions advance thru the Galatial playoffs...winning the Milky Way Division and advance to the UniverseBowl...winning the Tiberius Trophy...named after Capt. James T. Kirk of the U.S.S. Enterprise...who's outer atmospheric explorations were accurately described in the annals of Hollywood Holographic History Department!!!

12/29/11

In New Mexico, over 11,000 people have visited a tortilla chip that appeared to have the face of Jesus burned into it...

C'mon...this is to easy...I shouldn't hafta begin to tell ya just how ridiculous 11,000 people have been...these dipshits are obviously living proof that my theory yesterday holds some water...they hafta be direct descendants of the Aztec/Missouri migrants...of the one-shoe...sister-sharing variety...seriously I hope NONE of you shelled out hard earned money to go visit a tortilla chip with an image of Jesus burned into it...how absolutely brilliantly stupid do you hafta be...tortilla chips...in layman's terms...are nothing more than soft taco shells...cut into little triangles...and fried in oil...then dried...I could teach an inbred...two-headed...siamese toad how to make a tortilla chip with an image burned into it...cpwboys did it to cattle back in the day to signify ownership of dumb beef-bearing animals...I'm pretty sure I could brand tortilla chips...soft taco shells...burrito shells...all Mexican things made with flour...with any image I wanted...hell I dropped a deuce once that resembled a giant Hershey's Kiss...didn't see me advertising it to the general public didja???  NO...and ya know why???  Because I hardly enjoy entertaining the kinds of..."Well, I'll be dipped and shit and hung out to dry at a fly farm"...Milk-Dud munchin'...midget-minded morons that would be sure to occupy my every waking moment with requests to document the aforementioned Mudd-Butt Mountain of chocolate I deposited last Tuesday while contemplating the possibility I had just seen the image of Santa Claus in the glob of butter melting on top of my shortstack of pancakes at breakfast...buncha damn peanut-filled...pinata heads...the half-genius shyster who came up with this holistic of all tortilla chips missed a golden opportunity to increase his capital net worth...he shoulda went a step further...dipped it in salsa and expanded the claim by also noting that it appeared to cry rivers of medium hot blood...I can't believe 11,000 people are so ignorantly educated they would even explore the idea of undertaking an adventure that amounts to a tortilla touching tourist trap...this tidbit makes me beg the question....WHERE do these people come from...and WHY can't we do a better job of keeping them locked up...I need to get into advertising and marketing while the fire is hot..."Face of Jesus Fajita Wraps"..."Body of Christ Burrito Shells"..."Virgin Mary Salsa Verde"..."Trinity Tortilla Chips"..."Holy Ghost Guacamole"..."Moses' Manna and Red Sea Refried Beans"..."Christ on a Cross Chili Con Carne"...and "Sabbatical Soft Tacos sprinkled with Apostlistic Asiago"...I'd have at least 11,000 weekly shoppers...idiots from all four corners will flock to my big box grocery outlets..."Mary Magdalene's Market featuring St. Peter's Produce"...I'd bang my head against the wall but it'd still take me forever to lower myself to the level of these..."I seen Jesus at the drugstore"...derelicts...this is a perfect example of why scientific study...with regard to human...genetic engineering should be greeted with extreme caution...the last thing we need to do is compound the problem by cloning the corn-fed...cross-eyed...cum-droppings of the Southeastern Colonies...the Molokai of the Mainland...ya know...if ya stare at anything long enough...you're bound to see things the rest of us think are absolutely ludicrous...just this past summer I was out fishing on my favorite hidden lake...the weather was beautiful...sunny...about 78 degrees...clear blue sky...when all the sudden...outta nowhere a single giant cumulus cloud floated over head...in the shape of an oval...and I couldn't help but notice how much it resembled a perfect...almost pristine...Polar Bear egg...had I only had the foresight to whip out my smartphone...drop my fishing pole...and digitally record it's passing as it morphed into a White Corn Tortilla Chip Touting the likeness of Doubting Thomas from Tortega!!!  LMAO!!!