HOLY SNAKE OIL BATMAN...2 days in a row...information from the kiddie pool clown crew is startin' to look up...become more respectable in nature...I haven't been following the news...did any of you go on a retard rampage recently...start eradicating the empty between the ears entities among us??? I applaud you if you did...honorable efforts are always appreciated...but keep in mind...the title of this blog is What Would Kevin Say...NOT SIMON SAYS...and even if it was...I didn't say SIMON...anyway...onward and upward as they always say...yes...watchmakers used their own nose oil to lubricate tiny gears...I had to use my own nose oil half the time just to punch in at the last job I had...before finding self employment opportunities...of a legitimate nature I might add...our time clock required fingerprint identification in order to log us in or out...half the time it wouldn't read your fingerprints because your hands become dry while working with different objects...tiny gears do not require a puddle of lubricant...and a watchmaker's nose was more easily located than a small bottle of gear oil...but watchmakers are NOT alone in their use of bodily fluids here people...as discussed in yesterday's blog post...humans are disgusting creatures for the most part...and shepherds used to use spit as a lubricant...those of you with vivid imaginations may want to contain your breakfast in the bucket beneath your desks...I'm not gonna go into further detail on that one...if you find yourself in the precarious position of scratching your head in constant confusion over that little piece of information...try wading out past your ankles...trust me it gets deeper the further ya go...put your floaties on if you're that askairt...but get your ass wet...put it this way...even if you pee sittin' down you should be able to figure that one out...I'll give ya a little hint...it was BAAAAAAAAAA'D....MLB pitchers of the earl years used everything imaginable as lubricant for the ball they were throwing...sweat from the brow...and even from below...tobacco spit was often used to lubricate the gloves of the players...before it became taboo to chew in front of millions of redneck fans...what's next...NO ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES at NASCAR races...but that's a whole 'nuther story y'all pay attention...HEY...(split finger farmers whistle)...OVER HERE...they still use illegal substances to this day...anything to make their jobs easier...vaseline...pine tar...anything to give the ball a different spin...or break...boxers use slippery shit too...in an attempt to get the opponents gloves to glide off quicker and do less damage...imagine that...a brutal sport where you don't want to get hit...go play TENNIS ya buncha sissies...who else uses body fluids for lubricants...all of us do...especially those with kids...how many times have you used spit to settle down a bad case of bed head resulting from the inadvertent nap that was taken on the ride over...I know my Momma did...lady used to lick us like a llama before draggin' us off to church...showin' up for salvation with our spit crusted hairdo's...and don't have anything on your face...OMG...here comes that big wet thumb...LOL...I love these little memories...most people use the nearest water fountain...or bathroom faucet...NOT MY MOMMA...she knew what was best for ya...little saliva never hurt NOBODY...right as rain we were...probably the only set of spit shined siblings in the whole sanctuary...but HEY...we were there...that's all that mattered...I'm probably gonna get a nasty phone call or text over that one...those were the days...I'll tell ya what...butter cured burns...and spit solved cowlicks...look at us NOW...spending $10.00 on a box of burn relief cream...when butter is still under $5.00 a tub...lost are the fine arts of financial savings thru saliva type substitutes...family remedies have been tossed to the ages...and we're left with having to buy unnecessary items at abundantly higher prices...NOW IDK about the rest of you folks...but for me...today is Friday...and every Friday in the work place is like a promise of temporary freedom for the weekend...some of you may lead rather boring and mundane lives...notice I didn't actually say MARRIED...but yeah...anyway...others of you may enjoy the possibilities of a SINGLE lifestyle...and if that be the case for you...might I offer a bit of advice that should come in rather handy if you're lucky enough to find a partner to get randy with...SIMON SAYS...the best form of personal lubricant...IS & ALWAYS HAS BEEN...FOREPLAY!!!
Thursday, June 28, 2012
SHOULDA BOUGHT A KIRBY!!!
Each eyelash hosts a minimum of three hundred dust mites....
It's Thursday people...rise & shine...get your GO juice...shower...shave if ya hafta...wax if not...grab a bagel for breakfast...or a Blueberry Muffin..preferably with a 10" base and an assload of that crumbly tastee sh*t on top...this could be the first time I agree with someone in the assinine information department...300 would be an estimate at best...dust mites being microscopic in nature...unless of course the sun is shinin thru the window at the right angle and the whole room seems to be floating in...STUFF...having worked for the Kirby vacuum company for a couple of years...and being a very successful salesman while doing so...I can attest to the filthy disgusting living conditions of the human animal...PIGS wallow in less filth...you don't believe me...gimme 2 hours inside your house with one of these machines...and if you have the money...and the personal desire to rid yourself of the armpit deep pile of pollution you're currently living in...you'll buy that machine within 2 hours...less time if I know you have allergies...allergies I can probably sell you that machine in less than 15 minutes...it's cheaper and more effective than the shit your doctor's been prescribing to ya...allergies are created by dust...small particles of sh*t that get into your system when you breathe that your body can't fight against...if you have allergies...I have a $2,000.00 one time cure...beats the hell outta your current medical bills and prescription fees...and I'll even be kind enough to show you where and how to use the damn thing so that you get the best possible solution to your condition...NOW...just because I said I AGREE with the author doesn't mean that if you have allergies you need to go home and burn out your eye lashes...trust me...that's the least of your problems...your mattress on the other hand...has more dead flesh and dust mites in it than Carter has peanuts in his sh*t...the human body is constantly shedding dead skin cells...by the MILLIONS...on a daily basis...so in essence...when you're dusting the furniture and stuff in the house...that's you you're wiping off the TV screen...that's you you're dusting off the top of the curtains...that's you you're wiping off the knick knack shelves...and here's the kicker...we shed more of them at night...while we're asleep...and it settles into our mattresses...at the rate of about 10-12 lbs a year...so if you weigh 120 lbs and keep a mattress for 10 years...that's kinda long I know...but some people do...there will be 2 of YOU sleeping on that side of the bed...pay attention the next time you buy a new mattress...the old one is going to be twice as hard and heavy to carry as the new one...that's because the old one more than likely contains a full human body's worth of dead skin cells...makes ya wanna go curl up beneath the blankets don't it...me neither...I have a secret...wish I could tell ya...but I can't...if more than one person knows it goes from being a secret to a conspiracy...and there's enough of that sh*t goin' around already...hell if ya know any good ones send them to me...I'll be more than happy to do a little research and help spread the information if I think it's valid...but please...DON'T send me crap like...I think the world is gonna end this December when all the planets align with the Milky Way...GOOD for you...do us all a favor and DON'T VOTE in the upcoming election dumbass...since you don't believe you'll be around long enough to see the results take effect...my name's Kevin Wixson...that's W...I...X...S...O...N...put me in your will if ya have any nice sh*t and hate your relatives...but don't leave me your junk...I don't live in Vegas so I can't go get Rick from Pawn Stars to buy it...and chances are the guys from American Pickers aren't gonna stop by any time soon...just the good stuff...boats...cars...houses...Caribbean Get-away bungalows...you know...valuable jewels and commodities...you can keep the cash...stocks and bonds...there's probably gonna be so much panic and widespread fear anyway...that the market is gonna crash...especially if by some coincidence we have an Earth shifting situation...one small tremor off the coast of Japan or another Pacific or Indian Ocean island...and assholes will pucker on a global scale...Doomsday believers will go into immediate hysterics and begin jumping off of buildings...keep an eye towards the sky...but at least go search the bodies for profit...don't get left out in the cold...trust me...YOU won't be the only one doing it...I plan on being near a metropolitan area during that time just for that reason...I've learned from watching MODERN HISTORY on the national news shows...what happens in big cities when widespread panic conditions exist...SMART PEOPLE GET FREE SH*T...IDK about you but I'm tired of watchin...I'm getin' mine this time around...I know...some of you are thinking...but aren't you afraid of getting caught...NO...diversion tactics are another area of expertise of mine...while the cops are busy chasin' down the people that broke into the electronics building 2 blocks down the street...I plan on walking straight outta Wal-Mart with 2 carts full of sh*t...who's gonna be there to stop me...ANCIENT ARCHIE...the toothless door greeter...Bitch please...ya know...sometimes I wonder...do these little trips through Kevin's medicine cabinet really bring grins to the chins of those who follow daily...I mean...one hasta wonder how we started off with dust mites in eye lashes...ran thru two shows on the History Channel and ended up discussing Doomsday believers...and what my unethical endeavors are as far as plans during those rare moments when the 99% unite in small pockets of rebellious behavior...because it's all dirty work folks...sometimes ya gotta be willing to roll up your sleeves and do your part to clean up after yourselves as well as after others...I'm offering 2 separate services here...one to help people on an individual basis...the other to help society and the general population...DON'T sit there and Judge me...I'm creating job security...there's less supply and more demand through my actions...hell that alone would create more jobs than the last three Presidential terms of Office combined...and you were gonna criticize me...are you serious...you know my intentions...although vastly subject to personal preference...are always aimed at helping the communities we all live in...but seriously folks...ya gotta pick your moments...RISE to the occasion...if nothing else buy a Kirby and suck your dead flesh fungus from the place you flop your earthly shell every night...at least that way you'll wake up healthy and clean the DAY AFTER THE WORLD DON'T DIE!!!
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