THE TWO UTES...THE TWO WHAT???

In Utah, pharmacists may not sell gunpowder to cure headaches...

I didn't even know they sold gunpowder in Utah...but I could see where it might come in handy...what is Utah famous for???  That's right class...POLYGAMY...at least one sided polygamy anyway...Mormon men are permitted to marry as many women as they want without question...yeah...yeah...I know what you're gonna say...they don't do that anymore...BULLSHIT...that's like saying politicians are forbidden to LIE...you cannot simply flip and on and off switch and make things stop happening...the Mormons...much like politicians...wait...aren't they the same thing in the upcoming election...anyway...both classifications of assbag inhibitors are guilty of the same thing...covert and cleverly disguised operations...they haven't stopped marrying in multiplicity...they've just figured out new ways to distract your attention to other things so you don't notice it anymore...I've NEVER seen a problem with the POLYGAMIST life style...we...as HUMANS...represent the top of the Animal Kingdom on this planet...and like every other animal in the Kingdom...save for a few solidarity sexual partner pairings...it is in our nature to fornicate and multiply...with as many members of the opposite sex as possible...it promotes CONTINUITY of our species and race...however it does pose some problems for those that partake...such as ENORMOUS headaches...created by the NEVER ending presence of ESTROGEN spewing females...who ever said they were made from Sugar and Spice...I think they heard it wrong...Drama and Strife is more like it...I'm thinkin' the gunpowder was not taken orally...it was used for its intended purpose which was to manufacture BULLETS...which are a sure fire way to rid oneself of a headache...I mean can you imagine...all those wives under one roof...gotta be like havin' all of your wisdom teeth erupting in unison...excruciatingly painful and unpleasant to deal with...make ya wanna rip both sides of your face off and use the CASTAWAY method of tooth removal...a nice sharp skate blade and a rock for a hammer...ANYTHING to make it all go away...cuz they don't have CALGON for men...real men anyway...I'll bet before this little law was passed there were plenty of mysterious deaths up there in the old Mormon Mansion state of Utah...probably hundreds of unsolved murders from back in the day when the husband got tired of making hay...ya know...I don't mean to point out the obvious...well yes I do...that's why we all show up here anyway...isn't it...to discover things about the levels of ignorance man is capable of...that's what I thought...what do pharmacists do???  They hand out MEDICINE...what is gunpowder NOT classified as...MEDICINALLY USEFUL...kinda makes ya wonder what's goin on up there at Brigham Young University doesn't it...gunpowder has been around for centuries...eons and eons...the Chinese used it to manufacture fireworks...objects that EXPLODED when the chemical composition of the gunpowder was altered or ignited...is that somethin' you think might wanna whip up in a milkshake to cure a medical malady...I didn't think so...listen if you hafta make LAWS prohibiting the use of gunpowder in medicine...you have BIGGER problems...and they lie in the EDUCATION sector...somethin' ya might wanna think about when castin' your vote this fall...NOT that I give a flyin f**k at a rollin' doughnut which MAGNIFICENT MISTAKE you cast our vote for...it always amazes me to hear the HEATED political debates brought up by my friends and family...what does history do class???  IT REPEATS ITSELF WITHOUT PREJUDICE...this includes POLITICS...you hafta view Presidential elections like you would VIRGINITY...once you have been F**KED...you cannot UNF**K yourself and become a VIRGIN again...the position of POTUS is the most overpaid position associated with CONTINUAL FAILURE...ya know how ya fix a country once it becomes a calamity...you INVADE it...which unfortunately we cannot do to ourselves...Have a Great Weekend...I got baseball games to watch!!!

FORE!!!

B.F. Goodrich experimented with making radioactive golf balls, so you could find a ball in the rough with a Geiger counter...

Hmmmm...hmmmm...hmmmm...I'm not sure if my assessment yesterday was correct...perhaps there is a way to differentiate between varying degrees of STUPIDITY...but then again...would it matter...Momma always said...'Stupid is as Stupid does'...why didn't they ever make a sequel to that movie...MADD...(Marijuana-induced ADD...my apologies)...I could really use a Dagwood right now...like the kind from the comic strips...too huge to eat...anyway...where were we...oh yeah...I'm gonna go out on a limb here and make some undocumented claims here to support my theory that this was a bad idea...if in fact it did occur...for one WTF is a tire company doing messin around in the golf ball manufacturing industry...ya don't see the guys over at Titleist dickin' around with making tires now do ya...and for damn good reason...can ya imagine how damn small a car would hafta be to rid on tires the size of golf balls...stick to tires and hockey pucks you idiots...you're here for one reason and one reason only...to make the most replaceable part in the automotive industry...cheap bastards...they all make tires that can run while flat for long distances...but they won't make one that runs for life...they're like doctors...they give ya enough to keep ya comin' back for more...now here's why this STUPID concept of a radioactive golf ball...doesn't hold water...one it's RADIOACTIVE...potentially lethal to humans and other habitat...has been since the invention of the term applied to this scientific process and chemical reaction...I won't get into the neutrons, protons and isotopes that are involved...I don't want anyone goin' crossed eyed on me during my little rant through the golf/tire world...aside from being radioactive...do you know how difficult it is to carry a golf bag for an entire 18 holes...NOW...couple that with carrying a Geiger counter and the necessary clothing to play under those conditions...and ya start to paint a pretty vivid picture of how NOT to improve a game...that or ya could employ ROMO for 9+ years...man am I happy the YANKEES & TIGERS are still playing baseball...sidetracked again...but did anybody else watch those games last night...Girardi pinch hits Raul Ibanez in the bottom of the 9th...for Alex Rodriguez...with the Yanks trailin 2-1...RAUL ties it on a solo shot to right field...has to stay in the game...and comes to the plate again in the bottom of the 12th...to blast another solo shot to DEEP right field clinching the win...B-E-A UTIFUL...then I thought the Tigers were a cinch...leading 3-1 in the bottom of the 9th...3 outs from moving on to the ALCS...Valverde on the mound...that's a lock right...apparently not they lost 4-3 before Valverde even got his arm warm...okay so back to the topic at hand...damn glad I didn't make my sammich yet...I probably woulda passed out by now...ya can't go playin' golf or any other game with RADIOACTIVE equipment...this should be evident to anyone in the scientific field...which one would be safe in assuming the development teams at B.F. Goodrich had on the payroll...how do I know this you ask...because RUBBER doesn't come from the tree round and ready to have tread cut into it...WAKE UP...it's THURSDAY...ya still have one more of these to wade through before I release you for the weekend...here's the OTHER reason it would NEVER have worked...have ya ever played GOLF???  Great game really...and when played at the professional level it promotes patience and integrity as well as sportsmanship...however when played at the amateur hack level without a handicap cuz they don't make numbers that high crowd...like the rest of us are familiar with...the game of GOLF takes on a whole different aura...it promotes IMPATIENCE...HUMILIATION and RIDICULE...and that's why I love it...the people behind you seldom have the patience for you to take a Mulligan on a bad shot that immediately heads in a direction that crosses three adjacent fairways...let alone wait for DUMBASS to get all gussied up in Geiger counter garb to find your stray GOLF ball...one of thre things will happen...A.)  You will drop a replacement ball and play on in order to avoid being called anymore choice names by the crowd behind you...B.) Someone in the crowd behind you will decide to play through and crack off a Drive...or C.) Everybody in the group behind you will begin wasting golf balls just to try and hit your ignorant ass and make you move on...one thing is for certain...they are NOT going to come help you find your lost ball...ya know what I do with tree hunting golf balls...(that's what I actually call my golf balls that head straight for the trees...ignorant little bastards...that wasn't where I was aiming...if they can't get it right the first time what f**kin good are they...they're obviously defective)...I leave them right where they are...I don't care if they are standing there in the forest waving at me to come get them...I NEVER use them again...I know...ya think I'm kiddin'...I'm really NOT...ask anyone that has ever golfed with me...when they go retrieve my ball because I'm too stubborn to do it...I launch it deeper into the woods or drop it in the first pond I come to...waste of money you say...matter of perspective I say...if I view them as defective equipment it helps me rest easier at night thinking all I did was improve my overall game...NOW if it were only that easy in Dallas...that smug faced phallic symbol of stupidity actually plays better GOLF than FOOTBALL...maybe if the pigskin was RADIOACTIVE he could hit his wide open targets with greater accuracy...if NOTHING else we could locate the balls that sail into the HANDS of the enemy and TACKLE them...but I suppose that is too much to ask...and with that folks...it be feedin' time...I have a mind numbing...masticating case of the MUNCHIES!!!