The outdoor temperature can be estimated to within a few degrees by the chirps of a cricket. Count the number of chirps in a 15 second period & add 37 to the total...This formula, however, only works in warm weather...
Seriously...this has got to be the absolute dumbest SOB walkin' our planet...this formula has so many flaws...if I followed it I could just as easily guess the temperature of the sun...if this method of meteorology worked we wouldn't need brain dead weathermen...there wouldn't be the need for a Fahrenheit or Celsius scale...I have yet to hear The Weather Channel give it's 5 day forecast using this formula...'It's gonna be unseasonably warm this afternoon...record temperatures are possible in some areas...over on the East Coast some locations have already reached 85 degrees Jiminy'...I shouldn't hafta tell ya why this won't work...but I'm gonna...because that's why you're here...taking time outta your busy day...to further educate yourselves...it has been my personal observance that crickets are NOT solitary creatures...they're like inbred idiots...if you stumble across one...you can rest assured...there are others close by...and how does this effect the integrity of our tidbit...its quite simple actually...crickets chirp for a reason...and contrary to the popular beliefs of a few unilluminati of the insect world...it isn't to predict present day weather patterns...it's to communicate with other CRICKETS...when one chirps...others chirp...whether it be outta the desire to respond...or just shear boredom...the fact remains that a single cricket chirp solicits similar chirps from other members of it's classification...and that compounds the weather predicting problem...because unless each cricket's chirp is individually recognizable...like the fingerprint of a human...and you happen to be the only bi-pedal being on this planet whose ears are finely attuned to identifying which chirp came from which cricket...your ass has about as much chance of estimating the outdoor temperature as an agoraphobic ingrown asshair...I find it absolutely amazing that the author felt compelled to include that final sentence in his attempt to appear academically equivalent to a hibernating hat rack...this formula, however, only works in warm weather...you mean to tell me that in all your infinite wisdom there... Wethead of the Weather World...you couldn't get a cluster of crickets to chirp in climates colder than a well digger's ass...perhaps remedial reading of Arthur Conan Doyle works is in order...brush up on your Sherlockian Sleuth seeking symposiums...I prefer to use my own warped way of predicting current weather patterns outside my domicile...first and foremost I employ the awesome power of eyesight...now I know that isn't available to everybody...(but unless somebody is reading this to them...they're gonna be left outta the loop...I have NO intention of blogging this in braille...technology hasn't yet made a screen capable of creating the necessary bumps...dings...dashes...and dots)...however, I myself have trouble at times tuning in my eyesight when unintentionally awakened...so the second article I use from my arsenal is what I like to call the Naked Man Meter...but I only use that in those rare instances when I haven't yet had my first cup of coffee...here's how they both operate...we'll do the eyesight method first...I look out an available opening...any window will suffice...if it appears sunny outside...I see people sittin' on their front porch...sweatin' like Richard Simmons at an All You Can Eat Sugar Shack...it's gonna be a scorcher...dress lightly...stay in the shade...if I happen to glance outside said window and it is overcast...I hear the clap of thunder...and lightning flashes across the sky...there's more water falling off my roof than Niagara Falls during a flood...I find myself believing the chance of rain stands somewhere in the neighborhood of 99%...on the other hand...if I look outside and it seems that my depth perception and ability to deftly determine the definition of adjacent buildings and structures...the alley seems filled with miniature Eskimoes slinging sleds over their shoulders...heading to the nearest snow covered section of slanted terrain...I feel comfortable guessing that winter is upon us...and there will be NO exterior excursions this evening...thankfully my children have attained the age of being allowed to legally operate a vehicle...otherwise I'd starve...(stop laughin'...I'm serious)... NOW we'll tackle the Naked Man Meter...or if you prefer politically correct color commentary...I should probably dub it...Naked Man Meater...and it is somewhat simpler to use than the eyesight method...however it does take a little more time...jump up outta bed...run outside...buck nekkid...with nothin' but your hair on...don't mind the neighbors...whadda they know anyway...standin' there listenin for a cricket choir to give them some clue...stand there for 17 seconds...this is imperative...cheating will only provide false readings with regards to the weather...after 17 seconds if I hafta seperate my sac from the side of my thigh...like some crackhead who's having complications mastering the inner workings of Cling Wrap...I've NO doubt the air is hot...dry...and humid...shorts are in order...and possibly some thigh dry powder...if after 17 seconds I find myself wetter than a sponge at the bottom of the sea...all indications signal I won't be needing to soil the shower stall anytime soon...I feel well within my rights to proclaim the possibility of pouring down rain...and finally...if after the 17 seconds required by ritual...my feet are frozen to the footsteps of my back porch...my physical appearance transforms into some sorta 2 tittied...diamond cuttin' transvestite...and the twig and berries look more like a squirrel stockpiling for a shitty season...it is emphatically evident that Old Man Winter has paid us a visit...now I know there are some of you...primarily of the female persuasion...who are at this very moment saying to yourselves...(But Kevin...what about us...how are we to tell the weather...we wouldn't know crickets from crocodilian contraceptives...please...for the love of all things weather wise...HELP US!!!)...Have NO fear...I haven't forgotten the feminine faithful who follow my eventful episodes thru daily life...I have something in store for you as well...and believe it or NOT...it will work for all upright inidividuals with an 8th grade education...if you are really...truly...seriously and honestly looking for the latest in temperature prediciting platforms...I hear mercury filled thermometers are on the RISE!!!
