And those are the lucky ones...the current world birth rate is approximately 1 new birth every 4.2 seconds...that means there are roughly...20,571 new born babies delivered every day...around the world...the other 20,559 will grow up wishing they had been handed to somebody else...this aspect will become apparent right around the time they transition thru puberty and into the NEVER ending world of instantaneous knowledge...little peckerheaded...potty mouthed...prodigies that wear their pants puddled around their ankles...this is an interesting FACT...and it may be beneficial to you under certain circumstances...especially if you are the ghost white...pasty faced...red head of the clan...and everyone else looks like they came from a tropical location near the equator...chances are you were one of 12 that particular day...you may have been the fastest swimmer to flow thru a fallopian tube on the day of conception...however the simpleton that saw you into this world obviously suffers from...Salmonitis... you know...that inherent ability to appear as tho they are constantly swimming upstream...f**kin' idiots that NEVER seem to figure out the path easiest traveled is the one that offers the least resistance...I don't get it...one would think this should be a very simple process...however...having had several experiences with hospitals and medical facilities myself...I can assure you that altho there is often a sufficient power supply...the lights aren't always on with these people...I have absolutely NO doubt that more then one expectant mother has shown up at an Emergency Room...or hospital...on the verge of giving birth...only to be asked...'Is there something we can do for you today...what seems to be bothering you?'...and that's because the people working in these facilities do NOT get outside enough...lack of oxygen affects the brain...I'm really NOT surprised by this little morsel of mistaken identity procedures...propagated by various medical facilities...in this day and age...most of the younger generation that have chosen professional career paths in operational medicine...got their degrees on GOOGLE and YOUTUBE...and as anybody that knows me can attest...I DO NOT do hospitals...as a general rule for maintaining good health...ask a local Centurion how they managed to live for 100 years...each one of them will tell you the same thing...they stayed AWAY from doctors...you hafta remember folks...the practice of medicine sprang from the minds of con artists...back in great-great-great grandma's day...they sold snake oil and toad stool...as CURE-ALL remedies for everything from a simple scratch to a gunshot wound to the head...and people were anxious to try this stuff...because they were too damn ignorant to listen to the generation before them about the proper herbs and concoctions that could heal the human body...now I'm sure I'll hear an earful from my sister Kelly on this subject...(shhh...don't tell anyone but she is like some big shot nurse/medical expert/smartest chick I know/personal call center for my own aches and pains/questions/comments and concerns...and has worked at some of the most prestigious hospitals and clinics in the country...you could say she was a Senatorial Sac Assistant at one time)...so she is very familiar with being in close proximity to the Wind Tunnel Wizards of both the medicinal field as well as the political field...how she has done it for this long is beyond me...I'd be a dungeon dwellin'...cinnamon stick scratch and sniff champion...agoraphobe by now...it's gotta be like workin' in a constant hurricane...with an occasional tornado tossed in for good measure...but seriously folks...you know your ass is in trouble when you walk into a medical facility suffering from an allergic reaction...that has caused your entire body to swell up like the Michelin Man...eyes so puffy ya can't see where you're walkin'...fingers the size of full blown Twinkies...and the first thing the nurse says as she slides open the window is..."Here...we're gonna need you to fill out this paperwork before we get started."...it gets even worse when they finally call for an Ambulance...and the happy go lucky...part-time paramedic...wannabe stock car driver shows up with an anxious...excited..."f**k me this is fabulous I get to drive fast"...smile on his face and the first thing he asks is..."Do we have authority to use the paddles on him?"..."WHOA there COWBOY...I'm still coherent here...let's NOT go brandin' the cattle before we have them corralled...it'd be a real bitch to hafta cowpunch you in the pecker there pahdnuh"...UNBELIEVABLE...but that's what ya get when ya live in the anal cavity of America...(come on...look at the shape of the state of Michigan...it looks like a big...toilet paper covered hand...reaching for a turd)...and that's just one of many horror stories involving my urgent trips to determine if they know WTF they're doin'...these hypocrites are the most stereotypical bunch on Earth...don't show up there with a serious medical condition...especially if it's abdominal in nature...and you are in your mid 20's to early 30's...you hafta endure the most ridiculous accusations you've EVER heard for 3 days before they finally decide to try and save your life and keep themselves out of a lawsuit...Apparently the symptoms of a ruptured Appendix or an incredibly large gall stone are easily misidentified and associated with drug overdose...or withdrawal from drug abuse...I can't count how many times they tox screened my blood...while simultaneously injecting me with large doses of Demerol...until that quit working and they had to switch over to morphine...looking for what kind of DRUGS I was on...when that finally failed they took X-Rays...or tried to...as it was damn near impossible for me to release myself from the perma-fetal...turtle shell position I found most comfortable...it wasn't until they subjected me to an ultrasound...(and who knows why they had to waste all that money...I tried tellin' the lady I was anatomically incorrect for there to be the presence of a living being sharing my mortal shell)...eventually they found the problem...some 2 or 3 days later...and performed...EMERGENCY SURGERY...because by then...AFTER repeatedly CONFESSING to them that the ONLY other drug present in my system might be MJ...I was one sick puppy...whacked out on a morphine drip...unable to contain solid food in any way...shape...or form...therefore it became a NECESSITY to operate IMMEDIATELY...it's like their ears are plugged with afterbirth...half of them think a fallopian tube is something you use with a HOOKAH...so losing 12 babies a day...seems more like a SUCCESS STORY...than a useless fact...IDK...maybe it's just me that has the dumb luck with doctors...because I didn't have much success out in North Dakota either...hop on one foot into the ER in that nifty little nugget of NO MANS LAND...dressed in shorts during a blizzard...hanging your left foot in the air because the pinkie toe has become entirely and extremely disassociated with the entity of the foot it is normally attached to...and is now hanging by NOTHING more than a thread of flesh...plop it onto the ER nurses desk and watch the little fella dangle...back and forth...in and out of view...like it's playin' Hide & Seek with your ass behind the ball of your foot...just to have the bright-eyed...very attentive nurse say..."What brings you to the Emergency Room today?"..."Notta f**kin' thing...it was a little cold out in the parking lot...and I got tired of trying to operate the clutch in my truck...is there somebody here with an IQ higher than my rectal temperature that I might speak with?" The attending physician was just an intelligent when he finally appeared...looking like I had interrupted a Mid-Afternoon Affair of a coitus nature he was having with his left hand...took one look at my foot and said..."OUCH...looks like ya broke your little toe"...Really there genius...cuz I was leanin' more towards mild strain...with the possibility of excruciatingly painful torsion...it's rampant throughout the entire medical industry...when I had to go to the hospital for gall bladder surgery...it was in an ambulance...which had been dispatched to my location after a frantic call to a 911 operator...the first thing they asked me after they loaded me into the back of the Ambulance was..."What is your address?"...How the HELL did you get HERE...so yeah...12 babies a day to the wrong parents is a little tragic...especially if you have the tan of a Caribbean Pirate...and your siblings are all transparently white with Dot-to-Dot games on their cheeks...otherwise...it's just another good day at the Delivery/Death Department!!!
