03/28/12

A 2" X 4" really only measures 1-1/2" X 3-1/2"...

This tidbit...altho entirely true...has not always been the case...originally a 2 x 4 was exactly that...a board of lumber measuring 2 inches by 4 inches...as happens with most things during the evolution process...things changed...women were awarded their rights...as some believe they should have been...and proceeded to find gainful employment within various fields of the construction industry...it was during this time that the 2 x 4 actually changed its dimensional appearance...men who had been working their entire field in the construction industry had grown accustomed to lying to their wives...and/or girlfriends about the size and girth of similar anatomic appendages or protrusions...to such an extent that in order for their secret to remain firmly out of reach of the female species...drastic reduction to the overall size of 'natural' wood materials was inevitable...couldn't have Heidi Homebuilder coming  home from the jobsite...hoppin in the shower with her husband Harry...and proclaiming that his plank of 'wood' didn't actually measure out to be 10"...but more closely resembled an inch and a half...that is the sole reason for the reduction of material associated with exact measurements...if Heidi hits the workplace thinking that a 2 x 4 actually and accurately represents a specific measurement...she is more likely to buy into husband Harry's bloated 'board' measurements regarding his own belongings...that or it was a simple process of wood mills wanting to make more money by shaving down their standard products an advertising them as representative of the actual width and depth...unfortunately this translated into homes that are inferiorly built in comparison to their older ancestors...take a look around next time you're out driving thru the countryside...you'll probably run across an old farmhouse with a Centennial placard in the front yard signifying that the house has stood in that present location for over a hundred years...while right down the road there'll be a brand new house just being moved into that will stand in that present location for approximately 50 years before needing significant remodeling...it's a process people...called supply and demand...one that the wood mills of this world seemed to grasp firmly from its inception...if you don't create the DEMAND for your products you won't need to worry about providing the SUPPLY because you'll be out of business...this concept runs rampant in the products we use every day...automobiles included...remember when you could ride in a vehicle...as a kid...standing up between the front bucket seats...without worrying about safety belts and air-bags...that's because the vehicles were made out of materials that lasted longer...even the oil companies have jumped on board...there used to be a time in this country when auto manufacturers offered their respective models with maintenance guidelines that suggested changing the oil every 5,000 miles...these days you can't go around the block to get breakfast without needing to replace something...it's gotten ridiculously outta control...and all because of greed... if you really wanna f**k with somebody...go to your local lumberyard and buy a quantity of 2 x 4's...load them into the truck...take them home for a few hours...then return to the store and demand to speak to the manager...inform them that you are going to be filing a lawsuit for false advertising...demand to be re-imbursed for the missing material you have already paid for...this really chaps their asses...because 9 times out of 10...the sales invoice will still list them product as a 2 x 4...and the threat of suing over false advertising practices usually makes a business owners asshole pucker...NOTHING screams of bad advertising like being wrapped up in a lawsuit with a local community member...who won't keep their mouth shut...could result in a small financial windfall if you play your cards right...regardless of the real reasons behind this travesty...one thing to keep in mind if you were unfamiliar with this false advertising procedure before today...is the relative size of other things men describe with enthusiasm...chances are the guy braggin about his canyon carving capabilities while pissin in the great outdoors...couldn't fill the hole left by the pointy end of a tack in a piece of drywall...it's the ones who keep quiet who really lay down the lumber ladies...and on that note...I'll shut up...LMAO!!!

03/27/12

Courduroy comes from the French, meaning "cloth of the King"...

This is a rather funny piece of information...who wasn't forced to wear some obnoxious bell bottomed version of courduroy pants by their parents back in the '70's???  Yeah...I was too...and if ya know her personally she probably has some really ugly ass pictures of me dressed up in them somewhere in her volumes of photo albums that I can't wait to inherit...just kiddin' Ma...keep them as long as you want them...I'm in NO rush to relive those godawful Saturday Night Fever Fashion Faux Paus things you used to dress us up in...if courduroy is such a regal material from which to sew together strips of cloth for external appearance enhancing qualities...why does it make fat people sound like a cricket with a club foot trying to determine the current temperature during warm weather conditions???  The only advantage courduroy ever provided was a reasonable excuse for covering the sound of an anally lifted air biscuit...I don't know why Kings would want to claim it...it's NOT like it was a quiet material suitable for sneaking around the castle at night looking for some nookie...I mean a cookie...I don't know why the shit still exists...it's a loud obnoxious material that extremely overweight individuals seem to insist on wearing when all their spandex applications are dirty...ya ever thought you heard a hundred hivves of bees fly by...all in a sudden blinding dash of khaki colored light...that was a fat man flyin for the shitter...ya wanna know where I intend to use courduroy next???   Thought ya might so here is my grand plan...I'm going to have the interior lining of my casket sewn in courduroy...thats right...for practical joke purposes right up to the end...I'll incorporate subtle hydraulic systems with motion detecting equipment...which hopefully I will live to see advance beyond visibly detected laser beams...all that in conjunction with personalized audio recordings and a specific schedule for order of appearance at the side of the casket...should allow for some rather engaging episodes of eruptive laughter...when certain people approach...a simple shit of the casket should produce the slightest sound of alleviating any residual methane gas stored in the rectal cavity...an audio clip placing blame on the unsuspecting...teary-eyed visitor might serve to lighten the mood a little...because one things for sure...those familiar with some of my life's activities can't say that it was a dull adventure...there'll be a video montage of greatest moments...clearing out the room that housed The Hope Diamond at the Smithsonian...episodes of emergency evacuation along some interstate on the eastern seaboard...gall bladder removal related adventures out into public settings that damn near ended in terms often associated with Natural Disasters...enjoyable moments of meditation under the influence of medicine during relative testing and surgical procedures...funny stories surrounding midnight encounters with bored State Police officers who were so astonished at my incredible wit and sense of humor that they let me go with a warning when they could have locked me up and impounded my car...I really wasn't going that fast...considering the hour and absence of influential traffic...triple digit odometer readings aren't necessarily excessive...or are they???  Anyway...as I was saying...courduroy encased casketry could be a new line of work for me...hey if anyone can sell the idea...I can...just think of the endearing qualities of courduroy as a casketable interior application...less susceptible to corpse slippage than satin...keeps the noise of thumps and bumps created by transporting the deceased to their final resting place to a barely audible experience for all the affected...courduroy is also more resistant to worm feeding methods and should serve to protect the integrity of an old bag of flesh and bones for at least 3 more months than traditional satin or simple cloth sheeting...and let's NOT forget it's Empirical aesthetic appeal...who wouldn't want to be buried like a King even if they lived like a pauper...this could be the rebirthing idea of the century...Kevin's Colorful Cost Efficient Courduroy Caskets...available in an assortment of nasty ass shades...Pea Soup Green...Perfectly Plum Purple... Baby Shit Shades of Squash and Cranberries...oh the possibilities are endless...all I need is some financial backing for some of these ideas and I'd be a Copyright millionaire in a coupla millenia...cuz by then I'm sure somebody somewhere will have tried them...or better yet...I'll open an online shop that specializes in custom color matching courduroy suits and colostomy bags...that way everybody will think that smell you're toting around in your shit sack is coming from those lovely sounds of anal alleviation you create while walking...Anybody who wants to get in on the ground floor of these vividly imaginative...forward thinking...futuristic concepts can send cash or money order contributions to me personally thru Google Checkout or Paypal Services!!!