03/21/12

Rubber Bands last longer when refrigerated...

That's amazingly...incredibly...stupendously...useless.  I can't recall the last time I used a rubber band for anything that didn't involve high school hi jinx.  Ya know...as a matter of fact...in this day and age I'm a little upset with the manufacturers of rubber band products...where's the little advice warning on the label...I don't recall ever seeing the words...'Refrigerate after opening'...on any rubber band packages...I feel jilted...what is this world coming too???  NOT that I'm surprised by it's exclusion...this happens quite frequently in the area of merchandise...while shopping at a local supermarket the other day I came across an empty shipping crate that previously contained those nifty little handi-pak pudding packages...the labeling caught my eye...Do NOT store at temperatures above 37 degrees F...and Do NOT freeze...mind you this was in the baking aisle...where the product was distinctively displayed on a shelf...in an atmosphere much warmer than the recommended 37 degrees...so excluding refrigeration procedures from rubber band packages...NOT quite that big a deal...I wonder if this is the same for all rubber related products...do condoms last longer in the cooler...I don't have any idea...but I'm fairly certain that if left in a refrigerated unit up until the moment it becomes necessary...will ultimately result in a significantly deflated dipstick...thereby eliminating the need for a condom altogether...I know for a fact that hockey pucks are always kept in a freezer during NHL games...apparently firing a solid rubber puck at speeds in excess of 100 mph wasn't enough for these stick swinging...blood lusting buncha behemoths...pucks needed to possess the penchant for inflicting damage...supposedly soft rubber pucks bounce and deflect more easily...creating an atmosphere of over confidence among the shot blocking skate soldiers of several teams...if you've NEVER enjoyed the opportunity to play a game of hockey...you have NO idea what you're missing...getting pegged with one of these frozen pucks...provides an immediate indication of the capabilities associated with freezing rubber products...I think keeping condoms in the coldest section of the refrigerator would provide a modicum of similarity with the hockey puck...in that women would reinvent chastity belts...capable of deflecting the advancement of any frozen phallic appendage...I can't imagine what purpose refrigerating a simple rubber band could afford...quite often maintaining rubber related products in an average temperature suitable to human comfort should suffice...personally I'd have NO use for this technology...even if I did use rubber bands on a regular basis...keeping them cold would be of no benefit...because once I employ the product...I NO longer have a use for it...it's NOT as if I'm running to the refrigerator to grab a rubber band...wrapping it around an object in order to maintain control...then removing it and putting it back in the refrigerator...because here's the thing...rubber is a replaceable item...extremely plentiful...and rather easy to come by...therefore there doesn't appear to be a need for frolicking thru the refrigerator to find a hair tie replacement...rubber's natural composition enables it to stretch...bend...and break...regardless of compound characteristics...you can carve a chunk out of a hockey puck with a sharp knife...just as easily as you can stretch a rubber band beyond it's elastic capabilities...resulting in catastrophic failure of the component...if you're keeping rubber bands in the refrigerator you need more help than I am qualified to offer...you're probably moments away from trying to insure your Panda Poo tea container seals in freshness...you need to be hit on the head with a hammer...repeatedly...until you submit to common sense thinking...or pass the hell out...I swear sometimes people just need to think outside the box...rather than waddling around in the collective waste of their cataclysmic conscience...with the advancement of search engine options available on the Internet today...I have NO doubt there are several people who are rushing home at this very moment to refrigerate their rubber band collection... these people are what I like to call amoebic...spineless...thoughtless...puddles of jelly like substance...  incapable of caring for themselves...they read and heed what others deposit as solid facts on the web pages they peruse...NEVER taking the opportunity to research information themselves...I'm half tempted to start my own useless facts forum...just so that I can wake up every morning smiling...knowing full well...some ridiculous stooge is at that very moment taking for granted the blurb I posted...adhering to it's very essence without so much as a flicker in the frontal lobe region of their garbage collecting grey matter membrane...in closing I would just like to offer a prayer for those affected with an iota of ignorance...that's right...even tho I'm not a religious fanatic...quite the contrary as a matter of fact...but for the sake of saving a few less than gifted thought processors...Lord, have mercy on the souls of the simple ones...they make me smile!!!

03/20/12

China is producing a tea blend from Panda poop, which is rich in fiber and nutrients and creates a unique aroma...

Let's have it with our hairy sheep ball pie!!!

Rich in fiber...would that be bamboo fiber...creates a unique aroma...undoubtedly...fecal matter often emits a rather unpleasant...pungent...unique aroma...ya know why China is the only one producing this blend of nutrient rich Panda poo tea blend...piss poor eyesight...that's why...and let's NOT forget their penchant for hog's hair toothbrushes...add a little Panda poo tea...and you've gotta gullet full of something that smells like hot garbage and shitty diapers...I'm quite sure  the after taste will be quite enticing...considering the green teeth and stinky gum sockets these people already possess...who in their right mind would buy this shit...I mean literally...Momma sent me the article that she derived this tidbit from...the dumbass who came up with this idea...honestly thinks that this new blended beverage of bear shit is gonna make him an instant millionaire...and overnight sensation...NOT only is this the shittiest idea I've heard yet...but this stuff is supposed to sell for somewhere in the neighborhood of $36,000.00 a pound...HOLD UP...WAIT A MINUTE...did Kevin just say $36,000.00 a pound...yes he did...but have NO fear...it is also going to be sold by the cup...at the low, low price of $200.00...that's right folks...before long you'll be able to pop into your local Starbucks and order a Grande Double Panda Poop Lowfat with Cream...un-f**kin' believeable...I'm NOT quite sure where this bear shit barista studied economics...or if he ever took a math class to begin with...but here's the thing...99% of the automobile owning population are struggling to pay $4.00 a GALLON for gas...I don't see them shelling out $36,000.00 for a pound of ground up dried dung...the genius who came up with this idea pulls NO punches...he justifies the value he has placed on Panda Poo Tea...by claiming it will be the rarest blend in the entire world...HEY...look everybody...it's the herbal ignorant prodigy of defecating delicacies...Sum Ting Wong...Honolable Mastah Wong...can you prease terr dese plepol why Panda Poo tea is lalest in de entile...wol...wol...oh f**k it...pranet???  Because you DON'T make tea outta of SHIT...it's gonna smell like SHIT...it's gonna taste like SHIT...and if you buy this SHIT...even @ the relatively low price of $200.00 a cup...you're dumber than SHIT...and you deserve a big steaming cup of caca...this guy actually envisions setting a Guiness World Record with his first sale...Well NO shit... even if it's a single grain for $5.00 it'll be a record DIPSHIT...because NOBODY has ever...in the history of humanity...paid to drink POOP before...lemme tell ya what's gonna happen there ree ree... the second you set a record selling Panda Poo tea...I'm gonna set out to one up your ass...by concocting an even rarer rectally regurgitated blend of beverage...Kevin's Cricket Ass Coffee...you think Panda Poop is rare...Crickets are a seasonal insect SHIT for brains...so SIP on that sideways...seriously...I'll smack the ever-lovin' SHIT outta any one of you who have a penchant for making such a purchase...in the Grand Pantheon of things you shouldn't piss away money on...earned or inherited...Panda Poo tea has got to be at the top of the list...hell...it doesn't even belong on a list...it is a Stand-alone item... unless of course this Tea-turdler intends on delivering a low-fat version for those who find Panda Poo too filling...maybe a Diet Dingo Diarrhea blend sold strictly in Australia...to blind Aborigines who've lopped off their tongues...this is an incredibly ridiculous business venture...I can't imagine why anyone would even wanna get close enough to bask in the aroma...it's SHIT people...you don't take up residence in the family Throne Room...plop your ass on the porcelain...do your duty...stand up...turn around...look down and think to yourself...'Hmmm...I wonder what that would taste like if I ran it thru a blender...left it out to dry...then added hot water to it and drank it'...at least I pray you don't...if by chance you do...please...STOP reading my blog...you haven't a hope in hell of understanding that simple thing...Common Sense...I mean NOT even if my children's lives depended on it...DON'T get me wrong...I love my children dearly...but there comes a point where ya hafta draw the line...and apparently drinking...dry...ground up animal dung is that point for me...if you'd like a preview of what this godawful crap is gonna taste like...shove your finger up your ass and fart...then lick that finger with your tongue...because here it is in a nutshell...SHIT...is SHIT...it doesn't matter how well you dress it up...PANDA POOP AIN'T PRETTY!!!