In Israel religious law forbids picking your nose on the Sabbath...
Of course it does...Israel being a country consisting of people who follow the Jewish faith...ever seen the honker on a Hasidic...you could lose a whole hand up one of those bulbous behemoths they use to breathe with...get in there deep enough and you run the risk of dislodging an eyebrow...there are also plenty of people of the Muslim faith residing in Israel...and you can't be caught mining nose nuggets during mass at the local mosque...the penalty for first time offenders among the towelhead tribe is substituting for Shemmie the suicide bomber...a Jewish born Muslim...whose given name comes out sounding like a llama hacking up a phlegm ball for defensive spitting situations...it also excludes them from the guaranteed alloted virgin expectancy supposedly awaiting them in heaven...you know why this religious law would never get a foothold here in America...because Catholics and Protestants need something to do during those long boring...hellfire and brimstone...sermons they are subjected too...holy crap...have ya sat thru one of those long winded Sunday speeches...normally you have but two options...nose-picking...or napping...big difference...one you can do while pretending to participate in the singing of psalms...the other usually results in an individuals propensity to appear bobbleheadesque...they're uncontrollable noggin nodding is the equivalent of trying to balance a bowling ball on a toothpick...quite often these offenders can be spotted long before the service starts...they are male...middle-aged...accompanied by wife and kids...what makes them stand out from the other father figures is their attire...the untucked NFL football jersey billowing out below their favorite Sunday sweater...dead give-away...this guy will be sleeping before the opening credits are completed...and altho nose pickin on the Sabbath in Israel maybe illegal...I'll bet silver to schekels...an afternoon nod during Sunday service would go unnoticed...what with all that throat clearing gobbledegook incorporated into the Jewish language...Momma herself could go to Temple and they wouldn't know she was snoring until everyone else up and left...as a matter of fact...the first time she broke the sound barrier...they'd mistake it for the Second Coming of Christ and run Helter Skelter thru the streets...headed for home to make sure they have enough saved to pay off Peter at the pearly gates...and as always...my intuitive mind would find a way to circumvent the religious legal system they have intact...I'd probably be kicked out of Israel quicker than a Trick-or-Treater dressed as a Hitler youth during Halloween...and I wouldn't even hafta pick my nasal passage one single time...(now I know you're more than likely wondering why???)...it's simple really...I would employ the great Southern tradition of utilizing what is commonly called a Farmer's Hanky...knuckle off a nostril...tilt your head to the sky...take a deep breath...and let it fly...I'd be shovelled into the street before the first sprays of snot settled on the Sabbatical Altar...but that's how I roll...always ready to find new ways of 'fingering' the flaws of faulty laws...(I also know most of you think I'm joking...that I wouldn't really do such a thing)...and about that you couldn't be more wrong if you ordered a Caesar salad at Kumbuka's Cannibal Kitchen...I wouldn't do it out of spite...or for humor...I'd do it for the same reason anyone exposes a flawed system...so they could better prepare themselves for the future...that and to see the facial expressions of those who are offended...if only to explain I find myself equally offended at their ignorance for NOT including all parameters pertaining to excavating an individuals unwanted clogged nasal drippings...as for those little morons over at the mosque...I'd teach them a whole new torture technique...specifically geared towards future terrorists... called Blowing your Beak with Bottlerockets...because here's the thing...if you're gonna grow up to be a suicide bomber...I wanna make sure you get plenty of practice...and believe me...I will provide enough material to make sure you get it right...probably NOT the first time...but eventually...the first time you stop convulsing on the floor...foaming at the mouth...attempt to breathe out of your ear canal...and I can't find a pulse for four months...you pass the class...give me 12 months in Israel and they'll let you pick your nose in public 7 days a week...while worshipping witches...if you so choose...because once I get thru with them...they'll choose Boogers over Bombs...every-f**kin'-day...THUMP...THUMP!!!
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
02/22/12
Winston Churchill was born in a ladie's room during a dance...
Really??? So England's Greatest contribution to involving America in WWII was coughed up in a crapper...seems fitting since he really didn't accomplish shit singlehandedly...I may need a refresher course in military strategy...but isn't getting your country bombed back to the Stone Ages...before begging your biggest ally for support generally considered FAILURE...I don't get it...the guy gave great speeches...when he wasn't st..st..st..stuttering...had he NOT been born into the arisocratic family of the Dukes of Marlborough...he NEVER would have been appointed Prime Minister...when you hafta beg...borrow...and steal the soldiers and pilots of your allies to obtain victory over your adversary...you might need to reflect on the intestinal fortitude of your fellow countrymen...I know what some of you are thinking...(but Kevin aren't we just as guilty of asking for assistance...compiling international coalitions to combat our enemies)...hardly...we allow them to climb on board so that they can feel important at an International level while we continue to covertly attempt to rule the world...if we were casting votes for the world's Hall of Fame for Super Powers...England and France would hafta split a vote just to be mentioned...neither of these two countries could fight for air if they were playing water polo in an empty pool...they have NO business bothering with the complexities involved in combat...you hafta go back centuries to find a war either country waged and won without the assistance of allies...(I can hear it now...somebody amongst you considers themselves well versed in British History...and is...no doubt...at this very moment...prepared to remind us all of The Falklands War)...Bravo!!! Golly good old chap...and all that happy horseshit...they fought the Argentine Army and Air Force...you remember those hostile...well respected warmongers from South America...the same ones who hadn't engaged in armed conflict since 1880...the whole Falklands War lasted 74 days...and took place in 1982...England sent a naval task force to retake the island...I woulda sent Bubba...two of his buddies...and a bassboat full of beer...they'd kicked the shit outta the Argentine Armed Forces in a little more than a long afternoon...Britain is...and has been a monumental mockery when it comes to military affairs...I hate when history misconstrues a segment of the past to the point it praises some tea-sippin'...sissy assed...sally boy who is undeserving of the credit bestowed upon them...I don't know much about British History...or Winston Churchill for that matter...NOR do I care too...studying the epic failures of forgotten foreign sovereignties is not my specialty...what I do know is that in during the Revolutionary War the British Army as well as it's Navy got their asses handed to them in a ten gallon hat...by a buncha disgruntled farmers...who by the way just so happened to be former countrymen...or the offspring thereof...then their was WWI...a 4 year war during which Britain lost a vast majority of it's wealth...suffered horrendous casualties...and surrendered it's place as the leading super power of the world...wanna guess who was First Lord of the Admiralty during WWI...that same blowhard mentioned in the tidbit itself...WWII comes along...and guess what??? Great Britain is gettin' it's ass kicked again...this is where it gets interesting...the German Luftwaffe is mercilessly bombing the hell outta England...demonstrating air superiority over it's adversary...and to what position do they appoint Mr. Churchill...once again he becomes the First Lord of the Admiralty...from the outbreak of war...they give him control of the water forces to fight the invading air forces...there's a military acronym for this method of magnifying mayhem...WTF!!! and here's where it gets interesting...and actually ruffles my asshairs a bit more than a stiff breeze blowing across my blanket while I sunbathe in the buff...shortly after WWII...war historians give Churchill credit for pushing Parliament for the rearmament of the RAF and turning the tide of the war...resulting in an Allied Victory...NOW maybe I've missed a thing or two in my lifetime...I wasn't around during WWII...don't pretend to have all the facts...but I dare venture to verbalize my own humble opinion regarding Winston Churchill's illustrious war record...If it weren't for a few good old boys named Bradley...Eisenhower...and Patton...Churchill woulda died of old age speaking German...and that piece of shit parcel of rock known as England would be flying a different flag as we speak...you wanna know why England isn't the 51st member of the United States...it sits too close to France...and on a warm summer's day...with the wind blowing in the right direction...you can damn near choke on the overpowering aroma of fear...I won't lie to ya...I must digress...WWII was our countries Greatest Moment...in a military manner of speaking...the country unified...supported the soldiers...supported the war effort and what we were trying to accomplish...the liberation of people from the hands of tyranny...we haven't done much since...drew a DO NOT CROSS line in the dirt over in Korea...lost a shitload of good american men in Vietnam for no apparent reason...some hit and miss missions in the middle east during the '80's...and now this...unfinished... unresolved...impending disaster in Iraq...don't get me wrong...I support my brothers and sisters in arms...even if I disagree with how the government deploys them...when does it end??? 10 years of bloodshed...NOT one single WMD to show for it...for f**ks sake...find a damn cave and show me drawing of a WMD...toy with me a bit...keep me believing there's still a valid reason for our soldiers' sacrifice...next will be Iran...because they might have intentions of developing more than nuclear energy...which proves the ignorance of the current regime in control of Iran...claim you're a changed country...that you embrace Democracy...10 years from now you can build your nuclear weapons on our dime...it isn't that hard to figure out...our civilian leaders aren't near as savvy as the ones we will send to shoot you...and as far as England and France are concerned...our future alliance with either of them in regards to armed conflict should be determined thru a coin flip...just 1...like at the start of a football game...Heads...we help them...Tails...let them get taken...together they're worth about as much as a wet fart at the water cooler when it comes to war...OH STOP...sometimes truth hasta be delivered brutally...Churchill better have thanked his lucky stars he had a 'Sir' in front of his name instead of an 'Herr'...porkbellied little primate could've ended up watching a parade of short stachioed shitheads stomping thru the Royal Palace!!!
Really??? So England's Greatest contribution to involving America in WWII was coughed up in a crapper...seems fitting since he really didn't accomplish shit singlehandedly...I may need a refresher course in military strategy...but isn't getting your country bombed back to the Stone Ages...before begging your biggest ally for support generally considered FAILURE...I don't get it...the guy gave great speeches...when he wasn't st..st..st..stuttering...had he NOT been born into the arisocratic family of the Dukes of Marlborough...he NEVER would have been appointed Prime Minister...when you hafta beg...borrow...and steal the soldiers and pilots of your allies to obtain victory over your adversary...you might need to reflect on the intestinal fortitude of your fellow countrymen...I know what some of you are thinking...(but Kevin aren't we just as guilty of asking for assistance...compiling international coalitions to combat our enemies)...hardly...we allow them to climb on board so that they can feel important at an International level while we continue to covertly attempt to rule the world...if we were casting votes for the world's Hall of Fame for Super Powers...England and France would hafta split a vote just to be mentioned...neither of these two countries could fight for air if they were playing water polo in an empty pool...they have NO business bothering with the complexities involved in combat...you hafta go back centuries to find a war either country waged and won without the assistance of allies...(I can hear it now...somebody amongst you considers themselves well versed in British History...and is...no doubt...at this very moment...prepared to remind us all of The Falklands War)...Bravo!!! Golly good old chap...and all that happy horseshit...they fought the Argentine Army and Air Force...you remember those hostile...well respected warmongers from South America...the same ones who hadn't engaged in armed conflict since 1880...the whole Falklands War lasted 74 days...and took place in 1982...England sent a naval task force to retake the island...I woulda sent Bubba...two of his buddies...and a bassboat full of beer...they'd kicked the shit outta the Argentine Armed Forces in a little more than a long afternoon...Britain is...and has been a monumental mockery when it comes to military affairs...I hate when history misconstrues a segment of the past to the point it praises some tea-sippin'...sissy assed...sally boy who is undeserving of the credit bestowed upon them...I don't know much about British History...or Winston Churchill for that matter...NOR do I care too...studying the epic failures of forgotten foreign sovereignties is not my specialty...what I do know is that in during the Revolutionary War the British Army as well as it's Navy got their asses handed to them in a ten gallon hat...by a buncha disgruntled farmers...who by the way just so happened to be former countrymen...or the offspring thereof...then their was WWI...a 4 year war during which Britain lost a vast majority of it's wealth...suffered horrendous casualties...and surrendered it's place as the leading super power of the world...wanna guess who was First Lord of the Admiralty during WWI...that same blowhard mentioned in the tidbit itself...WWII comes along...and guess what??? Great Britain is gettin' it's ass kicked again...this is where it gets interesting...the German Luftwaffe is mercilessly bombing the hell outta England...demonstrating air superiority over it's adversary...and to what position do they appoint Mr. Churchill...once again he becomes the First Lord of the Admiralty...from the outbreak of war...they give him control of the water forces to fight the invading air forces...there's a military acronym for this method of magnifying mayhem...WTF!!! and here's where it gets interesting...and actually ruffles my asshairs a bit more than a stiff breeze blowing across my blanket while I sunbathe in the buff...shortly after WWII...war historians give Churchill credit for pushing Parliament for the rearmament of the RAF and turning the tide of the war...resulting in an Allied Victory...NOW maybe I've missed a thing or two in my lifetime...I wasn't around during WWII...don't pretend to have all the facts...but I dare venture to verbalize my own humble opinion regarding Winston Churchill's illustrious war record...If it weren't for a few good old boys named Bradley...Eisenhower...and Patton...Churchill woulda died of old age speaking German...and that piece of shit parcel of rock known as England would be flying a different flag as we speak...you wanna know why England isn't the 51st member of the United States...it sits too close to France...and on a warm summer's day...with the wind blowing in the right direction...you can damn near choke on the overpowering aroma of fear...I won't lie to ya...I must digress...WWII was our countries Greatest Moment...in a military manner of speaking...the country unified...supported the soldiers...supported the war effort and what we were trying to accomplish...the liberation of people from the hands of tyranny...we haven't done much since...drew a DO NOT CROSS line in the dirt over in Korea...lost a shitload of good american men in Vietnam for no apparent reason...some hit and miss missions in the middle east during the '80's...and now this...unfinished... unresolved...impending disaster in Iraq...don't get me wrong...I support my brothers and sisters in arms...even if I disagree with how the government deploys them...when does it end??? 10 years of bloodshed...NOT one single WMD to show for it...for f**ks sake...find a damn cave and show me drawing of a WMD...toy with me a bit...keep me believing there's still a valid reason for our soldiers' sacrifice...next will be Iran...because they might have intentions of developing more than nuclear energy...which proves the ignorance of the current regime in control of Iran...claim you're a changed country...that you embrace Democracy...10 years from now you can build your nuclear weapons on our dime...it isn't that hard to figure out...our civilian leaders aren't near as savvy as the ones we will send to shoot you...and as far as England and France are concerned...our future alliance with either of them in regards to armed conflict should be determined thru a coin flip...just 1...like at the start of a football game...Heads...we help them...Tails...let them get taken...together they're worth about as much as a wet fart at the water cooler when it comes to war...OH STOP...sometimes truth hasta be delivered brutally...Churchill better have thanked his lucky stars he had a 'Sir' in front of his name instead of an 'Herr'...porkbellied little primate could've ended up watching a parade of short stachioed shitheads stomping thru the Royal Palace!!!
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