The Human feet perspire half a pint of fluid per day...
Well now...where was this little tidbit when we were discussing those beastly beings who gnaw on their toenails...TAS-TEE!!! I have some serious doubts about the authenticity of this individuals intellect as well...my son's Leather Personnel Carriers seem to indicate the sweat glands of his pedestial protrusions operate on the same principal as a falling skydiver...producing a half a pint per second per second...you can't get within 300 feet of those damn things without gettin' ghillie suited up like some secret sock sniper...if he kicks his shoes off in the kitchen...you'll beg to rub onions in your eyes...just to slow the flow of tears...if you send him out onto the ice during intermission barefoot...he'll Zamboni the surface in 7 seconds flat...that kid is the sole reason I watch Finding Bigfoot...so I can learn how to conceal the scent trail he leaves leading up to my door...because the last thing I want is a surprise televised visit from the BFRO crew in the middle of the night...I leave his shoes on the back porch in the summer...keeps the stray dogs at bay...sometimes vultures circle overhead like they've found a fresh carcass...they always look surprised when they swoop down for a little bite...ever seen a bird with a six foot wingspan try to talon that awful aftertaste outta it's mouth...it's hysterical...I don't wanna give the wrong impression here...but the damn things produce a green gas that glows in the dark...and that really f**ks with the cat...poor damn thing keeps try to swat at it...eventually he falls over on the floor...and I hafta revive him in an ice bath...but he seems forgiving enough because he keeps goin back for more...I hafta make sure somebody is awake 24/7 at the house so the neighbors don't think we died 3 days ago and report a funny smell...I can't really describe the odor...it's that eye watering...snot runnin...sour hot garbage smell...you know the kind...the minute you come in contact with it you turn into an instant nasal ninja...you invent so many new moves to swat...block...defend and attack whatever it is that's trying to blind you...I took him down to the VFW last weekend for breakfast...one of the WWII vets put on a gas mask and started diggin' a foxhole...I don't know what to do for my poor son's foul feet...I set up selective surgery... thinking amputation might be the answer...the anesthesiologist passed out first...the head nurse fainted...and the surgeon is still in intensive care...that was over a month ago...I tried the cinammon stick trick...but with all the tears and mucus migrating down my face they turned into something resembling pulverized poi...I love the kid to death...but I'll tell ya what...I'm on the verge of segregating the house into 2 sections...you think I'm kidding...dung beetles won't even get close to those things...ya ever seen the Northern Lights...NOTHING compared to the Aurora Matthewolis...I hate to admit it...but his shoes are the sole reason for the Global Warming pandemonium...I just don't wanna embarass the poor little fella by goin public with that insight...put it this way...if I know ahead of time when he is gonna get outta work... I wet a cotton ball with wasabi for each nostril...and shove them up til my eyes cross...it's the only way to keep from starring in my own Cuckoo for Cocoa-Puffs commercial...I walked in his room the other day and half his socks were tryin' to commit suicide...a handful were eating holes in themselves...like some sadistic club foot cult...I've tried everything...even dumping a bottle of baby powder into each one...just ended up lookin' like a dormant volcano venting prior to poppin' it's top...went to see a podiatrist last week...that poor bastard ended up projectile puking so violently I think he herniated himself right outta the possibility of procreating...it's terrible...last summer he went swimmin out at the lake...they had to shut down 7 different beaches to clean up the dead fish...and even that smell couldn't stifle the stench emitting from his surviving sock stock...tried to toss out an old pair of his sneakers...Waste Management called...said our garbage man went on strike...there are some scientific benefits however...little Johnny next door...isn't cross-eyed anymore...Hu-Dat Shu...the little Chinese kid can play hide and seek now... Sally started selling seashells stuffed with seal shit as some sorta scent mutilating mollusk alternative for those with sweaty socks...so I guess it hasn't all been for naught...I tried bottling it for future scientific study...it eats thru every known substance to man...except his shoes...and those things pop their own holes like an overboiling pot of pudding...it's like a combination of sulfur and raw sewage...if I could market this magic you could avoid vampires without needing to garnish yourself with garlic...and on that note I'm gonna hafta get outta here...I think I here footsteps falling on the back steps...time for me to tantalize my nasal passages with a pound of elephant poo so I can get to sleep tonight...if you don't hear from me tomorrow I had to resort to shoving my head up a skunks ass and am currently in the process of having it removed...have NO fear I know how to fight fumes with fumes...I'll be fine!!!
