The house fly hums in the middle octave key of 'F'....
I coulda went the rest of my life without needing to know the operatic ambitions of the common house fly...holy crap...if this is true we really need to take a step back...look in the proverbial mirror...and start askin ourselves just WHAT in the hell is important enough ot do research and study on...finding out these insignificant little facts cost money...and are normally financed thru federal funds...which are amassed thru the taxation of citizens suffering from far more important problems than NOT knowing which octave a common house fly hums in...and what makes the house fly so special it warrants it's own study...what about the horse fly??? The tse-tse fly??? The crowd controlling...pants fly??? I've heard all kinds of humming noises come from that general vicinity...depending on if the fly is open or shut...and they don't tend to come from the middle octave of 'F'...but sound distinctly like the high octave of 'B'...there's also an arrangement of acoustical accompaniments...moans...groans...and loud spanking noises...followed by a chorus of "oh's" the Mormon Tabernacle Choir would be proud of...I can't believe that one day...one of the turdswillin' floaties got outta bed...took a shit...hopped in the shower...and half way thru the morning shave...stopped mid-cheek...looked up at the grisly face in the mirror and thought to themselves...'Today I astonish the scientific community thru determining what octave the common house fly is capable of hummin in'...I mean I could see going to all this trouble if there were some advantageous end result...for instance...it wouldn't bother me near as much if I were to read an article in The Scientific Journal regarding this little study..."After just under a decade of research...a group of maggot morphing...hula-hoop heads...working at the ultra-secretive CERN laboratories...were able to pinpoint the exact octave with which a common house fly announces its arrival...studies of this two-winged terror were found to have benefits for surfers on each and every continent...what was initially described in earlier reports as an 'accidental occurrence'...resulted in the manufacturing of the highly acclaimed product...'Shark-Away'...when scientists attempted to communicate musically with dolphins by organizing an underwater symphony of scuba suited house flies...only to find that every variety of shark in the adjoining tanks went belly up"...see now...had something even remotely close to beneficial come from this study it woulda been well worth it...even tho this information seems completely useless...I highly advise watching the daily headlines of Chuck Shepherds...News of the Weird...because I guarantee...Old Billy Bluegum read this little tidbit over his morning coffe...which was brewed using the dried grounds from last weeks overturned Copenhagen tin...skipped the shower...got dressed in his best Sunday overalls...ran to the corner drugstore and bought every roll of flytape on the shelf...apparently in an attempt to make good on his promise and give his toothless...one-eyed...sister-mother Tuesdays and Fridays off...now some of you are laughing so hard you're gonna end up havin' a stroke...while I'm sure there are a few who are repulsed by the image of little Billy hangin flypaper off the business end of his swatter...in hopes that house flies gave better hummers...and are thinking...'Kevin's one sick bastard...nobody gets a buncha flies together for a blowjob...that's really stretchin it pretty thin'...obviously those few have a very limited knowledge of internet accessibility...and regard FOX NEWS as the 'end all...be all'...Holy Bible of current events in video format...however in my personal opinion...if Billy wants to candystripe his flesh colored flagpole with flypaper in order to fornicate with a harem of houseflies...who gives a shit...as long as he isn't doing it at a public playground...I say let Billy wrestle his own demons...he isn't half as twisted as that Bareback Mountain...Stetson Commercial...Assless Chaps Cowboy and his equally disturbing Half-naked Horsefly Wrangling Rodeo!!! Truth is flies don't hum...mindless morons who come up with unfounded fun facts hum...drool...rock back and forth...Flies buzz...which may or may not sound as if it originates from the middle octave of 'F'...it is however generated from the disruptance of air created by the common house flies ability to beat its wings at a rate close to 200 times per second...wanna know how I got that answer??? Well...let's use the process of elimination...Did I attend Harvard...minor in the Musical Identification of Octaves as Associated with Insects...with a Major in Humming Houseflies and The Harmonious Half-wits who Hear Them??? No...I did not!!! Did I perhaps peruse this piece of propaganda while idly leafing thru some Modern Medicine Magazine in the waiting room of my very own...'Wannabe an Alien Anal Probing Engineer???'...Wrong again...Could it be something I remember learning about in Highschool Science...that magically came rushing back to me like a Flowerchild's Flashback...when I run across some discolored Polaroid of me wearing the wide lapeled...button down...silk disco shirts...and polyester bellbottoms...(That was probably more embarrassing for me to acknowledge in these pages...than it was funnier for you to read...lol)...but alas...that is also incorrect...(a silence falls over the crowd...from way off in the distance a muffled voice rises above the maddening emptiness...'Pray tell us of your progressive methods...Oh Pinnacle Dwelling Prophet of the Pantheon of Knowledge'...the cheer is echoed into a roaring crescendo...much to the pleasure of the Prophet's Pinna...(outer ear...and once I tell you my secrets you'll be able to use them to your own advantage...and figure out what pinna means all by your lonesome...lol)...and the Prophet lowered his outstretched upper extremities to quiet the masses...and when silence had once again cloaked the crowd like a fresh blanket of new snow on the first day of winter...the Prophet levelled his wisened gaze upon the hoardes of information seeking onlookers...and uttered this single...solitary...multi-syllabic...icon of the internet...GOOGLE!!! The throngs thirst for free thinking now tempered thru the passing of common knowledge...mingled momentarily...audibly acknowledging how awestruck they were with it's simplicity...before resuming their tedious tasks in a much more efficient manner...and all was good in the World of What the Hell Were You Thinking!!!
