...hmmm...funny thing is I don't recall this being ANYTHING my dearly departed grandmother adhered to...and I'm NOT entirely sure she is gone yet...even though I did attend her funeral...I thought that lady was gonna be giving my eulogy when I finally succumbed to eternal sleep several decades from now...and the ONLY thing she hadta say on the subject of living longer was that it was a rather simple and easy process...when I asked her what that was...she replied...STAY THE F**K OUTTA HOSPITALS...well the 4 letter 'F' bomb is mine...I inserted that...but the rest is very true...people of her generation didn't go to the hospital back in the day...they lived on the farm and doctor's were summoned to the cleaner and less bacterial infested confines of the resident rather than subjected to the swimming cesspool of diseases found in hospitals...I do my damned best to follow suit...I don't wanna go to the hospital unless there is a bone protruding at an awkward angle through the elasticity of my flesh...and even then I only wanna go if the bleeding hasn't stopped in time for me to prevent going unconscious...outside of the idiots found in most public classrooms...doctors and hospital employees...(most NOT all)...are completely f**kin useless and clueless...there has NOT been one single instance of a personal hospital visit that has resulted in me NOT having to explain something extremely obvious to the rest of the world...when my oldest son was born...the mental midget that caught the kid as he popped outta the birthing canal...clipped off the umbilical cord...handed me the shears and told me to..."cut the cord"...(this was while I was in the USAF employed as Law Enforcement)...so my immediate reply was..."look dumbass...I'll stay outta the operating room...if you agree not to run around trying to arrest people"...basically you do your job and lemme do mine...this asshat then proceeded to sit idly by as if NOTHING else out of the ordinary was gonna happen that day...needless to say the observation of a baby being born was tragic enough...I immediately began instructing the nurses to shove him back inside he wasn't done yet...blue/grey...covered in mucous blood and embryonic fluid...I knew exactly how that poor f**kin' farmer out in Roswell, NM musta felt when he stumbled across alien life forms...apparently that wasn't enough...because without so much as a word...twinkle in his eye...or other noticeable inflection this guy grabs a stainless steel dish...slides it into place and VIOLA...out comes the afterbirth...how I remained upright and conscious is beyond me...and then when he started poking around in it as if he was testing the texture before flopping it on a grill for dinner...I hadta choke back lunch more than once...but let's revisit the initial tidbit with regards to the all powerful sour solution for long lasting life cycles shall we...here is the first...and really ONLY clue you need in order to debunk this illogical quest for "intellumination"...(that's a word I just made up...it basically refers to those idea-less idiots that are waiting for the light bulb to come on)...now for the clue...STOP at a grocery store on your way home or while you are out running errands later...visit the fruit and produce section...search for lemons...there they are...all gathered together in a neat little bin ready to be picked up and purchased...now look at the price tag...can you afford to purchase one or more of these little yellow fruits without needing to take out a 2nd mortgage...sacrifice the children's college fund...and/or taking out an additional loan using donated organs upon your death as part of the payoff procedure??? Chances are if you are like me you can afford as many as you want on any given day...so how does this prove that eating lemons will NOT add calendar years onto the end of your life cycle??? I really shouldn't even hafta mention it...but I will...if you can afford lemons...and as we have proven most of us can...(those that can't would still be able to shove a few in their pockets)...then it fails the "commercialization of valuable commodities" test...in other words...if there was proven and documented scientific evidence to support the claims of longer life from eating lemons...they would NOT be affordable...NOR would they be kept in open air containers with little security...major pharmaceutical companies and big brother government wouldn't allow them to be on the market...as a matter of fact if this tidbit were true at all...WE wouldn't even know they existed because the FDA would have acted on the behalf of the government and confiscated every tree capable of producing them and issued pamphlets the following day to all citizens explaining that the plant itself had suffered extinction...lemons make you live longer...dipshit...they're a garnish for bad tasting tequila ...which is a solution that acts in direct contrast to living longer...good lord...I wish eating lemons resulted in living longer...I'd ingest enough of those shiny yellow fruits to have sunshine shooting outta my ass!!!
