In Massachusetts it is illegal to put tomatoes in clam chowder...
Good for them...it's supposed to be white...thick...and creamy...NOT...red...runny...and revolting...it's those famous mariners from Manhattan that think the shit's supposed to be red...it's really NOT that hard to understand...tomatoes weren't meant to be eaten...they're still in the larval stage...just look at all that junk in there...you let that thing sit around in a cocoon long enough it'll morph into a something pretty with wings...I've had an on again off again relationship with maters...didn't start actually eating them until a few years ago...and only in certain forms...diced tomatoes...with all that seedy, snotty shit scraped out...tomato sauce when it's used on pizza...or over spaghetti...and that's about it...maybe some shrimp cocktail sauce on occassion...but you can keep that other shit the hell away from me...stewed tomatoes and I will NEVER share a supper setting again...that shit ain't right...besides...who wants a big steaming hot bowl of reddish colored chowder that smells like fish...I AIN"T TOUCHIN' IT...I don't care what kinda cancer it might cure...or how much money you're offering me...I have one steadfast...non-retractable rule when it comes to relaxing with my repast...it CANNOT be red...runny...and offensive to the smell of dead fish...I'll put a hurtin' on a bowl of chili...or tomato soup when I have one of those...'trip down memory lane...just like Momma used to make'...moments...but it doesn't smell like dirty socks...3 day old underwear...and last Friday's leftovers from the Philippino Fish Market over on 4th...I very seldom ever need the knowledge of an edibles ingredients prior to partaking of them for nourishment...sight and smell tend to do the necessary assesment for me...and if I still have doubts...I wait til Momma is dead asleep...in full earthquake causing snore...and I slide a plate of whatever's perplexing me...just beneath her nose...if she coughs herself conscious...probably not something I'm gonna enjoy eating...however if she simply snorts...swallows...and rolls over back to sleep smackin her lips...I know it's gonna be temptuosly tasty...seriously...got my first taste of kimchee that way...we were livin in Hawai'i...Momma fell asleep on the patio outside the Hale Koa Hotel...sunk a cruise ship full of Koreans just off the coast of Kauai with one of her sonarous snores...all that was left was seaweed and fermented cabbage...can't say the same for clam chowder...had to dive into that one on my own...and it's a damn good thing it was the New England version...because I probably NEVER woulda tried anything else that dealt with shellfish had it been the crappy clam chowder kind...the debate over the color of clam chowder is as old as the game of baseball itself...(baseball you say...hmmm...do tell...what does the color of a person's preference for clam chowder hafta do with baseball)...NOTTA damn thing...neither do tomatoes...but you started it...seriously tho...I probably have the least amount of room to bitch about a person's dietary dysfunctions...I've put stuff together that would make most people cringe...being a Blue Cheese Champion connossieur myself...I add it to all kinds of things...Chili...(don't roll your eyes...Kevin's Cajun Blue Cheese Chili is the bomb!)...I've added it to my Dirty Rice Recipe...tossed it into taco's...my next adventure involves mashed potatoes...buffalo wing sauce and blue cheese crumbles...laugh all you want...at least I won't need the fish smell filtering gas mask on to chew my food...look...here's the basic rule of thumb when considering wheter or not to consume a cleverly disguised concoction...does it offend the 4 out 5 senses required to keep an open mind while engaging the mastication process...in other words...does it LOOK...SMELL...TASTE...or FEEL like it has the proprietary possibility to gag more maggots than hot garbage??? Don't try it then...whaddaya tryin to prove...who can launch their lunch longer distances than Linda Blair??? Far be it from me to forbid you the freedom of figuring out your favorite food groups...NOBODY has ever been made famous did so making Manhattan Clam Chowder...but Emeril did make a Blue Cheese Ice Cream...so BAM...(what now bitches!)...LOL...ENJOY your weekend!
Thursday, February 16, 2012
02/16/12
Hang on Snoopy is the official rock song of Ohio...
Maybe it should be Hang on Stupid...since their state quarter claims they are the birthplace of aviation pioneers...and depicts the Wright Brothers plane as well as an astronaut...only one of the Wright brothers was born in Ohio...the older one was born in Indiana...so shouldn't the Hoosier State get to claim at least partial credit for spawning one of the inventors of aircraft...and even if an astronaut(s) was born in that godawful filthy little suburb of Pennsylvania...I don't seem to recall the Wright Brothers or a Space Shuttle departing from the sewer smelling state south of us...gettin' a little ahead of themselves aren't they...the only thing they have to do with aviation anymore is that we allow them to maintain airports so that those who have seen the light can one day find some way to depart...know what their state motto is??? 'With God all things are possible'...I'm guessin' Jim Tressel isn't on the top of God's list for Sunday School Substitutes...and The Ohio State Alumni better dress for hell...the U.S. Government isn't the only establishment that frowns on cheating...ya little buck-toothed buckeyed bastards...you better pray there isn't a man with a plan upstairs when it's all said and done...otherwise you'll wish you were a urine covered Taliban terrorist rotting in some Marine surrounded trench by the time he gets thru with you...know why Michigan doesn't have an official state rock song??? Because we kick Ohio's ass at damn near everything else except depressing landscape...figured we'd give them some catchy tune to make 'em feel all warm and fuzzy inside...ya know...as much as I wanna depart the State of Michigan for some place more climatically acceptable to my outdoor skin recpetors...I wouldn't wish establishing occupancy in Ohio on anyone...that's just cruel...I mean aside from The Flats down by the river...what has Ohio ever had??? The Drew Carey Show...that's what...and even they shot their little sitcom in some Southern California studio where there was sunlight outside...is it just me...or is it everytime I've had to drive thru that state it's kinda smoggy...grey...dismal...or maybe it's just because I'm speeding thru at night with my lights off...hoping NOT to be noticed by anyone else from the State of Michigan...because y'all are a pleasant bunch when forced to drive at a speed limit below 90...hell I've seen a few of ya look like you're about to burst a f**kin blood vessel if you can't kick it up over 60 for a few seconds...settle down...you're headed east...so depending on your way of looking at things...and taking into consideration the amount of distance you intend to travel...you're either headed into the NOT so distant past...or you're CHARGING into the future...as it will probably take you until tomorrow to crawl thru across that mind numbingly misused motorway...it oughtta be criminal to charge someone a fee to travel at the speed of snails slithering thru quicksand...I've driven thru Ohio on several occassions with Momma...and when I wanna have a cigarette she insists it be outside the car...I can't count the times I've walked ahead to meet her at the next rest area...it's pathetic...Hang on Snoopy as an official state rock song...really??? What's he supposed to hang on to??? There isn't much to grab for when you're motoring right along at the speed of STUPID...ya dumbasses anyway...I'll bet if you conducted a straw poll in that... 'Oh hell NO we ain't smarter than NO 5th grader...Jeff Foxworthy can kiss our ass'...state...95% of females over the age of 18 would probably misidentify a...'Buckeye'...as...'the way your fella looks at ya when he's wantin' to get frisky 'neath the sheets'...and they're NOT even Blonde...damn boneheaded...butt-sniffin'...beggars...(why do I call them that you ask?)...because if I ever came across one of these...'bright as burnt biscuit at the brownie shop' excuses for significant others...they'd hafta kiss my ass...and beg to do it...before they'd even catch my attention...and if anyone is from Ohio and is offended...to be honest with you...so am I...you should take up Deep Sea Scuba Diving in Cement Classes ya chowder headed...four-footed freaks of nature...just because you've learned to walk upright and speak passable english doesn't mean you've fooled the rest of us...Hang on Snoopy...INDEED...I doubt he'd even need to worry about the wind ruffling the little yellow asshair beneath Woodstock's tail feathers...Ohio could lay claim to being something of scientific study...since time seems to stand still in that state...stands to reason they could test their twisted theories on time as it travels into a Black Hole...and maybe then they'd see the tachyons of truth about the time/space continuum...I sure as hell hope I'm still breathin when another intelligent lifeform pops by for an actual visit...grabs all the pompous people with Phd.'s...gets them in single file...all facing forward...then they run down the line giving them the Three Stooges Shemp Slap...isn't Ohio like the state with the biggest population of current day Quakers??? These people rampage down roads slower than the Amish...how the hell did you elect...Hang on Snoopy...as your state song...I have a few suggestions for ewe-f**kin Ohioans...how about AC/DC's "Highway to Hell"...or..."That Smell"...by Lynryd Skynyrd...you should be familiar with them...they were so high on drugs they thought they were the first one's flying airplanes too...turns out they were just as wrong about that as you idiots are...or maybe..."Don't Stop Believin"...by Journey...hey if millions of Diehard Lions fans can believe in eventual triumph...so can you...it's still a quasi-democracy of sorts I suppose...so have at it...don't like that one...how about if we get Bing...Dean...Frank and Sammy to sing..."We gotta get outta this place...if it's the last thing we ever do!"...and we'll throw Jerry Lewis in just to scream during the chorus...we'll schedule an event...set a date...sell tickets...I even know what we'll call it...Crooning for Crotch Lobsters in Canton!!! Hang on Snoopy...sounds like you asshats have been mixing your Kool-Aid with the contents of your colostomy bags for quite some time...you'd be better off sipping raw sewage freshly bottled in the South Mexico city of San Cristobal de las Casas del Caca!!! (And if you need that translated just say the word I'll sashay on over and slap the shit right outta ya...Oh...I'm serious...in public...in front of everyone...don't you do it...put your damn hand down...I mean it...I'll cancel recess and make you all eat your lunches at your desk damn it...bad enough I gotta (trails off mumbling beneath my breath)...gah damn kids these days...can't teach 'em anything...(mutters to myself so only I can hear...[buncha little Buckeye Billy bastards...how the hell did I end up havin' to hound them over having Hang on Snoopy as a state song...makes about as much damn sense as singin' 'Swing Low Sweet Chariot' at an all white Neo-Nazi wedding]...wonders if I thought that out loud)...but I guess...what can you expect from our Unfamous Forefathers of Flight!!!
Maybe it should be Hang on Stupid...since their state quarter claims they are the birthplace of aviation pioneers...and depicts the Wright Brothers plane as well as an astronaut...only one of the Wright brothers was born in Ohio...the older one was born in Indiana...so shouldn't the Hoosier State get to claim at least partial credit for spawning one of the inventors of aircraft...and even if an astronaut(s) was born in that godawful filthy little suburb of Pennsylvania...I don't seem to recall the Wright Brothers or a Space Shuttle departing from the sewer smelling state south of us...gettin' a little ahead of themselves aren't they...the only thing they have to do with aviation anymore is that we allow them to maintain airports so that those who have seen the light can one day find some way to depart...know what their state motto is??? 'With God all things are possible'...I'm guessin' Jim Tressel isn't on the top of God's list for Sunday School Substitutes...and The Ohio State Alumni better dress for hell...the U.S. Government isn't the only establishment that frowns on cheating...ya little buck-toothed buckeyed bastards...you better pray there isn't a man with a plan upstairs when it's all said and done...otherwise you'll wish you were a urine covered Taliban terrorist rotting in some Marine surrounded trench by the time he gets thru with you...know why Michigan doesn't have an official state rock song??? Because we kick Ohio's ass at damn near everything else except depressing landscape...figured we'd give them some catchy tune to make 'em feel all warm and fuzzy inside...ya know...as much as I wanna depart the State of Michigan for some place more climatically acceptable to my outdoor skin recpetors...I wouldn't wish establishing occupancy in Ohio on anyone...that's just cruel...I mean aside from The Flats down by the river...what has Ohio ever had??? The Drew Carey Show...that's what...and even they shot their little sitcom in some Southern California studio where there was sunlight outside...is it just me...or is it everytime I've had to drive thru that state it's kinda smoggy...grey...dismal...or maybe it's just because I'm speeding thru at night with my lights off...hoping NOT to be noticed by anyone else from the State of Michigan...because y'all are a pleasant bunch when forced to drive at a speed limit below 90...hell I've seen a few of ya look like you're about to burst a f**kin blood vessel if you can't kick it up over 60 for a few seconds...settle down...you're headed east...so depending on your way of looking at things...and taking into consideration the amount of distance you intend to travel...you're either headed into the NOT so distant past...or you're CHARGING into the future...as it will probably take you until tomorrow to crawl thru across that mind numbingly misused motorway...it oughtta be criminal to charge someone a fee to travel at the speed of snails slithering thru quicksand...I've driven thru Ohio on several occassions with Momma...and when I wanna have a cigarette she insists it be outside the car...I can't count the times I've walked ahead to meet her at the next rest area...it's pathetic...Hang on Snoopy as an official state rock song...really??? What's he supposed to hang on to??? There isn't much to grab for when you're motoring right along at the speed of STUPID...ya dumbasses anyway...I'll bet if you conducted a straw poll in that... 'Oh hell NO we ain't smarter than NO 5th grader...Jeff Foxworthy can kiss our ass'...state...95% of females over the age of 18 would probably misidentify a...'Buckeye'...as...'the way your fella looks at ya when he's wantin' to get frisky 'neath the sheets'...and they're NOT even Blonde...damn boneheaded...butt-sniffin'...beggars...(why do I call them that you ask?)...because if I ever came across one of these...'bright as burnt biscuit at the brownie shop' excuses for significant others...they'd hafta kiss my ass...and beg to do it...before they'd even catch my attention...and if anyone is from Ohio and is offended...to be honest with you...so am I...you should take up Deep Sea Scuba Diving in Cement Classes ya chowder headed...four-footed freaks of nature...just because you've learned to walk upright and speak passable english doesn't mean you've fooled the rest of us...Hang on Snoopy...INDEED...I doubt he'd even need to worry about the wind ruffling the little yellow asshair beneath Woodstock's tail feathers...Ohio could lay claim to being something of scientific study...since time seems to stand still in that state...stands to reason they could test their twisted theories on time as it travels into a Black Hole...and maybe then they'd see the tachyons of truth about the time/space continuum...I sure as hell hope I'm still breathin when another intelligent lifeform pops by for an actual visit...grabs all the pompous people with Phd.'s...gets them in single file...all facing forward...then they run down the line giving them the Three Stooges Shemp Slap...isn't Ohio like the state with the biggest population of current day Quakers??? These people rampage down roads slower than the Amish...how the hell did you elect...Hang on Snoopy...as your state song...I have a few suggestions for ewe-f**kin Ohioans...how about AC/DC's "Highway to Hell"...or..."That Smell"...by Lynryd Skynyrd...you should be familiar with them...they were so high on drugs they thought they were the first one's flying airplanes too...turns out they were just as wrong about that as you idiots are...or maybe..."Don't Stop Believin"...by Journey...hey if millions of Diehard Lions fans can believe in eventual triumph...so can you...it's still a quasi-democracy of sorts I suppose...so have at it...don't like that one...how about if we get Bing...Dean...Frank and Sammy to sing..."We gotta get outta this place...if it's the last thing we ever do!"...and we'll throw Jerry Lewis in just to scream during the chorus...we'll schedule an event...set a date...sell tickets...I even know what we'll call it...Crooning for Crotch Lobsters in Canton!!! Hang on Snoopy...sounds like you asshats have been mixing your Kool-Aid with the contents of your colostomy bags for quite some time...you'd be better off sipping raw sewage freshly bottled in the South Mexico city of San Cristobal de las Casas del Caca!!! (And if you need that translated just say the word I'll sashay on over and slap the shit right outta ya...Oh...I'm serious...in public...in front of everyone...don't you do it...put your damn hand down...I mean it...I'll cancel recess and make you all eat your lunches at your desk damn it...bad enough I gotta (trails off mumbling beneath my breath)...gah damn kids these days...can't teach 'em anything...(mutters to myself so only I can hear...[buncha little Buckeye Billy bastards...how the hell did I end up havin' to hound them over having Hang on Snoopy as a state song...makes about as much damn sense as singin' 'Swing Low Sweet Chariot' at an all white Neo-Nazi wedding]...wonders if I thought that out loud)...but I guess...what can you expect from our Unfamous Forefathers of Flight!!!
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