...and the rest come up with dumb shit I use as fodder for my daily adventures down the tale telling lane we have all come to love and cherish...well the gifted few among the masses anyway...ya know how ya kill yourself with a vending machine??? By being 10X dumber than the vending machine...you have gotta be some new kinda ignorant to kill yourself with a vending machine...they're really very simple to use...you put your money in...you push a few buttons or slide a knob under your selection and pull...for those of you who haven't touched one of these things since the 1950's...as far as I can recall there have NEVER been any..."Kill me Imma dumbass"...options on a vending machine menu...ya know what really hasta chap their asses...they show up in the afterlife realizing..."I just killed myself over a F**KIN' candy bar..." ya know where that gets ya...somewhere around the first ring of Hell...ya barely made it through the door...the only reason they letcha in is because ya killed somebody through your ignorant and abusive above ground actions...religious people don't kill themselves over a stuck candy bar so they don't hafta worry about it...it's those idiots that abuse their children and wives that end up dying from a vending machine...they lose control and start beating the shit outta the machine..trying to tip it to an angle that will cause the stuck product to release...little do they realize this method is going to be their ending...and rightfully so...when you beat up on inanimate objects...you show your level of absentelligence...(itsa new word...made it up just now...definition is the absence of any intellect or intelligence)...people that suffer from absentelligence often destroy material things during episodes of misplaced rage...in other words they're too stupid to realize that it themselves that they are upset with...they point fingers and blame on things that have NO possible opportunity to promote ill conceived ideas designed to complicate their simple processes and procedures...vending machines don't just stand around for decades waiting on some dummy to topple over on...NO they hafta be pushed...pulled...tipped and pounded on...they're kinda like trees...they'll stay where they are so long as somebody doesn't come along and try to move them without the proper tools...the only difference is they dispense food and soft drinks rather than leaves and nuts...how ridiculous do ya think it is for your grieving family members to hafta explain that your vending machine challenged ass died because a damn bag of $0.99 chips got stuck on the little twirly thing ina vending machine...and rather than make a simple phone call...or deposit another $1...you chose to verbally and physically attack the poor machine like it was some towel headed tourist with a bomb strapped to its chest...if ya can't tell I have no pity or compassion for these people...as a matter of fact I would just as soon run around this country and set these machines on such a drastic tilt that they have a greater potential for creating harm to anyone dumb enough to even approach them..this little tidbit...in my eyes..is a godsend...we need more moron killing vending machines if ya ask me...hell I can think of a few people I woulda personally lent a couple of dollars to had I known there was the potential for them NOT to come walkin back with their favorite snack or soda...these are the same people I've been screamin' about eliminating from the current gene pool...so here's the deal...I don't care who you are...or how broke I am...if you're the type to abuse inanimate objects of the vending machine sort...please...please...OH PLEASE...contact me first...I will take up collections to video tape your demise at your next purchasing platform...I don't know if there are any laws preventing the promotion of death by delivery from a vending machine...but if it means there are fewer among us who will pollute the next generation with assinine endeavors of getting a morsel of food to drop from a few dimes and quarters...then I'll carry the torch and find out for the rest of us just what the penalties are for successful attempts...I mean seriously...this is like some weird Redneck ritual gone wrong...instead of cow-tippin'...a virtually harmless sport...(Don't start with all that cruelty to animals PETA bullshit either...COWS are a food source...I'm pretty sure I've seen a few of them in vending machines myself)...compared to vendin machine-tippin'...which apparently kills off a few select shallow end swimmers from time to time...what the hell does the headstone for one of these idiots say..."Here lies Bill...who can no longer holler...he lost his damn life...for little more than a dollar"...I mean DAMN...I've lost money in a vending machine on occasion...I've even rocked a machine a coupla times to try and dislodge the desired product...but here's the thing...when dealing with inanimate objects that are extremely bulky...heavy and hard to maneuver...if you push them AWAY from you...they won't topple over and FALL on you...and if the product doesn't free itself from bondage and come skidding down to the drop tray for delivery once the machine has reached a 45 degree angle...it probably isn't gonna...and here's the real kick in the ass...ya ever heard that old sayin'...the early bird gets the worm...well the second mouse always gets the cheese...once you've successfully planted yourself beneath a vending machine...it will be the ones lifting the machine off of your dumb ass that are gonna profit from your failures...listen...it's really quite simple actually...if you have the penchant to pounce on your prey before you know if it's edible...or if you find yourself having heated conversations of an X-rated nature with things like vending machines..copiers...computers...vehicles...tools...or any other form of non-living entity...wear a DAMN helmet...if NOTHING else you will save yourself from becoming a Viral Video clip on YouTube...HAPPY HUMPDAY!!!
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
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