SO MUCH FOR GREEN EGGS & HAM!!!

Beetles taste like apples, wasps taste like pine nuts, and worms taste like fried bacon....

Ya wanna know how I know this little tidbit is false...because if it were true we wouldn't have a use for the fine men and women that f**k up on a daily basis in the FDA...you remember those people that deemed it okay to have a certain amount of maggot eggs in mushroom cans...if bugs tasted like human food we wouldn't need to worry about it...NOBODY would know the damn difference...Chinee westawaunts wouldn't be constantly hounded for health violations...food packaging companies wouldn't hafta worry about the way they process the products they ship out...who the f**k sits around eating beetles, wasps and worms???  If you people don't shit out the right answer here I'm gonna be through with the whole lot of ya...LOL...helmet heads do...and what can we learn from helmet heads folks???  Their word CAN'T be trusted...that's why they don't sell cars...houses...insurance...or perform jobs that matter...such as determining food groups for bugs...we don't need it...I love BACON...probably more so than Burgess Meredith in Grumpy Old Men...and yet miraculously I find myself buying it off the shelf...as opposed to rooting out worms...ya don't see me using them for anything but bait...and guess what...as far as I can tell fish don't have an affinity for pig meat...no more so than a deer has a hankering for beetles instead of apples in the bait pile...some of the ignorant shit people come up with is just baffling...where have you ever gone into a diner and asked for a double bacon cheeseburger and had it delivered with worms...NOWHERE...that's where...because even a cost conscious food serving establishment isn't gonna buy into this bullshit...I don't give a shit how pretty the packaging is...worms come from the earth...they eat dirt and shit out nutrients...there are how many varieties of worms...too many to name after different flavors of bacon...same with beetles and wasps...do Japanese beetles taste like Fuji apples...and whaddabout night crawlers...do they taste like Maple cured bacon...or just the cheap off brand shit ya buy at places like Sav-a-lot...noted for importing edible meat products from Canada and Mexico...and I dare say they don't monitor their products like we do ours...I mean c'mon...we've all eaten at taco bell...you know the potential for disaster after partaking of one of these meals...you're lucky if you can ass crawl across the concrete and make it to the shitter in time...ya know ya might have better luck convincing one of those mentally incompetent...piss guzzlin' jerk-offs like Bear Grylls...that bugs and shit taste like real food...have ya seen the stuff this guy gets himself into...climbin' inside camel carcasses...eating goat testicles...and NOT one damn time do you ever see him with a...I can't believe it's NOT bacon grin...on his face...because that shit is NASTY...NOT TASTY...show of hands real quick...who's goin out to the new eatery...SCRUBS & GRUBS for lunch today???  Anyone???  Nobody...that's a damn shame...looks like you're gonna be missin' out on the chicken fried slugs...taste like calamari from what I hear...and yes...I do eat deep fried squid...it tastes like...deep fried squid...something garden groomin grubs and slugs are incapable of achieving...why do people constantly fall for this kinda crap...I mean it's funny when you're the schoolyard bully and ya left your magnifying glass at home...or there's too much cloud cover to burn alcoholic right leanin' ants...but after that ya would think the dumber bunch would catch on...but NO...all ya hafta do is tell them it tastes like somethin' else...and apparently CHICKEN has been all used up...so now it's bacon...pine nuts and apples...and what happens...ya have a whole new audience of ignorants standin' around shovellin' worms, wasps and beetles down their throats...whaddaya call those people...I mean ya have your carnivores...ya have your herbivores...lettuce munchin' melon heads...so what are these people called...insectivores...bug munchers...NO...ya call them HELMET HEADS...I thought we covered that a little earlier...quit gettin' sidetracked...I have a helluva time keepin' myself in order...let alone runnin' around behind the rest of you...making sure you're following along...I mean c'mon...it isn't that hard to keep the pace...is it...I don't ask much but I do require a modicum of mindful mesmerizing moments...in which I expect those reading to know the direction I'm headed before I get there...and I know...that can be a difficult task in and of itself...since each of these journey's end when I run outta shit to say...sometimes I ramble on for hours...sometimes I'm short winded...and most of the time I'm just medicinally pre-occupied...in which case the tidbit usually ends something like...

OF MICE & MEN!!!

In Cleveland, Ohio, it’s illegal to catch mice without a hunting license...

I know hunting can have alotta different meanings for several groups of dunderheads...but when the term is applied to animals, rodents or other living creatures...it generally refers to a method of providing FOOD for the family...or the clan...NOT that I condone the eating of rodents such as disease carryin' mice...but hey if you've had your fair of Chinese food you've had RAT...which is close enough in my book...and you're still here...so it must not be that bad for ya...NOW catching on the other hand...seems to refer to trapping...which is related to hunting but doesn't necessarily involve the actual killing of the animal...that is left for the trapper to do once he checks his traps...at which time if he decides to slaughter the game for profit or protein he becomes a...you guessed it...HUNTER...so you shouldn't need a HUNTING license to CATCH an animal regardless of classification...I don't see the Federal Government needing HUNTING licenses to TRAP part of my income for their own purposes...they just come and get it when they think I have too much I might become a nuisance...no Pied Piper on Pitiful Penance...just a snatch and grab anytime they feel like it...why would it be illegal to get rid of mice without a hunting license anyway...whadda the damn things so big in Cleveland that ya need to apply for a permit to carry too...whaddaya feedin' those damn things anyway...they're mice aren't they...I mean at some point ya gotta ship them to Australia and reclassify them as wombats don'tcha???  who enforces this little law...the DNR of OHIO...in conjunction with the sanitation department...you know how damn dumb you hafta be to get caught poachin' mice outta season...and who actually abides by this law...I mean are people actually terrified that the Mickey Mouse Club is gonna come dance down their door...sing a little song and shove them in the slammer...for the massacre of mice without a license...who issues the license...Donald Duck from Dayton...I mean seriously how stupid is this thing...ya gotta figure that if they found it necessary to enact such an assinine law...stands to reason they dug the rabbit hole a little deeper and made it damn near impossible to get such a license without providing legitimate documentation of their citizenship...of course all things considered in the current society...those born here naturally have no chance in hell of getting a license for this season or the foreseeable future...illegal aliens will probably be provided a weapon of choice and an abundance of ammunition...as well as enough tags to fill a ten story sidewalk taco station...it's only illegal in this country if it applies to people who are LEGALLY here...anyone else can break the law at will...that's what DEPORTATION is for...a temporary means of getting them out of the country long enough not to be charged...ya know what else is probably on the books in good old Cleveland, Ohio...the right to bear arms...the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness...the right to protect yourself, your family and your property from intruders...and since it's safe to assume that the mice weren't invited into the home...they have forced entry and could pose a threat...which means you can kill them without a license...see how laws circumvent each other...pretty neat huh...ya just hafta look deep enough and twist the damn things to your benefit...lawyers do it everyday and get paid for it...pay attention...I'm tryin to teach ya some money savin' techniques...I'm pretty sure you could even kill a mouse in the yard...so long as NOBODY sees ya...and supposing you are fast enough to drag the body into the house before the Deputies from Disney show up and go all GOOFY on your ass...hey if it'll work for humans it damn sure better work for rodents...I don't understand why it's so hard for them to just remove ignorant archaic laws from the books...its NOT like it's gonna cost an arm and a leg to do...and I'm fairly certain the citizens of Ohio aren't going to object...it just doesn't make sense...unless somebody is thinking that maybe these laws will be put back into use after an apocalyptic event...such as the foreboding 2012 doomsday conspiracy...I so can't wait for that...massive panic in the streets...electrical grids collapsing...communication towers failing...the whole world tossed into chaos and disarray...it's going to be EPIC...especially when I dance through the empty streets buck naked on the 22nd of December...full mouse traps dangling behind me all the way through the state of OHIO...I'll even take pictures of me with them at Jacob's Field...my question is...if it's such a problem how come the mafia hasn't capitalized on producing fake mouse hunting licenses for the goombahs in Cleveland...seems odd they'd take the risk and get thrown in prison over something that insignificant...ya wanna know why...because NOBODY cares about OHIO...what do they have...more roads and slower speed limits...buncha dumbasses...it's NOT a safety precaution either...they're hoping that more people will slow down and STOP somewhere...end up stuck and have to forge out a living...like everyone else above the warm weather belt known as the equator...I think it's the cold weather personally...it screws with a person's ability to think...because here's the thing...the cherry on top if you will...I am constantly urging the readers of this column to think outside the box...if you haven't caught onto that by NOW...there's NO saving you...having said all I've said previously about the subject of mouse hunting licenses...one of you should be able to point out the greatest flaw of all...the forgotten information...the carrot that dangles before the horse...the one thing that NOT only provides a viable and logical solution to the catching of mice without the need for a license...citizens of CLEVELAND...hail these words...and you shall enjoy years of mouse free existence without ever having to drop another penny on a stupid ass license...BUY A CAT...it's MONDAY people...let's try to be better prepared tomorrow...shall we...I'd hate to think that I could mislead you so deftly without any of you catching on to the misdirection...and don't lie about it...you weren't even thinking about CATS...cuz you haven't slurped down your $30.00 cup of STARBUCKS SLUDGE...remember the early bird may get the worm...but it's the second mouse that gets the CHEESE!!!