More adults are afraid of spiders than they are of death...
That's more than likely because death isn't an 8 legged creature crawling around in the dark damp corners of the basement waiting to surprise you when you stumble across it...c'mon...if death showed up at your door once or twice a week unannounced...and slashed R.I.P. across the face of it...chances are your lilly white ass would be three times as terrified of death as you are of spiders...and it's NOT 'more adults' who are afraid of spiders...it's the fairer...chair climbing...mice avoiding...banshee shrieking sex that has an insurmountable fear complex with the arachnids...they are for the most part harmless...sure some contain venomous poison that can incapacitate a human...but to my knowledge none of them possess a kevlar exoskeleton capable of withstanding a well placed boot heel...besides...according to researchers...most humans consume...on average...8 spiders annually...now consider for a moment your age...multiply that by the number 8...go ahead I'll wait...I know a few of you are probably digging out the old abacus just to make the calculation...(whistles while he waits)...good got your answer...mines 352...multiply that by 8 again...to account for the individual legs and whaddaya get...2,816...scrumpdillyicious arachnid appendages I have swallowed...a virtual smorgasbord of spider legs...tasty...and yet I'm still alive and well...freezin my ass off in Northern Michigan...and I rest assured had death had the same characteristics as the spider...swallowing one would be enough to get the job done right the first time...I guess I've never quite understod an individuals eternal fear of something...anything really...not that I haven't been scared before...or experienced the sensation of bein afraid...but not to the point I carry it with me the rest of my life...I got bit by a dog once when I was younger...developed a fear of all dogs in general...then all the sudden I ended up bringing a little stray home one day...poor helpless thing was just wandering the streets...lookin lost and scared...came right over when I opened the car door...took it home asked if I could keep it...had it a month or so before it got some weird illness and keeled over on me...used to be absolutely...knock me out with enough drugs to kill a small village...terrified of needles...the last time I got a shot without being strapped to the table and manhandled by every available hospital employee...I felt the needle go in...jerked back so hard and violently it ripped right down my arm...across my hand and exited near the middle of my second or third finger...I carried that fear for quite awhile...until during a youth league football game I went to throw a pass...got my hand caught in the defensive ends facemask and contorted my right thumb into something that resembled a ladder...dislocated both joints...OUCH!!! Went to the hospital for that...doc took x-rays...came back...gave the prognosis nothing was broken and we just needed to 'pop' them back into place...he then proceeded to pull out a needle...needless to say we had a brief conversation about where exactly that needle could be stuck...@ which time he informed my momma she might wanna wait out in the hall because it was about to get rather loud in the room very shortly...Mom made her way into the hall...the doc asked if I was ready...I shook my head yes...he grabbed...twisted and shoved my thumb...I'm still not sure what was louder...my agonizing scream of pain...or the endless echo of it which can probably still be heard there today...once the pain subsided and I regained my composure the best I could...I reflected on the moment with the doc..."That wasn't so bad" I said..."that was the lower knuckle...easier to relocate...it's the next one...this upper one that's gonna cause you the most pain"...(tires screeching to a halt)...Hold up...wait a minute...did you just say you only got one and that the next one is gonna even worse??? Fear of needles...resolved...now I myself don't have a fear of spiders...I don't have them hangin around...kept as pets...but I'm fairly confident that even if I had a paralyzing death grip of fear over these little creatures I could strive to overcome it briefly in order to exterminate the pesky little insect and get on with my day...some fears are developed thru adhering to misinformation...or because of a lack of knowledge associated with the subject creating the fear...you'll see a whole shitload of these fart sniffin ree ree's crop up here shortly...they'll be standing on street corners holding up cardboard signs proclaiming the End is Near...Doomsday is upon Us...Advertising 101...if you wanna be taken seriously...don't use black Sharpie and cardboard to try and get my attention...and you should always include a sale price in your little placard...people like to know how much something is before they read what you're offering...now as far as our little 8 legged friend the spider...MTFU for a minute...pretend you're a T-Rex on the hunt for candied cavemen and stomp on that little buggers head...now twist your foot back and forth for good measure...just to make sure it is in fact dead...if you're at home grab some paper towel and remove the remnants from the accident site...if you're in a public place just keep walkin...mutter a few things to yourself..slap the side of your head a few times...then announce to any would be onlookers..."All circuits are normal, operational and functional to the best of their ability Captain"...do it using your best Scotty impersonation...they'll think you're a recently escaped Trekkie from the Tower of the Treminally Insane...and they'll clear a path Moses only dreamed of having during his Red Sea campaign!!! Seriously tho people...Death is the only thing any of us should fear...or at the very least be apprehensive about...it is after all the great unknown...it is inescapable and permanent...from the moment we are concieved we begin a slow steady march towards impending death...can't run from it...can't hide from it...can't trick it into taking someone else in your place...can't reason with it...whether you accept it when it comes...or fight it like penicillin against an STD...death never loses the battle...it is undefeated in it's field of operation...runs a monopoly on the subject it is named after...and isn't racially biased...it has no safety lines...no phone a friend...no polling the audience...no eliminating 2 of the 4 multiple choice answers...Death...it is the final answer Regis!!! I have no doubt that if you took a person who claims to fear spiders more than death and give them the choice...walk blindfolded thru a basement crawling with all sorts of prickly haired...long legged...beady eyed spiders...or drink a gallon of this delicious Jamestown Juice...the line outside the basement door is going to be significantly larger than the one at the Kool-Aid stand!!!
