Woodpecker scalps...porpoise teeth...and giraffe tails have all been used as money...
Can you imagine if we still used these items today as valid currency...Las Vegas would be a ghost town...less prostitution...less gambling...How wouldja raise a bet playin Texas Hold 'Em...I see your eagle talons...and raise you three beaver pelts...four gator teeth...and a piece of hard rock candy...but it ain't for eatin'...it's just for lookin' thru...(I'll wager 10 toenails maybe 1 outta 10 of ya can tell me what movie those last 3 stanzas are from)...honestly I think the barter system is long overdue for a rebirth...especially on Capitol Hill...I'll trade you my vote for your candidacy...in return for 2 duffle bags full of your leftover hundred dollar bills...seems fair to me considering they aren't worth the paper they're written on...and your term is gonna be as equally worthless when it comes to serving public interest...but seriously...go to a foreign country...preferably one that still operates on it's own currency system...and who's value on the exchange is greatly inferior to that of the American dollar...you'll see bartering escalate to the point of damn near duelling over which vendor is gonna make the sale...that measley exchange...that ends up amounting to about $0.73 American...could mean the difference between leftover rat carcass and hot flavored water...they call it soup...or something resembling a member of the beef family...things were considered more valuable back then...I'm just curious...of the 3 originally mentioned...woodpecker scalps...porpoise teeth...and giraffe tails...which was considered the most valuable...and why??? Woodpecker scalps for instance...I don't know about your neck of the woods...but round here wodpeckers are kinda scarce...and they ain't of the Woody Woodpecker redhead variety...they're of the camouflage variety...blending into the tree they're pecking on with such perfectionism they'd be really damn difficult to hunt...especially during bow season...so they could be considered rather rare...and therefore quite valuable...porpoise teeth...we don't have none of these blowhole breathing...barnacle breathed...butt ugly brothers of the bottlenose dolphin in our 'fresh'water fountain up here...but I suppose if we did we'd have some NoMich moron with the mental equivalency of a mudpuppy floppin' around out in the lakes every Spring like they were either bobbin' for salmon eggs...or handfishin' for that elusive creature...the catfish...and then taking into consideration the difficulty of actually extracting teeth from a live uncooperative critter capable of cruising thru the water with the speed of a cheetah...and you have a pretty good argument for rarity and greater value than that of woodpecker scalps...as for giraffe tails...short of importing live giraffes from the African continent...letting them loose in your back forty...and then stalking your prey for profit...you'd need to book a safari...get a local...barely dressed...bone thru the nose bushman as your hunting guide so he can show you how to sneak up on these surefooted...sagacious...Saharan Steed...now I don't know if you've actually ever witnessed a giraffe protect itself...it uses it's head and neck...swinging both violently in the general direction of it's aggressor...it also kicks with its hind legs...with as much force as Thor's Hammer when he's havin a bad hair day...they also lift up and stomp with their front legs...therefore being the most capable of self defense as well as causing grave bodily injury to any would be giraffe chasing...tail-cutter...pretty good argument for value and rarity here too...kinda makes ya wonder what other societies or cultures used as financially suitable items of exchange...or how about if your chosen career path determined the items you were allowed to trade...can you imagine the possibilities...we'd eliminate alotta bullshit employment opportunities overnight...where do you think our friends the Sasquatch Hunting...Paranormal Expert...Hypnotists would be??? Right behind doctors...politicians and lawyers in the unenjoyment line...living life in their very own carboard castles...or cardboard casa's...depending on whether or not you're here legally...what if wars between countries were settled thru the exchange of goodwill ambassadors...I'll give you 3 claw-footed...crayon chompin'...underwear covered cranium critters...a handful of half-naked...hair-brained...houdini's...and one big-eared embryonic embarrassment for 2 tongue tied...towel headed...non-terrorist...camel jockeys...and a phlegm hacking...goat gonad gobblin'...yard gnome from Afghanistan...the international currency exchange would look a whole lot different...and now for your bottom ticker on MSNBC...'in the financial world today the French Female Bushel of Body Hair closed slightly lower than the Swamp-assed...sac sweat...of the Southeast American Gator Wrestler...but remains safely ahead of the Armpit Scrapings of Unbathed Eastern Europeans from Poland...while the Raw Fish and Squid Shit Mouth Rinse from Japan is still holding it's own against the Pungent Stench of Pompous Political Propaganda'...the possibilities are endless...right now I would trade a Teflon coated Tub of T-Rex Teeth and Toenail clippings...(don't worry I inherited them from one of my financially astute ancestors...back when the family tree was little more than a trembling...terrified...twig)...for just one BB sized...butt nugget...from a Sasquatch...that dasterdly little dingleberry of a dropping has got to be the most valuable...rarest thing on earth...you could buy whole continents with just a rice paper thin shaving of Sasquatch Shit!!!
