In 1990 there were 15,000 vacuum related accidents...
Tragically humorous...I have no doubt 14,999 of these purported vacuum related accidents are 'suffered' by compromising male spouses...I'll let ya in on a well guarded American male secret...if you screw up enough while appearing eager to assist with the housework...eventually you will be released of all household chores once the missus becomes irritated with following behind you doing things the right way...we employ this tactic covertly...usually when we are left alone in a certain quadrant of the shared domicile...in anticipation of being relegated to the yard to take care of more manly endeavors...mowing the lawn...raking leaves...appearing busier than we really are in a concentrated effort to occupy our time while the actual housework is being completed...the dumber we appear...the less we will be asked to partake in...and if this isn't the underlying reason behind this tidbit...then I blame YOU...my faithful followers...for NOT sharing the valuable insight often dictated in these blog posts...there are apparently 15,000 people with an unaware need to spend a moment or two reading along beside you...how the hell do you injure yourself with a vacuum cleaner??? I sold Kirby's for a little over 2 years and I NEVER once had the pleasure of witnessing a vacuum related accident...if you appeared to ignorant to grasp the simple operation of a floor cleaning utensil I wouldn't even bother to ask if you wanted to buy one...you could beg me all the way out to the van...offering double the price...and I'd have the foresight to deny you and save myself exhaustive litigation procedures...for Pete's sake...it's a 5 step process...plug vacuum in...(That's the power source...it makes effective...efficient operation possible)...turn vacuum on...(there should be some sort of ON/OFF switch readily available...you'll know if it's in the right position by the ensuing noise emitted)...push vacuum back and forth across desired areas requiring cleanliness...(careful to keep all appendages safely away from the opening that should be facing the floor...also a necessary consideration when operating said dirt removal device...it helps immensely if you have the vacuum in the proper upright operational position)...once you have obtained a personally approved condition of carpet cleanliness...turn vacuum OFF...(remember that little switch that breathed life into the machine...flip it the other way...things should become noticeably less noisy)...unplug the vacuum from the outlet...(this insures accidental operation of the ON/OFF switch as well as undesired operation of the vacuum is avoided)...if these directions are followed accordingly you should finish your floor cleaning chores without incident...which should come as a huge relief...the last thing you wanna hafta do is explain the code 3 response of your local ambulance arriving in your driveway...and the life saving techniques incorporated by the responding paramedics...all because your dumbass couldn't concentrate on the mind-boggling methods associated with correctly incorporating a vacuum in your daily house cleaning duties...seriously...unless you wanna show up at the Thursday night Tupperware party...or Friday night Poker with the boys...sporting an eyepatch...and explaining how you blinded yourself fighting a running vacuum cleaner over a sucked up bobby pin...pay attention...I'm offering sound...solid advice...if you even think you might inevitably injure yourself while attempting to understand the machinations of your cheaply built air sucking...soil pounding solution to sand removal...do yourself a huge favor...give the nice people at ServiceMaster a jingle...they're professionally trained to tackle these otherwise daunting tasks for a small...embarassment saving service fee...and just for good measure you may wanna consider joining the recently resoundingly successful logical...cognitive thinking Cinammon sniffing subjects who appear quite capable of mastering the death defying acts of floor sweeping electrical entities...and for the love of god...country...and family...keep away from the broom closet until your feeble little frontal lobe becomes clouded in a fog of that very same cinammon dust...I'm sure all concerned would rather witness you sneeze flavored toppings on breakfast toast...than to endure the audacious events surrounding your stay in County General Hospital's ICU ward...awaiting the prognosis of your full recovery following 14 months of physical therapy associated with Terminal Carpet Cleaning Catastrophes!!! Facts like this tend to lend creedence to China's procreation policy...some of those among us are in desperate need of being chemically castrated...or at the very least systematically and repeatedly tested prior to issuing a license to have a sexual encounter with something other than a silicon based substitute...maybe the biblically credited quote...'Go forth and multiply'...was a reference to furthering mathematically educational resources...instead of a call for the saddle brained semen shooters to populate the earth with stupid resemblances of themselves...if you happen to find yourself in the unfavorable position of being a statistic in this category...'Go forth and Masturbate'...leave the population problem to those of us less prone to accidently injuring ourselves doing the mundane duties associated with daily house cleaning...sure,,,the possibility exists that your family name will become a forgotten footnote in the annals of human history...but it sure beats the hell out of ending up a globally expressed euphemism for failure...'Man did you hear about the guy down the road who lopped off his own foot with a pair of toenail clippers...he sure BUSH'ed that up pretty bad'...go ahead...laugh now...wouldn't be so funny if it were your family name being substituted for ignorantly engaged efforts resulting in personal physical damage tho would it...sometimes it is far better that an individual appear completely clueless about a particular subject than it is for them to put their best foot forward...thereby removing all doubt!!!
