The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by the Egyptians in 2000 BC...
Pure...uncontestable...genius righ there...seldom do we encounter this type of intellect in our daily travels on Tidbit Tours...this is something we need to strongly consider retro-izing...contraceptive fecal contraptions...they are gender receptive...either sex can select to utilize them...and they can be had at a relatively low cost...free if you happen to have your own pet...and they're just effective as condoms...if NOT better...(what's that??? Are there non-believers out there???)...I am so sure this will work that I am willing to offer a Worry Free Guarantee...if you're a Doubting Thomas Type...try it out...I'm NOT sure how the Egyptians used this material originally...if they formed some sorta sperm deflecting shit shield that was fitted to protect the egg deploying drop chutes...or if it was some kinda dung dip they flopped their phallus in just before flailing around the female fun tunnel...but ya don't hafta be a foreseer of futuristic f**king forays to figure out why this was so effective then...and would be just as effeective NOW...because once you start applying poop to your private parts...you significantly deplete the probability of being chosen as a sexual partner...YES...even at AA meetings...(some people...I tell ya)...I mean I know there are some sick fetishes out there...and I'm REALLY hoping that SHIT SNIFFING SEXUAL SITUATIONS isn't one shared by those who read this page daily...I'll bet even I would have trouble convincing a would be concubine to climb aboard my Caca Coated Collosal Canyon Carving Equipment...I'm smellin Breach of Contract issues...somethin' tells me I'd be needing a full body scrub...in a vat of lime and lye...followed by a bleach and vinegar rinse...before I'd even be allowed to wade in the shallow end of the gene pool again...I mean can you imagine Loni Anderson... back in her hey day...laying out naked...seemingly awaiting your arrival...and as you get closer you notice a layer of shit from an overgrown lizard where her landing strip should be...see what I mean...ya don't even hafta actually apply the stuff...a simple visual seems to do the trick...(looks down at shorts)...Nope...not even a twitch...I'm bettin' it goes both ways...am I right??? Guys don't want turd on their taco...anymore than ladies want caca on the corndog...makes sense...or am I proudly and pleasantly missing something in the history of shitty sex stories??? Maybe China and India need to explore ancient Egypt's egg protecting poo program...they seem to be increasing their respective population numbers at a rate rabbits couldn't keep up with...I'm tellin' ya...this stuff will work...wanna teach your pre pubescent...hormonally exploding...soon to be teenager about Safe Sex...hide a cleverly disguised piece of cat crap in their backpack...they'll drop friends like flies...and attract flies like friends...when they wonder why...you can explain to them that aside from caca...condoms are not only cheaper than diapers...they keep you from contracing shit they haven't invented shots for yet...on a semi-related side note...you have no idea how happy I am my Mother...bless her soul...wasn't aware of this back in my formative years...I'd still be living down the hall from my brother and sister...with a 9 o'clock curfew...like we'd need one...the dog and the damn flies are the only things NOT leaving us alone...don't get me wrong...Mom was magnificent...but had she had this knowledge 25-30 years ago...I'm afraid the tables woulda turned and me and my siblings woulda only gotten outta the house for an hour and a half a week...on Sundays...to go confess all the sins we committed while under Alcatraz Solitary Confinement type situations...NOT that she was strict...but you can see what kinda Game Changer this sorta info woulda been...bad enough we had to sleep during the day as it was...I coulda grown up covered in enough crap to look like a walking candy bar...crocodile dung contraceptives...ya know why this idea didn't stand the test of time??? Sometimes intelligent ideas like this are technologically premature...to such an extent they are long forgotten and discontinued by the time their period of profitablility peaks...wanna know how I would expand upon this concept...and turn it into a veritable cash cow...one word...AEROSOL...put that stuff in a can...add an aerosol expellent... and you have a contraceptive body spray that is guaranteed to keep even a death row inmate...with necrophiliac notions...from wanting to copulate with your deceased corpse...everybody could use this stuff...insecure couples worried about the others indiscretion...professional golfers who pull out of competition on Sunday quicker than they do tramps that look like sand traps...(I won't mention any names...but I'll give ya a hint...in case ya don't follow golf...Big Cat...Forest)...that's one guy I'm not too sure this type of contraception would work for...didja see some fo the fugly things he fornicated with...ya coulda smeared them in enough shit to look like the Michelin Man after being masacred with mudpies...and it probably woulda been an improvement...me personally...I don't care how drop dead gorgeous you are...how tantalizing the pole dance was...or how sexy you are in your birthday suit...you show up hopin' to share a new sexual position...smellin' like alligator anus...or crocodile crotch...and all bets are off...I'll fly out the first avenue of escape so fast you'll no longer think of Mercury...messenger of the gods...as a myth!!!
Monday, March 12, 2012
03/12/12
To escape the grip of a crocodiles jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs - it will let go instantly...
Okay...so...lemme ask the most important question that comes immediately to mind...'Who tested this little theory?'...I'm guessin' NOBODY...because the very nature of a crocodiles hunting habits prohibit such an act...especially while displaying the calm demeanor with which the author seems capable of suggesting such an action...crocodiles...alligators...caymans...have existed on this planet millions of years longer than unintelligent lifeforms...like the human meatball who came up with this dumbass idea... what happens when a croc-o-gator attacks it's prey??? Come on...somebody hasta have seen this...even if it was inadvertently while watching a commercial for the Discovery Channel...It grabs with it's jaws...and drags it's soon to be supper underwater...you know...that liquidy shit we humans have trouble breathing UNDER...it then begins what is termed...'a death roll'...rolling it's enormous body...and that of it's victim.. over and over until it...(and by 'it'...I mean your dumb thumb pokin' ass)...stops moving...it then feasts...or simply buries it's catch until it's hungry again...NOW...I doubt very seriously that these ferocious...unfriendly...pissed off reptiles have been living on several different continents of this planet...since before the Cro-Magnon Mudpuppy relatives of the anal wart who authored this survival tactic...crawled outta caves...by backin' off everytime their food put up a little fight...or attempted to gouge a thumb into it's eye...there are certain animals that this technique would be very effective against...but I'm guessin' a gator ain't one of them...look...by now most of you are aware that I have some warped viewing habits when it comes to television shows...Swamp People on Animal Planet...seems to suggest a more reasonable survival tactic when it comes to evading the jaws of a croc...or gator...and it's one that I have adhered to on the few occassions that I have been within 100 miles of known gator habitat...mind you this was long before Swamp People was even a thought for a show about sister-f**kin' in the swamps of the Southeastern United States...if you happen to be in an area that could even remotely be considered habitable to alligators...crocodiles...caymans...or the like...the absolute best survival tactic for evading these creatures...and their massive masticating mandibles...is this...STAY OUTTA THE DAMN WATER!!! Believe me this will work for Sharks... Piranha...or any other carnivorous aquapet too...I really wish these damn T.V. producers would jump on board and shoot some actual reality TV...they already have...or had the programs...I'd like to see on a live feed...I was NEVER more pissed off at television than when the Crocodile Hunter/Steve Irwin died...because it wasn't aired...I watched that guy for years outta morbid curiosity...ya just knew after watching one...just one...of his shows...that this guy wasn't gonna be with us for very long...I NEVER thought it was gonna be from a stab to the heart by a stingray...but I seriously expected him to die from some form of undomesticated animal interaction...I just thought it would be something far more horrendous...like trying to thumb an aligator in the eyeball...there are reasons we don't have certain animals as pets...because they are DANGEROUS...especially to unarmed...anti-intelligent beings... (see uneducated authors of past...present...and future tidbits)...and therefore should be avoided...at all costs...if you want to see a specific animal...up close and personal...visit your local ZOO...that's what they're built for...to capture and maintain a modicum of control over beasts that really shouldn't be held in captivity...here's an idea...might come in pretty handy at some point in the future...if you intend to venture outside the walls of your house...in an environment other than urban...forest...mountains... oceans...lakes...grasslands...(you get the picture)...arm yourself accordingly...because here's the thing... you're likely to encounter wild animals in their natural habitat...and they aren't called WILD because they like to party naked like some co-ed about to be video-taped for voyeuristic volume attributed to the mammory gland region of the upper torso...thumb a crocodile in the eyeball indeed...this thing is already extremely upset with your transgression into/onto it's turf...and it's apparently determined that you'd make a tasty morsel on an otherwise mundane morning...about the only thing a thumb in the eye is gonna do is make things worse...think of it like lighting a match in the darkness of a powder keg room on board a pirate ship...NOTTA pretty picture now is it...if you're gonna go jabbin your digits in the optical openings of anything living...it might behoove you to insure YOU are the BIGGER... STRONGER creature of the two...if by chance you find yourself on the short end of the stick...then something keenly sharper than the opposable digit that enables your dexterity might be in order...like a Crocodile Cutting Katana...or a Gator Gouging Ginsu...and don't settle for the eye...there's enough boot material there for the both of us!!!
Okay...so...lemme ask the most important question that comes immediately to mind...'Who tested this little theory?'...I'm guessin' NOBODY...because the very nature of a crocodiles hunting habits prohibit such an act...especially while displaying the calm demeanor with which the author seems capable of suggesting such an action...crocodiles...alligators...caymans...have existed on this planet millions of years longer than unintelligent lifeforms...like the human meatball who came up with this dumbass idea... what happens when a croc-o-gator attacks it's prey??? Come on...somebody hasta have seen this...even if it was inadvertently while watching a commercial for the Discovery Channel...It grabs with it's jaws...and drags it's soon to be supper underwater...you know...that liquidy shit we humans have trouble breathing UNDER...it then begins what is termed...'a death roll'...rolling it's enormous body...and that of it's victim.. over and over until it...(and by 'it'...I mean your dumb thumb pokin' ass)...stops moving...it then feasts...or simply buries it's catch until it's hungry again...NOW...I doubt very seriously that these ferocious...unfriendly...pissed off reptiles have been living on several different continents of this planet...since before the Cro-Magnon Mudpuppy relatives of the anal wart who authored this survival tactic...crawled outta caves...by backin' off everytime their food put up a little fight...or attempted to gouge a thumb into it's eye...there are certain animals that this technique would be very effective against...but I'm guessin' a gator ain't one of them...look...by now most of you are aware that I have some warped viewing habits when it comes to television shows...Swamp People on Animal Planet...seems to suggest a more reasonable survival tactic when it comes to evading the jaws of a croc...or gator...and it's one that I have adhered to on the few occassions that I have been within 100 miles of known gator habitat...mind you this was long before Swamp People was even a thought for a show about sister-f**kin' in the swamps of the Southeastern United States...if you happen to be in an area that could even remotely be considered habitable to alligators...crocodiles...caymans...or the like...the absolute best survival tactic for evading these creatures...and their massive masticating mandibles...is this...STAY OUTTA THE DAMN WATER!!! Believe me this will work for Sharks... Piranha...or any other carnivorous aquapet too...I really wish these damn T.V. producers would jump on board and shoot some actual reality TV...they already have...or had the programs...I'd like to see on a live feed...I was NEVER more pissed off at television than when the Crocodile Hunter/Steve Irwin died...because it wasn't aired...I watched that guy for years outta morbid curiosity...ya just knew after watching one...just one...of his shows...that this guy wasn't gonna be with us for very long...I NEVER thought it was gonna be from a stab to the heart by a stingray...but I seriously expected him to die from some form of undomesticated animal interaction...I just thought it would be something far more horrendous...like trying to thumb an aligator in the eyeball...there are reasons we don't have certain animals as pets...because they are DANGEROUS...especially to unarmed...anti-intelligent beings... (see uneducated authors of past...present...and future tidbits)...and therefore should be avoided...at all costs...if you want to see a specific animal...up close and personal...visit your local ZOO...that's what they're built for...to capture and maintain a modicum of control over beasts that really shouldn't be held in captivity...here's an idea...might come in pretty handy at some point in the future...if you intend to venture outside the walls of your house...in an environment other than urban...forest...mountains... oceans...lakes...grasslands...(you get the picture)...arm yourself accordingly...because here's the thing... you're likely to encounter wild animals in their natural habitat...and they aren't called WILD because they like to party naked like some co-ed about to be video-taped for voyeuristic volume attributed to the mammory gland region of the upper torso...thumb a crocodile in the eyeball indeed...this thing is already extremely upset with your transgression into/onto it's turf...and it's apparently determined that you'd make a tasty morsel on an otherwise mundane morning...about the only thing a thumb in the eye is gonna do is make things worse...think of it like lighting a match in the darkness of a powder keg room on board a pirate ship...NOTTA pretty picture now is it...if you're gonna go jabbin your digits in the optical openings of anything living...it might behoove you to insure YOU are the BIGGER... STRONGER creature of the two...if by chance you find yourself on the short end of the stick...then something keenly sharper than the opposable digit that enables your dexterity might be in order...like a Crocodile Cutting Katana...or a Gator Gouging Ginsu...and don't settle for the eye...there's enough boot material there for the both of us!!!
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