According to German researchers, the risk of heart attack is higher on Monday than any other day of the week...
...and what is TODAY??? Another Manic Mayan Monday...end of the world for someone today...do me a favor...try NOT and die from a Heart Attack today...cause each and every one of you that does...just serves to prove them right...and i really have NO doubt there is significant data to support this theory...it is the most stressful day of our weekly lives...it is the beginning of a long and arduous work week...the only time MONDAY is a good day is when it is included in a 3 day weekend...in which case TUESDAY becomes MONDAY's bitch...NOBODY likes Monday...ya either hafta get up and go to school...learn a buncha retarded shit that does ya absolutely NO good later in life or in the real world..or ya hafta get up and go to work...do a buncha shit that isn't gonna do a damn thing for ya later in life...or ya hafta go to the babysitter's which isn't gonna prepare ya for anything later in life...and ALL of that STARTS each and every MONDAY...and it's really too bad...because SUNDAY is actually the FIRST day of the week...doesn't make sense I know...you wouldn't think the first day of the week would be dedicated to drinkin' beer and watchin' Baseball...Football...or NASCAR...but it is...hell down south SUNDAY's are Redneck Holidays...especially for 36 weeks of the 52 week calendar...'Ain't nuthin' like some good ol' boys runnin' fast cars into concrete walls...I tell you what'...it just isn't fair I tell ya...confusing really when ya stop and think about it...our week begins during the weekEND...and folks I hate to hafta be the one to tell ya this...but NOT even I have the answer to that one...I've smoked enough medical marijuana to mummify a Bob Marley fan and I still can't figure that one out...what I wanna know is where did these German researchers conduct their study...because here's the thing...if memory serves...a different European study suggested that European people live longer healthier lives because of their taste for alcohol...a glass or two of wine or beer each day supposedly promotes healthier hearts and blood flow...so either they are lying...or too many of them are overdoing it on SUNDAY night...it is funny tho how are professional work weeks are broken up into 5 significant days...MONDAY...which we have already discussed as being the shittiest day of the week...especially if you've recently been a guinea pig in some form of German research...the next day that we single out is WEDNESDAY...affectionately known by many as 'Hump Day'...the middle of the week...the day that pushes us over the hill towards FRIDAY...the all time BEST day of the week...it kicks off the WEEKEND...tells us that we made it through one more tumultuous...tedious...task-filled week...and we deserve to relax and enjoy time to do other things...then there is SATURDAY...the 2nd most popular day of the week...it is the only real day we have off...we know there is all of SUNDAY...but that day has other obligations for many...church...house cleaning...yard work...planning for the week and preparing for that godawful MONDAY mornin'...the only two days that don't get any recognition are TUESDAY & THURSDAY...it's like we know they're there...we wade through them every week like we do all the other days...but we don't give them any respect...they're just like fluff days...something to fill space...NOBODY ever plans anything for a tuesday or thursday...hell even i won't capitalize them more than once...they're like the basthad step-children NOBODY wants...they're the un-nominated supporting actors for the WEEK...like extras that NOBODY recognizes...ya know like when you're watchin' a movie and your focus is on the main characters...you realize there are other people in the background..but ya NEVER pay attention to what they're doin'...they could be spankin' a ring tailed monkey with a meat clever...and NONE of us would catch it...well I might...if the first 5 minutes of the movie don't blow it by giving it all away...it's like if tuesday and thursday were dropped from the schedule...NOBODY would notice...they're like a skinny...freckle covered...red head kid with braces...you know who they are when ya pass them in the hall...but ya can't think of their name and ya NEVER invite them to just come hang out...they're like the Rodney Dangerfield of the work week...they NEVER get any RESPECT...and guess what tomorrow is...it's a tuesday...yay...can't wait...don't know what i would do without it...have one less day to muddle through...I tell ya...but maybe it is better to go unnoticed...rather than be ridiculed like MONDAY is...that damn day is like havin' a pimple right in the crevice of your ass...you know it's gonna hurt to get thru it...but ya go ahead and sit down anyway...maybe we should alter the schedule a little bit...everybody works a 4 day week then they get 3 days off...and we rotate personnel...so that everyone works a different schedule and all 7 days are covered...that way maybe all the days of the week will get their share of ridicule and notoriety...each and every week you'll have a different day that ya hate...and a different one that ya look forward to...co-workers will be forced to join little cliques in order to socialize with people form other walks of life that are on the same schedule...I know...most of ou are shakin' your damn heads...or SMDH...wonderin' why the hell I would suggest such a thing...because of the economic boom it would create...local bars and restaurants will see more business throughout the week...while still enjoying the abundance of WEEKEND guests...local commerce will also see a significant rise in business as people will be more apt to use their 3 days to get the things they need...probably sounds ridiculous...but it works...I've actually seen it in action...that was the lifestyle I enjoyed while employed in the Air Force...at least until the first Gulf War took place...then it was 12-16 hours a day...6 days a week...and on-call 7th day...which usually meant your ass was workin'...they just hadn't decided where yet...we didn't have the luxury of singling out a specific day for hatred or enjoyment...they were all treated equally...they ran together to the point ya didn't know what day it was...they all looked the same and tasted the same...dull...drab...extremely tedious...mind numbing...hell for all I know they were all MONDAY's...the only people unaffected by MONDAY's are the ones currently sitting around Capitol Hill...tryin to figure out how to give themselves another well deserved raise...with our money...or tryin' to figure out how to blow all the excess tax dollars they collect...they don't care what day of the week it is...apparently they weren't in class the day the teacher was giving the lesson on...'Don't write a check with your mouth that your ass can't cash'...and isn't that a real kick in the f**kin' teeth...let you or I write a check that we don't have funds for and see where that gets us...we aren't even allowed to get into debt categories in the 6 or 7 digit range...how many asshole suckin' zeroes do they have behind the first three numerals of our debt figure...enough to get locked up for at least a couple hundred life sentences...but here's the problem with this tidbit being released...it creates panic...much like the misinterpreting historians of the Mayan calendar malady...the more people that read this...the more people that will stress out over it...and as we all know...stress leads to heart disease...heart failure...heart attacks...strokes...hair loss in some cases...these things all need to be kept in mind...because the mind is the most powerful weapon we have...it is capable of creating health hazards as well as curing them...these German researchers may have NEVER even conducted a study at all...they might have just put this information out there in order to create the panic and stress needed to make it come true...remember now...these people gave us the NAZI's...a group of people so bent on world domination that they crafted some very wild experiments...brain melting mind tricks included...there are some of you reading this that know exactly what I am talking about...because you have a form of mental OCD...you catalog this type of information and spend the rest of your day tryin' to Google further information on the subject to see how you can prevent having a heart attack on MONDAY...worryin' about it to the point you have a mild stroke some time later this afternoon...some of you may even develop a heightened phobia of MONDAY's...choosing to spend the next 10 MONDAY's in bed tryin' to beat the odds...NOT realizing that by doing so you're actually doing more to make it probable than you are to prevent it...so RELAX...if you didn't wake up this mornin' feelin' like death warmed over...clutchin' at your chest...and gaspin' for breath...chances are you're gonna be just fine...unless you go out and have an artery cloggin...colostomy bag fillin'...lunch full of lard...in which case all bets are off...show a little respect tomorrow...show up in a toga...give tuesday a new reason to live!!!
