12/2/11

Chimneys used to be cleaned by throwing a live chicken down them...

Well now isn't that interesting...who in the hell came up with the original idea for this in the first place???  At some point in the history of man it was determined that fire alone wasn't good enough...that a closed in space would better contain the heat output from the fire...so houses were built...shortly after it was determined that there also needed to be a vent up above so that the smoke could escape and yet the warmth of the fire could still be enjoyed...and chimneys were added to fireplaces...poking thru the roofs of homes everywhere...this was followed by the need to develop a cleaning system that would remove soot and shit from the inside of the chimney thereby preventing house fires...and somebody climbed a ladder on a nice summer's afternoon...looked down the chimney flue...and thought to themselves...holy crap that needs to be cleaned out...somebody bring me a...CHICKEN...that's what will work...not anything resembling a broom...or a scraper...no...a CHICKEN...bring me a chicken and I will show the world the method behind my madness...I shall embark on a chimney cleaning expedition unlike the world has ever seen before.  What happens if your chicken gets stuck during the whole cleaning process...whaddaya do then...toss in a fox...probably a good thing this didn't catch on as the be all end all of chimney cleaning processes...it could have blossomed and the world we live in today would be a much different place...women the world over woulda been pushing poultry across kitchen floors...drowning poor chickens in the toilet...plunging them into hot soapy buckets of water to do the mopping...street sweepers probably woulda used turkeys since they're generally a little bigger...and could you imagine having to wax the floors at your local Wal-Mart...feathers and chicken feet spinning around at high RPM's...I doubt the shine would be the same...anybody know who the brainchild behind this little invention was???  Nobody???  Me neither...and for good reason...bonehead ideas seldom reward the thinker with any notoriety...no my friends...it is ignorance like this that allows an individuals achievements to be pushed aside and their names stricken from the annals of human history...poor bastard...he probably had some other equally imaginative ideas...like using rocks to clean windows...or applying 80 grit sandpaper to unwanted body hair...some ideas...with the help of advertising and marketing catch on rather well...while others...hindered by ineffectiveness are soon forgotten...just suppose this little idea had worked...how didja get the damn chicken back ut of the chimney...and once exposed what became of the soot covered barnyard bird anyway...was it outcast by the rest of the chickens for changing it's feathers...forced to integrate with the crows...was it subject to other forms of social injustice...forced to sit in the back of the coop...or maybe chickens don't see colors like humans do and it was simply reacquainted with the other white chickens...and produced what we now call Brown Grade A eggs...thereby negating the widely held belief that these brown eggs came from latino bred chickens south of the border...and here's another reason this idea never shoulda been tried in the first place...if Santa can fit his fat ass and a bag of toys down a chiney without so much as getting a smudge on his shiny red suit...a skinny ass chicken hasn't a hope in hell of cleaning out chimney with any effectiveness at all...maybe they shoulda tried an ostrich instead...I'm quite surprised that with all the hairbrained inventions people come up with we don't live in a society where jobs outnumber people to perform them...do yourself a favor this winter...if you have a chimney you can't clean yourself with modern methods...do NOT attempt the chicken in the chimney method...I'd hate to hafta tell everyone I knew the individual who was awarded the Darwin Award this year...and I'm quite certain your family doesn't want that lifelong embarassment associated with the family name!!!   Have a great day!!!

12/1/11

If you eat a bar of chocolate every day for 36,500 days, you'll live to be 100 years old.

There are 2 things wrong with this statement...how many of you were paying enough attention when first reading this tidbit to catch them???  Okay class...if we've learned nothing in all of our travels together...the one thing we should all be aware of is...NOTHING should be accepted @ face value...let's disect this sentence...which altho found under a heading titled Fun Facts...has absolutely nothing factual about it...first of all a bar of chocolate is irrelevant...if you eat anything for the CORRECT number of days you will live to be 100 years old...that was a subtle hint as to item number 2 of errant information contained in the sentence...@ first glance it seems simple enough...365 days in a year...multiplied by 100 years...36,500 days...sound right???  Would you bet your life savings on that equation???  If you answered YES...stay the hell out of the casino's...there's a reason you NEVER have any luck...first of all the average year has 365 days in it...  however leap years have...BRAVO!  BRAVO!...366 days...and how many leap years wouldja venture to guess occur every 100 years???  Anyone???  (100 divided by 4 =...)  25 ring a bell???  SO...our little 'fact' finding mathematician who came up with this statistic...probably ended up taking adult classes to get their GED...or found one safely tucked inside a box of Cracker Jacks...If you eat anything...anything...NOT just chocolate...it can be anything...a grain of rice...half a cow...or peanut butter and naner sammiches...for thirty six thousand...five hundred...and???  25 days...that's 36,525 days...you will live to be 100 years old...on a side note...completely related...43.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot...usually by mental midgets who closely resemble Weeble Wobbles...dressed like Trekkies...HIGH on Stupidity...the other 56.3% of statistics are made up after moments of lucidity...much like the one you just experienced reading the explanation of error above...and here's another statistic...99% of all people who come across that tidbit on their own...without reading this blog post...will do 1 of 2 things...1) Read it...and think to themselves...(Hmm...interesting,,,I did NOT know that...) and go blindly on thru their day...absentmindedly buying a chocolate bar from the vending machine at lunch...or 2) they have a scratch pad of paper sitting in front of them and they're trying to crunch the numbers right now...let's see...I'm 44 years old...I haven't had chocolate every day of my life...so I'm gonna be conservative and say maybe 2 times a week...little more during Holidays...so maybe...eh...130 days a year...that leaves 235 days on average...multiply that by 44...add in the 11 days for leap years lived...total that up...then let's see 100 minus 44...that's 56...multiplied by 365...add 16 for leap years anticipated...total that up...add the 2 totals together...FUCK!  I gotta lotta chocolate bars to eat...should I get white chocolate...milk chocolate...I know...I know...lotsa numbers...lotsa chocolate...and we wonder why the children of today are faced with obesity as if it were an epidemic...our education system has failed miserably...even when it comes to simple math...if you can't get the damn equation right...none of the other shit matters...and yet these grey matter morons are allowed to graduate...post errant material on the internet...compound the issue by mentioning chocolate...thereby manipulating the masses as if they were some kinda hypnotist...into buying candy bars in order to live to be 100...WAKE THE HELL UP...since when has chocolate possessed the powers of longevity and healthy life styles???  We'd have no use for all these dumb ass diet programs if it weren't for choclate...if all it took to live 100 years was the simple consumption of a chocolate bar each and every day...Hershey's would be bigger than Microsoft...we'd have an overabundance of animals...which are all made out of tasty meat...that would be of no value to us...everything would contain chocolate...giving even the dumbest among us a chance to procreate a little genius of our own who could one day make us so very proud with their little flashes of immortality...like say posting something truly BRILLIANT...maybe something like...Oh...I don't know...If you hold your breath until Simon says STOP...we'll both get along so much better...if I didn't know better I'd think this was a quote from old Big Ears/Little Brain himself...but all the words made sense!!!  LOL!!!