11/14/11

Undertakers report that human bodies don't deteriorate as quickly as they used to due to the modern diet containing so many preservatives...

I don't dispute this one bit...even if it's completely made upthere hasta be some truth to it...I don't entirely agree that its a product of too many preservatives ALONE that's causing this lapse in human body decomposition...especially in this day and age...it is a combination of factors which leads to this end result...as I am sure by the end of this paragraph you will all agree to some extent...see the problem isn't just that the FDA...the department appointed by our government to approve all things consumable for purchase by the general public...has allowed farmers as well as big brand name companies to produce produce with more preservatives...it's that they haven't yet put warning labels on food...like they do on guinea pig medicine...I firmly believe that there should be warning labels on all types of food...and food serving establishments...for instance..."eating this product may cause the consumer to feel happy...well fed...and full...temporary side effects may include...IBS...butt mudd so runny not even lime could thicken it up...constipation...CFC disease...(Crammed Full Colon)...long term side effects may include...you dying in your sleep and not being declared dead for up to 2 months...depending on air quality of said death room...and the ability for your great...great...great...great...great...great...great...great...great...great grandkids' kids to view your lifeless body for centuries to come...provided you've opted for the glass encased coffin complete with viewing mausoleum...see it's because of the dumbification...(that's a Dubyaism)...of American society in general...we need warning labels on EVERYTHING...it would be so much easier that way...in all aspects of life...think about it for a second...let's take a different topic for a moment...Sex Education...we wouldn't even need a class for this...just a picture of a naked man and woman...with the appropriate warning label..."Do NOT stick this (arrow pointing to penis)...into that(arrow poitning to vagina)...may cause temporary moments of absolute bliss...the sensation of an eruption the size of Mt. St. Helens...the euphoric aftereffect of a great nights sleep...HOWEVER...long term side effects may include...OFFSPRING...little people spawned from the very depths of hell itself...18 years of excitement...drama...the need for more money to feed...cloth...and care for each one that comes screaming into this bright new world...headaches...attitude...disrespect...arguments...curfews...excuses...  borrowing vehicles...messy rooms...skipping skewl...I mean the list goes on and on...food is no different..  see people need to be warned over and over and over again until the warnings become obsolete...I mean hell if I owned a big brand name food producing establishment I might even come up with my own slogan..."Our food may not be the best...but you'll look better than the Constitution after 200+ years sittin in your box"...they haven't figured out how to make life itself last longer...so as a consolation prize...they load ya up with enough junk you end up lookin like Elizabeth Taylor after a botox injection...Cockroaches, Twinkies...and Coca-Cola...apparently those are the only items required in your backyard...underground... post nuclear survival bunker...the Cockroaches for nutrition...Twinkies for preservation...and the Coca-Cola to remove the rust from the hinges so you can eventually open the door and climb back outta your hole...it's no damn wonder that afterlife human body preservation and modern day medicine go hand in hand...put enough unnecessary junk in the daily food...it will cause new found diseases almost daily...if not hourly...pump you up with enough medications to combat the original disease while causing a plethora of yet unheard of new maladies...and the wheels on the bus go round and round...my favorite part of this tidbit is the use of the term 'Undertaker'...which aside from the WWF hasn't been used in decades...isn't there a politically correct moniker more commonly in use these days....say Mortician...or perhaps Preservationally Challenged Human Body Decomposition Voodoo Experts...I think most of us...myself included...would discontinue eating altogether if we were more aware of what our daily diet consists of... hell even vegetarians aren't safe...vegetarian...most of you are probably unaware...is a word with origins in the Native American tongues...loosely translated it means..."Piss Poor Hunter"...all the herbicides...  pesticides...and aerial sprayed pollutants they use on vegetables turns most of those people into slobbering cabbage headed cramp artists...ever meet one of these idiots???  They always have a cramp of some sort effecting their pristine palaces of putrid existence...maybe it's because they don't eat real food...if we as humans weren't intended to eat other animals they wouldn't be made out of meat...I don't understand the need for preservatives...seems to me there are far more humans then edible animals prepared for consumption at any given time...if the meat at your local grocery store goes grey...you might wanna consider NOT shopping there anymore...it has become evident YOU are their only remaining customer...IDK about you folks but if this turns out to hold water...my loved ones...at least those that depart this planet prior to me...are gonna be Halloween props for generations to come...and at some far distant point in the family tree one of my futuristic relatives is going to come up with the brilliant idea to file a lawsuit against these 'people preserving' produce companies and become wealthy beyond my wildest dreams...either that or humanity will become more overindulgent than it already is...there will come a time when we deplete the worlds consumable resources...in which case your well preserved loved ones may come in handy as a tool for survival...I believe my ass would taste best served in some Cajun Gator Gumbo!!!