12/21/11

15% of all adults secretly bite their toenails....

Well now...this could be viewed a coupla different ways...only 15% of all adults have enough respect for themselves as well as their peers...to keep this nasty little habit hidden...which in turn would mean that 85% of all adults tear into their toenails...teeth bared...in a public atmosphere...much like a gang of gorillas...it could also be viewed as 15% of all adults are agile enough to get their feet in a position the rest of us couldn't do without subjecting ourselves to some medieval torture technique...or that the 'floaties' among us are starting to become a little brighter and more aware of their surroundings when snack time comes around...ya know...I'm all about NOT paying someone else...or purchasing an extravagant piece of equipment...in order to get a job done...especially when there is a cheaper...albeit...sometimes harder method of accomplishing the same task...but for f*cks sake...clippers are $5 or less...you can hold a bottle drive for 2 hours if nothing else...there are certain personal hygiene tasks that shouldn't be attempted using any part of your mouth...toenail...or fingernail removal are near the top of the list...directly behind licking your nether regions clean like some hairball hackin' cat...and followed immediately by...pickin and lickin the body parts of others...even if clipperrs hadn't been invented yet...grab a damn grindstone...sandpaper...whatever it takes...and use a little elbow grease...grind those puppies down...nothing's quite so unpleasant as seeing someone wearing sandals for the first time come Spring...who hasn't even looked at their feet since snow fell...only to witness one of a handful of individuals capable of ripping the top off a 55 gallon drum with their heinous...rock hard...banana peelin'...bunyan covered...bare ass feet...and here's the real kick in the ass...if 15 % of all adults conduct this method of toenail removal SECRETLY...we wouldn't have a percentage based statistic to refer to...apparently you idiots aren't quite out of the public eye when you decide to perform your oral pedicures...wanna lnow the best way to keep a secret???  Shut your damn mouth...if more than one person knows a secret...it's NOT a secret...it's shared knowledge and therefore is exempt from SECRET status...that has got to be one of the most misused words in the english language...we have SECRET societies...really???  If they're so secret how come we know about them???  we have SECRET documents...that several people are privvy too...yet can't seem to be shared by the organizations working together...FBI...CIA...DOJ...BATF...ring a bell???  We  have SECRET codes in order to transmit messages containing highly sensitive material instantaneously...rather than using a documents courier...but if they were truly SECRET codes...the dumbasses recieving the messages wouldn't know what the smartasses sending them were saying...what this really boils down to is this...out of every 100 co-workers you encounter...15 of them have the dreaded condition known as anti-clipper consumption craving...theres GOOD NEWS tho...a new medical breakthrough has just revealed a cure for this condition...approved for OTC sales by the FDA...it goes by the brand name...SUPERGLUE...apply generously to the red outer protusions of the oral orifice...clamp tightly shut for approximately 30 to 60 seconds...problem solved...habit cured...side effects can include...dry mouth...lack of communication...hunger pains...starvation...and in rare cases death...should NOT be taken by those who are pregnant...or expect to become pregnant this Friday night by copulating with the first person to buy you a drink...consult a physician if you have an eating disorder...as this product may interfere with current prescriptions or dietary measures implemented to assuage said eating problem...do NOT take if you are currently taking medication for ED...are undergoing PMS...or suffer from a dripping lesion you just had tested for STD's...avoid applying more than is necessary to securely shut the orification opening of the effected individual...STOP applying glue if you become faint...have dizzy spells...start seeing spots...have halluinations due to lack of nutrition...or if you think you've seen the light...I would hafta think twice about even shaking the hand of one of these toenail munchin'...technologically tainted tater puffs...they probably wipe their asses with that hand...haven't been down the toilet paper aisle at the local grocery in generations...you can usually spot these nasty bastards a mile away...they have nostril hair that grooms neatly into the mustache...as if it all sprouted from one follicle...deep inside the dark recesses of the nasal cavity...or enough hair pouring from their auditory openings to double as earmuffs under even the most extreme antarctic conditions...penguins envy these prodigies...they wander among us sporting a uni-brow so thick it looks like the grille off a rusted out old '53 Buick...their fingernails are so long and yellow werewolves tremble in fear at the sight of them...they have the body odor of a mud waddling...gas passin'...water buffalo that they try to mask with something that ends up offending the senses and turns the putrid vapor of the musky mammory glands of a mollusk...they create enough natural pomade to make the movie Grease seem like a gentle euphamism...homeless people have better hygiene than these half assed whole-wits...I call them whole-wits,,,because half-wits are expected to be sagaciously slower than the rest of us upright...bi-pedal...earth stompers...and they bathe in public urinals...using the cakes like stick-ups for armpits!!!