Durtty Bahstahd

Louis the XIV took only three baths in his lifetime...

Which is why the French were somewhat successful in military campaigns back in the day...their enemies couldn't stand the stench and often fled for their lives...considerin' he only married twice...and had more illegitimate children through several mistresses...it stands to reason that some of them might have been late bloomers...the slow swimmin crusty kind...left behind by previous naughty midnight nips at the junction of sinful nectar...I mean seriously...the guy married twice and slept around like he had amnesia and couldn't find his own bed...and all of this while presenting what had to be the most putrid stench known to man...3 baths in a lifetime...and he lived to be what...somewhere in the neighborhood of 77...78...that's once every 25 years whether ya need it or not...maybe this is where brie originated from...dank...nasty...moist...lumps of fat ass flesh rolls full of aged body brie...can you imagine the bath water...hadta damn near turn to mud the minute he fully submerged...whaddaya chisel your chin cheddar off with after 25 years...all those layers of epidermal edam...just waitin' to be spun into a wheel...I mean I've heard of women sleepin' their way to the top...but COME ON...how do ya bed a guy that smells like buck bait and doe urine on a hot summer's day...that doesn't make any damn sense...I make Clydesdale's cry and I don't have that kinda power over women...I could understand it if he were married to an ancient Egyptian with a bull dung diaphragm...all's fair in love and war and what-not...but ta just let the King of France pull down his pants...and start sharin the Royal salami...without first soakin' it in a vat full of vinegar...that's gotta be like stirrin' all the different kinds of pudding with the same spoon...then whaddaya got...somethin' that comes out lookin like tapioca and butterscotch...smells like French Feta...and isn't Gouda 'nough to join the Musketeers...seriously...there's a line that hasta be drawn...much like bath water...on a daily basis...otherwise we don't even share the same airspace let alone a sashay thru the satin sheets...somethin's gotta be wrong with your damn head...to crawl into bed...with somethin' that wreaks...worse than cheese from the Greeks...I mean establish some rules for yourself...like...if it smells like ass...you might wanna pass...if it stinks like the sewer...act like ya never knew 'er...(for the ladies)...it doesn't matter how well he's hung...if he wreaks like 12 year old dung...if he has barnacles on his balls...STOP answerin' all of his calls...if it smells like shit...it's a good time to quit...if she attracts flies...when she opens her thighs...NO perfume can disguise...that heinous little prize...if it looks like a churn...you know goin' in it's gonna burn...if he smells like somethin' died...take a pass on that pony ride...if the smell makes your stomach curl...skip your date with that special girl...if it wreaks like mushroom wine...stand your ground, don't cross that line...if it looks like a decapitated little thumb...it probably won't even get ya numb...if it looks like a bottomless pit...it probably has vipers and poisonous shit....personal hygiene people...that's where it's at...Why do you think animals sniff each others asses???  WRONG...it's because they don't have hands to shake with...how the hell do you go that long without at least gettin' stuck in the rain...I'm pretty damn sure that if we didn't enjoy indoor plumbin'...I'd live within walkin' distance of a stream if nothin' else...good lord...I'd hafta at least play around in a mud puddle every time it rained...I don't see how the hell you could be around somebody like that without eventually inventing your own tag line..."Hey dipshit...this TUB's for you!"...I mean seriously...you go a day without bathin' around me...and I'm gonna let you know about it...we don't play that shit on this side of the pond...you either learn how to scrub your pits...or you keep your ass parked on your side of the planet...little white flag flyin'...sour smellin'...save me...save me...sissy mary...sons-a-bitches...and learn to shave while you're at it...YOUR WOMEN...that's the whole reason we have idiots of our own huntin for Bigfoot...ya International problem causin'...societal misfits...it's NO wonder you got invaded by Germany...hell...according to past history and this little tidbit...all you'd need to invade and conquer France is a couple bars of soap...and maybe a cheese grater to get thru the first couple layers...okay...lemme see where were we...I had to take a little break...it's almost 8pm and it's still hotter than a mad bastard up here...couple more days of this oven-fried weather and I'll be suitable for overseas travel to the Eiffel Tower...which translates into Awful...in case you were wonderin'...the sweat rollin' off my body looks like the French fleeing during WWII...taking any avenue of least resistance...and here's the kicker...I love this shit...and although I don't buy into this apocalyptic end of the world in December/Mayan Calendar Prophecy bullshit...but there is one thing I hope has a little truth to it...I wouldn't mind a little tectonic plate shifting and global repositioning...becoming an Equatorian would be a helluvalot easier if the planet co-operated...I mean come on...we've paid our dues up here in the North...haven't we???  I'll bet it doesn't get this hot in France...otherwise they'd NEVER bathe...they'd think sweat was some sorta self-cleaning solution...me...I think I'm gonna go stand waist deep in Lake Charlevoix...teabag a few trout...and watch the sun go down...it's supposed to stay in the 80s and 90s tonight...so keep your kids away from my front window...as there''s likely to be an anatomically correct...life size Kevin doll strollin' around sans 77 year old stench...or clothing...me and the boys'd be swingin in hammock if I new there wouldn't be news crews here in the morning...Have A Merry Monday!!!