ASHES TO ASHES!!!

Your ashes can be made into lead for a pencil that will be used to draw your portrait...

Well isn't that just ash-holish...who in their right mind would consider this as an option...HELLO...you're gonna be DEAD...that's the ONLY way to convert your body into ashes...what the hell good is a portrait going do be to YOU...DUMBASS...your ashes can also be used for kitty litter...but ya don't see alotta people heralding that little tidbit around now do ya???  And for damn good reason...gonna be awful hard to explain to little Johnny why Grandma is currently being clawed around to cover cat shit...same thing applies to a portrait...how the hell do ya hang that myriad of morbidity on your wall and let people see it...WTF are you gonna say...I mean lookin at an urn is disturbing enough...havin' Grannies ashes representing her saggy aging flesh folded face has gotta represent some serious issues...I get wantin' to keep a memento of the deceased...it's how we keep them alive...it establishes who we are as a family unit...it helps us get through the grieving process and allows us to pass things on from generation to generation...but I would think the last thing you would want to do with the ashes is have a pencil made for your lead based lithograph...I mean seriously...let it go...we have digital cameras and crap nowadays...we barely use lead pencils beyond our high school years...try signin a check or credit card receipt with one and see where that gets ya...and here's the thing...whaddaya do with the left over pencil...do ya draw more morbid mug shots of Granny and her finer features...hair in curlers...and NOT just on her head...but her chin too...you gotta be one warped puppy to go painting pictures of the deceased with the ashes they left behind...I wouldn't mind havin' my own body converted to ashes when I pass from this once pleasant planet...but I want it done the old fashioned way...like a Viking...wrap my ass in burlap...builda floating funeral pyre...get all of my family and friends together...three bong hits and a shot of booze for each of ya...a bow and a quiver of arrows...douse me in whatever fuel source you can find...high octane grain alcohol is preferred...but if we're pinching pennies...gas will work...if it hasn't climbed above $500 a gallon by then...shove me out to sea...or a lake will be fine...I'm gonna be DEAD remember...don't pay too close attention to the particulars...light up some arrows and see which of you bong hazed...cross eyed archers can set me afire...do me one favor though...have a boat and a match handy...just in case ya run outta arrows before the blaze catches my water craft afire...I don't wanna be floatin around like fish food for years before somebody discovers me...cooks me up and makes pencils from my kerosene soaked carcass...I swear some of the things people come up with...kinda makes ya wanna weep for the entire race don't it...yeah me neither...I really don't care what a person does with their flesh sack once they are done using it here on Earth...makes NO difference...bury it under six feet of soil...erect a monolithic monument...a mausoleum...a pyramid...burn it...cut it up...put it in stew...have your cannibalistic cauldron of crazy assed cousins have a feast for the ages...it's yours do what ya want with it...but I'll tell ya this...if you have it converted into ashes and crafted into a morbid picture you expect me to hang on my wall...don't be surprised when that wall happens to be in the attic...cuz that shit ain't gonna fly down in the family room...and on that note...Imma go watch the rest of Game 4 of the World Series to see if the Tigers can save me from losing a bet on Facebook...because I really don't wanna hafta change my profile picture to a big GIANT orange SF emblem for a week...that would suck worse than being forced to root for Tony Romo...who I would immediately nominate for the deceased crayon connection...that guy sucks so bad I'm surprised his helmet doesn't just cave in...have a great day...Momma I hope you enjoyed going to the game last night...musta been your fart that pushed Cabrera's ball over the right field wall for the two run homer...BRAVO!!!