03/12/12

To escape the grip of a crocodiles jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs - it will let go instantly...

Okay...so...lemme ask the most important question that comes immediately to mind...'Who tested this little theory?'...I'm guessin' NOBODY...because the very nature of a crocodiles hunting habits prohibit such an act...especially while displaying the calm demeanor with which the author seems capable of suggesting such an action...crocodiles...alligators...caymans...have existed on this planet millions of years longer than unintelligent lifeforms...like the human meatball who came up with this dumbass idea... what happens when a croc-o-gator attacks it's prey???  Come on...somebody hasta have seen this...even if it was inadvertently while watching a commercial for the Discovery Channel...It grabs with it's jaws...and drags it's soon to be supper underwater...you know...that liquidy shit we humans have trouble breathing UNDER...it then begins what is termed...'a death roll'...rolling it's enormous body...and that of it's victim.. over and over until it...(and by 'it'...I mean your dumb thumb pokin' ass)...stops moving...it then feasts...or simply buries it's catch until it's hungry again...NOW...I doubt very seriously that these ferocious...unfriendly...pissed off reptiles have been living on several different continents of this planet...since before the Cro-Magnon Mudpuppy relatives of the anal wart who authored this survival tactic...crawled outta caves...by backin' off everytime their food put up a little fight...or attempted to gouge a thumb into it's eye...there are certain animals that this technique would be very effective against...but I'm guessin' a gator ain't one of them...look...by now most of you are aware that I have some warped viewing habits when it comes to television shows...Swamp People on Animal Planet...seems to suggest a more reasonable survival tactic when it comes to evading the jaws of a croc...or gator...and it's one that I have adhered to on the few occassions that I have been within 100 miles of known gator habitat...mind you this was long before Swamp People was even a thought for a show about sister-f**kin' in the swamps of the Southeastern United States...if you happen to be in an area that could even remotely be considered habitable to alligators...crocodiles...caymans...or the like...the absolute best survival tactic for evading these creatures...and their massive masticating mandibles...is this...STAY OUTTA THE DAMN WATER!!!  Believe me this will work for Sharks... Piranha...or any other carnivorous aquapet too...I really wish these damn T.V. producers would jump on board and shoot some actual reality TV...they already have...or had the programs...I'd like to see on a live feed...I was NEVER more pissed off at television than when the Crocodile Hunter/Steve Irwin died...because it wasn't aired...I watched that guy for years outta morbid curiosity...ya just knew after watching one...just one...of his shows...that this guy wasn't gonna be with us for very long...I NEVER thought it was gonna be from a stab to the heart by a stingray...but I seriously expected him to die from some form of undomesticated animal interaction...I just thought it would be something far more horrendous...like trying to thumb an aligator in the eyeball...there are reasons we don't have certain animals as pets...because they are DANGEROUS...especially to unarmed...anti-intelligent beings... (see uneducated authors of past...present...and future tidbits)...and therefore should be avoided...at all costs...if you want to see a specific animal...up close and personal...visit your local ZOO...that's what they're built for...to capture and maintain a modicum of control over beasts that really shouldn't be held in captivity...here's an idea...might come in pretty handy at some point in the future...if you intend to venture outside the walls of your house...in an environment other than urban...forest...mountains... oceans...lakes...grasslands...(you get the picture)...arm yourself accordingly...because here's the thing... you're likely to encounter wild animals in their natural habitat...and they aren't called WILD because they like to party naked like some co-ed about to be video-taped for voyeuristic volume attributed to the mammory gland region of the upper torso...thumb a crocodile in the eyeball indeed...this thing is already extremely upset with your transgression into/onto it's turf...and it's apparently determined that you'd make a tasty morsel on an otherwise mundane morning...about the only thing a thumb in the eye is gonna do is make things worse...think of it like lighting a match in the darkness of a powder keg room on board a pirate ship...NOTTA pretty picture now is it...if you're gonna go jabbin your digits in the optical openings of anything living...it might behoove you to insure YOU are the BIGGER... STRONGER creature of the two...if by chance you find yourself on the short end of the stick...then something keenly sharper than the opposable digit that enables your dexterity might be in order...like a Crocodile Cutting Katana...or a Gator Gouging Ginsu...and don't settle for the eye...there's enough boot material there for the both of us!!!