The oldest piece of chewing gum is over 9,000 years old...
While that is an interesting morsel of information...it leaves one very obvious question unanswered... has it been used or is it still in a wrapper...because honestly...any wadded up piece of bubble gum stuck to the underside of a classroom desk will look like it's 9,000 years old...wanna test this little theory out??? Who has been given credit for inventing chewing gum??? Here's a hint...it wasn't some ancient Egyptian mummy...or other worldly being from the times of antiquity...it was John B. Curtis or Thomas Adams in the late 19th Century...depending on who you ask...which pretty much kicks a wide hole in the ass of this information doesn't it...prior to this invention indigenous people around the planet found plant matter and material to use for their mind numbing monotonous masticating habits...the Greeks called their material Mastiche which they derived from the resin of the Mastic tree...NOTTA gum...but a ball of resin...the Mayans sucked on sap from the sapodilla tree and chewed on it laboriously throughout the day...now IDK about the rest of you folks but if my Juicy Fruit tasted like nasty old tree sap I doubt very seriously they would retain my interest as a gum chomping connoisseur...I am personally amazed at the lengths people will go to in order to dream and drum up a new idea...at some point in human history...apparently across several ethnicities the village idiot of the bunch decided to stick tree sap on their tongue...what would possess a person to do this... common sense should be enough to indicate that the viscosity of the fluid emanating from a tree is much thicker than water...so it wasn't in an attempt to quench thirst...which I could understand...even if I couldn't accept it as plausible...you know what causes animated creatures to take such actions??? Curiosity...for the most part...especially early on...when ignorance was a blessing...and technology didn't interfere with ill-advised research and discovery practices...most of these people had one thing in common...even the native North American Indians that chewed on sap from spruce trees...the desire to find mind or mood altering substances in nature...they knew what animals could provide valuable life sustaining food sources...they were also aware of what kinds of vegetation were edible and which were toxic or poisonous...STOP for a second and think about that...let's take one group from the above mentioned list...what is the stereotype associated with native American Indian tribes??? That's right...they are most commonly linked to being the earliest peyote eating alcoholics on this continent...it goes without saying that peyote was more prevalent in tribal settings than alcohol before settlers arrived on the eastern seaboard...and how do stereotypes come into being??? through the obvious and repetitive actions of a given group within a society...they are famous in the modern era for bringing bows and arrows to a gunfight...losing said encounters on the battle field and being granted massive amounts of land that they can live on outside the laws that affect the rest of us...you and I do NOT apply stereotypes to them...THEIR ACTIONS do that all by themselves...so one would be safe in assuming that the invention of gum resulted from the haphazard search for hallucinogens...either that...or Pocahontas dropped the papoose causing Little Feather to have a head injury that wouldn't be recognized until he was found foaming at the mouth beneath a sap secreting Spruce...and guess what??? That isn't even the worst part of the scenario...the gum chewing champion of misinformation that elected to defile their family name by submitting this abundance of ignorance...has no excuse for existing...any gum chewing goofball with Google coulda figured out the facts with five minutes of research...which brings me to the dismantling of yet another common household phrase..."It takes a village to raise a child"...what horseshit...it is the responsibility of the additional villagers to persecute the idiots among them and remove them from the collective gene pool...as soon as villagers discontinue raising ignorant offspring that drink from a well familiar to only one family...then DUMBASSES like Dubya won't have the opportunity to murdelate words...facts and opinions...wake up people...witnessing an idiot in the wild is a prime opportunity to get on board with my...Banish the butt nugget breathers program...I mean seriously...who on Earth has ever heard of a..."Survival of the fittest" format...that involves facilitating excuses for saving those that have fallen off the damn turnip truck...perhaps it is a blessing in disguise that I do NOT have political aspirations...I can't imagine what it would be like to live on a planet where everyone was required to have an IQ equal to or higher than their age!!!
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