11/28/11

On average 100 people choke to death every year on ball point pens

Another group of pedestrians setting a great example for abstinence...I'm not sure what's more baffling...the fact that many morons shove a ball point pen that far down their gullets they can't hack it back up...or that there are still that many people actually using ball point pens in this day and age...I guess 'using' would be a fitting term...considering ball point pen masticators fall somewhere near the bottom of the ladder when it comes to oral asphyxiations causing death...who woulda thought that sword swallowers had a greater life expectancy than Betty 'the Bic' Borokovsky...you know the Russian beet farmer's wife turned porn queen...  how damn dumb do ya hafta be to have 'choked to death on a ball point pen' mentioned in your obituary...we either need a new and seperate insurance available for those with an ink fetish...or we need to start airin nothing but reruns of MacGyver...who as I am sure we're all aware would find away to use a part of that pen to poke a hole in the obstructed airway in a mere matter of seconds while freefallin from 30,000 feet...tied to a Sherman tank...headed for the middle of the ocean...and still have time to work himself free...strip the poor ballpoint pen choking subject of all their clothng...fashion a parachute and guide them all to a safe...soft landing on a deserted island...perform emergency Bic removal surgery...tear off a piece of iron from the tank...etch a message into the metal with the business end of the phlegm coated pen...use an empty shell casing as a botttle...fold the metal to fit...and launch it into the sea...thereby ensuring their safe retrieval from deserted island and allowing the dumbass who's life he saved the opportunity to off themselves using something bigger like a Sharpie...and where by the way...is the little WARNING/DISCLAIMER label our everchanging society has become so dependant on..."Improper usage of the ink filled writing devices contained in this package...up to and including...oral copulation...may result in the untimely death of those involved"  I can't believe somebody's relatives haven't reaped a financial windfall from one of these accidents...am I to believe that the individual who sued McDonald's to the point they serve frozen coffee was somehow NOT intelligent enough to realize coffee is supposed to be served HOT...yet the assbag who chokes on a pen was somehow supposed to KNOW not to put long undigestible plastic tubular things down their throats...that's just hypocritical...you can't expect one breed of ignorance to out trump another...that's one point Ms. Gump got dead on...'Stupid is as stupid does'...and even her quick footed...slow minded... muddle brained...soon to be shrimp boat captain of a son knew better than to go shovin ball point pens where they don't belong...people...people...people...if you know somebody who makes dumb blondes seem like Einstein clones...do us all a favor...mount a pair of scissors pointing skyward on their treadmills...and paste a big sign saying "DON'T RUN HERE!"...just above it...should help put an end to at least 99 out of 100 ball point pen swallowing accidents yearly...I mean seriously...by 3rd grade...well maybe 5th for some of the slightly slower crowd...you should have a pretty good grasp on what falls into the NOT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION category...and if not then perhaps a remedial writing class is right up your alley...I'm often reminded of movies like 300 at times like this...at least they had the common sense to toss the slow ones over a cliff...eliminating the post natal pen swallowers before they became an ever present societal snafu...I'm pretty damn sure if the fine people at BIC intended for dimwitted dipshits the world over to nibble on their products they woulda came out with flavors...the absence of taste doesn't constitute a diet formula for methods of writing munchers to embrace...I mean holy shit...I don't run around the grocery store looking for plastic coated peas because I left my favorite chew toy in my pen cup at work...here's an idea...snak pak's...they're tasty...taken in moderation they fill the void between breakfast and lunch...or lunch and dinner...contain no plastic suffocating pieces (if you stop at the spoon and don't lick the cup to the point of creating another life threatening problem)...and believe it or not...register just slightly above ball point pens on the calorie counter...not too mention...'died of a snak pak attack' ...sounds significantly better than..."I bought the farm by performing fellatio with a small black BIC"!!!   LOL