12/13/11

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue...

That is ridiculous...I've NEVER gone to the gym and found an exercise machine for the tongue...they don't exist...you don't see people pushing cars that ran out of gas down the street with their tongues do ya???  If it were the strongest muscle in the body we wouldn't need arms and legs...or a body...we'd all just roll around on our heads...I don't know about you folks but I can easily lift 50+ lbs with either arm...I can't even manage to properly scream in pain if I have 50+ lbs sitting on my tongue...now it may be one of the sharper muscles in the body...able to spit out words that cut like a knife...but as far as being of any use when it comes to actually performing a task requiring brute strength...it's about as useless as Tony Romo is at the quarterback position...(see last nights game against the Giants)...funny side note...I called that game several hours prior to kickoff on my fb status...claiming that Tony Romo and the New York Giants would find a way to defeat my Dallas Cowboys...I even went so far as to say that I would take Lucy from the Charlie Brown comic strip...over Romo as a quarterback...at least you knew she was gonna move the ball...and was I right???   Without question...so much so That I pinpointed the exact play that changed the game and gave New York the opportunity to turn an impending defeat into a narrow victory...and who was the genius behind this play...Tony...I can't complete a pass to my receiver when he's so open they gave him his own zip code...Romo...a 3rd down incompletion with just over 2 minutes to go in the game...when a simple first down would have allowed them to run out the clock and claim victory...(sorry...momentary adult A.D.D.)...and do you think he heard a word I had to say...utilizing the Titan of all muscles...my tongue???  Ever seen these mindless mortals who walk the earth looking like Grandma Moses' pin cushion...more piercings than flesh visible...they look like a Pin-The-Tail-On-The-Donkey reject from your childrens last Birthday Party...next time ya run across one of these absent of intelligence individuals plodding along thru life...stop them and engage them in conversation about their personal choices of anatomical accessories...if they're stabbed with enough pointy objects...find out if they have a tongue piercing...when they stick it out to show it to you...utilize your cat like reflexes...reach out and grab that damn thing and give it a nice hard yank...I'll lay a weeks wages that little 'Wannabe a Warrior' cries like a little baby back bitch...I'm pretty sure they won't even be able to formulate a notion..in that tiny little pea brain of theirs...as to how on earth they're gonna get out of this situation...let alone jerk back with their tongue...exercising it's enormous strength...resulting in your fingers snapping from the sheer force of the incident...NOBODY enters the Strongman Contest...takes the stage dressed in Speed-o's...and stands around droppin different poses to flex their tongue...wouldn't you think that if a body's muscle tone and structure were equally effected thru an individuals use of steroids...that we would have a plethora of wickedly huge...abnormally large...flat foreheaded...no neck...muscleheads...polluting the planet with speech problems that would make 'Ahnuld'...Governor of California...appear to have mastered the English language with honors...spouting out masterpiece monologues like..."Ah'll be back"..."Get to de choppah nowah"...I mean c'mon...Gene Simmons woulda ended up a tongue tied sideshow freak for Barnum & Bailey...instead of the biggest Rock-n-Roll sex symbol of the 70's and 80's...if this were even remotely true don't you think for one minute that somebody with the mental aptitude of Stephen Hawking...a world renowned quadraplegic genius...would have found a better mode of transportation than the confines of a wheelchair...the problem with this little tidbit is that strength is often defined and determined thru visible feats of unimkaginable performance...a characteristic unassociated with the human tongue...I doubt very seriously that thoughout the course of human history anyone has ever encountered another individual who makes them stand idly by...mouth gaping open like the Grand Canyon...gawking in complete amazing disbelief at the abnormally gigantic...well defined shape of their tongue...NOBODY goes to the gym...and during the course of their workout...looks at their weightlifting partner and says..."Holy shit...didja see the size of that guys tongue...'I sure wouldn't wanna piss him off in a dark alley'...me neither...I don't know what would be more embarassing...having people witness my fleet footed escape route from Tommy with the Tongue of Terror...or reading about how I got my ass 'licked' by the Tantalizing Tongue Twister Champion of Toledo...No folks...if the tongue were indeed an item of brute strength...capable of striking fear into the hearts of others...none of us would outgrow the childhood pasttime of sticking them out at everyone we meet...thereby validating our existence as someone to be reckoned with...instead of evolving into the pacifistic sort who generally keep their opinions and comments to an audible level only those in the immediate vicinty can enjoy!  Mark my words...do NOT lend creedence to this misinformation by enlightening others with it as undeniable fact...keep in mind that doing so would only give credit to the idiots among us who are capable of mangling and morphing words known to exist in the english language into something completely incomprehensible to the rest of us unedumacatable bipedal beings...and Dubya would be their savior!!!