12/28/11

The oldest documented footwear found was an 8,000 year-old sandal found in a cave located in Missouri...

So...was it the Aztec people who originated in Missouri and migrated to Central America...or was it backwards assed...single toothed...overall wearin' hillbillies that were here first...abducted by aliens...transported to Central America...educated by the Annunaki...and historically given credit for establishing one of the greatest empires of the Central American civilizations...for my sake I hope it was the first one...I'd hate to hafta admit that all my ramblings about the sophisticated...tin-foil toting...U.F.O. spotting...Sasquatch hunting...addlepated societies most commonly located in the Southeastern quadrant of the good ol' U.S. of A. were actually the truth telling...all intelligent...saviors of the universe...holy crap...that would be a catastrophe...the year is 2013...the Mayan calendar proved to be a precise countdown clock for the Apocalypse...several shaved-head...robe-wearin'...Kool-Aid consuming cults have cropped up in the tattered remains of every major metropolis...all of them trumpeting the teachings of the post-apocalyptic pundit...Ternada Timmy...the Sagacious Tsar of South Carolina...who at the age of 7 gave up the prestigious pasttime of Poltergeist Hunting for the more austentatious career choice of Foreseeing the Future...having perfectly predicted the events of the past 10 years leading up to this event only months after they actually happened...it would be a disaster...it's much more plausible...not too mention easier to swallow...for me to believe the forefathers of the Aztec tribes once lived in the location now known as Missouri...and were much more prohetic than their Mayan counterparts...envisioning a future for their people that included everything from goin' barefoot to inbreeding...and eventually elected to travel further south in order to protect their bloodlines from the inevitable co-mingling of un-intelligent immigrants that would one day inhabit that think tank of 'Modern Technology involving anything more complicated than puttin batt'ries in a flashlight escapes me'...The one thing I find ironic about this little tidbit is that somebody found an 8,000 year old sandal...in a cave...where today most bi-pedal beings born with the name 'Bubba'...are considered to be shoeless...straw-tooth grinnin'...simpletons...who couldn't spell short-bus...let alone ride on one...now the funny thing is they only found ONE sandal...which leads me to wonder...what happened to it's partner???  Did it erode over the years due to poor craftsmanship...was this one left behind by an Aztec man who at the time was only seperated from his spouse???  Or is this the earliest example of hick-a-billy folklore personified...a well-preserved relic reminding us that in the South...shoes...teeth...as well as sisters...are shared with equal enthusiasm...who lived in caves 8,000 years ago...grunting...groaning...gassy-assed Godzilla hunters...that's who...the Neandrathals and Cro-Magnon human-like creatures...unkempt...unshaven...uneducated...they could barely keep fire going...manufacture rudimentary tools for hunting and that time honored tradition of early Etch-a-Sketch...cave-drawings...I doubt very seriously that Unga-Bunga Reebok...the shoe magnates earliest known ancestor...came bee-boppin' outta the cave one morning and after trodding across a few rough areas of terrain...sat down and drew up the first blue-prints for a new fashionable footwear...it being Missouri...and a cave...it's all too possible that sandal belonged to old 'Spud' the Spelunker...he lost it on an expedition back in the 1800's...Missouri's own...Muddlebrain Mike found it while searchin' for his hair-lipped half-sister Sally who most folks testified was the Southeast's first Sasquatch Sighting...the number 1 had been worn off...Mikey the Muddlebrain was under intense hypnosis from a paranormal expert which resulted in double-vision thereby causing poor Mike to mis-identify 3 zeroes behind that 8...and this my friends bares a striking resemblance to how one mans misguided interpretation of the past can lead to unfounded hypothesis regarding the future...just because you stumble upon some ancient relic...spend thousands of dollars un-earthing it...hire several of the top-minds to investigate it...research it...and determine what it is...doesn't mean you have a single...solitary...shred of evidence anything you postulate is proof positive...sometimes a sandal in a cave...is just...a sandal in a cave...and sometimes an acient time keeping...interlocking wheel...is just...???   That's right...shout it out...you know the answer by now...don't be askairt...it's just an ancient time keeping...interlocking wheel...and just like all time keeping devices before it and after it...what happens when you wind it up...or reset it...it starts all over again...and fear NOT my faitful readers...should I be proven disastrously wrong next year and some life-altering event changes both the shape...texture...and fabric of humanity beyond anything imaginable in Hollywoods renditions of an Apocalyptic future...and we find ourselves existing in an age so dark only coal-miners are comfortable...I will continue to post Tidbits...maybe not from the comfort of my couch and with the ease of a laptop...but I'll leave nifty little novella's scribbled in crayon on every overpass I encounter...if for no other reason than to begin the next cycle of Archaeological Assinine Assesments when some dirt-digging dipshit from the future stumbles upon one of my little epithets...LMAO!!!