02/01/12

A person uses approximately 57 sheets of toilet paper a day...

I can only assume this statistic was developed by a numerologist who has NEVER used a bathroom outside their own house...recent studies conducted personally appear to suggest 57 sheets of toilet paper is the approximate usage per sitting for each individual...all a logcal person need do is venture into a public restroom facility...our fine friends at Wally World should suffice...I can't count the times I've entered one of these fine establishments to conduct a daily constitution only to find that all but one stall is actually serviceable...while the remaining majority seem to be affected by previous poop purveyors suffering from excessive paper removal processes...I normally approach these stall doors in my best S.W.A.T. team tactical manuevers...sneaking up on the closed door...before applying the heel of my boot to gain access...only to witness a pedestial pile of paper protruding skyward in an attempt to achieve altitutdes greater than the seat height of the particular porcelain throne within...this however may be a direct result of the grade of paper being offered...quite often dubbed John Wayne Toilet Paper...rough and tough...doesn't take shit off nobody...this stuff is so thin 57 sheets is the bare minimum required to keep a finger from poking thru at the most inopportune moment...thereby complicating matters for the forlorn soul seeking a solution to his exit strategy...anyone who has gone thru the tedious teachings of toilet training their offspring can attest to the falsification of 57 sheets as a daily statistic...hell I have 2 teenagers living with me...and altho clogging of the commode is no longer a 3 to 4 times a week adventure it goes without saying that the two-ply sheets of double mega-rolls I purchase in packages so big I hafta build a seperate shed just to house them...last approximately half a day...and mind you one attends school while the other holds down a full time job...so it's not as if they are confined here all day...and yet on the few occassions I happen to enter the fecal flushing compartment of our domicile to find a commode clogged with enough paper to make the plunger sprout feet and run...NOBODY seems to recall having left something Paul Bunyan couldn't dislodge with a chainsaw...I'd consider installing a bidet if I didn't think it would result in the necessary incorporation of obtaining flood insurance...however considering the excessive amount of wadded wiping waste currently utilized I doubt seriously attaching a fire hose would be sufficient in delivering the required cleanliness desired by those I share residence with...makes me wonder why the fine folks at GE and Kohler haven't gotten together and designed an internal shitpaper shredder...a combination blender/toilet...Frappe before you flush...put the settings buttons on top of the toilet lid...it'll keep the Floaties from flingin poo all over themselves in a public place...include a Pulverizing Puree option for anything consisting of more than half a roll of TP and something that looks like the foreleg of an African Elephant...problem solved...personally I have NEVER bothered to take an accurate count of 4X4 squares I utilize at any given time while tanking a turd...yet I dare say the female gender uses significantly more than 57 squares a day...as every single trip to take a tinkle requires the individual in question to utilize a handful of wadded wiper material...unless of course you prefer the drip dry technique more commonly reserved for unexpected outdoor adventures...I can't for the life of me figure out where the number 57 came from...it's an odd number with only 3 factors...the numbers 1...3...and 19...so the math doesn't really add up...either a person shits once a day...undoubtedly creating a catastrophic clog that could take weeks if not months to overcome with a plunger...a snake...and several sticks of dynamite...or they go on average 3 times a day using 19 squares per sitting...not quite as daunting...but still excessive...or they go 19 times a day and have an OCD complex about overusage of toilet paper...requiring no more than 3 squares per sitting...DON'T SHAKE THEIR HANDS!!!  They could be using Triple ply...double stacked...industrial strength sandpaper and I guarantee you 3 squares isn't gonna be thick enough to prevent digital penetration of the poop paper...hell some of the manufacturers have even stepped up their game and designed scientific crapper keepers...having grasped and incorporated theories surrounding Black Holes...where the simple act of engaging the flush handle creates an atmosphere from which NOTHING can escape...normally accompanied by the ear splitting sound of a jet engine preparing for lift off...and yet still the problem of over paperlating the toilet in a crap filled collage permeates all earth bound confinement facilities of fecal disposal management...perhaps PAPER is no longer the solution to the situation...and yet there doesn't appear to be another viable medium of butt mudd removal...I mean we can't all go out in the yard for a few minutes after we're done and rub our asses across the lawn like some worm infested housepet now can we...makes for an embarassing moment at next Sunday's church social now don't it...and I dare say you'd be excluded from any neighborhood Super Bowl parties this coming weekend...so ultimately it's up to each of you individually to pre-determine your lower abdominal hygiene tactics...suffer Super Bowl Sunday alone...your lawn will look absolutely gorgeous what with all the new fertilizer...or continue the time honored tradition of wondering how somebody used more paper to procure a clean poop chute than it did to publish millions of copies of War and Peace...may your endeavors of anal cavitatious cleansing provide you the opportunity to explore becoming a respected member of society as opposed to enhancing the outlook sure to fall upon you should you choose ambling anally across the front lawn in an effort to alleviate unclogging the communal caca chamber in your castle!!!