02/02/12

Ghosts transmit an electronic wave when the are around people, which is why people feel goosebumps and their hair stands on end...

OMG...proof positive that I have been wrong about the existence of ghosts...for I must admit I myself have had several occurences where I felt goosebumps rise from my skin...while simultaneously having the sensation of my hair standing on end...little did I know it was the direct result of CGPI...Close Ghost Proximity Invasion...all this time I thought goosebumps were related to the evasive techniques I implored to evade an awaiting vampire...WHEW...what a relief...vampires are at least people like...visible in human form in everything except the mirror...and only NOW will I sleep better at night...I wonder...are humans born with this inherant early poltergeist detection system...or is it something you aquire at the ripe old age of 7...after your optical apparition indicators cease to work anymore...guess my days of watching Ghost Hunters have come to an immediate end...I simply can't justify watching a group of ancient post pre-pubescent individuals...also referred to as adults...plodding around vacant buildings...toting all kinds of ghost detection equipment...in a fruitless endeavor to locate an electronic wave emitting non-entity...when all they really need to do is walk thru and wait for that ever so slight flesh tingling sensation to envelop their earthly beings...ever notice how ghosts seem to alert you to their presence during those moments when you see something that stirs your inner emotions with excitement...or awe...ever notice how ghosts NEVER seem to haunt so much as one square inch of space in the Great Outdoors...wanna know why???   Because they only exist in one place...the simple minds of naive people who firmly believe in the existence of unicorns...dragons...werewolves...vampires...squatches...and Peter Pan...normally these people can be easily identified by the bibs and straight jackets they are comfortably dressed in for their own protection...however...some have slipped thru the cracks and are bound and determined to have their tidbits assassinated by yours truly...you have no idea how much I wish this little ioat of information were true...I'd occupy my mornings with reading nationwide obituaries...fill my afternoons with visits to the decedants domicile to determine their unearthly expeditions and invite them to come haunt my house...I am confident the goosebumps will subside once my first drastically reduced electric bill arrives...how the hell do these helmet heads continue to miss such enormous opportunities...is the interior padding so thick it blocks out external electronic outputs noticeable to the rest of us...here's something the author of this idiocy forgot to consider before submitting this theory for intensive unscrupulous scrutiny...other mammals...aside from humans...also experience goosebumps...porcupines come to mind...poor little quilled bastards...must be surrounded by imaginary individuals...no folks...it isn't the ghosts of skeletons in the closet that cause your hair to stand on end...superglue like hair gel...and STATIC...are the only two ways to get your hair to stand on end...it's sad when you think about it...humans hold out so much hope for there being life after releasing oneself from the mortal coil they will grasp at anything to prove an ethereal existence awaits them...anxiously seeking communication with their deceased relatives to get the inside scoop on the age old question...where do we go from here...well let me enlighten you...the light flickers out eventually...depending on your specific desires you are either interred beneath 6 feet of soil...supplementing diets for an infinity of insects that woulda caused your physical being to erupt in goosebumps mere days ago...or you're wrapped and roasted...and your ashes are then gift boxed in a shiny little shell they call an urn...which look remarkably like the same ash you'd get from burning wood...(see coffin manufacturing material)...the closest you're ever gonna get to talking with the dead...is by listening to that little inner voice that resides in your subconcious...if in fact there is a place for your soul...life force...electronic wave emitting entity to go beyond the realms of earth it is undoubtedly located way beyond the Event Horizon...in the deepest bowels of some time obliterating Black Hole...thereby unavailable for goosebump creating...hair raising...human interaction...the existence of moronic mortals among us is inevitable...arguing logically with these gene pool drowning victims is akin to a set of titties with no nipples...completely pointless...the more I think about it I need to change my current television viewing habits...apparently Cinemax After Dark Series...(PORN)...incorporates an enormous amount of appartional entities...as I often encounter momentary flashes of goosebumps when I witness carnal acts conducted by blond bombshells...whose greatest contribution to the human race seems to be getting every heterosexual male on earth to wonder where in the hell he can get ahold of a woman like that...not too mention damn near all my favorite shows revolve around shit I don't believe in personally...Finding Bigfoot...Ghost Hunters...UFO Encounters...you get the picture...but I must admit...I am a glutton for the goofy ass shit they say on camera without so much as a forethought as to what it might shed light on...why just the other night Bobo from Finding Bigfoot enlightened everyone watching as to why it is so difficult to prove Sasquatches exist with this little blurb...'Squatches are so damn elusive'...ELUSIVE...I couldn't believe my echoing inner ear...ELUSIVE...did that idiot just say ELUSIVE...then it dawned on me...Bobo is a political genius parading around pine forests for profit...his definition of ELUSIVE must be the same as mine...NON-EXISTENT...everybody else watching probably missed the hidden connotation included in this eye-opening Squatch Seeking excursion...it's high time I jump on board with these pariah of phenomenon...hell everybody searching for shit based solely in collective imagination has their own effin TV show...maybe I'll become Animal Planets first Unicorn Whisperer...or perhaps I'll explore the possibilities of unmasking the equally ELUSIVE fire breathing Dragon...I'll pass on profiling Peter Pan...ever wonder why he lived in NEVER NEVERLAND...because neither he or it EVER EVER existed...I swear...if I took the time to dissect and dismantle the absolutely overpowering amount of ignorance these individuals of idiocy proposed none of you would have time to get your work done...and since my phone isn't ringing off the hook with over enthusiastic executives from either Animal Planet or the History Channel...it goes without saying I do not yet possess the financial means necessary to compensate you all for losing your paying position with your current employer while perusing my pompous politically incorrect pontifications about paranormal activity and how it relates to the appearance of pimple like protrusions permeating from your physical presence...so...without anymore adieu...or further gilding of the lily...for the love of god...country...and helmet headed ghost hunters galore...GET BACK TO WORK!!!