02/29/12

The ashes of an average cremated person weighs 9 lbs...

Really??? I see we have a new candidate for carryin' their common sense around in a colostomy bag...let's see what happens when I activate my new Idiot Indicator...>>>...nope NOT over there...<<<...nope NOT over that way either...^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^...oh look...there they are...I hate to be the only one capable of pointing out the facts disputing this claim...but alas...if NOT for me...then who???  What...pray tell...dear author of the assinine assumptions...constitutes an 'average' person...in terms of eligibility for cremation consideration...far too often people of this mindwarping magnitude misrepresent procedural processes when pontificating their pointless attempts to further educate those they consider intellectually inferior...one simple word discredits this dipshits theory on alloted weight measurements associated with ash following containment in the crematorium...CASKETS...those lovely little things made out of WOOD...and what does wood create when subjected to the properties of fire???  ASH...that's right...don't be shy...(extra credit for those who participate...and by the looks of it...there should be so many hands flailing around in the air...I start believing humans can fly)...the bones that are left behind are ground into a powder...let's call it...NOTASH...it is then mixed with the 'ash' and offered in an urn...it is this NOTASH that provides most of the weight one receives as a remembrance...I've often marvelled at the complexities of the human race and the rituals it incorporates into daily life...or afterlife if you will...for instance...Why is it that we feel compelled to keep our dead close at hand???  When you stop for a second to consider funeral proceedings...or cremation processes...they don't make a damn bit of sense when compared to what we do while we are alive...What do we do...on a daily basis...when we are thru with things...when they no longer serve a functional purpose???  We throw them away...or we recycle them...don't we???  (I know what some of you are thinking...'Well we can't just go throwin' dead bodies into garbage cans'...and right you would be...it would scare the hell outta the neighbors)...but seriously...we bury or burn our deceased...and then for some reason...unbeknownst to me...we find it necessary to physically visit the site of our dear departed in order to converse with them...altho all relative scientific studies support the notion...they can NO longer hear us...answer us...or interact with us...I find this to be the one area human evolution has NOT progressed in...it is an ancient archaic method of morbid rememberance...that has been catalogued throughout our history...I think it's about time to change some of these practices...bring them up to speed with the century we find ourselves wading thru...I don't wanna be buried in some hole six feet deep...NOR do I wish to be cremated...my own personal preference is to be STUFFED...that's right...and NOT just stuffed...seperated and stuffed...and then sewn back together...that way you can pick a new pose on a daily basis...have some fun with it...stand me in the cereal aisle of the local grocery store...dress me up as the guy on the LIFE cereal box...hang a sign around my neck...'LIFE...you can't get to where I am without it'...maybe NOT the best advertising slogan...but HEY it's a new system...bound to hit a few snags here and there...I think it would be entertaining to say the least...what with the technology we have today...you could retrofit my corpse with a squawkbox where my sphincter used to be...complete with some of my all time favorite phrases...that way every time some simple minded...stud muffin of stupidity...finds it necessary to open their garbage spewing gullet...and spit forth half thought out ideas that signify their undying ineptitude...you just sit them in a chair directly in front of me...lift my left leg...and out will fly funny shit faster than a fart in a funnel cloud...you know...there's a hunting season for everything but Ignorant Individuals...and after witnessing the other life forms in the animal kingdom...I hafta ask...WHY IS THAT???  Every other species in the known universe...rids itself of the idiots among them...either by Selective Survival methods...or just Absolute Abandonment...the slow ones get left behind for somethin' elses supper...now I'm not suggesting we go cannibal on the kids who can't keep up in the common sense category...but for f**ks sake...we don't hafta keep supporting them...draggin' them along thru life...do we???  I mean how hard can it be...send them to the store...change the locks...shut the door...quick...clean...simple...and safe...I have an idea on how we can quiet down all the Global Warming goombahs...lemme design windmills that slap the shit outta stupid people...get enough of these things in operation and they'll cool the Earth's crust so quickly we'll all be living in igloos by 2020...Einstein once proposed that humans as a race...utilize 20% of the brains capabilities individually...and I have NO doubt he was right...GENIUS...HELLO...however even someone with the genius level of logical thinking one often attributes to Mr. Einstein...he too was capable of incorrect calculations...now if we take Einstein as an example of an individual who operates at full functional capacity...thereby taking every advantage of the entire 20% currently available to us intellectually...it stands to reason that there are those among us who function at a level less than 20%...myself included...I'm guessin' right around the15-17%...wouldn't it stand to reason my counterpart in the collective conscience operates at the outstanding average of 3-5%???  I have a theory of my own...wanna hear it???  I thought you might...so here it goes...1 out of 5 people operates at or above 10%...that means...(the 'ash'hole author of errant arithmetic surrounding the subject of NOTASH included)...4 out of 5 people should probably use eye protection when eating with a fork!!!