03/07/12

The toilet on the space shuttle has a footrest, handholds, a seatbelt and a suction fan...

WHAT???  No 12 billion dollar pen chained to the crapper so they can leave each other lovely little cave drawings...a footrest, handholds...a seatbelt and a suction fan...who knew taking a shit in zero gravity was such a massive undertaking...good lord...I've been constipated before but seldom to the point I would need to utilize a footrest, handholds, a seatbelt and a suction fan...where pray tell does the suction fan eject this poop projectile...into outer space???  I think these engineers are overly obssessed with finding proof of those elusive Black Holes...I get the need for a suction fan...it keeps shit from floating around the shuttle...but what about those poor bastards who have spent their whole lives peeing from a position perpendicular to the potty...whadda they have some sorta automatic milking machine apparatus to keep the urine from misting all over the monitors for Mission Control...and how does this suction fan work...it must create a vacuum when the individual in question pops a squat...otherwise you'd have a commode that slightly resembles a Whack-a-Mole machine at the County Carnival...little brown bastards bouncin around waitin to be beaten back into their hole...so one would hafta assume that the suction is immediate and of an unforgiving nature at the moment of evacuatory exercises...so how much suction is used???  Just enough to leave a hickey on the hiney???  Who guinea pigged this idea???  It sure wasn't any of the Apollo Astronauts...you remember those fella's...the ones who rocketed from earth in an overcrowded capsule...void of any restroom facilities...landed on the lunar surface...conducted several missions over a number of days...and NEVER once found it necessary to relieve themselves...maybe spraying liquified fecal matter all over outer space is the sole reason so many abductees seem to fall back to earth after being fingered...the aliens visiting us are trying to determine who is responsible for these outer space anal offerings...because here's the thing...altho I've NEVER been on a space shuttle...I grew up in a house with 4 other people...and lemme assure you...had we been subjected to using a single toilet without the accompanying sewer capacity required...I woulda been shittin' out in the back yard by Day 2...so unless they have a sewage station floating around that they can dock up to and evacuate their caca compartment accordingly...that shit is floating around somewhere outside the atmosphere...and what about the boys...the berries just below the branch...whaddaya do with those puppies when ya gotta poo...can't just leave them danglin' down there by that suction fan...you might be singin' in a different octave once you find the off button...this little suction shitter is probably one of the reasons we elected to mothball the shuttle program...we're waiting to see what the Russians come up with...like Depends Diapers...simple enough solution...and less costly over the length of the program...sit and shit...then switch your Soilies for some new ones...or here's a novel notion...you're in outer space...zero gravity...right???  Wouldn't it make more sense to mount the caca catcher upside down on the ceiling???  I mean far be it from me to point out the obvious...but that's where I woulda started...and I don't even have a degree in engineering...it doesn't take a rocket scientist to determine that since everything floats in a general upward direction...perhaps the porcelain pedestal needs to be placed in a more appropriate position...I mean holy cow...if ya took that much time designing a comfortable yet confining commode...I can't wait to see the shower...that thing damn near hasta suck the skin right off your skeleton in order to keep your upright walkin ass from drowning in a puddle of your own putrid waste water...and I'll bet they NEVER even thought of using wet wipes for this little task...I'll never...for the life of me...understand the internal thought processes they incorporate when tackling the simplest of situations...let's see...we need a footrest here...some handolds there...throw in a seatbelt for security...and a suction fan for removal of rectal refuse...there...now that we've grossly overrun our projected budget...let's cut some corners and superglue giant blocks of foam down here on the bottom of the shuttle where it comes into contact with the outer atmosphere...it should be fine...a few more sparks upon re-entry but otherwise...as solid as any paper mache project...if you look at NASA's history they don't have a very good track record...lost a coupla capsules early on...followed by a shuttle or two...NOT to mention the lives of those onboard...which makes me wonder...How in the hell did they ever get volunteers???  Missions accomplished have a slight advantage over the ones that failed...I mean these guys fly space ships much the same way I'd imagine a Sasquatch skips boulders across swamp water...without much success...every once in awhile they surprise themselves and all those lookin' on...NOT the best advertising campaign for wannabe astronauts...I mean as much as I would love the opportunity to escape the gravitational forces of earth for an outpost in space...given the half-assed hooligans in charge down there in Texas...I think I'll wait on the Annunaki...because the last thing I wanna hafta utter while sittin' on the shitter during a suction fan malfunction is...'Hey...Houston...we have a problem!!!'