03/22/12

Shock treatment therapy for epilepsy was once administered by electric catfish...

Well thank god I wasn't born an electric catfish...those epileptic can be a scary bunch...I couldn't imagine some idiot with a PHD attempting to attach me to one of these happy go lucky wall bangers while they're in the middle of having a fit...I'd probably shit myself stupid...I have an uncle who is affected by epilepsy...and fortunately for both him and I...I've only had to experience an epileptic episode once in my lifetime...and lemme tell you...even if I had had an electric catfish I wouldn't have known where to put it...he was busy bouncin on the floor and foaming at the mouth...while I was running around in circles like some 2 year old familiar with the pee pee dance...I didn't know if he was faking it...dying from it...or had undergone some rapid transformation known as spontaneous demonic possession...keep in mind I was only 8-9 at the time...still young enough to be branded in the Sunday School fires of Catholicism...  my religious views have changed since then...however I distinctly remeber thinking to myself at the time...God...I don't know what you have planned for me at this moment...but I'm pretty damn sure I'm NOT gonna meet your expectations...half my body wanted to stay and help...while the other half kept heading for the back door...had I attained the age of puberty I probablky woulda pulled a groin and ended up somewhere between my convulsing uncle and the closed back door of Grandma's house...I was traumatized to say the least...we were visiting on vacation...which meant we were double bunked in my Uncle's room...I don't think I slept a wink the whole rest of the week we were up here...I wasn't sure if it was contagious...and I damn sure didn't wanna wake up in the middle of the night to find myself floppin around the floor like some kinda life sized pinata with an electric catfish attached to his face...ya know I tried to castrate a friend of mine in Hawai'i with an electric eel once...I think that poor bastard developed epilepsy...bouncin around like a fish outta water...course he was on the beach at the time...so I guess that makes sense...ya want me to letcha in on a little known secret???  Extermination of unwanted ethnicities was once carried out in over sized pizza ovens...that f**ked up little scientific experiment didn't work out so well either... several survivors of the Hitler's Krispy Kosher Kids are still among us today...and that's NOT necessarily a bad thing...they helped invent copper wire by initiating a Tug-O-War battle over a penny...It is the scientific community that coined the phrase...'If at first you don't succeed...try...try again'...they needed an escape clause for failed experimental endeavors...like thinking an electric catfish possessed the necessary amperage to have a lasting effect on those affected with epilepsy... and lemme tell ya...they have put that phrase to the test...time and time again...the unhealthy individuals among us guinea pig new medicines...and are often subjected to cruel and unusual treatment when submitted to State run Mental Institutions because they don't seem to fit in with acceptable societal behavior methods...trying to cure epilepsy thru the use of electric catfish is akin to trying to cure diarrhea with the insertion of a Q-Tip in the anal cavity...it ISN'T going to happen...NOT on your best day...me personally...I'd rather have a bottle in front of me...than a frontal labotomy...another tried and true mental remedy...it turned 'vegetables'...into drooling human smoothies...capable of watering pocket plants for hours...ya know...when I see really...really old people...you know the kind I'm talking about...they still have their boarding pass for the Ark saved in the bottom compartment of the jewelry box...I always ask them what their secret to longevity is...you know what the most common answer is???  Stay the hell outta hospitals...those places are designed to control the population rate...more people die from medicinal cures than from the affliction itself...think I'm kidding...they've known for decades that the cure for common cancer resides in the ocean...every known species of shark in existence has been subjected to scientific experiments surrounding cancer...the animals are cancer resistant...they have injected every species with several different forms of cancerous material...and yet the sharks have developed an immunity to a disease that affects more people than fish on an annual basis...now why do ya think they haven't been able to locate the gene that makes this possible within the shark???  Because NONE of those little bastards wrap a towel around their head and hide in the middle of Pakisan for 10 years while our country claimed to be searching for him in order to bring a rapid end to the war in the middle east...because I'll tell ya what...if they had...we woulda sent in Seal Team Six...slaughtered the dman cancer eating beast...and located the appropriate gene within half an hour...disposing of any evidence that there was a BODY...within half an hour...and thos eaffected by cancer would be better overnight...sorry epileptics but the same can't be said for your condition...we apologize for the inconvenience...we'll get back to ya when we find a big enough hammer to control the fit throwing episodes...HAPPY HELMETING!!!