Because apparently the Big 3 have decided in their infinite wisdom to eliminate the horn feature from all vehicles sold in the great state of CANYASEE...or maybe it's because their women are so PURRRRTY...hair in rollers...30 kids in the backseat from 18 different fathers...that shiny one toothed grin...gleaming like the rusty grill of a long forgotten Cadillac...that beautiful tent dress billowing out the driver's side window...as they bombard their way down the highway...legs and arms of southern fried spawn flailing out of every available orifice on the car...that poor bastard isn't warning oncoming traffic...he's hopin' like hell she will hit somethin' big and put him out of his misery...why do you think they make moonshine in the Tennessee hills...it's so they can cope with these creatures that Bigfoot Hunters can't seem to find with a flashlight and some well placed..."I'mman idiot lost in the woods at night"...howls...I swear...who the hell is in charge at these places of ill refute...like the Tennessee State Senate...you make a guy carry a loaded gun...on the hood of a car...being driven by a woman...and you want him to keep the business end pointed towards the road??? Where the hell didja come up with that one...didn't put a lotta thought behind passin' that little law didja their dildos...I mean are you serious right now...I've ridden in cars with women before...it's not a pleasant adventure...especially if they are stuck in traffic...and the moon is full...if ya get my meaning...HOLY SH*T BATMAN...I'd rather swim in a pool full of razors for half an hour before rinsing off in a shark tank...I hate to say it ladies...but there are times your gender should be subject to house arrest...like every 28 days or so...for 7 to 10 days...MINIMUM...don't gimme that..."I'm not a menstrual monster"...bullshit either...just because you can stand yourself...doesn't mean the rest of us enjoy tolerating those tantrums that quiet the cacophony of a 2 year old in full turmoil...I mean I get the whole equal rights thing...but there are some among you who shouldn't be employed in certain fields...such as law enforcement...where your crazy one week a month ass gets to carry a loaded weapon...it's NOT fair to the rest of us...we're used to looking at disgruntled postal workers...I have a feelin' that any man riding on the hood of a vehicle in Tennessee...with a loaded shotgun...blastin' off rounds...is tryin to STOP the beatin' in his head from the headache caused by a combination of grain alcohol...and 2 and a half dozen screamin' kids that didn't spring from his loins...it has little to do with her ability to drive...that's why man built 4X4 vehicles...so women could just press the gas...and hope like hell they could get to where they were going without much effort in the shape of steering...why do you think the smart men join the military...so they can surround themselves with bigger vehicles that most women aren't allowed to drive yet...we're scared to death of sharing the roadways with you...(and before any of you start saying..."Hold on...one damn second here...women are safer drivers than men")...let me inform you that there are several residents of the Northern Michigan area...or who were present in this vicinity last weekend...(including much younger...and therefore faster...male relatives)...who will testify that my Momma has a lead foot with a 2 ton steel plate attached to the bottom...I don't wanna say she drove over the speed limit...but bullet trains don't travel that fast across Japan...there are still a few uprooted trees and overturned flower pots near a couple of cemeteries in the surrounding area...she did however refrain from committing self inflicted...bug swatting amnesia...so all in all it was a great weekend...we didn't have any toofless hillbillies hood huntin' heifers up here...which is probably a good thing...because these guys up here are always on the lookout for the next great huntin' idea...and the last thing we need in this neck of the woods is more alcohol related huntin' activities...I think a better idea would be to build women their own roads...then you can all zig zag in and out of traffic with your make-up kits out...blue tooth in...Starbucks coffee cup propped on the dashboard...chit chattin' and gettin' ready for work...while the rest of us get safely from one destination to another without having to honk our horns or drive over pedestrians to avoid runnin' into your safe drivin' selves...who wants to take a trip to Tennessee this weekend and make a few civil arrests??? Any takers??? Buncha party-poopers...off to work with ya then...have a great MONDAY MOANIN'!!!
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