Well of course ya can't kill yourself by holding your breath...and now ya wanna know the rest of the story...don'tcha...otherwise what would today be...just another Tumultuous Thursday...and now for the why factor...BECAUSE people normally hold their breath for one of three reasons...SOMEBODY else in the room FLOATED an unsavory air biscuit...you yourself have a severe case of body rattlin' hiccups...or you're about to go under water...that magical substance made up of Oxygen and Hydrogen...that you can't BREATHE successfully...can't kill yourself holding your breath...which is in fact BULLSHIT...Houdini died while trying to hold his breath long enough to survive...the ocean floors are littered with the bones of shipwrecked passengers and crew...who I dare say went down trying like hell to hold their breath for one more second...ya know what else ya can't do...ya can't kill yourself by using silly string as a noose...it won't hold up...a trip to the local hardware store is necessary to find the right width of ROPE...ya can't kill yourself by overdosing on marijuana...scientifically impossible...ask Bob Marley...ya need FDA APPROVED PHARMACEUTICALS to off yourself successfully...pot just makes ya pass out...or so I've been told...ya get the right kind and it will mess with your memory and change your eating habits for an hour...but you won't hafta worry about waking up in the hospital with a tube down your throat and a nice concoction of prescription medication funneling out into a bucket...ya might wanna dress quickly and make a hasty exit...depending on who's house you wake up in...and whether or not you were invited...most of you may be wondering why I brought up the subject of marijuana as a method of ways ya can't kill yourself...because as I said earlier it tends to screw with your memory...as it just did with mine...smokin' medicinal marijuana is the 4th reason a person holds their breath and yet is unable to commit cannabis sativa suicide...as a matter of fact...hit it too hard and holding your breath alone...will become an arduous task...if ya bogart the doobie and cough out a huge hit...ya might get pummeled to death by the remaining members of the party...but it won't be from HOLDING your breath...instead it will be from the direct result of NOT HOLDING your breath long enough...I've NEVER understood why people would want to kill themselves anyway...what could be that depressing??? I've had some very upsetting and depressing moments throughout life...haven't once thought of killing myself...mighta had fleeting flashes of relevant information like when somebody says..."How's Life?"...and I reply...TAKING FOR F**KIN' EVER!!! but NEVER thought of taking a premature dirt nap...there's too many places on this planet that haven't yet been explored...there's NO way in hell ANYBODY should ever allow ANOTHER individual the comfort and luxury of having that much control over a situation or an outcome...I mean seriously...if you aren't happy with where you are in life...then change the path your on...don't just drop a DEAD END sign and walk off into the afternothing...I call it that because there is NO such thing as an afterLIFE...I'm NOT even religious and I can interpret the Bible...ashes to ashes & dust to dust...means just that...sprang up from the ground...bacteria...and shit from outerspace...and that is what we return to eventually...depending on the rate of decomposition...besides if I'm WRONG...and we can all count on our fingerless hands how many times that has happened...if you kill yourself...and enter into some other plane of existence where you are reconnected with all the friends and family members of the past as well as any from the future...aren'tcha defeating the purpose of killing yourself...you're just gonna get there earlier than the ones who pissed you off...they'll come later...with more toys...and be declared the WINNERS...and then where do ya go...ya DAMN sure can't commit suicide again...CUZ YOU'RE ALREADY DEAD...probably one of the reasons you NEVER call the SUICIDE HOTLINE and get help from a male representative...if they're anything like me...I'm gonna be multi-tasking...coffee...cigarette...ESPN on the Big Screen...chances are I won't even know ya called until I hear sirens in the background...that all depends on how exciting the days events were in the sports world...I've little compassion for people that take this way out...it's COWARDLY regardless of the circumstances...so here endeth the lesson for today class...if something has pushed you this deep into depression...STAND THE F**K UP & FACE IT...trust me...if you weren't meant to be here...we'd find ways to eliminate you ourselves...I hear walking the streets in Florida is all the rage here recently...3 cheers for f**ktards in Florida for mis-interpreting the Constitution once again...Have a Great Day!!!
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