There is a particle called tackyon which is supposed to go faster than light. This means if you fire a beam of tackyon it travels before you fire it...
Ladies and Gentlemen...please welcome back to the stage...our 3 time triple champion here on Jeopardy...Phil the pill popping physics professor...you may recall the last time Phil was on our show he selected the category...Studies in Science and remarkably got every last question completely wrong...the only reason he is here with us is because his opposing competitors were former class skipping-nap takers and somehow knew less about trivia than Dubya did about diggin holes in the desert...let's correct something first...the proper spelling of the word is 'tachyon'...and it is a hypothetical subatomic particle...much like the authors intelligence...non-existant except when supposing situations of superior cognitive thinking...let's say for arguments sake that tachyons are possible...(I won't bother reciting the laws of physics it's mere existence would violate...I don't pretend to understand them...neither should you)...before you concern yourself with building a device capable of firing off a tachyon beam...don'tcha think you might wanna invest a few moments to engineer...design...and build yourself some sort of RADAR that can capture the accurate velocity of this faster than light anomaly...that way dumb ass you can successfully engineer...design...and build a contraption capable of emitting said tachyon beam...because with...or without the laws of physics...one thing remains certain...NOTHING travels before you fire it...I'll bet your Aunt Tar-tar's favorite turnip ain't cha boy...if any type of projectile were capable of travelling before it was fired you wouldn't need to sneak up on shit or use a silencer...I love it when these lab rat losers get together and 'hypothesize' about shit like this...how backwards ass retarded can you be??? LIGHT is the fastest thing we can measure given our level of technology and understanding of the universe...all devices used to measure differing speeds of particulate matter are derived with this principle in mind...and therefore are only useful for capturing sub-luminal speeds...NOT to be confused with subliminal speeds...which according to the statement above leads me to believe...wouldn't work on you anyway...the only thing that moves slower than your internal thought processor is the 'hypothetical' time stopping tunnel possibly located at the center of our galaxy...I'm just stupified that they haven't gone so far as to conduct imaginary studies to determine if the almighty faster than light...sub-atomic particle tachyon...possibly the smallest known 'hypothetical' particle known to man...(excluding Dubya's Dust Collecting Mega-Dome)...has the Mercurial speed necessary to escape the confines of a black hole...the only thing I know of in existence that could even be concievably debated to be faster than the speed of light...is a moment of pure inception within a logical sane mind...an idea...it's instantaneous...that's why it is depicted as a lightbulb going off in cartoon illustrations...that was the closest an artists conception could come to relating comparative speeds...ya notice they didn't draw a snail slithering thru superglue to get the point across...I can just picture it...a labratory full of the worlds leading scientific minds...all gathered around the ground-breaking...or should I say lightspeed shattering...gadget at one end of the room...the least intelligent among them is sent to the opposite end of the tachyon beam blasting barn...there are sychronized countdown clocks on the walls above both ends...Standards of procedure dictate the first attempt to fire a tachyon beam will result in the digital display expiring to 00:00...at 00:03 the lone lab rat with leftover tuna salad sandwich on his shirt yells out..."IT'S ALREADY HERE...YOU FIRED TOO LATE"...the countdown clocks are reset to 00:30...and round and round we go...where we stop nobody knows...buncha buttersquash brainiacs standing around scratchin their heads wonderin what to do next...that's where it ends...I swear sometimes it would just be easier if these idiots had LED readouts of their hypothesis' scrolling across their foreheads...gather them all up in an auditorium...let them take a chair and relax...everytime something flashed across their foreheads I could give a good old fasioned Roman Emporer hand signal...thumbs up...you've got a winner...you're excused to go conduct further research...come back with your conclusions and solid evidence to back it up...thumbs down...you get to sit up front...put your Dunce Cap back on dipshit...you're in Theoretical Timeout...3 shitty ideas in a row and they get salt poured in their eyes...NOT too much...just enough to sting...keep them busy for awhile...I can only handle so much STUPID in one sitting...this moron reminds me of the French Health Minister who just this week made a statement offering advice to France's homeless people regarding Europe's frigid ice snap...'Stay inside'...that's right folks...a country's HEALTH MINISTER advises against going 'out in the cold' if you happen to be homeless...so I don't see why any of us should expect anything lucid and logical from the infinitesimal idea integraters in the scientific community...I looked up tachyon...Googlized it...brought up the first result spit out by the search engine gods...Wikipedia...I didn't even hafta read the article in it's entirety...NOPE...all I had to do was scan the blue highlighted letters...and that alone told me all I needed to know about the study of tachyons...the one sentence that stuck out like a pecker at a porn palace...'Some of these authors incorrectly concluded that excitations of a "field with imaginary mass" would propogate faster than light'...REALLY??? I had an imaginary friend once when I was younger...followed me around like a f**kin shadow...he musta suffered from extreme excitations...I couldn't seem to shake the bastard even at bedtime...when it was dark...sonofabitch musta been using tachyon powder in his pajama's...it all makes sense now...I sent him down to Shaniqua's house one day and NEVER saw him again...I guess NOTHING can escape a black hole...except maybe future gangbangers with baggy clothing...if there's a special circle in hell reserved for stereotyping I think I just got offered the key...truthfully tho I am probably the least racist person you'll ever meet...I abhor ignorance with equal enthusiasm regardless of the skin tone embodying it...I can hold court with Kings one day...and appear in court with criminals the next...what I can't do is spend a tachyon of time in the company of empty headed heretics who haven't a clue as to the proper procedure required to postulate a 'hypothesis' regarding distance travelled divided by time taken of a particle NOT yet proven to exist...I mean holy shit people...Pinnochio has more common sense than these scuba diving sewer swimmers...and he was made out of WOOD!!!
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