02/16/12

Hang on Snoopy is the official rock song of Ohio...

Maybe it should be Hang on Stupid...since their state quarter claims they are the birthplace of aviation pioneers...and depicts the Wright Brothers plane as well as an astronaut...only one of the Wright brothers was born in Ohio...the older one was born in Indiana...so shouldn't the Hoosier State get to claim at least partial credit for spawning one of the inventors of aircraft...and even if an astronaut(s) was born in that godawful filthy little suburb of Pennsylvania...I don't seem to recall the Wright Brothers or a Space Shuttle departing from the sewer smelling state south of us...gettin' a little ahead of themselves aren't they...the only thing they have to do with aviation anymore is that we allow them to maintain airports so that those who have seen the light can one day find some way to depart...know what their state motto is???  'With God all things are possible'...I'm guessin' Jim Tressel isn't on the top of God's list for Sunday School Substitutes...and The Ohio State Alumni better dress for hell...the U.S. Government isn't the only establishment that frowns on cheating...ya little buck-toothed buckeyed bastards...you better pray there isn't a man with a plan upstairs when it's all said and done...otherwise you'll wish you were a urine covered Taliban terrorist rotting in some Marine surrounded trench by the time he gets thru with you...know why Michigan doesn't have an official state rock song???  Because we kick Ohio's ass at damn near everything else except depressing landscape...figured we'd give them some catchy tune to make 'em feel all warm and fuzzy inside...ya know...as much as I wanna depart the State of Michigan for some place more climatically acceptable to my outdoor skin recpetors...I wouldn't wish establishing occupancy in Ohio on anyone...that's just cruel...I mean aside from The Flats down by the river...what has Ohio ever had???  The Drew Carey Show...that's what...and even they shot their little sitcom in some Southern California studio where there was sunlight outside...is it just me...or is it everytime I've had to drive thru that state it's kinda smoggy...grey...dismal...or maybe it's just because I'm speeding thru at night with my lights off...hoping NOT to be noticed by anyone else from the State of Michigan...because y'all are a pleasant bunch when forced to drive at a speed limit below 90...hell I've seen a few of ya look like you're about to burst a f**kin blood vessel if you can't kick it up over 60 for a few seconds...settle down...you're headed east...so depending on your way of looking at things...and taking into consideration the amount of distance you intend to travel...you're either headed into the NOT so distant past...or you're CHARGING into the future...as it will probably take you until tomorrow to crawl thru across that mind numbingly misused motorway...it oughtta be criminal to charge someone a fee to travel at the speed of snails slithering thru quicksand...I've driven thru Ohio on several occassions with Momma...and when I wanna have a cigarette she insists it be outside the car...I can't count the times I've walked ahead to meet her at the next rest area...it's pathetic...Hang on Snoopy as an official state rock song...really???   What's he supposed to hang on to???  There isn't much to grab for when you're motoring right along at the speed of STUPID...ya dumbasses anyway...I'll bet if you conducted a straw poll in that... 'Oh hell NO we ain't smarter than NO 5th grader...Jeff Foxworthy can kiss our ass'...state...95% of females over the age of 18 would probably misidentify a...'Buckeye'...as...'the way your fella looks at ya when he's wantin' to get frisky 'neath the sheets'...and they're NOT even Blonde...damn boneheaded...butt-sniffin'...beggars...(why do I call them that you ask?)...because if I ever came across one of these...'bright as burnt biscuit at the brownie shop' excuses for significant others...they'd hafta kiss my ass...and beg to do it...before they'd even catch my attention...and if anyone is from Ohio and is offended...to be honest with you...so am I...you should take up Deep Sea Scuba Diving in Cement Classes ya chowder headed...four-footed freaks of nature...just because you've learned to walk upright and speak passable english doesn't mean you've fooled the rest of us...Hang on Snoopy...INDEED...I doubt he'd even need to worry about the wind ruffling the little yellow asshair beneath Woodstock's tail feathers...Ohio could lay claim to being something of scientific study...since time seems to stand still in that state...stands to reason they could test their twisted theories on time as it travels into a Black Hole...and maybe then they'd see the tachyons of truth about the time/space continuum...I sure as hell hope I'm still breathin when another intelligent lifeform pops by for an actual visit...grabs all the pompous people with Phd.'s...gets them in single file...all facing forward...then they run down the line giving them the Three Stooges Shemp Slap...isn't Ohio like the state with the biggest population of current day Quakers???  These people rampage down roads slower than the Amish...how the hell did you elect...Hang on Snoopy...as your state song...I have a few suggestions for ewe-f**kin Ohioans...how about AC/DC's "Highway to Hell"...or..."That Smell"...by Lynryd Skynyrd...you should be familiar with them...they were so high on drugs they thought they were the first one's flying airplanes too...turns out they were just as wrong about that as you idiots are...or maybe..."Don't Stop Believin"...by Journey...hey if millions of Diehard Lions fans can believe in eventual triumph...so can you...it's still a quasi-democracy of sorts I suppose...so have at it...don't like that one...how about if we get Bing...Dean...Frank and Sammy to sing..."We gotta get outta this place...if it's the last thing we ever do!"...and we'll throw Jerry Lewis in just to scream during the chorus...we'll schedule an event...set a date...sell tickets...I even know what we'll call it...Crooning for Crotch Lobsters in Canton!!!  Hang on Snoopy...sounds like you asshats have been mixing your Kool-Aid with the contents of your colostomy bags for quite some time...you'd be better off sipping raw sewage freshly bottled in the South Mexico city of San Cristobal de las Casas del Caca!!!  (And if you need that translated just say the word I'll sashay on over and slap the shit right outta ya...Oh...I'm serious...in public...in front of everyone...don't you do it...put your damn hand down...I mean it...I'll cancel recess and make you all eat your lunches at your desk damn it...bad enough I gotta (trails off mumbling beneath my breath)...gah damn kids these days...can't teach 'em anything...(mutters to myself so only I can hear...[buncha little Buckeye Billy bastards...how the hell did I end up havin' to hound them over having Hang on Snoopy as a state song...makes about as much damn sense as singin' 'Swing Low Sweet Chariot' at an all white Neo-Nazi wedding]...wonders if I thought that out loud)...but I guess...what can you expect from our Unfamous Forefathers of Flight!!!