Wednesday, February 22, 2012

02/23/12

In Israel religious law forbids picking your nose on the Sabbath...

Of course it does...Israel being a country consisting of people who follow the Jewish faith...ever seen the honker on a Hasidic...you could lose a whole hand up one of those bulbous behemoths they use to breathe with...get in there deep enough and you run the risk of dislodging an eyebrow...there are also plenty of people of the Muslim faith residing in Israel...and you can't be caught mining nose nuggets during mass at the local mosque...the penalty for first time offenders among the towelhead tribe is substituting for Shemmie the suicide bomber...a Jewish born Muslim...whose given name comes out sounding like a llama hacking up a phlegm ball for defensive spitting situations...it also excludes them from the guaranteed alloted virgin expectancy supposedly awaiting them in heaven...you know why this religious law would never get a foothold here in America...because Catholics and Protestants need something to do during those long boring...hellfire and brimstone...sermons they are subjected too...holy crap...have ya sat thru one of those long winded Sunday speeches...normally you have but two options...nose-picking...or napping...big difference...one you can do while pretending to participate in the singing of psalms...the other usually results in an individuals propensity to appear bobbleheadesque...they're uncontrollable noggin nodding is the equivalent of trying to balance a bowling ball on a toothpick...quite often these offenders can be spotted long before the service starts...they are male...middle-aged...accompanied by wife and kids...what makes them stand out from the other father figures is their attire...the untucked NFL football jersey billowing out below their favorite Sunday sweater...dead give-away...this guy will be sleeping before the opening credits are completed...and altho nose pickin on the Sabbath in Israel maybe illegal...I'll bet silver to schekels...an afternoon nod during Sunday service would go unnoticed...what with all that throat clearing gobbledegook incorporated into the Jewish language...Momma herself could go to Temple and they wouldn't know she was snoring until everyone else up and left...as a matter of fact...the first time she broke the sound barrier...they'd mistake it for the Second Coming of Christ and run Helter Skelter thru the streets...headed for home to make sure they have enough saved to pay off Peter at the pearly gates...and as always...my intuitive mind would find a way to circumvent the religious legal system they have intact...I'd probably be kicked out of Israel quicker than a Trick-or-Treater dressed as a Hitler youth during Halloween...and I wouldn't even hafta pick my nasal passage one single time...(now I know you're more than likely wondering why???)...it's simple really...I would employ the great Southern tradition of utilizing what is commonly called a Farmer's Hanky...knuckle off a nostril...tilt your head to the sky...take a deep breath...and let it fly...I'd be shovelled into the street before the first sprays of snot settled on the Sabbatical Altar...but that's how I roll...always ready to find new ways of 'fingering' the flaws of faulty laws...(I also know most of you think I'm joking...that I wouldn't really do such a thing)...and about that you couldn't be more wrong if you ordered a Caesar salad at Kumbuka's Cannibal Kitchen...I wouldn't do it out of spite...or for humor...I'd do it for the same reason anyone exposes a flawed system...so they could better prepare themselves for the future...that and to see the facial expressions of those who are offended...if only to explain I find myself equally offended at their ignorance for NOT including all parameters pertaining to excavating an individuals unwanted clogged nasal drippings...as for those little morons over at the mosque...I'd teach them a whole new torture technique...specifically geared towards future terrorists... called Blowing your Beak with Bottlerockets...because here's the thing...if you're gonna grow up to be a suicide bomber...I wanna make sure you get plenty of practice...and believe me...I will provide enough material to make sure you get it right...probably NOT the first time...but eventually...the first time you stop convulsing on the floor...foaming at the mouth...attempt to breathe out of your ear canal...and I can't find a pulse for four months...you pass the class...give me 12 months in Israel and they'll let you pick your nose in public 7 days a week...while worshipping witches...if you so choose...because once I get thru with them...they'll choose Boogers over Bombs...every-f**kin'-day...THUMP...THUMP!!!

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