METAL MOUTH MAGIC!!!

Sucking on a copper penny will cause a breathalyzer to read 0.0...

...and if it were that easy to get away with drinking and driving our court systems and jails would be clean...empty places...DUMBASS...first of all the breathalyzer is just ONE of many devices at the disposal of your local yokel at the Law Enforcement facility...especially in this day and age...it is the LAST test given to establish the LEVEL of alcohol in your system...it has NOTHING to do with proving you ARE drunk...stumbling...falling...slurred speech...an inability to remain cognitive during the thought process...as well as an HGN (Horizontal Gaze Nystagmus) Test is enough to establish that you are intoxicated to a point deemed unacceptable for safe operation of a motor vehicle...and if you happen to have gotten into an accident as a result of being intoxicated...that old copper penny trick isn't gonna provide you any gratification...cuz it doesn't work when they draw your BLOOD...which always happens when a trip to the hospital follows an incident of this nature...having worked on that side of the fence while serving in the USAF I can assure you that there is ABSOLUTELY NO WAY you are going to submit to a breathalyzer test while you have a penny in your mouth...NOT only are they going to check for such an item...but if one is found they are going to tack on additional charges...which in your drunken state may NOT seem all that important...but trust me...the next day it's gonna matter...NOW...depending on the gender of the intoxicated driver...in comparison to that of the officer making the traffic stop...it may be possible to suck on other things and eliminate the breathalyzer and DUI offense from ever occurring...that you will hafta take the chance to discover for yourself...there are several ways to foil the breathalyzer through using foreign objects...and lemme assure you...those asshats in uniform...they know all of the tricks...I can get a breathalyzer to register 0.80...which should be impossible...since registering 0.40 is usually considered walking with the dead...and here's the kicker...I do NOT hafta ingest any alcohol to perform this little function...if you gargle mouthwash and spit it out...grab the nozzle and blow...you'll spin heads when the numbers start spittin' out...which is why they don't let you do something of that nature prior to testing you...they SEARCH you...not only for their own personal safety...but also to ensure that you are NOT trying to circumvent the procedure...I used to love it when some drunken sot had finished off enough liquid courage to try something STUPID like this...especially when I was in the Air Force...since the people we were arresting for drunk driving offenses were military people...they were military property...and when they tried to fool the master I just slapped the handcuffs back on them...walked them out to the car and headed to the hospital...to have their blood drawn...which folks...ALWAYS...ALWAYS...ALWAYS...registers a higher reading than the breathalyzer will...and therefore makes the case STICK better when they are sentenced...didn't hafta ask for permission...wait for a warrant...NONE of that stuff...we were government property...less rights than those we were serving to protect...go figure...and god forbid you had something in the vehicle that triggered the necessity for a search...or got ignorant enough to decide LOCKING your car would be a good way to keep MILITARY POLICE out of it...because privately owned or not...it is sitting on government property...and EVERYTHING on government property IS government property...you got one chance to hand over the keys and unlock the doors...after that you were gonna be replacing windows...and to make matters even worse...if we had to..."ACCESS the vehicle without the proper implements"...which is how we put it in the police blotter...then your ass was gonna need to getta degree in vehicle repair...we would literally dismantle the vehicle down to the shell and let you put it back together at your own leisure...in this day and age...guess what all of those police vehicles have in them...STANDARD...VIDEO CAMERAS...those nifty little devices that capture smooth flowing images of your drunken ass...being a drunken ass...all damning and damaging evidence to have displayed in a court of law...you hafta keep in mind...you are NOT the ONLY DIPSHIDIOT on Earth that has tried to pull the wool over a police officer's eyes...you might be the first to dream up a new idea...or a vividly imaginative technique...but rest assured...you are NOT going to fool each and every one of the tests they place you through...the ONLY hope you have of being let go and having all charges dropped is if you are a diabetic...short of that...the neat little lazy loophole idea that are floating through your head will soon be replaced with DUMBASS excuses you plan on offering when you face the judge...here's a novel idea...ONE that is 100% GUARANTEED to make a breathalyzer register 0.0...STOP SUCKING on straws that are sticking out of fruity cocktails that contain alcohol...especially if you are going to be driving...I've been guilty of it a time or two myself...NOT something I am proud of...now I seldom if ever have a drink in public...because COPS are CORRUPT...IDGAF what anyone else says...I've been one...so I KNOW FIRSTHAND...civilian cops especially...they go to the bars when they are off duty...dressed in civvies...and call in drunk drivers to their partners who are patrolling the streets outside the bar like vultures waiting to pounce on a rotting carcass...of course you can't PROVE this in a court of law...but it does happen...that's why you should always use a designated driver...or at the very least a designated decoy...pick someone that is going to remain completely sober...let them leave the bar first...have them stumble out to their car so the cops can see that they look intoxicated...instruct them to spend several minutes trying to get the key in the slot...make sure they holler a few obscenities just for character...once they get in the car they need to weave back and forth through the parking lot...make a couple sudden stop and goes...then head out into traffic...the cops that are lying in wait will pull them over and EVERYONE else can get home safely...I know...I know...where does he come up with this stuff...trust me...being a cop in the Air Force was the LONGEST 4 years of my life...humorless buncha pricks anyway...don't drink and drive...cab fare is far cheaper than court costs ever were!!!