HIP HIP HOORAY for COFFEE...IDK about the rest of you folks...but for me...COFFEE is the true nectar of the gods...I don't care one bit about the other 999 chemically enhanced pollutants that may be swimmin around in my small brown cup of steamin moanin stew...that shit could cause firefly eating bullfrogs to glow and I wouldn't care...CAFFEINE in COFFEE is like dynamite and Drano for the human body...it'll get ya up and goin' in a hurry...and keep ya constant...constantly runnin' to the bathroom...constantly lookin' for somethin' to do...constantly awake even when ya have time for a nap...it's Nature's damn WUNDERBAR drug if ya ask me...there are certain people ya just can't even tolerate without a good cup of Joltin' Joe...I can't look in the mirror until I've had at least two 1/4 barrels full of the stuff...and ya know to be honest I say go ahead and dump another couple thousand chemicals in there...maybe you've forgotten that thick muddy shit our ancestors drank for their morning brew...or the stuff they still drink as muddy mountain mornin water up in dem dar hills of the Paplashuns over by the Est Coast...that stuff'll damn near kiltcha if ya ent gotcher wits boutcha... No Siree IDGAF what they are puttin' in COFFEE these days...it seems to be above the Platinum Standard as far as human consumables go...it's the ONLY thing that doesn't come with an advertisement that has a laundry list of potentially life threatening side effects...ya don't see FOLGERS commercials tellin ya..."Here drink this...it will cure narcolepsy...if you happen to stay awake for periods of longer than 72 hours consult a physician immediately"...now do ya??? Or magazine ads for MAXWELL HOUSE...depicting the last surviving human...being chased by Zombies while gulping down a cup of Blue Barreled Magic...with a little caption that reads..."Let MH be your Doomsday Drink...possible side effects include SURVIVING extinction level events"...because it would make sense...well except for the last example...you would expect a drink that has the potential to make humans act like busy little bees in a honeycomb hive to have the capacity to keep you awake...now if ya saw say a sappy little segue into a Sanka commercial that showed a young couple in their 20's walking through the woods with a picnic basket and they stopped by a river...built a small fire and began boiling their little pot of A.M. potions...and a big hairy Sasquatch came running outta the woods and killed them on the spot...and the message flashed across the screen..."Suck down Sanka...live life on the edge...possible side effects include brutally beaten to death by Big Foot"...chances are ya aren't gonna be runnin' out and buying big quantities of this magic elixir...I mean hell everyone drinks it...cops...lawyers...doctors...teachers...corrupt politicians...you name it they all drink it...and for some unknown reason there seem to be very few...IF ANY AT ALL...documented cases of deep end divers (that's a gene pool reference) dying from drinking this concoction...shallow end shark bait (see gene pool reference above) does have the potential to injure themselves while making...drinking...or ordering it from a fast food drive thru...but I don't count them as being significant...(I'm looking for ways to eliminate them en masse as it is) so if COFFEE can help out in that aspect as well...so much the better...that being said...you precious few people that take out a second mortgage just to pay for your Starbucks Swill...should be hunted...dragged behind a horse...and then drawn and quartered...for your ridiculous belief that paying as much...if not more for a cup of COFFEE...as you would for an entire can the same size capable of supplying a couple weeks worth of home brew...blasphemous hypocrites all of you...I'll bet you don't shove that much in the collection plate on Sunday do you...fo' shame fo' shame fo' shame... "Thou shalt hold no gods before me"...and yet there you are in line at the Starbucks at least 6 days a week and only goin to church one the schedules Sunday Mass..."Thous shalt be held accountable for thine own actions"...and I'll bet they don't serve COFFEE in heaven...why would you need it...according to all records it is a blissful place filled with harps and angels and fluffy marshmallow like stuff...YUMMY...HELL is where COFFEE will be served...how do I know this??? Because shortly after reading how sinful I made you out to be for worshiping a cup of overpriced COFFEE above your religious beliefs you all condemned me straight to HELL...and since I CANNOT tolerate the levels of drama in modern society without my COFFEE...I shall have lakes of it to bathe in...it will rain from the sky like a Monsoon...it's the ONLY way I expect the rest of my constituents to get ANYTHING done...because HEY...it's HELL and who wants to wake up for that!!!
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